Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas - I'm ok

Thank you Lord. I am ok. I sit here with a pretty bad left kidney infection and alone on Christmas eve, but I am so ok. You could even say I'm peacefully happy. I find myself to be such a nut that I laugh at myself and even that makes me feel happy. Really, sometimes, my daughter - who would love to not ever find pleasure in being with me can't help but smile when she sees me laughing so hard at myself. I am truly hilarious at times, even if I only have an audience of me.

It's great when we discover a special gift or talent that we possess, but it can be quite funny when we discover that we don't possess a gift or talent in a certain area. I can sing in public, I can manage public speaking without a hitch, but OH MY GOSH - I am not an actress. Unfortunately, I am learning this in front of a group of people, which just ultimately leaves me in fits of laughter at myself because oh my goodness, I am truly so very so not an actress. Oh well, all for the glory of God and at least I am trying and even if it isn't coming out nearly as well as I wish it were, I am trying my hardest.

One of my favorite moments so far this Christmas is the fact that due to being part of a skit at church, I had to arrive 1 1/2 hours early to the church - meaning my daughter had to be there early as well. I was doing my thing and then I saw my daughter sitting out in the chairs, comfortably half lying on the chairs watching us rehearse, watching the worship group rehearse and looking at home. My daughter, try as hard as she is right now to be a typical at times difficult 15 year old girl, is at home at our church. She loves and knows the people at our church. She is comfortable to half lie on the chairs at church and sit in peace as she was this evening. How blessed we are to have this second home. As sick as I was all night and day - when I got to church, no, I didn't miraculously feel well, I felt comfortable to be me and I felt safe.

The pastor posed this question to the congregation: What was the greatest gift we have received since last Christmas eve? After thinking of this, I think the greatest gift God has given me is my church family. They love us and we love them. The second wonderful gift God has given me is my freedom from smoking. Last night I asked my daughter if she could picture me smoking anymore. She said she can't. I can't picture it either. Wow - that is a miracle in itself.

The gift I am asking God to give me in the next year, if it is within His will, is to keep easing the hurt that seems to make itself known regarding my Whatever. Tonight, my daughter is with him, which when I first found out about hurt like heck. However, I think God is working because I haven't even cringed tonight and I like it. That and I saw a picture of him with my daughter and am starting to see someone I don't know - nor am I attracted to who I am seeing in the photo. Cool. I believe God is working and is going to help me let go. I am going to seek Him for more of this. I am ok.

Today, I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for his gifts to us and that we especially thank Him for the gift of His son. Could you imagine our lives without this gift? I sure can't.

Merry Christmas. Hallelujah!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Stolen Umbrellas - No Strings Attached

I have come to realize that unlike my Whatever who almost everything he has came from me, very little of the "things" I have came from my Whatever giving them to me and have noticed that one by one those "things" have broken, become lost or I just plain threw them away. I had - to my knowledge, 3 things left that he has given to me. One of those things was my "Mary Poppins" umbrella.

One time we had taken a trip to Monterey for the weekend and it was raining there, something we hadn't expected, so he bought me this polka dot umbrella. I still have pictures of me on the beach doing my Mary Poppins dance. Unbeknownst to me, the rain boots I bought last year matched my umbrella and I have been enjoying owning and using the matching set this year. Well, anyways, that umbrellas always reminded me of times with my Whatever. Yesterday, it was raining in the morning as I went to my bus stop so of course I was using my umbrella. I entered the bus and left it lying on this rack thing and when I went to retreive it, my umbrella was gone.

Darn. I really loved that umbrella. I know we aren't supposed to love "things" so to change my wording, I thoroughly enjoyed ownership of that umbrella. It was a cool umbrella and I will miss owning it. When I discovered that it was gone. One of the very first things I thought was that this was in God's will that it disappeared. Now, I can only think of two things that I own that were of my whatever. One that I gave to him on our tenth wedding anniversary and funny, the one he gave to me on that same date. The item he gave me really means nothing to me, but the one I gave to him touches my heart greatly because I know my intent when I gave it.

I almost instantly asked God if He would please just for this one material item protect it in my grasp for at least a little while longer. I just don't want it to go away. I trust though that God has this all under control and I am just about certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will wake up one day and this item that I care about will be gone. I know that when that time comes, I will be ready for that. And maybe, just maybe - I will get to that point where I no longer have any strings attached. Hey, if I get to that point, maybe God will let me keep that one last thing that matters? Who knows. But I guess at that point, maybe it won't matter anymore anyways.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we let God's will happen. That we don't feel afraid and we trust when that will happens we will be ready for whatever it entails in our lives. After all, thy kingdom come, thy will be done... No earthly strings attached. Also, please join me in prayer that possibly my umbrella was taken on accident and will be returned on Monday morning or pray for the person that took it, maybe they just needed it more than I did.

Hallelujah!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

No Going Back and Payday Bars

Somebody recently referred to me as a Payday bar. You know, kind of nutty yet sweet. In my mind - the Payday bar was always the candy bar that you only ate when there were no other choices. Kind of reminds me of how my - let's just call him my whatever, used to tell me that nobody else would be stupid enough to want to love me enough to be with me for any length of time. That he was the only one stupid enough to ever have married me. I don't care.

You know, this life is a fragile road that we walk on. A series of choices, some good and some bad. I was feeling kind of funky due to some funky stuff going on, but I am still choosing to serve God. However, I was thinking. I so wanted to smoke tonight and that just made my mind wander to what if I just stopped. I stopped serving God. I stopped trying to be a non-smoker or to be drug free. I stopped trying to be a good mom. I stopped going to church. I stopped singing on the worship team at church. I stopped trying to make the world a better place by smiling at people I meet or I stopped praying for those in need. What if I just stopped?

I deciphered each thought one by one and totally came to the conclusion that I can't go back to those places I was before I got to where I am now. It seems that everything about me lately has become a quest to persevere and to be consistent in all I do. I so believe that if I hang in there and get through all the hurdles set before me, that I will reach this place of more than I ever expected. More blessed than I ever asked for. So, as much as that cigarette was being craved today, I can't go back to what and where I used to be - in any of my old formats. I am a new creation in Christ and I am more than a Payday bar, no matter what I was told.

Today I ask you to join me in praising God that we have places that we can't go back to in life. That we are so much more than we used to be and that we have a God who loves us so much that he helps us to realize that we don't want to go back.

Hallelujah!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A little at a time...

Today was interesting. No matter what, maybe you really aren't able to do what you think you should be able to when you just aren't ready to do so. Today I took the day off to go to the courthouse and take the "Do It Yourself Divorce" clinic. Hard as I tried, I just couldn't bring myself to check either of the boxes that were my options - those being dissolution and/or legal separation. I swear, I tried to put my pen to those boxes, but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until I figured out that for me to not really lose out on some financial things and to see that I really need the assistance of an attorney to help me in any action I do that I boldly checked the dissolution boxes throughout all of the paperwork that needed that box checked and all of the paperwork that I knew I wouldn't be turning in anyways. Yeah, I was so brave, when I knew it didn't matter.

You know what though. I didn't feel badly about this. I, Dianne Rene'e, am simply not ready. It has nothing to do with whether or not I still love him, it just has to do with the fact that I am not ready. I did realize though that I am getting closer to being ready for something. I just don't know what it is yet, but I am ok. I do look forward to getting out of what I call "limbo-land". I think that part of my hesitancy comes because I think I became partially brainwashed with two marriage ministries that I followed closely this past year and a half. I still believe in them - for some people, actually, for almost everyone except for me. They followed the thinking that God can restore all broken marriages. I was holding on to those thinkings for quite some time and am letting go a little at a time. I am more inclined to believe now that yes, God can restore those marriages, but only if God decides that is what He wants for you. He might just want something else though. No matter what, I am getting closer to something.

The only thing I really feel badly about at this moment in regards to my situation are all of those people around me that just don't get what the heck I am holding on to. I am not holding on to anything - we all know there is nothing to hold on to. My husband, STBX or whatever he is clearly wants nothing to do with me and clearly doesn't care a bit about me, but for me, that doesn't matter. That's his bad, not mine. I just wish he would divorce me instead of doing nothing, but that's ok. My pastor has assured me that God will let me know when I am ready and I trust my God that much to believe that He will. So, til then, I thank God that He is preparing me a little at a time for whatever He holds in store. The world will just have to wait for me to know what that it. After all, I am getting there a little at a time.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all know when we are ready to make next steps on whatever it is we need to move forward on. That we all learn to decipher the voice of God and not listen to the world and trust that at just the right moment, we will know which way to turn because God has showed us the way.

Hallelujah!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Good with the Bad

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was wonderful yet there came a moment when it was so darned sad. My ultimate favorite moment was when my 1 year old precious neice fell asleep on my shoulder. I had been taking Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University Class and it ended the week of Thanksgiving. I had kind of felt myself beginning to slip a little because for me, the class was, especially towards the end, becoming a dual-edged sword. Inspiring hope and despair all in the same moment. The parting words of Dave Ramsey were basically to get ourselves into prime positon to be successful in all aspects of our lives and that if we had any "cobwebs" holding us back, that we needed to work on getting rid of them. I decided then and there to make an appointment with my pastor and his wife.

How wonderful they were to take time from their lives to meet with me. How wonderful it was to trust them enough to be totally frank with them about my cobwebs. I miss my family. I miss the life I had. My husband was my best friend and I miss him. As much as I miss these things, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt - that God has all of this in His hand. I see the blessings daily that He is bestowing upon me and I take none of them for granted.

I spoke with a friend two days ago who has fallen into a depression for a few reasons and I really shook him up. I pointed out to him that he needed to flex his joy of the Lord muscle. That he needed to possibly lie to himself until he realized he was ok. You know, if I really took a look at my life, I would be so darn depressed, I might just fall out. I paint it every day so much better than it is because as non-great as it is, it is fabulous as well.

Things like this. How blessed am I to have the opportunity to leave my house every morning by 6:39 a.m. to make the 6:50 bus, walking in the freezing cold, or the rain, or to have to run under the huge clump of pigeons that poop everywhere, or walking in the dark, or the sun rising. My gosh, how blessed I am to experience any of these things. Some would only complain about these things, I find them a joy and thank God daily as I'm walking under any of those circumstances.

Today I had a neat experience. I am doing the program Insanity and am really beginning to feel an inner "core" strength starting to come up in me. I woke up at 4:17 this morning and said "Self, you're up, go get insane." OH MY GOSH!!! It was a totally insane workout. I felt so good laying on the floor when that 39 minutes was over. The instructor on the DVD was on the floor as well and I had to laugh as he said while laying there, "Sh.. that was bananas". I laid there and said that it was certainly something. A woman at work that I don't really know said to me that I looked good and asked if I was doing something different? I told her about the program and she is thrilled that as soon as I am done, I'm going to loan it to her her for her and her to husband to do together. I put it on my Outlook Calendar to pop up in about a month.

I signed up for a Saturday morning golf class at the junior college to help cut the cost of the monthly bus pass (I wanted online walking/jogging, but next time around). Anyways, I am the coordinator of the food drive at my job and to raise some monies, I co-hosted a white elephant gift sale. It was neat that I got the opportunity to meet even more people at my work site. Well, I was in a group and I stated about signing up for the golf class and a woman that I had never seen before asked me if I had golf clubs. I don't and my plan was to wing it with something from a thrift store or whatever. She told me, I have golf clubs and I will bring them to you tomorrow. Wow. I told her that the class goes til May and she basically doesn't even care if or when she ever gets them back. You know, there are some really good people in this world and God will place them in our path at times.

We give and we get given to. Isn't it neat how that just works out. I still suffer, possibly because of the holiday season, with missing my husband, STBX, daughter's father, whatever or however I am supposed to refer to him, but I have to take the good with the bad. The good is my life is just like the song that says "We'll all float on ok... Alright already we'll all float on..." I am so floating. The cool thing is that I am floating on the wings of love and I will take the good with the bad. I learned a lesson with the meeting with my pastor and his wife. That is THE LAST TIME that I am going to go by my feelings. I was about to fall apart because I let how I felt come into play and I was feeling like crap. No matter how I feel, I vow from now on to keep on. To persevere. After all, I'm still walking those 4 flights of stairs everyday.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God that we are right where we are supposed to be to bless others as well as to be blessed by others. I ask you to join me in prayer for my co-worker Lupe who began another round of chemo and after only the first one is doing poorly. I ask you to join with me in prayer that we all take the good with the bad.

Hallelujah!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Nothing Is Perfect and Baby Gates

I have a dog that I inherited from my STBX, a miniature pincher named Spike. He's probably one of the closest to perfect dogs I have ever owned. He doesn't bark incessantly. He listens to me and does what I ask him to. He's a really cool dog, but.... he's not perfect. For whatever reason, if my daughter leaves her jeans in a pile or her grey sweat pants on the floor in her room, Spike will undoubtedly go in there and pee on them. He doesn't do this in my room if I leave something on the floor or in any other room either, only in hers. Well, he's shown that this is his method of operation, so he's no longer given the opportunity to do that as we bought a baby gate and he can no longer enter her room. We've given him back the opportunity to be an almost perfect dog.

I was thinking about how lucky Spike is. My daughter and I are giving him a prime opportunity to shine but keeping him away from being able to do the one thing that really makes her want to kill him and that puts him in the category of just being another dumb dog. Did you know that we are lucky as well? I was reading the book of Jude on my bus ride to work this morning and came across Jude 24 "To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy". Wow! My take on this is that God has put baby gates in our lives as well.

God's baby gates in my life of late have consisted of the Holy Spirit sending whispered reminders of who loves me. Of blessings being pointed out to me even if I am in the midst of not being able to see beyond the immediate hardship in front of me. Of reminders of how hard I have worked to stay out of the insanity of doing the same things hoping for different results, pointing me in different directions seeking the best life has to offer. Of reminders of how happy I am that we are to walk by faith and not by how we feel. Of reminders that Spike is not perfect, I'm not perfect, that really, nothing is perfect except for the Lord of all Creation who was and is and is to come.

Today I ask you to join me in praise for baby gates. That they are placed in life to protect us and to let us shine in the areas that we shine in.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I'll Let My Words Be Few

This morning as I was getting ready for church. I was listening to the Christian Sirius music channel on TV and it was so calm in the house I just felt like praising God. I took about ten minutes and asked God to clear my mind of everything else but worshiping Him. It felt so good to just take that time and let Him know how much He means to me.

I remembered that this evening as I heard this song. "Now I stand in awe of you. Yes I stand in awe of you, Jesus. And I'll let my words be few. Jesus I am so in love with you..." Beautiful.

Today join me in a prayer where say nothing. That we just let our hearts speak to him and that we stand in awe of Him. He is such a good God and this last instance where He proved to me once again that He really does have my back has me standing there with you just worshiping our Lord. I am amazed.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Don't Worry, Be Happy

You know, I feel so completely blessed. I made a conscious choice to not worry over finances when I was losing a relatively good chunk of it due to some job stuff. I still remember the day I found out how I felt. I felt and said inside. Ok God, here goes. I will not worry - You know what's going on. I am going to trust you in this. Well, I won't tell you that I haven't wondered what's going to happen, but I have not worried once, but rather, I have felt a sense of calm inside, the whole time remembering Matthew 6:26 and how the birds don't store up and God cares for them, so He will certainly care for me as well. Well, God came through. I was right to not have worried.

An incident happened this week that although it turned out so beautifully and with so much love on the part of myself and the other party, it got me to thinking. Losing a marriage is hard. Although I work so hard at being strong and at my service to the Lord. I still have very close to my surface, a big hurt over my marriage and it's demise. I know the whole serenity prayer thing, but I still really struggle with the fact that my husband left two really good people, my daughter and I. I know it's all his bad, but at times I can't help but wonder at the fairness of how she and I are left with the hurt while he just floats on freely. I don't feel envious at all of him, more like I feel sorry for him. I was a great wife. My daughter is a great daughter. Definitely his loss.

I try sometimes to find ways to be not hateful of, but strong against any feelings towards him, but the fact of the matter is that I loved him up til the day he left and I was trusting God for so long that He would restore our marriage that it's hard to just be over it. I think I'm in a limbo in that I am trying to go on with life and put the reality of the fact that he's gone, that we are no more. It's hard to just switch gears with God and get it into my head that this is forever. Sometimes there is this piece of me that believes that restoration just hasn't been in God's time yet. I know I need to wake up. In the meantime, I'm going to keep listening for the voice of God in this matter. I'm going to keep serving God with all I am and being the best me I can be. I am going to keep asking God to heal the hurt, because although I am very happy now, it doesn't take much for the hurt to make itself known.

Today I ask for special prayer for me of you. I am still - and forevermore going to be a non-smoker, but I have found myself craving a cigarette the last few days. I don't care what it takes, I will not pick up and smoke even one cigarette again, but I don't even want to think about smoking. I ask for prayer that the hurt that's right beneath the surface, not just of me, but of anybody who carries one, that it stay beneath the surface and that we always praise God that it has receded to that point. Where, for me, it once was a gaping wound, praise the Lord, it's under the skin now. Someday it won't even be there. I'll take that. Join me in prayer today that God is a God to be trusted and he will take care of our needs. We don't need to worry, he wants us to be happy.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Magnets

You know how magnets on one side try to push apart but on the other side they rush to stick together? I like to think that life has made me a magnet of late. My gosh, the wonderful - good people in my world keep coming and rising up in my life. I'd like to think that if a bad person came into my world that the magnet in me would push away and just not want to go there.

I mean how amazing is it to be attracting good. God is so wonderful when He molds and changes you. Today I sent an email out to my whole department and I got the neatest response from a woman that I don't know. She thanked me for sending out such nice emails and for doing a good job. How nice it was to receive that - and I told her so, but how nice it is to lift someone up rather than not. I remarked at the kindness in her message to me.

Yes, good does attract good and now that I am learning what good is, it - well, it feels good. I love the group of friends I am gathering in my new world. The kindness that I am being shown is amazing. It's changing me. From the friend who brings them to me and makes me eat my veggies to the friend that is becoming my training partner and silly, fun, nutty buddy, I'm changing. I love that song that says, "Let it be, All for the glory of you". I am becoming physically healthier, mentally healthier and stronger than I ever imagined. All because the magnet effect of the good side being faced towards the good sides around me and a heart that desires the best that God has to offer and that is actively seeking that best. I am grateful.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all find those good sides and ask God to help us start using those sides to project who we are and attract the good that God wants us to attract. That when that good comes to us we realize how wonderful it is to be surrounded by it and that good helps us along our path to being what and who God wants us to be. That we remember to thank God for all He has done for us and all He is.

Hallelujah!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Keeping On

I posted that on Friday night I came home and basically hit the bed, thinking that I was tired from my first run on Thursday and mentally dealing with the challenge of trying to create a road of peace. Saturday morning, I got up and was out running my first 3 mile run, which I did and then I came home, went to my daughter's soccer game (she's so darn good anymore) had a friend over for a while and when he left, I about fell out again and went to sleep at 8. Yesterday, I woke up, went for another 3 mile run, thinking the headache and body ache was just soreness from adjusting to running. I got home from the run and that was all I did for the day. I was not sore. I was not dealing with the peace road, nor was I dealing with the fact that I found out my STBX is going to be back in the United States again in the next two weeks or so. I was sick.

With the latest news of the STBX, I thought that my inability to move was a total freak out on my part. I got so terribly scared that I even cried as I was running, but it was the weirdest way to cry. I didn't even feel in my heart like I wanted to cry, but my eyes wouldn't stop. I'd wipe away the tears and they'd just come back again. I even began thinking my tears were caused by whatever the opposite of endorphins are. I was remarking that hey - I thought running was supposed to make you feel better. (Remember, I didn't know I was sick).

It is. I am feeling empowered. I keep thinking of the perseverance message. I don't want to be a quitter. On March 13 I am going to run the Shamrock half marathon if it kills me (I don't think it will). If I don't run another step after that, that's just fine with me, but I want to do this one thing.

In my sick/freakout/body sore whatever it was weekend after I found out he was coming back, I got scared. I am realizing how hurt I always was the last year of living with him that I just started to feel hurt all over again. I got scared of everything. Scared he was going to in some way hurt me and scared that he is going to someway hurt her or turn her world upside down again. I wanted to quit the fight to not be afraid and I wanted to give up and give in. I was seriously messed. I needed to remember who I am in Christ. When confiding with a friend, praise God I have some great ones now, he told me that God must think I'm ready to deal with this. He's right. I am ready. I do not have to give in to anything that can hurt us.

You know, I have some serious issues going on right now, but I learned something in my morning sermon today. I am living my life for Christ. I am not actively pursuing any sin in my life anymore having given up smoking, I am free to serve God with all I am. I am annointed and in that annointing, I can change the world. I have nothing to be afraid of. God will bless me because I am His and I do not need to be afraid because I will be safe in His arms. You know though, I learned something from my weekend as well that I have done for others and hope that others will in turn do as well. When a person is missing from church, I think that anybody who notices that person is gone should call and just say "Hey - I missed you, is everything ok?" It does make a difference, especially if everything isn't ok.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer to thank God that there are times we can be sick, and not know it and persevere through it. That even though we might think we have fallen that God shows us how strong we are and to really just give ourselves a little break and allow those tears, whether or not they come from the heart to just fall, maybe they are just healing rain, or maybe they are the opposites of endorphins. That God gives us friends that really care and can lift us up with just a few simple words. (Thank you Steve). That we keep on keeping on.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

A Time To Rest

Last night after I got home from work, I ate dinner and pretty much hit the bed. I asked myself if it was too early to go to sleep, but I think that the 6:00 time showing on my cell phone said that it was. Nonetheless, whether or not I was going to sleep at that time, which I didn't, I stayed on the bed. For one, my first run in a million years of 2 miles the day before, although it felt great physically at the time and mentally now, kind of kicked my butt. (I will be back out there today though and this time for 3 miles). For two, I took a big step towards healing one of the many fractures in my family, but one that I needed to and should take for my daughter's sake. For three, I knew I was safe lying there on that bed.

I found myself in a bit of a struggle yesterday, but even during that struggle, I found myself - once again amazed by God. Isn't he the coolest God that he knows we have mountains to deal with, but he really only has us to deal with one of them at a time. I am so glad to see that I have come to such a place of trusting Him that I know that I will be able to climb that mountain, go through a valley and rest before I get to the next one. Praise the Lord.

I just finished the mountain of stopping smoking. The real hard part is over, now it is just up to me to maintain that I never pick up a cigarette again. Yesterday, the old smoker in me actually wanted to smoke, but the new in me just won't let that happen. I even woke up from a dream today where I was smoking a cigarrette. No, the battle's not over, but hey, at least I'm aware of it and am actively doing things to not go there again. One of those things yesterday might have been to just lay on the bed. I remember one friend who quit smoking years ago did frequently go to bed early just to avoid smoking til she was stronger. Pastor spoke in church of how we need to build safeguards to keep ourselves from ungodliness. Why not let that be a bed for a night?

The issue I dealt with yesterday was a hard one. I was wronged and hurt badly by somebody I thought loved me and someone that I showed the utmost of love and kindness towards. After that occurred, I did the human thing of not wanting to go there again and staying away, telling my daughter that she needed to stay away as well. Although I'd like to think that I extended forgiveness - after all, I did try to rectify the situation more than once, I still had hurt and anger over the situation and my daughter caught the brunt of it just by the mere fact that she was here and the other person wasn't. I needed to change the situation. Maybe one of the reasons I ran to the bed last night was because I really didn't sleep the night before because I had behaved badly and this was not the first time I had done so over this issue and I was "thinking carefully about what is right and wanting to stop sinning" (1 Cor. 15:33)

I needed to do something so I did. With the help of my accountability partners I put aside my pride and my human self, and faxed off a note to the other person, praying each step of the way that God be with me and that this act be something that will further His glory in mine and my daughter's life. This act, although it will help heal my daughter immensely if received correctly, forces me to to have to open myself up to stuff. You know stuff. More hurt. More reality checks of what is and what isn't. More stuff. I thank God that He stays with us through stuff. I know God was sitting on the end of that bad just making sure I knew He was there. But you know, maybe I still have stuff to go through to get me through to a place of even more healing, but darn, stuff is not fun to deal with. Maybe God wants us at times to deal with it on our beds because I sure didn't leave mine.

You know, Pastor said in church on Sunday that pursuing Godliness is a courageous pursuit. I think that pursuing Godliness can also be emotionally exhausting. Maybe I pulled a bit of a Jesus and rested last night (Mark 6:31) - I went off to a quiet place and rested. Heck, I know I pulled a bit of a Jesus and wept. It was very hard for me to do what I did yesterday, but I had to do it. For my sake, to be certain that my forgiveness was complete that but mainly I had to do what I did for the sake of my daughter. She will reap benefits from this act of love that will be even more rewarding in years to come.

I sat her down and shared with her what I had done. I shared the letter as well, which I must say was well written and conveyed the love of Christ as well the strength of Christ in me. Although I took this step it in no way made me a wimp or a doormat, but rather a doorway to healing. It was not an easy thing to do, but as I stood at that fax machine, before I hit send, I paused and prayed over that letter that it do just what the Christ in me wanted it to do. My daughter is already shining a bit more because of what I did.

I think, that the way I have been behaving lately that if I were on trial for being a Christian, there might just be enough evidence to convict me. It's not easy serving God and being human at the same time. Although not a war of wills, it is a war of choices and I think that at times we might just get exhausted and need to choose to give ourselves a break and hit the bed if that's what we want to do. It's way better than running to anything that might have been in our pasts, maybe it's a way of fueling ourselves up to run to a better future.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we give ourselves the freedom to rest if we need to. That we don't feel badly about it, but we just let the house be messy for a time and just lay there knowing that maybe when we give permission to God to mold us, that we might just get worn out from being stretched in ways we aren't used to.

Hallelujah! Now I'm ready to go run those 3 miles.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Relapse

Last night was my last "Freedom from Smoking" class. The class had whittled down to only two of us and our two teachers. My classmate was still having a few struggles with cigarettes, but stated that she is going to keep going and she is going to remember my face and that I am going to inspire her. Hmm, made me think of which face she's going to remember and I had to laugh - again, at myself. You know, I know I'm kind of nutty right now. (In other words, you don't have to tell me.) The way God has just basically taken the wheel of my life is so far from me and I'm really starting to get it when I try to take the wheel back, so fast almost that I really am starting to even almost not even try to grab the wheel anymore.

I so relate this quitting smoking to my whole life right now. I described it "with a passion" like my teacher has not seen before she said.

I am free. I am free from anything that was ever holding me back to really become what God wants me to be. I am so amazed to even be at this point. I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to get here. It's no wonder that I have felt like crying for the last week because the reality of what I have let God mold me into is coming to pass. OH MY GOSH!! To be in a place in life that I have worked so hard to come into, fills me with an awe and a - not really afraid, but almost breathless place to be. When I look at what I was and what I am now and KNOW that God has done such a great work in me and has brought me to a place where I am truly living my life for him truly takes my breath away. I have so much growing left to do, and am so far far far away from perfect but wow. I am letting go of things I used to be and have nothing left that I am hanging on to, not a person, a place or a thing, just my faith.

I worked hard to get here, yes God molded me, but as pastor said on Sunday, this is a process and we must work at it. I actively pursed one major thing - I wanted to get out of the insanity of my life. I had to do things differently to get different results. I climbed the stairs and I am going to continue climbing them. You know, climbing those stairs can really become a pain in the butt, especially when the elevator is right there saying "Ooooh, pick me, I'm faster, easier..." Whatever, those ways don't work for me anymore. I want it all and all is not just handed to you so I'm climbing those darn stairs.

We spoke of relapse prevention last night and tried to assess what our possible triggers to relapse could be. I realized that I was holding on to a fear. I thought of the fact that my STBX could possibly be coming back from Mexico at the end of this month. I actually felt the anxiety and shakiness come to me in class. I think my demeanor might have changed for a moment because the teachers jumped into action and told me of some things I could do. Thank you to them because all of sudden I realized I was afraid, not of him, but of what he could possibly do to me in relation to what I let him do to me before. I got rid of that fear as they reminded me of who I am. Something I hope to never forget again.

Nothing of this world has control over me anymore. I am strong. I do not have to allow myself to be in a situation where I have to deal one on one with him ever again. At all costs, as much preparation as I have put into stopping smoking, I need to prepare for the time when he will just show up because being as he has no contact with myself and has stopped any contact with his daughter, the fact is is that someday, he will just show up. I think I am partly there, but I will be enlisting about 4 friends to be prepared to help me as well. I will not relapse into anything that was of me before. I am not willing to take back the wheel of my life. I am prepared for a few topsy-turvy moments, but I know that with the strength God has given me, my faith in Him and those friends that will take a few moments of advance preparation as well, all will be well.

Today pray for all of us who have changed something about us. That we see reminders of who we are in Christ and that we - if we fall, we get right back up again and keep pressing towards our goal.

Hallelujah!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Gratefulness

Well, the more I grow in my walk with the Lord, the more I can hardly contain my emotions as I marvel at all the things I have to be grateful for. I mean really, this is serious stuff. You know, it hit me this past few days. I am truly more like a child now than I have ever had the opportunity to be. I started very young on a wrong path. Although I had a wonderful mother, it was my father who played much more of an influence on me. It was my father, who as well, made life a living hell, and I just realized yesterday that I married a living hell too. I hate it when you realize that those who have said those stupid things like girls will often marry their fathers turn out to be right don't you? Well, I did just that, but here comes the good part...

I learned about insanity. With every fiber in me, I am doing DIFFERENT things not the same things and I fully expect DIFFERENT results in this life I am living now. I surround myself with good things, good people, good music, good everything I can get my hands on. I force myself to be in elements that I have never been in before. I don't let who I was get me down because I am not that person. Although I would never hide what I was from somebody who asked, I do kind of have a bit of a tinge of, hmm, darkness next to light when I think of a new friend of mine. The way I get rid of it though is I remind myself that I am a new creation in Christ.

I don't know at times if I feel emotional about the wonders of this whole new world I am unearthing or if I am feeling emotional because I feel sorry for that girl who, for whatever reason, went the way of the bad in her life rather than the good. I almost think that it is possible that happened because maybe the good was trying so hard to keep their own head above water (something I can truly relate to) that they were not altogether able to do much more than that. All I know is that I'm glad to now be in a place where I don't have to fight to keep from drowning myself, so maybe my girl will never have to go through what I did and will not marry her father.

In the meantime, I am so happy in this life right now that I just want to cry and there is really no other reason than the fact that I don't cry every day anymore. That I am not in a world of "ugly" people. That I am not told that I am an "ugly" person. That I am not yelled at or called names. That my girl is edified and uplifted daily rather than being cussed at all the time in the most foulest of ways. That I am surrounded by good people. That drugs and alcohol are not a part of mine or those that I am surrounded with lives.

I am full of gratefulness and I think that this counts for the reason I feel like crying. How amazing it is that God could turn my life around in such a wonderful way. One of the biggest and most recent is that I am cigarette free. For two weeks, but forever. I am free. Yes, I am full of gratefulness.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that one day we look around and see a bunch of people full of emotion, even crying, all because they are so grateful at what God is and has molded them to be.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Wow

Wow, wow, wow. I am so filled up with the goodness of God I can hardly stand it. This weekend has almost been so much for me that I feel at a loss for words and just feel filled to abundance with the wonders of the Lord.

For one, the woman that I prayed for God to bring to me at Convoy of Hope came to church with her family. When I saw her, I just about melted and praised the Lord at the same time. The hug I gave her was so heartfelt and full of joy that I could hardly contain it. I had to laugh as I went up to close the morning service with the worship team when I started singing before I was supposed to and then just about forgot all the words and tunes to the song. I truly think I was in shock, but the smile and look of the worship leader got me back in line. That alone was priceless. He looked at me like "What's going on Dianne?" I think he was in shock that I was totally out of it as well.

I am still relatively new to dealing with the miracles of the Lord and when I am shown one, it just takes my breath away and really takes me a moment (or moments) to process. Wow.

I remarked to a friend today that there is a whole world out there that I am just learning to enjoy, that is waiting to be tried, that is full of - non sinful things to do. My goodness, I got to do one of those things today. Drum circle. How cool that was. Just a bunch of people sitting in a circle making music out of nothing but rhythm. I loved that freedom and will definitely be back again.

Life is good. Forgive me if I keep going back to wow, but wow. I really don't know what else to do except to praise the Lord and thank him profusely. My personal biggest wow right now is the fact that I have been delivered (14 days as of tomorrow) from smoking. Wow. Something I never thought could really happen for me, but something that God has helped me with and is for real. That's the only thing I think about this besides wow. That this is for real. Lord, I am amazed by you.

I have gotten some of the neatest new friends lately and again, I find myself going back to wow. People can really genuinely be good. Again, after what I have known for so long, I come back to wow. I'm lovin it!

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the wow factor that God can and does place in our lives when we are ready to receive it. That when He starts laying it on, that we remember to breathe, because all of this wow can really take your breath away. I'm breathing. Wow.

Hallelujah.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Convoy of Hope Recap

For the last two weeks, I have been praying about Convoy of Hope and the one person whose life I was going to touch or bring to know Christ. I met her. I knew it was her from the moment we first had contact. We spent a few moments together with her children and then I led the kids to the coloring tables so mom and I could have some time together. I told her she was the one and that she was what God had brought me there for. We had some truly great time and sharing together. I do hope to run into her again and I do hope that she will remember the love of Christ that flowed from me to her. Because of meeting this girl, my dream of what I hoped that God would use me for at the event was answered. However, God didn't stop there.

My biggest surprise of the day was how I was used by God in Spanish. I met a woman from another church that was there volunteering as well who didn't speak English and we were enjoying talking to each other while in line waiting to serve the guests coming into the prayer tent. Because of our conversations, the greeters and the pastor to my new friend caught on that I spoke Spanish. I hadn't written "Espanol" on my nametag because I was uncertain of how confident I was. I guess I did just fine because I understood the needs and was able to convey the love of God completely. The only disservice I think I might have done to our Spanish only speaking guests that I served was that when I prayed, I really needed to do most of that in English because that is the language that I speak to God in and just didn't want to struggle for words while praying.

I have to share the moment I walked into the prayer tent. It was a big white tent and as soon as I crossed under the threshold of the tent I felt this instant surge of emotion. I know that was the Holy Spirit welcoming me to the place He had been calling me to be.

One of my the most intimate times I had today was with a man who lives on the streets and struggles with alcoholism. Wow is all I can say. The complete candor we had with him answering my questions and telling me of life on the streets was real. I can't explain how the openness he shared with me touched me. It was eye-opening in such a non-judgmental way on my part. He really seemed resigned to life as it was, but yet had such goodness in him and a love for the Lord.

Another blessed moment came to me when I talked with another prayer volunteer, an older lady, and asked her how her day went. I almost cried when she told me of the mexican father with the 5 children, the oldest being a 12 year old son, and how she was sowing in the father, not even knowing she would be reaping in that son. That young man told her he wanted to know Christ and invited him into his heart. That 12 year old son, the woman told me, hugged her 3 times, the last time almost not wanting to let go. That young man will remember this day forever.

I had no idea that praying with people could be so exhausting. I finally kind of just stopped. I had nothing left to give and at one point I just could pray no more. It was weird. I fell in love even deeper with the people of my church. I loved the fact that no matter where I went on the grounds - I could say or do something Christian to anybody in a grey shirt like mine and be totally understood. That was cool. I'd love it if the whole world were like that, but it's not. Funny thing is, half the time I act like it is.

All in all, a blessed day. Full of giving love away. After all, love is nothing til it's given away, you end up having more.

Today join me in prayer that the people that were touched at this event keep that feeling of love that each and every one of us volunteers gave to them. That love was real and different for each guest, but real is the key word there. After all, it was the love of Jesus and how much more real can that be?

Hallelujah!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Call Me Crazy... Going through it.

I just don't get it. I am happy. I know that I am better off now than I have been in a long time. I am grateful for where God has brought me to and for who God has been molding me to be and who I am becoming. However, there are those times, when out of nowhere, my soul still aches for what was supposed to be. It makes me feel bad. Almost like God will think that I am ungrateful for what I have.

No lie though, no matter how good my life is becoming, there are just those times when I wish my reality still was with him. Sharing life with our family, before everything went wrong. Gosh, I think I'd be just a little bit happier if my STBX at least loved our daughter enough to tell her that or give her a call. How you forget you have a kid is beyond me. I hope that when it does finally get in contact with her, she will be strong enough to not be too let down when he disappears or withholds his love from her because she didn't do what he wanted to.

OH MY GOSH!!! I JUST WOKE UP FROM THE NIGHTMARE I WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT!!!! A song is going through my head it goes something like "What was I thinking".

Needless to say, there are just those moments when I miss what should have been. But then I wake up. Ok, I'm awake - just had to go through that moment, thought I'd take you with me. Sometimes reality sucks, especially the parts about forgotten kids. Wow. I'm so glad to be me.

Today join me in prayer that we all stay awake in what's real, that reality does not escape us and in the moments that it does, we wake up quickly cuz we were living in a dream.

Hallelujah!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Pier 1 Pillows and Loving a teen

I walk past Pier 1 on my way to my bus stop and to home. The other morning I just couldn't help myself as a christmas pillow display on a couch in the window caught my eye. I swear it was winking and twinkling at me to get me to look. I stopped my quick walk and went to the window and just looked at that red pillow thinking of how beautiful it looked there. I honestly can't remember the last time something called me from a display in a window to look at it. For just a moment I just stood there and looked at that pillow wondering if I should find a way to buy it, what would I do with it and did I really even want it or was I just meant to take a moment of my life to stop, look at it and think how pretty it looked in that display.

I don't know why, but that darn pillow stuck in my head for the last few days. However, the pillow is now - I believe gone, because it looks as if all the others are still there, but that pretty red one is gone. Go figure, but hey, my Financial Peace University budget told me I couldn't have bought it anyways.

Well, today I blew it with my daughter. She has this new thing of trying to act like life is totally miserable and anybody who knows me knows that although things can be tough, life is anything but miserable for me. So, therefore, living with somebody who works so hard at keeping a straight, non-smiling face proves to be wearing on me at times and today I had a fit. An old familiar curse word even slip slided out of my mouth. Dang, Darn and shoot. I absolutely hate being bad. It makes me feel so uncool.

Well, one of the ways that I made myself feel better, besides repenting and apologizing, was to remember that Pier 1 pillow. It's gone. I came home from worship rehearsal and she is still here. We had bought some Oreo cookies today, (made me remember the fit I had in the store as "Have yourself a merry little christmas started playing. HELLO! IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THAT!), and agreed that we'd have milk and cookies when I got home. I decided I needed to be better when I got home. I came in, the normal happy me and shouted "Mama, you ready for some milk and cookies? Let's play a few games of Wii first." How cool, my kid smiled as we played. She acted goofy. She laughed at me as I made my cool moves.

Yes, my girl is way better than my Pier 1 pillow. I guess all in all, as hard as it is at times, I love my teenager and I am so glad that I still have her and I promise to keep realizing that she is just a teenager, part woman, part child and not have a fit again...for at least a few months. My teenager will grow up someday and someday I will look in that room and she's gone, just like my Pier 1 pillow, but with her, I plan on at least knowing where she went.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for parents of teens that blow it. That they can make a comeback and fix the situation and rise above not being perfect. That they keep striving though.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Slip Sliding Away..

You know the nearer your destination, the more your'e slip sliding away.

I loved Simon and Garfunkle. Paul Simon could certainly write songs about the soul of humanity. How true it is the words of the above mentioned song. For quite some time I have wanted to succeed to prove to my STBX that I could. I will even be honest and say that I have told my daughter we have to do well, she has to do well, to show him how ok we are without him. I need to remember to tell her that we don't. That if the natural succession of things works out as it should, that we are going to do well without even trying to prove a thing to anybody else.

I feel it happening. This new life that God has unfolded for me, although at this time still shaky financially is becoming richer than anything I could have ever thought possible. I have gained some wonderful new friends in my life and am learning and understanding my daughter even more than I thought I wanted to or could. She is a beautiful disaster at times you know. Made of both my STBX and I, but more formed and shaped by him by the sheer fact that he had more time with her while she was growing. So yes, there can be a battle there, but I have taken a step back and decided to just keep leading her by example. She'll start to be a little more formed and shaped by me by the sheer fact that I didn't go away and you know what, the example she is being led by is really turning out to be a good one.

There was a moment when I was gaining all these new friends that against a few of them, I felt black next to their white. But again, that would be what my STBX would want to point out. That I was not good enough due to things in my past. You know what though. That doesn't matter anymore. How true is it that when we get closer to our destination - our goal, that the further we slip slide away. I don't really know that old Dianne anymore. These new friends that have creamy white pasts in comparison don't know her either. They know somebody totally different. Somebody good and somebody real. I'm getting to know her as well.

I am feeling so much better about something huge in my life. The very last physical thing I was holding on to that, for me, was sin - separating me from God, was smoking cigarettes. Having failed quitting attempts many times, I have put a lot of planning, prayer and emphasis on the importance to me of being a non-smoker for a while now. I am, only a slight bit trepidly, proudly stating that I am a non-smoker. I know that I am different now. Something about me has way more power over the things I don't want in my life to be there. I am certain that one of those strengths that has helped me is my Pastor's sermon on perseverance and making the conscious decision to start with throwing out the elevator at work and only walking the stairs. After all, we have to start somewhere.

The other day, I was tired of those darn stairs having been up and down those 4 flights in fairly rapid succession, I made a decision to go and push that elevator button. Believe me, the door to that elevator hadn't even opened when I woke up and said "What the heck are you doing?!" Believe me, I turned around and started climing those stairs rebuking Satan from stopping me in my perseverance and giving God all the glory for creating me to be the kind of person that wants to persevere. A person who knows that if I can just keep climing the stairs that I can do anything else that really matters because I don't quit when it gets hard! That I was going to turn this perseverance and use it in my stop smoking endeavor all for His glory because I want to serve Him with all I am. (I hope nobody heard me because I might have been praying out loud climbing up those stairs having gotten so upset at myself for almost taking that elevator)

No, step by step, as we get closer to what we want, the more and more the old that we didn't is slip sliding away. That it becomes something we don't want anymore or you know, at times almost even remember. My goal in mine and my daughter's successes are now so that I can be the woman God created me to be, and that I can lead her by example to know a life full of the fruits of the spirits and to know that living a life to serve the Lord is just the answer to help get her there.

Today I pray that we all can sing a chorus of Slip Sliding Away and praise God for the wonder of becoming new creations in Christ. After all, we are. I pray that we all pick and stick to some type of stair walking, acknowledging that it is a self-discipline that we are after. To persevere at something and not quit, trusting that God will take and turn this effort on our part into a strength at helping us to be better for His glory in some other area in our life.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

God's Peace

A fellow blogger posted a blog about some things that I have been pondering myself lately. Her husband left her as well all while she believed, as did I, that God was going to do a miracle. After all, God does hate divorce. God does want families to stay together. God did not want me to lose everything I really ever owned, or for my STBX husband to take everything he could from me or for him to abandon his daughter almost as completely as a father could without batting an eye. Or that I should suffer for so many years with the hurt of the physical, mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on me.

If these things were not what God wanted for me, why did they have to happen and being that they did, why am I so ok now? I am ok because God allowed me to go through these things, never giving me more than I could handle and because He is showing me more each day, in the strength that I am seeing grow in me due to my faith, that He is using and will use me to be a blessing to others. To tell someone "hey, I've been where you are" is something that can really make a difference in someone else's life. I am ok because I have the peace of God in me.

I know that I am an extreme having been through so many of the extremes of life. But maybe, that means that I am going to be an even more viable and useful instrument of God's peace in the lives of others. I used to question God why me, but I don't anymore. I accept the facts of my life and trust God that He has great plans to prosper and not harm me. I find it so weird that where I used to long for him to restore my marriage, I am now so grateful that all that needed to be strengthened and restored was my trust in Him.

I had a moment of dang again today that could have made the old Dianne feel kind of crunchy, but this new Dianne just felt sorry for someone else at the fact that they are still in the same place and will probably remain there for quite some time. While I am so far from the old me, that I hardly recognize myself. I called my STBX today because he had said that he will give more in support for our daughter than the next to nothing he has given once before in the 3 months he has been gone. As he answered the phone I posed my question and he said to me "I have to go, I'm in the middle of a party - I will call you tomorrow."

I just hung up the phone and the battle between old and new began. The old me saying dang, there he goes just dismissing me again. The new me was again kind of amazed at how he really doesn't care about his daughter anymore. She called him last Saturday and he promised to call her this week. No ring came from Mexico for her this week. The new me felt happy because - yes, he might be having so much fun at whatever party, that praise God, the new me did not wish to be by his side like the old me so desired to be, but I was just preparing to go see our daughter, my precious 15 year old daughter play a soccer game. A game that, yes, he taught her to play wonderfully, but that I will get to enjoy for at least 2-5 more years to come of watching her shine because she is good at it and she shines when she plays. The new me felt God's peace. The new won. I did not let myself feel badly because of him.

Praise God, that is exactly what I have. No need to question the why's of a life gone awry anymore because I know that God is guiding me to right where I have known, no matter what I was doing was someday coming, a place where I will shine for His glory and make a difference in the world around me. I love my life. I love God's peace in me.

Today join me in prayer for the time when each of us notices that we are different. That when the things we have asked God for for so long come to pass in our life that we take notice and praise the Lord. That we each come to a point where we no longer question why, but we just accept what is and find God's peace - it will come.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Making a Difference

I have been so swamped at work this past few days, today was no different and I found myself racing out of the building to catch my bus. What a day to have no time to use the restroom before I left as the bus turned out to be a half hour late, but that's a totally different story. Well, anyways, as I got in and sat down in my very late to arrive bus, a woman I don't recall ever seeing before sat next to me.

Although most of the people on my bus to and from work are regulars, I have only talked to two of them before and my morning ride is usually spent reading for the New Testament Challenge at church and on the way home I sleep. God must be with me because I fall asleep about 4 minutes after getting on the bus and wake up always right before my stop. I had to laugh one day as an older regular gentleman sat next to me and said "don't worry, I won't talk to you, I know you fall asleep." For all I know, I am known as the sleeper.

Well anyways, this woman knew me differently - I really don't know from where. But she sat next to me and said. "I have to tell you something. I always see you smiling and just wanted you to know that it makes me happy. " Despite wondering where she saw me, I couldn't help but smile at her as I told her about how important God is to me. Guess what? She listened and even asked me where I went to church. I felt happy that what I feel on the inside is showing on the outside.

I just love what God is doing in my life. I am so grateful that He has brought me to where I am today. My job is "ending" and I will lose the out of class pay that I have been earning that makes it so I can live and even at living, I am right on the edge. I am unable to take the test to actually be "qualified" to keep my job until it is offered in either late November or December. Well, if this pay ends I would humanly have reason to worry. I am not afraid. I am not playing with God. He is not messing with me either. Yes, He lets me go through stuff, but I am learning more and more that the stuff I have gone through has made me the kind of woman that the woman on the bus sees smiling. It can't be all that bad then. I will be ok and God has my back.

I have volunteered to work at the Convoy of Hope to be held next Saturday. I will be working in the prayer tent and attended training tonight to be better prepared to do so. As I sat in training I was just about ready to cry as the thought came to me that possibly, one of my dreams of leading someone to Christ might just come true next weekend. About 10,000 people are expected and all have to pass through this tent to get to the exit. There are about 60-80 volunteers who will work in pairs. Chances are that God is going to place me in the right place for a person who might just be going through some of the things I have gone through that I can provide hope for, that I can lead to know the way, the truth and the life. Oh my gosh. I can only just trust God that He will use me in a mighty way for His glory to bring just one more person to know Him. A person that someone might see on a bus someday and turn to them and thank them for being remarkable to them because they are always seen smiling. God is truly good.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for Convoy of Hope. That their need for lunches for workers on Thursday and Friday is met. That the financial cost of the fencing is covered. That there will be enough groceries for all. That many people come to know Christ that day.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Addendum to the day

Oh my gosh, call me a dweeb or whatever (I prefer to think of myself as a relentless woman of faith), but I have been looking forward to tonight's Experiencing the Spirit service all week long. I was not disappointed. What a blessing to be in the midst of other church family members and hear what God is doing in their lives as well as share what He is speaking to me.

In light of my meltdown today, one of the questions pastor asked us to pose to ourselves is this: What is limiting me from greater fruitfulness? I know the answer and it is my own unbelief. What do I have to fear? Nothing because if I am believing God for His word, I am trusting each and every one of His promises. For the most part, I do. God is not going to leave me in a state of hurt, this is - we all know I frequently speak of the valleys and mountaintops, well this is a valley. I trust God will be with me as I walk through it.

Pastor pointed out to us how we can not go back to what we used to be once we have known Christ. I know that to be true because every time I try to run, he never lets go and I find myself turning right back to him. I know that as well in my marriage, that I can not go back to what I used to be in it or what it was. I also know that right now, God does not want me to. So, for now, I am going to lift up my face and trust in God's promises and ask Him each and every step of my travels to be with me and show me what it is He wants me to see and to do. After all, I am created for His delight and for His use, not my own and I am no longer my own. I am His.

Tonight join me in prayer thanking God for those days that He restores us and brings us back to what we know, but sometimes lose sight of. Thank God that He never wastes a hurt and that He will bring us to a place, once we get through our hurts to where we will be of use to someone someday who may suffer just as we are now. Join with me in prayer that we always remember those times are just valleys and that a mountaintop will come.

Thank you Father for Experiencing the Spirit Services. Maybe one of you that are reading this that don't go to my church will join me for next month's service, I promise that you will leave differently than you entered.

Hallelujah!

Meltdowns and Grilled Cheese

The other day I blogged on how I am a firmly rooted tree. Thank God I am because I think that today I would fallen over. Hello Mr. Meltdown! Well, thanks to some wonderful women at church, they got me to remember those strong roots and let me know that it was ok to feel what I am feeling.

I guess that's the case at times, we need to know that it's ok to not be always on top. I messed up on a worship song, that didn't make me feel any better, but it also might have been the catalyst that helped me to go through this - I guess stage of grief. I will not lie, I miss my husband. Again, though, my Life Advisor taught me the pros and cons and I know that what I am missing is my vision of what should have and could have been had I been dealing with anything in the norm. Those things far outweight what really was. None the less, this crap hurts and I guess I need to feel it to get over it. So, I felt it in the safest place to be. Church.

I think what put me over the edge was when Pastor said as long as we honor God, nothing is impossible. Darn it, that is what I have been doing and for so long I was trusting that he would restore my marriage. I guess I just need to change what I think is impossible and since I am honoring God with all I am, he will work on it. Right now, I think it is impossible that I will ever stop loving my husband or wishing that he would have just let love flow rather than let love go. Anyways... I am told by a new friend that it takes about a year and a half. Dang, seems so far off.

The service today was about servanthood. How servanthood brings happiness, generates harmony in relationships and changes the world. I think I'll start servanthood in this moment by making my daughter a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. What are you going to do?

Today join me in prayer for the impossible to be realized in our lives. That we give our lives to servanthood and that we honor God for what and who He is.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 22, 2010

I Am a Tree

This past week of the pressure that I dealt with and that I caused someone else, I sought counsel with a girlfriend who prayed with me and mentioned the tree that sways with the wind, but is firmly rooted. Last night at worship rehearsal, after telling my fellow singer of my week and my struggles, she said let's pray right now and again, when prayed for I was reminded to be as a tree that sways with the wind, but is firmly rooted. When she was done praying I told her about my other friend praying the same thing and she said that this was God putting words into her mouth because she didn't even have the right words to say and the words weren't hers.

I get it God. You want me to be a tree. I hear you telling me to stand firm and that yes, it's ok for me to bend and sway, but you want me rooted right where I am. Guess what God. Even before you had those words come from my sister's hearts, I heard you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to hear your voice.

This last week has been kind of emotional for me and this has bugged me because I was afraid that my tears were a sign of fear and that is something that I fight with all I am because fear is not of God and I am (I think) not afraid of anything and try to live my life worry free. Well, I have been told that as a woman, sometimes it's best for us to let go and cry rather than stuffing it in. Guess I've been being a woman this past week. The weird thing is that I have been crying for two reasons. One, because the pressure against me has been great, but the second is because I am finding myself more and more in awe of God and how I have changed as I seek Him more. It has been a week of amazement on my part because of the awe factor.

Had a totally blessed day today. Went with a new friend to a driving range and really enjoyed that first for me and I didn't even really suck at it. Thank you college class 20 years ago for teaching me form. Went with the same friend to get a flu shot - hey, that's way better than going alone. Then went to dim sum together. That was really enjoyable. All in all, it was really nice to get to know him a bit more. We are going to start running together to help me be able to run a 13 mile marathon in March. I'm looking forward to being able to do this.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all become like trees and stay rooted in what's right in our lives. That we all know we can bend and sway, but that we don't have to move and flit around. Join me in prayer thanking God for friends, new and old in our lives that provide us with pleasure and fun.

Hallelujah!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Stand Still and Stay

This past few days have been filled with an intense pressure to give in to something that I know with all I am is not what I should do. When the pressure rises to it's strongest, I hear this voice within me that screams at me to "Stand Still and Stay" to not give up or give in.

There was a time when a self-assessment of my life and of the things I did in it would not bring about the best answers. That is no longer true. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not what I used to be. I know that I am not doing things outside of God's will. Not occasionally, more like not at all. The weird thing is is that I always thought that to live like I am living now would make me "not cool." Guess what, I'm still cool, well, cool just like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but I'm not a dweeb or anything.

So, for now, no matter the pressure against me, I am just going to stand still and stay. God is speaking through my heart and I hear him, and really, it is quite amazing to me how He is not giving me anything more than I can handle. As well for now, I am going to have fun in a totally new "cool" way. Golfing with a buddy on Friday, soccer on Saturday, another blessed service I am sure on Sunday (man last Sunday was awesome). Life lived, the way God intended. Doing my best, serving Him, putting Him first and listening, always listening for His voice to guide me, just as I am doing.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we stand still and stay when we know that what we are doing is correct and within God's will. That we learn to listen for and hear His voice. That we learn to be comfortable in what He is creating us to be.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

So Far From Perfect and Lessons Learned

Well, today I blew it, but I did the best I could to remedy my mess up. I thought somebody was picking on me and being the new, strong Dianne, I did as the bible said and "confronted my brother in private". Well, I was wrong and ended up having to apologize. Not cool on my part. But I learned something.

I have been under extreme pressure this last few days and have had to withstand quite a storm, something I am continuing to do, but something that, nonetheless has placed a bit of pressure on me. In the midst of this, I took something that was said to me COMPLETELY WRONG! I handled it wrong. The ways I handled it wrong were as follows. 1) I forgot to run my response through my "filter" of my friends. 2) I forgot to use my "I" statements, which would have completely avoided the other party feeling attacked. 3) It was pointed out to me by the other party that I took them off guard and should have talked to them prior to acting hastily. All of these three things were definitely my bad.

Well, I again proved to myself and to others, that I am so far from perfect. This made me feel badly with myself that I blew it so greatly. But in the moments that I felt like crap about my mistake, and yes, I even cried at my disappointment in me, I still had this fight in me that the original pressure I am dealing with as well as this new one, I am not going to give in. I am so glad that I serve such a redeeming God as well. How great it is when it shines so loud and clear that "He will give us no more than we can handle." Even though I still saw the glimmer of hope, I, for a moment felt almost hopeless. In that very moment, something came through to me that brought me to tears, once again (twice in a day, dang, I'm on a roll) in awe of how He really does give us no more than we can handle.

What an affirmation to keep on when we are given that break. Yes, even in the midst of one of my biggest of late screw ups and a really difficult life pressure, I was given a break. It's at those times that I can't help but sing "You Are Amazing" or "How Great Thou Art". Wow. Now, hopefully the other party will forgive me and realize that the good in me outweighs the bad as well as they will not harden their heart towards me, but that is completely up to them and only something I can hope for the best in those two matters. I am so not perfect, but at least I am learning along the way.

Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord just for who He is. Let's thank him for the times he gives us the breaks we need to let us know that we are not hopeless and that we are on the right paths, even if we screw up.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dang...

I can't imagine having missed today's church service. The Holy Spirit was coarsing through the place, through the people singing praises, through my pastor giving the message. Oh my gosh, it was exactly what I needed. I am so blessed to have been there.

Today Pastor spoke about perseverance, telling us to persevere in our prayer, in our spiritual growth and in our times of failure and loss. The best moment for me came when he spoke of how when failure or loss comes into our lives, that those are just times of feedback. Pastor said how failures in life can lead to resurrections. What hope came to my heart. I am on the right path.

Heck, I know failure, I am so enjoying the resurrection of me for God's glory. Today's service gave me more strength to continue on my path of overcoming my failures and losses. I know that I am not going to quite and that I am going to keep on, but it is so nice to feel that holy spirit all around my whole church family and to realize that I am an integral part of them and that as much as I love and care about each and every one of them, they care about me as well. Dang, it's going to be a great week. I have been recharged!!!

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that the same Holy Spirit that flowed in church today will make himself present in our homes and lives so that we can be lights in whatever we do until we meet again to be recharged. I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for imparting messages to our pastors that touch us so deeply as to move and give us the strength to keep being the best we can be.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Maybe I'm Just Messed, or Maybe God is Talking

Something has been weighing on my heart the past few days. I have been struggling with the fact that I miss what should have been with my husband and some of the things that were. Then I wake up and realize that the things that were weigh far less than the things that should have been. And being as I don't want my past pain to be my point of reference, I try to brush this stuff and tell the Lord that "Hey, this hurts, but I know you've got me covered." So, anyways, yes, I crunch at times even now when I know I have come so far.

It's funny how in the crunch times, little things seem to come at you more. Today I was cold and I reached in blindly to my sock space (tons of socks in there) and pulled out, none other than a pair of his socks. The socks that I loved, the socks that I always used when I was cold and the socks he put on my feet after our daughter was born to help warm me up. (Different pair of socks, just the same brand that I loved). Little things have been coming at me that just keep reminding me of him. When that happens I wonder why and I kind of have deducted that at those times God wants me to pray for him, so I do - shooting in a little prayer for myself as well to get me through those moments.

Anyways, I was in the presence of a young couple this past week and I couldn't help but notice that the wife was not edifying her husband with either her words or her gestures. I know this woman and know some of her own struggles and couldn't help but feel that her responses and actions towards him were from her own insecurites. I could not sleep the other night as I just felt that God was telling me to talk to her. I don't know if it comes from the fact that I so believe in marriages lasting, but I just thought that maybe I could share a few insights with her. After all Titus 2:4 clearly states these older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children. Due to the fact that I could not sleep over this coursing through my heart and mind, I feel that God is telling me to spend a moment with her. Or, am I just so messed up over losing my marriage that I just don't want her to ever go through a divorce. Either way, it sounds to me like I can say a few things in love, love for her and love for her family.

Talk about putting the bible in action. What a scary thing to do.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we are able to leave out band-aids alone. That we don't keep lifting them up to show everybody our owies which slows the healing process. That for those times when we need to change the band-aids, that we do so and do it quickly, so that the healing process can be hastened. Join me in prayer that for the times when our owies start seeping out that we, if necessary, seek help in our healing so that underlying infections don't develop and that we have equipped ourselves with the knowledge of where to go in those times. Join me in prayer that if God speaks to our hearts, we put our own fears aside and trust Him that the outcomes will be ok.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm Not Going Anywhere

There is a woman at work that I completely bother. I can feel it all the time that no matter how much I stay, she would much rather I go away. I find it so funny that she really doesn't bother me in return. Others notice as well that she doesn't say the best of things to me, but guess what? I don't care. She has no reason to dislike me other than the fact that I rub her the wrong way and that doesn't bother me because I understand. We've all had someone in our life that rubs us wrong. Ha, I'm now on the other end of that stick and am laughing because just because someone rubs us wrong doesn't mean that we rub them wrong because she really doesn't bother me. Besides, I actually like her and I actually care deeply about her and I think that she makes a wonderful difference to her family and to her world. I used to get a little bothered that once she found out I was a christian she seemed to find pleasure in using foul words around me, but you know, I just prayed about it, ignored it and kept on loving her in my Dianne fashion. One thing I had to laugh about is that there is another woman that gets so bothered about the little things she says that she was starting to fight my "battles" for me and get upset at her and say things to her. I told her, don't worry about it, that I was ok and that those things don't bother me. The funny thing is that they don't. I really do care about this lady, she is a loving person and makes such a great difference in her family that I rejoice in the love she shows them, just because she doesn't like me, oh well.

I crack myself up at times. God in my life makes me laugh as well. Not only has he given me the strength to "Stay" during times of trial, He has given me the strength to "Stay" during parts of life that many would walk away from. This strength is rising up in me throughout different parts of my life. I am "choosing" to be strong in His strength. I am loving piggybacking on God. And I am loving adding the words "I choose" to my life because we do have choices and the way that I think is that these choices can be difficult or as simple as I choose to love this woman no matter how she feels about me. (I actually think she likes me, I just rub her wrong.) How cool is it though that we don't have to fight battles, that we can stand and "Stay" and people must go around us, and as long as we are staying in the Light that we are ok. That's one thing we must remember and check ourselves for, I have not once stood in her way and stayed there just to bug her because I knew it would. We can not try to bother others, but I think that is why I am blogging about this because I have never tried to do that, I am sheerly remarking that I bug her just because I am me.

My job - the one that I obtained that allowed for me to financially move out in August to start this new life, is still not mine. I have yet to take the test that I must place in the top three ranks that will allow for me to my position. You know, I could stress and fuss and be worried, but I am remarking that I am not. The financial difference will definitely put a huge strain on me, beyond what I think we can manage, but you know what, God will find a way and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm not saying that it isn't on my mind the importance of me doing my best, but isn't that supposed to be on our mind always anyways? Just another part of life isn't it.

Today is going to be such a blessed day. I just listened to an empowering message by Matthew Hagee (when that man opens his mouth to sing, I think angels pop out in his voice.) My daughter woke up in a relatively good mood. I am going to hang with girlfriends tonight and we are going to make vision boards together and eat lots of good food. Life is good and I'm not going anywhere that is going to take me out of God's will for it. No, I'm definitely not going anywhere.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the people in our lives that we rub the wrong way. That we stand and love them just the same and no matter what. Join me in prayer for times that we need to just trust God to avoid bringing unnecessary stress in our lives. That we learn to enjoy the piggyback rides of our lives and just relax and be thankful for the freedom from having to walk through the hard parts because He is doing it for us.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Safest Place to Be

What a great day this has been, actually what a great week. I am completely marveling at how wonderful it is to be living a life in God's will. Alas, perfection eludes me, but for the most part, I'm doing ok. Monday night was my first night of my 6 week long "Freedom from Smoking" class and our official quit date is October 25. Come that morning, I am planning on waking up for the first day of the rest of my life to be free from smoking. I know completely that this won't be easy, but I also know that my service to God will be with all I am once I make this step and I know that He is worth the struggle I am sure that I am going to be facing to make this happen. Heck, it's better than nails driven through my hands isn't it.

I had a friend tell me recently that he found his sanctuary in running. I am hoping that running is going to be something I find myself doing in the near future. I don't know why, but it has been calling me since Spring. I keep having this mental picture of me running and I hope that it is something I find myself doing in the next few months. I want to come to that place that joggers talk about, that peace, not that I am not finding peace in my life now, but let's face it, the facts prove that when people quit smoking the chances of weight gain are kind of likely and I am already a chunk. However, on that note I realized what a chunk I am the other day and began taking measures to remedy the situation. Hello my Empower Core Ball - it's already working (Praise the Lord), I see Miss Muffin getting a little smaller.

Today at work, I started getting this new feeling of strength. All week long I have been praying harder than normal as I am walking to work that God will show me what I need to know, show me how to serve Him on the job. That He will use me in the workplace. This week it seems that the knowledge I have gained is starting to fit together and I am starting to understand more. The other day I went to a woman's office area (I don't really know her) and on her desk she had a bible and I commented on it. We small talked for a moment and she mentioned that she was having some rough times on the job - at that moment, I walked back to her and told her quietly "The safest place to be during times of peril is right in the middle of God's will". (I have this posted on my computer at work and isn't it the truth?)

Today that woman called me for business and it was neat to hear as we went to say goodbye, she thanked me for being just what she needed in that moment and told me how the words with me have carried her through the week. Wow, God used me. How exciting that something that he filled me with ran over to her and helped her along and that she was so happy to have found a fellow christian on the job. Praise the Lord. God used me. Isn't that what it's all about?

I am still remarking on how hard the last two weeks were for me and how I CHOSE (key word there) to sit it out, kind of lay low with God and if I can say this, relax through the difficulty trusting that I would get something good out of it for His glory. What greatness I got, all because I made a choice. I got the greatness of knowing that He will carry us through those yucky times and that we don't have to let our feelings mess us up. I felt bad the last few weeks, but I did not let that stop me from smiling on the outside, I didn't let it stop me from praising God, I did not let it stop me from singing. Those bummed feelings stopped me from nothing. I won! Wow, I am victorious, all because I remembered the safest place to be.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all find our safe places. That we trust in those safe places and that we carry on during times of being bummed. I promise it is so cool to get to the other side after them and see that we are stronger, better, and more able to be a blessing to those around us.

Hallelujah!

Monday, October 11, 2010

A New Creation in Christ

Today has been a day of awareness, something that started coming to me over this past weekend. Funny, I knew during this past two weeks, which were kind of like a valley - that if I just hung in there, that if I just stayed in God's will, something good was going to come out of it, and it did.

I have a fellow blogger that is just a bit ahead of me in the healing game and there are times that she carries me through, and possibly, I help her as well by helping her to realize how far she has come. That's all fine and dandy to realize how far we've come by measurements of friends, or of their observations, but how amazing is it when God speaks to your heart and brings to light all that He has done for you. I am standing here to tell you that it almost always brings me to tears as well as fills me with an awe that I can't even explain.

My Life Advisor has informed me that I no longer need to see him, that I have met all of my goals. In the way that we said goodbye, it made me think back to where we started. God brought to light all of the changes in me. I am stronger. My heart is light and free and is no longer a weight that hurts 24/7. Now when I cry, I am crying - usually in awe of him, sometimes out of life's pressures, but not daily and not because of the hurt I feel over the way I or my daughter are being treated. I have real friends that care about me and I am learning to care about others as well in healthy ways and I am forming healthy relationships. I am learning that life is fun and can be fun without living in sin or going the way of the world. God is showing me that I am a new creation in Christ and I am grateful.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that more and more people will begin to let go of everything they've known and get to a place where they go the way of the Lord and find themselves to be people that they never thought they could be, always knowing there is still so much work to be done, but so very grateful that they are not where they used to be.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Blessed Day Indeed

This has been an amazingly wonderful, insightful day. God has made me laugh and again awed me with His knowledge of the things that are best for me as well as helped me see me just a bit more clearly.

I just had the best talk with my daughter. As I wrote of previously, my STBX called me the other night and for a moment tried to act like a friend of mine. That moment as I said, ended quickly, but I knew at the moment I recognized his voice calling my phone instead of hers that something was up. Sure enough, my daughter called him today and I'll be darned if he doesn't want us to go live in Mexico with him. He asked her if I wanted to talk to him, something of course I said no to.

I messed with my daughter and told her that while she was with her friend this evening, I used our emergency fund and bought two one way tickets, and a set of luggage for each of us. She did not think that was funny and it was then I realized she was afraid. It was before then that I realized how far I have come. I was kind of in shock when I heard the news from her that he wanted us to move there. She told me as well that he was asking questions about me "does she have a boyfriend" "does she talk to guys on the computer", etc.

I sat down with my daughter, calling her to me and told her that I wanted to talk seriously with her. I asked her to honestly tell me if she thought I would do something like that, move us to Mexico. She said yes. I looked her straight in the eye and told her how God was so at work in healing me. I acknowledged that as much as I had loved her father, and possibly still do, that there was absolutely no way I would or could ever let him come back into my life - our life. I likened her father to a drug for me telling her that just like when you realize that you don't want to do drugs, you do all you can to keep yourself safe from them and stay completely away from any part of the world that you might have contact with them. I need to stay away from her father. For me, just like drugs, he is not safe. Instead he would just like to suck me back in to a life where I was less than anything else, kind of like dog poop on your shoes. Just stuck there and stinking to the wearer of the shoes.

I acknowledged to her that I knew how horrible this past year has been, because her fear of some things makes me think that she thinks I didn't know how bad it was. I made her comfortable in the fact that no matter how funky things can get at times I am happy right where we are. I let her see how great our God is because I acknowledged Him with her of all the wonders He has done in our life since we moved out. I also expressed my shock to her that her father would for one minute even think that us moving there would be an option. I think what has finally happened to him is that he went to Mexico to "find himself" and found out that he was way more miserable now that he only has himself than he ever was here. That the only good in his life was the good he walked out on and stepped on for the last year.

He wants my daughter to go there in November, but unfortunately, I am not able to let that happen right now. I believe that he is going to realize- if he isn't already coming to this realization, that I am not going to let him back in. I believe that he is going to get angry at some point and I honestly don't know if his anger would cause him to keep her there. When I was being abused there, the women - only out of being used to the situation, not out of meanness, uses to tell me to be better or to stop doing whatever I was doing wrong. I could see how they might just "help" him to keep her if they believed lies he might make up. I can't take the chance and my daughter got it.

She got me throughout the whole conversation. I could tell by her eyes and the relaxation I felt in her spirit. She has a right to feel afraid when it comes to him being in my life. I do too, but I am not afraid because God is guiding me all the way and I let her know that with me following God's lead, we were going to be just fine. And we are.

God has healed me to be strong enough to stick up for me as well as for her. I praise Him. God has showed me how to be a better me. I praise Him. God has such a sense of humor! I praise Him. God is amazing and I am grateful for all He is doing and all He has planned to do.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we who never thought we'd be able to get to the light at the end of a tunnel, when we get there, God makes us laugh. Maybe that is just the joy of the Lord. I pray that God can make us all laugh, joy feels great.

What a blessed day. Hallelujah!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Trials, but I'm still standing

Well, what can I say. Tonight, as I was preparing to leave the house for worship rehearsal, Spike (the dog) was just standing in the front room and went to shift his weight and all of a sudden started screaming in pain. I went down to the floor and just gathered him to me and began to pray and cry. This is the dog that just the other day I believed God would heal and I came home to a dog around 90% there. Needless to say, as I held him, I cried and was praying out loud that I knew this was just another attack on my life. Dang, Satan's really putting the pressure on.

As I held Spike close and prayed over him, I couldn't help but tell God that I trusted Him for healing and that I knew He was on the job. At the same time though, do I, I hate to say this, but do I need to face a different reality? I will not let my dog suffer. I have already spent some funds on this, but as I have said before, the x-rays are $359 and that is before any treatment is done, which will most likely exceed my Financial Peace Emergency fund as I am only on Baby Step 1. So now, I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do. I will start with praying and seeking God's answer.

After worship rehearsal, I was going to pick up my daughter and my phone rang. I did not recognize the number so I said "Hello, this is Dianne" some guy said "hey and then again, hey" kind of like he was my friend or something. I did not know who it was so I said "who is this?" the voice on the other end then said "Oh my God!" I then knew who it was, it was my STBX. He then proceeded to ask for our daughter, LIKE HELLO - call her phone or did you forget your kid's number, but I said no, she wasn't with me, he said something and I said goodbye.

You know, why would he call my phone, call me, out of the blue and act like a friend. He is not my friend. I would not keep a friend that treated me like dirt or told me all the time what a piece of crap I was and treated everybody better than me. Maybe I was wrong because I lied to him. he asked me to have my daughter call him and I told him we didn't have the Mexico calling anymore on my phone - we do, it's ending on the 15th, but darn it. He threw me off guard. He should have called my daughter's phone. No, I just figure it was Satan controlling him once again to mess with me.

I should not have lied. I am so not perfect yet, I was truly caught off guard. I even told somebody, maybe if I would go sin purposefully in some small way Satan would give me a break. He assured me Satan would only strike me harder. I know that. But darnit, hearing that voice - after I recognized whose it was, was not cool. Especially when I know that what he did to us was not necessary. He should have taken care of us, not taken from us and run us into the ground like we were so much less than him.

Well, trials are here, but I'm not going anywhere. I am standing with all I that I am. I will continue serving God with my finances. I will raise my daughter in a home where God reigns. I will pray for my dog and put him to sleep if necessary to not let him suffer needlessly or out of my selfishness for not wanting to let him go. I will continue to praise the Lord. Funny, when I wrote that, my heart actually smiled through my tears. Yes, I will praise the Lord. Take that Satan!

Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord. Even in the midst of trials, let's praise our God who was and is and is to come.

Hallelujah!