Sunday, November 20, 2011

Don't Look Back

Hello Again! June 13, 2011 - that is the last date that I posted here. I needed a bit of time to just breathe as well as - can you believe this, I have no access to internet at home currently and actually, since June 25. However, that is about to change so be ready.

Really so much and so little to say all in the same time. One of the better things I'd like to share is that I'm not walking backwards anymore. Sometimes I make no progress, mainly for the sheer fact that I am paralyzed with fear and taking a moment to breathe, but I do NOT go backwards.

Well, I am at my mother's and taking a moment to wish you all Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back on a regular basis in the next month and just can't wait to share.

Today my prayer is that we all go forward on the things we need to and don't turn around when we shouldn't - as tempting as it is to run back to something we knew rather than go forward to what God has in store. I pray that we remember at those fearful times, to just stop, listen for His voice and take a moment to breathe to avoid backwards motion.

Hallelujah!

Monday, June 13, 2011

There are No Coincidences

I have been reading two books the last few weeks. One at home, the other on the bus to and from work. Home reading is "This Present Darkness" while bus reading is "The Invisible War". One causes the imagination to stir, while the other brings to light the reality of the things of the imagination and of this life.

This past weekend, I have felt the ravages of a hurt that I never saw coming, something involving my daughter. I prayed through it and still clung to my trust in God that this would work out for good. I won't lie though, it hurt. A Diannism will say "that hecka hurt." No doubt about it. I think I was in shock and for me to keep dealing, I had to lay low. Yes, I prayed and trusted, but I laid low and stayed in with myself talking to God when I felt like speaking, barely having any outside communication while I went through it. The horrible sunburn I had helped me to do that as well because even the sensation of heat on my red knees hurt.

I wonder now how I did in God's eyes. That was really a test of my faith. I am happy to say that I didn't smoke. I think I am making it in that aspect although there were two times when I was about ready to say "forget it all" and go to find a cigarette. However, I somewhat felt like giving up in other respects because I felt like everything I had been putting my energy into besides serving God didn't matter so why was I bothering?

Even in the midst of feeling this hopelessness, great hurt and despair, there was this nagging sense in me of the unseen wars we fight and the fact that if I kept praying through this, I would win for myself and for my daughter. You see, her father comes back this week and he wants to come back and "save us". Don't worry, I've told him he could do so by supporting her in a fair and equitable manner financially and that she and I had discussed us being a family again and both came to the conclusion that that just wasn't a good idea. However, what I'm getting at is I feel as if what happened this weekend was part of the battle coming. I feel with him coming back as if there is a darkness headed our way. One that I do think I am prepared to deal with. I just wasn't totally prepared to have an attack come upon and through my daughter this past weekend because I never expected anything like what happened.

All I know is that as I spoke to her today, I shared with her why I am such a "freak" when it comes to the way I live. You see, I guard myself and my heart with ferociousness. I know me. If I start slipping a little and "enjoying" my old time favorite of rock and roll, I see a change in my fight, in my walk, in me. The old me went with the world's way of thinking. The woman of Christ I try to be and work hard at staying does not go with the way of the world. You see, I'm trying to prove something. Living for the Lord is cool and is the right way to live. My daughter had a horrible lapse this weekend, one that was so out of character, I am certain that it was a pre-jab for the war headed our way. Hey, at least I know now what I might be expecting and I know now how to ready myself to fight and to win.

No, I doubt seriously that my reading these two books at the same time are coincidental. I believe that God brought these things my way to help me to see more clearly what's going on and as a way to prepare me. I believe that there is something different about me. I am so far from perfect and part of the reason that this weekend incident with my daughter went so far wrong was because of my imperfection, but I am different. I have a burden to serve the Lord and sometimes I feel that burden so strongly I have to ask myself why, but it's still there and I can't turn my back on it or try to deny it.

Today my prayer request is that we pray for one another. Simple as that. That we love each other enough to reach out, even when we are uncertain if doing so will be received just as a sister did to me yesterday. If she reads this, please know that what you did meant the world to me.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Still Standing

I am feeling bothered right now and I hope to be able to share with you why. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I know that people have helped me along the way, but I know too that God has been my strength. I am a good person and seek to serve God with all that I am and I work hard at letting Him be in charge of my life. I guard myself on all fronts. Who I hang out with, the music I listen to, the television I watch. I take wonderful care of my daughter and am always checking to be certain that her needs are met and that she is being led correctly.

We are far from a perfect family and I know that at times, I am outside of the box. Even in those times, whether I am fitting in the box or not, I am still standing for what God wants for me. I have my own set of difficulties though and my quirks as well. I am busy, you know, the ADD type. I know that. I have to force myself to focus and could possibly be helped with the taking of a little medication, but to get to that point, it takes a lot of effort - a lot of missed time at work, which, you know, who can afford when they are facing things such as layoffs etc, where good workmanship is not supposed to take the place of seniority, but there is still a hope that it might count for something when you don't have the seniority. So, anyways, I do the best I can.

Sometimes, though things hurt. It seems like others don't trust me or something. Are they basing their judgment on past behaviors? I am wondering why because there is nothing in me that indicates stupidity or poor judgment now. I am feeling a little bit of anger, but I am putting that aside because I know the things that are going on are due to love for me and possibly fear on the part of others. I can't live my life as to how others want me to, I need to do what God tells me to. I too have been guilty of being angry at someone for not living their life "how I thought they should". When I realized my behavior, I felt horribly.

My husband has discovered that he misses us, he wants to come home. As much as I have prayed for marriage restoration - possibly, if that's all I was asking for, that could come true. Too bad that's not all I was asking for. You see, my ultimate ask was for him to be restored to God where then, of course, if he was ready to be restored to our marriage things would be ok because God was leading both parties path. I see no indication of this being the case. I see someone who is in the early stages of understanding the fact that he left behind the best part of this earthly life, his earthly family. When he said that he wasn't happy there, I couldn't help but laugh, not a mean spirited laughter, but a humor that rose up in me. "Of course your not happy silly. You left the best part of you behind and did you really think that leaving to go live a life full of self-centerdness was a God blessed thing?"

I am a woman of Christ. As much as I wish that my husband would be the man of God that God created him to be to be the covering of our family, I know that is not the case, nor do I ever believe it was. I know that right now, God is my husband for a season and I am ok with that. I know that when my husband does return, he will be welcome to come to church services, to watch me sing on the worship team, to see me live an upstanding life, to come listen to some of my pastor's life changing sermons, to maybe go to a couples small group with me. Although there are things that he can do with my daughter and I, there are many more can nots than cans.

He won't be able to live with us as he has asked to do. He won't be going to the soccer games that my family and I support for my daughter to hopefully get scouted for a good college. He won't be able to spend the night, at least not with me. He won't be able to come back into our household as the "man of the house" - actually, he won't even be able to come to my place. He gave away that right for now, maybe forever, I really don't know at this moment. God has never told me to give up praying for him, but God has showed me what a strong, wonderful, capable woman I am and I am still standing. I will remain standing. My daughter and I have a nice life right now. Pretty normal in most respects and normal in it's abnormalities as well. I have a wonderful motley crew of friends who put up with me, even at my busiest, a wonderful family that I love seeing regularly and a wonderful peace in my home. I go home to my little place and I proclaim, almost daily how I love my world, my dog, my cat, my kid (not usually in that order, but each knows they are loved in my world.)

I may not know at this moment what my future holds in regards to my marriage, but I do know that whatever the fate of that marriage is rests in God's hands. That decision is unknown to me, as much as others and myself wish it were known by now. Every step I have taken, I have listened to the voice of God, even in my mistakes. I am certain that God will continue to speak to my heart and He will let me know when to let go if that is what He wants. For right now, I don't need to lean either way, I just need to keep going forward, not looking to the right or to the left, just looking to the one who has it all under control and seeking Him with all I am.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that each of us knows when somebody has it relatively under control because they are doing exactly as they should be in life and when we need to relax our hold on them a bit and pray that God continue to guide them. Not that we leave them out there alone, but that we encircle them with love and trust that whatever God tells them, not what we tell them, is what they should be doing.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Growing

I have to laugh at the title of my post. As I was thinking of what I should call this one, I was thinking about my life, my walk with God, my professional me and just me spiritually. I'm laughing because I have not only been growing there, but I have been growing physically. I think I must have hit that mid-life women's marker I've heard of all my life, but never thought I'd be in the midst of. I am bigger than I ever thought I'd be.

Which makes me think of something. Just as I am trying to reach new heights spiritually and touch new places that God wants me to see, I need to start a whole new plan for my physicality. So, no rest for the weary onward I shall strive to both those endeavors. Good thing I don't fall into despair easily because my physical self could easily cause me to feel badly right about now, but that's ok, maybe Satan was seeing my spiritual self was doing pretty good, heading in a good direction and he figured he'd try to get me physically. AAAHHHHHHHH, (that was a buzzer). Sorry Satan that's not going to work. I just need to gear up my physical attack against you the same as I have been with my spiritual attack. Give me a few weeks, I'm gonna be back on top again. In fact, I've already won the battle because I see what you are up to.

Anyways, growing. Back on the subject. I have been spending this bit of a silence from my blog remarking at how God is really such a certain, sure thing to live your life for. I have been remarking at how all of His promises are coming true in my life. Remarking at how it really isn't all that hard to stay in His will when you make a conscious choice to do so and stand in that decision no matter what. I won't lie and say that this is always easy, but it is so worth it.

I remember the song "It's gonna be worth it" and think of the times of this past year when I, instead of giving in to things that I'd at those times rather be doing, but chose instead to do God's will for me, fighting against my will. It turned out to be worth it.

I see things around me and how in the lives of others who are going the way of the world the things that I kind of predicted would happen based on the difference of living for Christ and giving this life to the Lord have come true. I am glad to be coming true in the way of living for the Lord. Although perfection so eludes me, I know that there is measurable growth and that I am becoming something God can use to make this world a better place just by letting others know who I live for and whose I am. Anyways. I vow to continue to keep growing, spiritually only.

Today, on this Mother's day, I won a little reward at church for having been "mom" to the most children. I was given the opportunity to remember those who I have played a role of that to, even if only for a short time. I remembered my foster children and it has rehashed a renewed spirit of praying for them. So, today I ask you to join me in prayer specifically for my foster children of whom I only know of one out of the six their whereabouts. I pray that God can touch them where they are and let them know that I have never forgotten them and show them, no matter where they are that their is hope in the Lord and that they are loved. I ask you to pray for my own son who is probably heading to prison and is lost. That somehow God send someone who can reach him where he is, some man of God who can touch my son's heart. I miss my son.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Great Opportunity

I think that some of the best lessons we get to teach others is when we are caught off guard and get the opportunity to let who and whose we are just shine through naturally. Yesterday I got such an opportunity with my daughter.

I had taken an exam for a position in Napa, one which I failed. Not being a quitter (and the fact that I had already applied to take the same exam here in Sacramento in my current Department) I took the same exam about 6 weeks ago. Both exams were in the form of an interview and I knew going into the second exam that I had just failed the Napa exam. Having heard the news that I failed the first exam within 4 days via mail. I was told in the second exam that it would be 4 - 6 weeks for news to come of how I did.

Yesterday - as I was taking my daughter to turn in her paperwork for her first ever job, she grabbed the mail and brought it into the car with us. I saw the envelope. Upon seeing the envelope, I immediately grabbed it and prayed telling God that I knew that whatever was in that envelope was His will and I was ok with whatever news it held. I opened the envelope and began crying and praising God upon reading the words "Congratulations, you have successfully...." I thanked Him greatly and explained to my daughter that this could make a huge difference in our life if I could get a job that I could now apply for with the passing of the test.

I was thinking as she was in taking care of her business for her job that my reaction to the news was probably in God's plan for her to see Christianity and trust in the Lord first hand. I wasn't kidding as I prayed over that unopened envelope, and the tears of gratitude were not made up by any means, even taking me somewhat by surprise. I saw her at one point look at me more nicely than her normal look. It was cool.

Anyways, I am thanking God again for her having had the opportunity to see a bit of the real me, something that is growing every day. My trust and my faith. No matter what, I know that He has something in store for me. A God who understands that right now, I am thanking Him for the opportunity to have a break from her as she is in Phoenix visiting my son for spring break. I laughed at myself last night as I was walking back to my car in the airport parking lot. I caught myself on about the third stanza of singing "I'm free." Yes, God is good as are breaks from your kids.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we remember how blessed we are, no matter what the contents of unopened envelopes hold. That we thank God when we see he is getting through to us and that He is starting to shine through us for others to see.

Hallelujah!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Goupon

Hey you guys - this is my new task, I am here to advertise Groupon to you. I'm cool with this assignment because I have actually used Groupon. Around Christmas time there was an offer for $30 worth of product at Leatherby's for $15.00. I purchased - I think two of the Groupon coupons and made a stocking stuffer out of it for my daughter. I combined the coupons with an Entertainment Book coupon for Leatherby's as well and don't you just know that my daughter took my mom there and they had such a nice lunch date. http://clickdiscount.com/go/click.php?tid=603380

I have seen offers for bowling, miniature golf, massages, etc - all for a really discounted price. The deal is is that because so many of us will buy the product they can offer these group prices, therefore the name - Groupon. I truly recommend keeping your eye out for these daily deals. I have it hooked up where I receive and email every day that tells me what the offer of the day is. That is where you need to act quickly - they truly are offers of the day and go away in a day.
http://clickdiscount.com/go/click.php?tid=603380

Take a peek, it's easy, all you have to do is click on the picture where it says click here. They will only send you one advertisement a day and they are worth it. I have gone in with a friend and purchased a dim sum Groupon coupon and have wanted to do the same for many other deals. Check it out - heck, all you girlfriends of mine, if you see a neat deal that you and I might enjoy together, call me!
http://clickdiscount.com/go/click.php?tid=603380

God is great!

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

HAPPY BLOG BIRTHDAY - 1 YEAR TODAY

Happy Birthday to this blog, Happy Birthday to this blog....

My goodness, how time flies and how great is our God!!! I think back to where I was one year ago today and I am so grateful to God for how He has turned me around. I started writing this blog to help others who might be going through similar situations as I was. My hope was to help just one person, at least one person. I asked this from God. Little did I know that the person I was helping was ME!!!

I am so grateful to be who I am and who I am still becoming. In this past year, so much has changed, the best part of the change that has occurred is that I know for certain where I want my life headed and the best way that I should be living it. In this past year, I have (many times through trial and error) begun to find my way.

I thank God first, I thank those of you who helped me through (don't leave me now as I am so far from done) and I thank myself for hanging in there, even when I didn't think I could. I look forward to what the next year brings - hopefully you will be right there with me.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that God still continues to shine his light of literacy on me as well as that the areas I see him growing in me will begin to branch out and really make a difference in the lives of others. I think I know where he is leading me and I want to be ready and able to follow His desire for my life.

Blessings to all of you.

Hallelujah!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Something Good Is Happening

I have decided something that I am going to tell very few people about, but I already feel the blessing of God in my decision. I know what I have decided is God's will in my life and that I am finally getting it and I am finally in a place that I can do what He wants me to. I know it isn't going to be easy to stay. I know that times will come when I will want to waiver and possibly even fall short of what I am supposed to do, but I am ready. Something good is going to happen I just know it, it already is. I am going to get better and stronger in my walk with God and my daughter is going to be so blessed because of my decision. Hee hee, I love that girl. I got a gift card to Berean for my "Celebration of Life" and went yesterday and came home with "The Power of a Praying Parent". I raced in the door and said to my girl - you are the luckiest kid in the world. I already pray for you in all you are, but now I am going to learn new ways to do the job even better! Do you know the power of a teenage blank stare. HA HA - didn't phase me. I was still excited and will remain so and am on chapter two. Anyways, something good is happening in my life - right in the midst of the nothing that is already going on. I don't really know what it is yet, but I am more focused on the fact that Jesus is coming and I am doing all I can to be ready for that day. Today join me in prayer that we - if we know what we are knowing, stand up and do what we believe in. That we thank God for speaking to hearts. Hallelujah!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Self Amusement and Lightening the Load

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Sometimes I am such a whack that I can't help but laugh at myself because I am truly hilarious at times - even if I am only cracking myself up. At these times, I so thank God for letting the burden and load of this world disappear into the simple craziness of me. I hope I can get this written without my daughter getting angry at me because I know I am going to laugh out loud a good way through this writing. This past weekend I noticed at my daughter's soccer game that she - although she has a perfect little figure, looked like a little bull all stocky in the legs out on the field - you know, the kind of solid in the thighs that stood out. She looked tough and strong. Last night at my Zumba class I noticed that I wasn't moving as agile or as quickly as I normally do. This morning as I was getting dressed I realized I've gotten thick. Not a fat that I'm talking about. I'm talking dense (yes I'm laughing as I write this) and solid. It feels weird. Then it hit me... I got a Magic Bullet blender and since I have been working out alot and my daughter has been playing for her competitive league and school league, I went and got lots of fruits and this protein mix and we have been so good "drinking" all these fruits in these great protein smoothies that I've been making for us daily for the past 3 week. Hee heee... Well, I ran and looked at the container and discovered that yes it provides all these great vitamins and proteins but it helps build mass. OH MY GOSH!!!! I had us on the way to becoming Mother and daughter Hulk Hogans!! Here goes more of the funny part. I told her what I had done to us and she said "That's why I've become Thunder Thighs!" I couldn't help but laugh til my stomach hurt - all the while listening to her try to be mad at me but seeing her face and her realization that this really was kind of a funny situation and hey, she wasn't suffering alone, I am a solid rock myself. Which all got me to thinking of how great our real solid rock, Jesus Christ is. You know, how great is our God! Just like, although I made it so that we now need to put out a little effort to de-bulk, our bulking up was not something we can't redeem ourselves of. We mess up and God will restore us to Him. How great is it that we can mess up here and there, whether knowingly, or, as MOST definitely in my case, unknowingly we can get back to where we need to be. So, forgive me if I put aside the protein for now, I need to be able to lift my feet off the ground, but none the less, I will never put aside my God. I am so happy that even at the depth of my meltdown the other day, when I reflect back, I not even for a second thought of doing that. Today, please join with me in praising God for the people who step up and are the hands and feet of God and who jump in when they are needed to help those who need a little Jesus now. Join with me in praising God for stomach hurting laughter and for times with others that laugh with us, even when they try not to. Join with me praising God that nothing is ever really without hope or beyond repair. God is so great. As for my "thick" situation. I spent all my breaks today going for lengthy walks, got off the bus WAY before I had to to walk home. Hmmm, took me three weeks to get thick, hopefully I can get rid of it in the same amount of time. I'm at least going to try and I am certain that the calories I expend laughing at myself will help along the way. Hallelujah!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Weight of My Sin

I had an out and out meltdown today. Not a stitch of a joke here. Started when I went to rehearse for today's songset for the worship team and I just wasn't getting it right, pitchy, forgetting my tune, whatever, I wasn't able to get it right. I felt like something was pressing down on me. However, I found my accountablity partners and we prayed prior to service and all I know is I'm sure I still wasn't that great, but the Holy Spirit was there in that church as we all worshiped God together. I still remember one moment looking around in the sanctuary at the people worshiping God and telling God how much I loved each and every person there and meaning it. I went to go sit down for the service after worship and as the pastor began the sermon, Satan started "having a party in my head". It was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I think it felt like what I have heard anxiety attacks described to be. He was saying things like "go get your daughter, tell the worship leader you are done and leave this church." Things that were coming out of nowhere because I never feel or think those things - EVER!! Being as I began to feel like I was going to scream, I got up and left the sanctuary, not to leave, but to find a sister to pray with me. It was weird, there was no one in the foyer, no one in the kitchen, but in the worship room was the worship leader and a sister from the worship team. I proceeded to melt. The worship leader went and got the other sisters of the team and they held me up while I bared my soul and loved me through my meltdown. No, Satan did not have his way with me completely. Thankfully I am in the midst of a great covering of people in my church who helped me breathe and get through it. Things have been hard lately, but not so hard that I had any intention on giving up or giving in, but I won't deny that I have felt just a bit of the pressure. However, although I was growing in leaps and bounds in other areas, there was one area that I didn't have completely covered and - of course, I am certain that Satan saw my weakness and dug right in, or at least he tried. Part of my pressure has been the sin of that weakness, I know that to be true because I have seen it, but was trying to brush it away. It felt good to admit my weakness and my sadness about another area of my life and be shown and told that one, there is a way out and two, to remember to give things to the Lord and not try to do so much at one time. I am taking these things to heart. I have seen me change lately and I like what I see. I have been letting God lead me in a specific way that could cause me to lead others. This weakness of mine glared in light of where God is leading. I have now been lightened by confessing this weakness and have been shown how to "make things right". Now I'm free to let God use me in this area that I think He is planning to use me. I think I'm one step closer to ready to leading by example and I want to. It's funny how when you think you have let go of everything, something comes along and shows you how wrong you are. I'll say no more on the fact that I think I've let go of everything holding me back because who knows what tomorrow will bring. The one thing I know is that the weight of my sin gave Satan a little bit of a hold in an area that he does not belong to be in. The weight of my sin was holding me back, caused me to nearly freak out at a moment that I didn't expect it and in a way I would have never though possible from myself. I do know that at least in this moment of time, I am free from that weight. Psalm 40:12, For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. I don't want my heart to fail over this issue any longer. Thank you my worship family and my God for providing me with such a loving church and a self that knows that I want to follow you and that I want to see. Today I ask you to join me in prayer that others don't have to have a panic attack or nearly freak out from the weight of their sin. That God allow them to get out from under that weight without something like that having to happen, but that God discern if that is what they need, then let them go through that. I know it worked for me. I got it. Hallelujah! (PS -SORRY FOR THE RUN ON PARAGRAPHS - THE BLOG WOULDN'T LET ME EDIT IT TONIGHT AND THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW I TYPED IT)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Digging Deeper

I wrote a blog - you can reread it if you like, called Nothing is Perfect and Baby Gates. It spoke of how Spike, my dog, needed to be restricted from my daughter's room with a baby gate because of the fact that he wanted to pee on her pants on the floor. Well, a baby gate solved that problem for some time. However, I have (much to my dismay) discovered that Spike has discovered a new peeing spot in a place just as unacceptable in her room, the front room, one small area. Well, NOT COOL!!!! This is a dog who has free access via a dog door to the patio with the golf course grass and potted plants to pee in. I cleaned the area with some home remedy designed to take out the pee smell and then he peed on the concoction. Spike is so very grounded. No more free house access at all. He sleeps in a crate and now the door is shut at night. He is outside on the patio during the day and when we are away from home.

This got me to thinking about me. Sometimes it seems as if I create a new boundary for myself but find that that just isn't enough. I need to go even a step further. I think this is true of the human race because I notice it in certain circumstances with my daughter. I also have been noting this in my Christian walk. I can not get lax in my walk with God and there are times, that I see that I need to step it up just a bit as well.

Some of you have noticed that I have been quiet for a while. I have been thinking about things. My Whatever called me on my birthday and it kind of confused me just a little. Even amidst the confusion though I was praising God for wisdom and a new ability to see things more clearly. He left in August to go find himself in Mexico, came back in December for whatever reason, acted during the probably 3 times we dealt with each other like he hated me and left again about a month and half ago to go live in Mexico.

Well, in the conversation on my birthday he told me Happy Birthday and then after I thanked him he said that he was standing in "our" house (when I asked him to buy me out of our house when he was here he said it wasn't my house anymore) and was lonely because it was so empty. He said he wasn't happy there. I said how could you be, you left the best part of you behind, me and our daughter. He asked if I would want to go live there. I said that all I ever wanted was for him to love me and treat me as a good husband should. I then laughed and said you don't love me and you know that. He then said that he wasn't sure if he missed me or if he missed our daughter. He then asked if we were doing okThat was the conversation.

This is what my brain heard. "Hey, why don't you come here and let me see if maybe you guys will make me happy and if not, let me dispose of you again". I was so grateful to God. What a glorious God that let me see what this man really needs. He needs God. I told him that. I said that he would not ever find that happiness until he found God. I just wish that he would see this. I was so able to see that he has not changed. He is still lost and I am seeing first hand as a healing person what it looks like to see an active runner finding that wherever they go, they will be there and that they will still be as lost as they were in the place they ran from. He needs to dig deeper than surface running. He needs to get on his knees and turn his eyes upon Jesus.

Talking to him sombered me a bit and caused me feel a little confused about having given up on my stand for God to restore my marriage. I am somewhat at a loss for words to describe how I have felt about this except to come up with the word sombered. Somewhat numbed, sad and confused. However, I have come to the realization that all I can do is pray for him that he find his way while continuing on the path set before me. To raise my daughter and to give my entire life to God not questioning why, just trusting Him that if I do my best, He will take up the slack. Therefore, I am digging deeper.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we don't get confused in what it is God wants for us. That we continue to trust Him and know that He will iron things out in His time and in His way. That we dig deeper in those confusing times. Join me in prayer for those runners that we know that they will find God and have to run no more. That maybe just maybe, even my Whatever will end up on his knees someday.

Hallelujah!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Taking Charge of Me - Resting in His Peace

The weirdest thing has happened to me. I am resting in God's peace. I am coming full circle to understanding His ways. I am letting Him be full in me.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful "Celebration of Life" birthday party. I have had people apologize for not having been there and for all of those people it's ok. Those that were there are the exact people I would have hand-selected had I been doing that. My mother said today that she was still on a high at how wonderful the crowd was and remarked at how much she saw that they loved me. Guess what, each and every person there was so special to me and I love each and every one of them in return. I had to smile as the DJ said to me "I like your people". I like them too.

There is a very real possibility that I am facing a layoff in the near future. I am not afraid. Instead, I just feel this real hope to encourage others to not be afraid as well. There are 124 positions that will be gone where I work now, although mine is not "earmarked" for cutting, seniority of others can very likely "bump" me. I'm not worried about me, I'm only hoping to show others that they don't have to be afraid either. I have shared about the birds - how they don't worry about what they are going to eat tomorrow, and how if God loves the birds how much more He loves us. I am not sharing something I don't believe, I am sharing what I know to be true. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Armed with Financial Peace University techniques and the promises of God, all I can do is pray for others and trust that I can help convey to them to trust as well.

I am finally getting how to be a wonderful mother. I have learned how to set wonderful limits and am gaining a trust and a respect from my daughter in doing so. Gosh, it has only taken me raising three boys and now my daughter to finally get it. I am putting into practice to pray for and love those that have hurt me while putting into practice that I don't have to put myself out there to be hurt by those again. Example... I was truly wronged last week by someone and the thing that broke my heart was looking at the situation through their eyes and understanding where they were coming from based on their past experiences. I knew why they were behaving as they were and I prayed for them and meant it. I won't lie and say I didn't get angered at first, but I am still kind of amazed at how even during my anger I was praying for them.

My pastor said a few words at my party this weekend and I was amazed to see that the story he told was about dead on for what I wanted to share. What I wanted to share was how we need to stand up and choose to be better and work on healing ourselves in the areas we need to do so. We must self assess and be real with ourselves. I am not blind. I see my weaknesses, but it's time that I also allow myself to see my goodness. I have not been passive in my healing. The best words ever told to me were from my friend (PZ) who told me that God was telling her to tell me something - no more whining. I quit whining and decided right then and there I wanted to get well. I don't want to live my life hurting over what was lost, hurting over the troubles in life. I want to live my life in the fullness of His joy.

I found it interesting that today's sermon (Changing Your World) was about letting peace rule in your life as that is something that God has been revealing to me this past few weeks. Letting peace rule involves choosing to not get agitated by the circumstances of this life. It involves not trying to keep up with the Joneses, but to be happy with what and who you are. I love my life. Along with this revelation, I have been praying for everything and everyone. I want to share with others that these are not my ways that are working in my life. These are the ways of God. I love our Lord with all that I am and I know that He is going to provide me and my girl with what we need. It may at times seem like we don't care if we don't get bothered by things, but I feel as if I do care even more than if I outwardly show signs of being upset because at those times, I am praying harder than I ever have before.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we lift up those around us in prayer, that we don't let ourselves get agitated by the circumstances of this world but we trust that all will work out. Please pray specifically for the people of my workplace that are going to be laid off that maybe, just maybe I can show even a handful of them to not worry and to rest in the fact that, yes, things might be difficult for a moment, but that we can take charge and rest in His peace.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Art of Giving

You know, as christians, we, by the mere fact that we are striving to be more like God, are designed to give gifts. Gifts that come from the heart. I have found a neat place that has gifts for coffee lovers. http://www.shopwiki.com/wiki/Gifts-for-Coffee-Lovers My favorite items are the jumbo coffee mugs, I mean how nice it is in the morning to sit down with a big mug of coffee and just look out a window and relax.

Another place to look for neat coffee gifts is http://www.shopwiki.com/wiki/Coffee-Specialty-Blends Gosh, to wake up to that great fresh brewed smell is the bomb. I love the commercials with the women in the oversized white puffy robes and oversized mugs as I always know how good I feel when I am doing exactly as they are.

http://www.shopwiki.com/Art-of-Coffee really has everything you need to be a good giver to a lover of nice coffees and supplies. A gift given from the heart should always be well received.

Today, join me in prayer that we all strive to be more like God and be giving in our nature, just as He was in His.

Hallelujah!

Nursing Scrubs

You know, all my life I have wished that I could have worn uniforms. Uniforms to work, uniforms to school - uniforms for each day of the week. I have recently run across this cool website for such a thing I mean these are cheap scrubs! http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/

I mean really now - how comfortable would it be to bend over at the copy machine to pick up a ream of paper in these scrub pants. http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/Scrubs-for-women/Original-Scrubs/Scrub-Bottoms/

I think life would be much softer and nicer if we were all comfortable in our own clothes - even if they are just scrub clothing http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/

I seriously think that God would see us just the same if we all wore scrubs. Now, why don't we all do the same as God?

Anyways, today, I ask you to join me in prayer that we love each other - no matter what we are wearing.

Hallelujah!

Monday, February 28, 2011

I Chose

I am so excited! My Goodness, I have done something good. Enjoy this moment because you will rarely hear me say it. I am praising God for His growth in me to reach my dream of being a better mother.

My daughter is going to be 16. She of course has visions of a job of some sort while I would prefer that she not work during the school year. Voila!!! Lifeguarding. My son, the 25 year old living in Arizona Financial Advisor, had been a lifeguard at 16 and credits a lot of his work ethic, etc to having had that opportunity. I presented this to my daughter about 1 1/2 months ago and she said yes so I signed her up for the course. Oops, and here comes soccer ref training, we got two days notice for this class which she has wanted to take for over a year. Both classes are each two weeks long and this week those classes overlap one another.

I knew that I would need to take a little extra time to prepare for this week to support her as I understand that she is still a kid sort of and has never had many "had-to's" in life. I understood that this might be a hard week. Well, we were readied and prepared and my mom, Praise God for her, had my back in every meaning of the statement. We were set to go.

However, we didn't factor in the weekend of not enough sleep for my daughter, or the fact that the school's soccer pre-season games just happen to be going on this week as well. Hello meltdown on my girl's part. Don't you just know that she never wanted to be a lifeguard or do any of this training that she has to go through? Don't you know that this is all for me? Oh, but yes, it's all my fault that she is missing the games, etc.

I chose to understand. I chose to remain calm and am praying that no matter what this week brings, I will stay strong, steadfast, steady and calm through any of the storm that she is trying to toss about. I have prayed on this. I have "huddled" with my mother to make certain that we are on the same page. I do understand. This is a test of endurance, but praise God my daughter is so blessed to have two people who are standing right behind her holding her up. I know that these tests of her endurance are so going to pay off for her in the next year of her life and who knows, possibly the rest of her life as in my son's case. All I know is that I made a choice to understand and that she is going to be better off because of of the fact that we stayed. I love that girl.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we hesitate to find ourselves in the midst of anger. That we try to choose to look at the other side of things. That we understand where others are coming from and let the light of Jesus shine through us.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

No Slow Fade Here

You know, my Pastor spoke on something, I believe in October and looking back at it makes me mad. Not at him, but at the truthfulness of what he said. He was speaking about human nature and how we humans are great starters of things, but we don't always finish what we began. Dang - I was hoping to prove a point and not let that apply to me however, it didn't work as I guess I am only human after all as much as I wish it weren't true.

You see, I have not stayed on course in a few areas. I love the Casting Crowns song how they speak of the slow fade, how black and white fade to grey. I have seen myself, through my lack of perseverance, falling into grey zones. Don't worry, I'm not talking big stuff, I am talking just not keeping my thumb on myself to stay as constant and strong as I am supposed to. However, that buck stops here.

Today's sermon, although titled "Finances of the King" was about so much more than how we steward our monies, it was about how we steward our lives. A highlight of the service comes down to the fact that we are here to show and tell others who God is and what it means to have a realtionship with him. Gosh, that has been the core of my existence now for the last year and a half, but for some reason, I have almost been feeling as if I weren't shining as brightly as normal and I don't really know why except for the fact that I have let myself get lax. I quit climbing the stairs at work and I think that was the beginning of my grey zone.

I think that the fact that money has been so tight, I might have just kind of let myself feel badly that I can't give financially like I used to. I think that the way I have felt about this fact has let me fall into grey zones spiritually. However, pastor said today how God doesn't demand that we give, he simply gives us opportunities to give. After all, when we give, it brings us closer to God's nature for He gave the ultimate gift for us, His son. I thought about this and I realized that I need to check my patience. God knows that I can't give the finances that I would give if I had them, but I am the one who believes He will restore all that Satan has taken from me. However, for now, God gives me plenty of opportunities to give by shining the light of Him and I don't waste any of them.

I shine as best as I can on the job by using the gift of a great professional career to be the multi-faceted and capable person that is needed by many to complete various tasks with a good spirit. I shine as a mother always placing great emphasis on leading by example, getting my girl to church and instructing her on the ways of the Lord. I shine as a family member - at church and at home, always showing the love of Jesus and not even faking it, I really have that one down.

I need to remember that the me who has believed that I am on the right path is still there, I have just not stayed as upright as I should and I don't want to go into grey, I want black and white to be my world, a tunnel vision of sorts. Anyways, I vow to never stop believing that God's not finished with me yet and I vow to not give in and quit fighting the good fight. After all, I am a chosen one and have been commissioned to do great things.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we stay strong, that we don't let our black and white fade to grey. That we keep the shine in our life and the we remember who we are in Christ. That we fight to keep our wills in check and stop ourselves from fading away.

Hallelujah!

Friday, February 25, 2011

I think I made it!

Well, my whatever left yesterday to go live in Mexico. Of course, he stated that he wanted to take our daughter with him, but of course, I am not giving her up. I can't help but state that I am kind of thrilled at this moment to not be wealthy because if I were, I would probably renew her passport which expires next month, but being as I can't afford it, God has worked it all out that her passport will expire and will not be renewed. Therefore, if he wants her to visit there, he will not only have to pay for her ticket there and back, but for the renewal of her passport. There, that said I have to share how I think I've made it.

Of course, this most recent of departures of him caused me to watch her for signs of hurt, anxiety, whatever, however, it caused me to watch myself for the same. I was pleased to see I was ok. The most exciting part is that today I saw a picture of him and my daughter taken at his going away party last weekend. Now mind you, for whatever reason, I kind of like them ugly. You know, Billy Bob Thorton, Gary Busey, Mick Jagger, you get the picture. Well, my husband was, to me, beautiful in his ugliness. However, this picture of my whatever appeared to me to be an ugly man. I mean something I would never be attracted to. PRAISE GOD!!!! No hurt, no man I love that man, no I miss that person. I only saw EEEWWWW. I, to be honest with you, found myself looking at that picture and not even caring about that person.

I think I made it to the point I needed to get to with only a little bit left to go as I still have a little hurt over how badly he duped me and took me for all I had materially. However, I hope I haven't gone too far. I hope God will reign me in and allow for me to find a way to care enough about him to pray for him as looking at that person in the picture, I had no desire to even do that anymore. I'm certain that God will iron this out as I believe his promise of Philippians 1:6 "He that begin a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". I know that He will allow for me to eventually care a little about the ugly to me person in that picture in a way that won't hurt me, after all, I matter too.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we can each acknowledge when we take a step in whatever healing process we are on. I also - totally different subject - ask you to join me in prayer for my Celebration of Life Party that God just so be there. I have invited almost everybody and am inviting God daily to be there as well. Today I secured a DJ and he seems to be in line with what my plan and dream is for the day so I ask that God will just bless this event. I am really excited to share these moments with all those that attend.

Hallelujah!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Telling it Like it Is

I have never felt that it was fair of so many - mainly women, who, when there is a separation or divorce, to take so much from the father in child support or alimony that the man can barely support himself much less buy the child a gift now and then on their visits with him. To me, that was just another horrible misfortune of divorce. I am all for fairness. I sat down a few weeks ago and did an honest assessment of what it takes to raise my daughter in the manner which she deserves to be cared for as far as finances go, and mind you, I completely forgot the cost of housing for her.

Being as the child support we receive was sporadic at best, I presented half of this amount to her father as an amount he should consider giving. He came to give us $40 because I couldn't even buy milk at the end of the month. Granted, I - because I just felt so comfortable in my trust of God really wasn't stressing about it, I was somewhat distressed at the minimal amount he was tossing our way, oh and don't forget the accusations of where the money I earn from my job is going. Anyways, when presented with this amount, which is an extremely, bare minimum amount, he balked and had his standard jumping around ugly and angry fit. Now mind you, this is someone who eats out at Red Lobster for lunch and Black Angus for dinner no less than 8 times a week and has the financial freedom to come and go from here to Mexico as he desires. This is someone who has a marijuana habit that runs in the range of $140 a week easy with all the joys of the varieties of things to buy and the medical marijuana places after he received a license to purchase them because his knee hurt.

You see, we owned a business together that is still thriving. However, he, in anticipation of the moves he planned on making "gave" the business to his son. He works when he's here, but his son sends support money to him each month, more than I even make in a mnoth, where he is living in Mexico in the house that my money built and paid for and that contains all of the items from our 5 bedroom home here that my daughter and I had to leave behind when we - let's just say, escaped from there. He's pretty set.

Anyways, when I presented him with the more than fair child support amount which he balked at, he told me a bare minimal amount that he was going to give and that he would give that on the first of each month. The first came and went and I text and said what's up. He called back and left a message that he was going to give his support on the 15th of each month. I again text him back (I see no need to talk to someone unreasonable) saying fine, but please mail me a check because our daughter does not need to be in the middle of adult matters. Well, yesterday came and not only did he give our daughter cash to deal with, the amount was just a little over half of the amount he owed.

In light of the fact that he's going back to Mexico next week, I had dropped my daughter off at a Panda Express to eat with him and I caught a quick glance of them together, and this was before I even knew of his latest slight as far as supporting her. I felt sorry for him. She is so wonderful, such an interesting young woman and they were so close. He is missing out on so very much, not only of having her in his life, but of sharing a life with both she and I. He may have all of our "stuff" but I've really gotten the better end of the deal. I have her and we are free from living in fear of him.

I met up with my daughter at my mom's and she put the money in my wallet, I still didn't know the amount. When my mom and I went to the grocery store, I counted and called my daughter and asked her if the amount was right, assuring me it was, I hung up and couldn't help but say AHHHHHHHHH a few times. I mean really, this makes it hard to take care of her like every kid deserves to be cared for. His lack of support just makes it hard. I can do it and I trust that God will be certain that I can, but it is just so wrong of any parent to do this to their child when they can afford to make a few sacrifices to not leave their child having to do without so much. Anyways, after I sent out a few frustrated AHHHHs, I really couldn't help myself to feel even more sorry for him and to pray for him even more.

How badly he must feel about himself - especially in light of my reaction to him. I text him and said for God to be with him because what he was doing to her was unfair and wrong. I told him I would pray for him. And I will. And I have and I will continue to do so. It really isn't about money even, it's about love. I mean, I would give up everything if it was something she needed, something to help her along the path of being all she can be. Even when I had money, I never spoiled my kids, it was always about giving them what they needed.

I just this very minute got a call from him saying if I couldn't support our daughter why didn't I let her go and live with him and he wouldn't want any support from me as he could afford to support her better than I can. Really now, if he can do all of that, why doesn't he do it now. He wished me a great life saying that he's leaving next week. I told him to go with God.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the children caught in the mess of divorce. I ask you to join me in prayer - again - that marriages in trouble turn to God before they turn to divorce. God hates divorce and so do I. This was never the desire of my heart and I know it was not God's first choice.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm Changing

It is really strange having been forced into a different life than I would have ever planned for myself. It's kind of like I am seeing myself from the outside at times. While I am watching me, I am learning someone new. I have really changed. I see my boundaries rising up and I see me learning to give myself the freedom to not let people cross them. God does answer prayers. For about a year and a half, I have prayed to be a stronger woman. I am becoming that woman, praise the Lord.

Sunday was an Experiencing the Spirit Service at church and I told of how lately I have been "crunching" (having a difficult time) and how even through this crunch, I have this overwhelming sense of trust in the Lord. It's kind of like no matter what life has been giving me, I know that there is something more. That does not go to say that I don't wish that more were now.

After having thoughts of letting my guard down in some areas and joining the world in their viewpoints, I have learned that I want to live within the parameters of God's will. God knew I was going to see that this is what I want even before I did and I saw him make adjustments around me to make this happen to help me see it sooner rather than later.

Do you remember Sesame Street's "One of these things just doesn't belong here" song and game? I feel that way sometimes. I don't always feel "normal" and I don't always feel that I belong in that I know that I have to keep strong in my walk with the Lord. I wake up to Christian music. I watch Changing Your World M-F and shout hallelujah each morning getting excited by the empowering of the word of God as I am putting on my face for the day. I love all things of Christ. I know that for me, I have to keep myself in all things of Christ because if I don't, I fall outside of His parameters for me. I must stay vigilant.

I have seen in this past few months a strength rising up in me that is not of me. I give full credit to God in me although I do give myself a little credit for seeking to find the things Christ has for me. I am not lazy in this endeavor. I live by doing all things as if I am doing them for the Lord as well as my new motto of not walking by how I feel. This strength has carried me through some crap. Crap that at times causes me to throw my hands up and say AHHHHHHHHH. Crap that at times causes me to take a moment and breathe through. Crap that always causes me to turn straight to the Lord.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all embrace the changes we are seeking in Christ. That we let him mold us by filling ourselves up with the things of Him. That we strive to know Him more and trust that what He changes us into is exactly who and what He wants us to be. That we don't give up because after all, change is good - especially if we are letting him have all the glory.

Hallelujah!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Peace In A Storm

Today has not been my best day. Although far from one of my worst, definitely not one of my best. Today was my 15th wedding anniversary and no a miracle of him calling me and wishing me even a hello and I wish things had been different came through. You know what though, I don't even think I want that anymore. However, I have been feeling a bit of pressure and strain lately and whereas the old Dianne was a runner and would leave many situations on a whim, the new me is forcing myself to stay put, not go by how I feel and hang in there. Hmmm, I did, however, come across a christian commune in Canada that sounds interesting. Hee hee, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, but they do take visitors for up to 6 months at a time and the union sheet talking about unpaid leaves of absence came across my desk today. Coincidence?

Anyways, today my son, who has chosen to not live the life that I so wanted for him and tried to show him how to live was taken away to jail after a very interesting late afternoon I spent with some police officers yesterday. To find out the things I have had to find out about him are disconcerting at the minimal. However, as the hurt of his choice and the thought of what that choice will cost my family was beginning to come over me, something greater came over me. I began to praise God. Hey, aren't we supposed to do that in the storms? Well, I did. You know, God is so darn great and He is good. I just know that something good will come of this.

I have this new motto inside of me. It goes something like, I will not walk by how I feel. I will walk by faith. Even though I don't walk by how I feel, I do at times, not feel the best but at those times, I am really learning to give things over to God. How can I not when I have walked through some really rough times and come out as I have, though not unscathed, still a person that can love others as much as I do. I am truly blessed. I have a friend that tells me frequently how one of the things they love about me is that I have been through those times and I am still a nice and good person. It's not me, it's Christ in me. God is greater than any trials we face and as long as we don't give up on Him, there is nothing that can bring us down.

So today, I ask you to join me in prayer - again for the marriages in our lives, but specifically for my son as well. That God will place a man in his life that can bring my son to his knees. I told an officer yesterday that my son's father really wasn't a good man, but there is a father that my son could turn to that could truly make a difference in His life. I know, because he's made a difference in mine. There is always hope in the Lord.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow is my 15th Wedding Anniversary. I think the hardest part of my marriage being lost is the factor of time. Like dang, tomorrow he and I should have had a big plan because tomorrow should have been a celebration of hanging in there, for better or for worse. The fact that 15 years of marriage to this person is drawing to a close means that the probabilities of me reaching a 25 year mark of marriage are totally dwindling. How amazing it is that people get to celebrate such things. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to wear matching jackets rooting for a favorite team, or t-shirts that said "I'm his" and "I'm hers", whatever, I wanted to be celebrating tomorrow. As Francesca Battistelli's new song says, "Love's not easy, but it's worth it." Heck, our family was worth it.

The other day I saw that my Whatever's selling his car and for just a moment, I crunched. My take on it was, great - another nail in the already pretty nailed shut coffin of our marriage. I have a dear friend who I have assigned the duty of, when I'm crunching, it is his duty to remind me of how blessed I am and how much better off not only me, but my daughter are now. He doesn't even have to talk too much anymore, I know. However, sometimes I just crunch and need a reminder.

I'm not crunching right now. I was remarking the other day, without reminders from anyone, how wonderful things are, it's really all just perspective. I met a new friend and when we were done talking I realized that they are "the cup's almost empty type" person whereas I am certainly the opposite. I think that they must have remarked on the difference between us later as I got a text that thanked me for being a shining light. What a cool text. What a cool truth.

God is certainly good and I am so excited for my party (March 5) as I am certain that God is going to be in the mix as he has filled me with so much love. Although tomorrow, my choice would still be to dedicate another 15 years of marriage to my husband and have my heart overflow with love for him as I am certain it would if he had chosen a different path. I am not without the ability to love. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to burst with all the love I feel for those around me. People are great, all of them and all of them are love worthy, you just have to find it.

So, Happy Anniversary to me. As I woke up the other morning thinking of tomorrow, God just about brought me to my knees praying for Whatever. Praying that he find his way. Praying that maybe someday he sees all that he had and never hurts anybody in the manner he seems to have made a pattern of doing again. Not praying for God to bring him back to me, but just praying that all the hurting stop. I have found that he was always full of anger, hatred and foulness when dealing with me. I asked him what his problem was as I have left him completely alone, only calling him when necessary for our daughter's sake and doing that rarely. I told him that all I am doing in regards to him is raising our child. He doesn't talk to me like that anymore.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer simply that marriages of those in our worlds stay strong. That they all meet and surpass the 15 year mark. After all, God, at the end of the day, still hates divorce.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

His Glory Does Come

When my life fell apart (and kept falling) I remember how badly it hurt and I remember praising God through it just like the song says "I will Praise you in the storm". Although I was sure by then He would have reached down and wiped my tears away, it took a while for that point to come to me. I remember times crying and praising Him and thanking Him for the hardship because I knew that someday He would turn those moments around for His glory. I think His glory is starting to come.

God is starting to use me in the exact places that I used to be to help others heal in their places. Today I helped a friend who is going through a break up and through that I was able to see how God is healing me. She spoke of how everywhere she sees couples and love and I remember how that hurt when I was new in the process. Guess what, I don't see just couples and love among those couples anymore. I see a whole world full of love and I'm part of it. Guess what else, when I discovered this, I stopped everything and took a moment to praise God for healing me.

I think that one of the things that has helped me to continue in this process of healing is that I decided to get out of the insanity of my life and listened to the people in my church and I let myself go through the process of grieving my losses and letting go of what I wanted and giving it all to God. That process doesn't feel good all those darn stages of grief, anger, hurt, despair, but it is unfortunately true that we need to go through them to get to the other side or else we could find ourselves stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I am so grateful to the people in my church that got me through those times. I will never forget how after one particularly yucky incident a sister prayed with me and I swear I felt her hold me through that phone. Dang, she really made a difference in my life in that moment.

I want to make a difference. Funny, after helping my friend today, God just kept bringing other opportunities to shine for him and people noticed. I even found myself fellowshiping with a woman I had never met before on the elevator. It was awesome. Today, for the very first time, I praised God for the hardships He guided me through because today I knew that He really does turn those things around for His glory if we just hang in there and trust Him through those times.

I had to see my Whatever Friday night and although the love is not totally gone, I was pleased to see how much I had changed and saddened to see how stuck he was in the same stage as when I last dealt with him. When our meeting ended, I found myself praising God for what He has done in me. I found myself praying for my whatever and anybody who never takes the time to self-assess and see what's wrong within themselves and gives their life to Christ with the desire to be what God calls them to be. It was amazing how when I calmly stood firm on the one issue I needed to discuss with him, which was supporting our daughter, how he danced around the issue angrily, blamed me for everything, and was very animated in our conversation, but how when he saw that I was not reacting, but staying firm in my stance, he somewhat calmed, but never to the point of being reasonable. How sad that he carries so much of, I don't really know what towards me that it clouds his judgement of caring for our daughter. That's his choice and his loss as well. She and I will be fine.

He told me at the end of our conversation, maybe to hurt me because I wasn't reacting as he had hoped, that he was going to start the divorce. That hurt a little, but as I told him go with God, still remaining calm, I figured that if he did then that would be on him and who knows, maybe I do need a divorce, but God will work it all out - again, in His time and according to his riches and glory. I trust Him. Besides, I don't need to rush into anything I am - remember, giving myself a break.

Oh, and by the way, I want to share that the break is WONDERFUL!!! As I said though, I have not become complacent in my walk with the Lord, I actually think I am growing in it. I know that I am growing closer to my daughter and by me not being so busy, I have more time to share with her and I am seeing the benefits of this.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we each are able to reach out to people to help them to hang on through whatever they are going through. That we can convince them that God will be glorified in the end. That we show them how to praise them in the storms of life because His glory will come. That they will be ok. That we thank those who helped us and we always try to remember to not walk how we feel but remain a constant light for His glory.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Addendum to the day

Today's service was so powerfully good and full of the holy spirit that I almost can't describe it, but let me give it my best shot. Today the message was a continuation of the series "Heaven Can Wait" and I GOT IT!!! Today I felt all of the things I have been growing into come to an understanding. I have worked and prayed really hard within myself to let go of everything, fear, worry, what I thought I wanted and give it all to God. I have been doing a pretty good job, but today I really gained an understanding of why.

This life is truly nothing to what awaits us. When my final judgement day comes I am going to be ready. I have found myself - although on this earth, I live to share the good news with all I am and let the light of Jesus shine through me, I have found myself almost not caring. In that not caring, I have gained a trust that all will be well even when things aren't according to what the world thinks I should have or be. I know that as long as I keep doing my best to be the best me I can be, everything else will fall into place.

Today in church the presence of the Holy Spirit poured out. I always remark how I look around and just love the people in my church. What a blessing it is to have this second home for my daughter and I.

In regards to my Celebration of Life Party, I am so excited and feel so strongly that this is more than anything about me, this is all about what He has done in me and for me and promises to do through me. I am praying that at this celebration, people, christian and non christian will be gathered together to share a day of love. In those short five hours, it is my desire that all present will know what they mean to me and will meet and enjoy the company of others. People to me are so special and all present will have a particular reason as to why they are there and I hope each will know how they have touched mine or my daughter's life.

I am grateful, so very grateful to all who are helping me to make this celebration come together. My mother is helping me with decorations, invitations, etc. My friends for helping me to cook. The friend who got me the hall. The friend who is praying that the perfect red and white dress show itself to me. My pastor who is going to say a few words. The person who is helping me with the sound system. God, who is ordaining this celebration and who knows that all the glory will go to Him. I just know that this celebration is from him and He will help everything turn out perfectly according to His will. I just feel something special about this upcoming day and I hope that anybody who reads this will come fill the venue with their presence. There promises to be something for everybody.

God is great. Just join with me in celebrating that fact this evening.

Hallelujah!

Freedom and Celebration of Life

I have realized lately how blessed I am and how blessed I have always been. I have pondered where I've been how God let me go through things yet how He never let go of me. How much He is with me.

My daughter made the competitive soccer team, at least for a rarely given three month "tryout". During this next three months, as she has had for the last few weeks, she is taking full advantage of the opportunity to have practices with not only her teams' wonderful coach, but with the Sac State Women's coach and other visiting coaches. What a great opportunity this is for her, someone who has lived a life of soccer, but not had the chance to play in such an arena as this. As I arrived at practice the other night and watched her doing the drills and playing some scrimmage in one of the densest fogs I can remember, I remarked and praised God.

I thanked God for this opportunity for her. I thanked him for how I felt during this time. As I stood there in that misty fog under a tree that kept dropping drops of accumulated mist on my head, I felt free. I had nothing to worry about, or I chose to worry about nothing because of my faith in Him. I didn't have to worry that I had so much to do at home, that somebody else would be mad at me for any reason upon arriving home. I was free to stand there and enjoy watching her play and felt every bit grateful for that freedom so I stood there and just praised God.

I'm throwing myself a birthday party. I'm calling it Dianne's Fabulous Forties Finally Fly Forth. Long title for saying that til now, my forties - which I so anticipated in my thirties to be great, have not been so great, but now is the time and the rest of them will be wonderful. I am actually looking forward to it being a celebration of life, one that God is making happen.

I have been given a rental hall that holds 280 with a huge banquet room and a stage and a large dance floor at a price I can afford. I believe I have the music covered. The short program is coming together and one of my dearest friends is travling to be with me for this event. There will be a little kids area as well as an area for the older kids to hang out and play board games or cards. There will be great food as I am making some - that and I will ask people to bring something to share as I love not only sharing life, but sharing food. I am inviting everybody I know, because what an opportunity to bring these people together to share in this celebration of life. I just feel that God wants this to happen because everything is coming together as it should. Heck there's room for 280 and I want to fill the place with this joy, freedom, love and peace that God is filling me with. I just know that it is going to be a wonderful afternoon. Hopefully I will see you there.

Today I ask you to joing me in prayer that we don't walk by how we feel, but that we do take the time to acknowledge how we feel and rejoice in feeling good and grateful - even at times when we have cause to worry. That we acknowlege that God is great and sometimes, He really wants us to celebrate life.

Hallelujah!!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Giving Myself a Break

Through this 21 day Daniel fast, God has been revealing many things to my heart. One of those big things is that I am doing ok. I have discovered that I can be pretty hard on myself and demand so very much of myself that I need to take a step back and see all I have accomplished in order to take a step forward and grow in Christ. I have become so busy doing that I have not been able to just be. I am not talking in any way shape or form about complacency, I am talking about basking in the the glow of Christ and enjoying all that I am and am becoming in Him.

Although I have no plans whatsoever in slowing down in my pursuit of Him, I have decided to take this spring to allow myself to enjoy some of this life around me and my family as well as spread the love of Christ in areas besides in church. I am going to be taking a harmonica class starting next month as I have for so very long wanted to learn to play this instrument and I am vowing to do this. I am going to reconnect with an old friend and go every other week on a walk with the Sacramento Walking Sticks with her. I am going to eat dinner with my mother at least every other week as well. I am getting serious now about my training for the half marathon. I am taking a golf class on Saturday mornings to help me cut the cost of my bus pass, and hey, who knows what God has in store regarding this class. I'm devoting myself to raising my girl and trying to find ways to raise the money that will allow for her to go to Fiji with her youth group this summer.

I will be in church every Sunday worshiping God with my church family. I missed a Sunday recently to prepare for my fast, but I must be honest and say that I hate to miss church, so that is something I rarely will ever do. I am simply giving myself a little break from the have to's and letting myself do some of the want to's of life, all the while doing the do's that Christ calls me to and avoiding the dont's. This Daniel fast has shown me that it is ok for me to relax on myself a little bit. I don't have to be perfect for God to love me. I don't have to try so hard. Heck, I'm hoping to even be able to join my family for Sunday dinners, maybe I'll just let myself do that.

Today join me in prayer that we sometimes just give ourselves a break and trust that we will be ok in doing so.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I So Love God

God is so totally great and amazing. In hindsight, I think I set one of the best examples for my daughter yesterday that I could have possibly done. One without even trying. I woke up yesterday morning and don't know what was going on, but I woke up feeling as if God was trying to tell me something about my whatever. I felt this calmness speaking to me and woke up praying for my whatever.

I proceeded to go to the river with a friend and my dog for a nice walk and followed it with a nice breakfast out - totally adhering to my Daniel fast with a bowl of oatmeal to included berries and nuts and raisins. It was great. Anyways, I came home and as usual, a tinge of sadness came with me that it was Whatever that I spent that good morning with. However, I brushed it aside and then the unthinkable happened. Whatever called me. I melted afterwards and fell apart.

Well, I went into my room where my daughter was and was crying, stating that this is not what God wanted, for everything to fall to me, for families to fall apart, etc, but the whole time I'm crying I am changing clothes into my running clothes and as I am still wiping the tears away, I am saying I am going to go for a run to get all of this "crap" out of me and run I did. I came back from that run, no longer crying, and went on with what turned out to be a great day. All pretty much because I chose to not stay in that frame of mind. What a great example I set without even trying. I followed it up this morning as I told her that when she has bad days or bad moments, she doesn't have to let them stick. She can do something like I did to get herself out of of them and can always remember that the moment may suck, but she will be ok and tomorrows are always brand new days.

You know, I have received three huge blessings since yesterday that I am still praising God for and above all, I am praising Him for the fact that I am certain these blessings came because even if I don't always walk a perfect walk, I try constantly to stay on the straight and narrow. Two of those blessings are in relation to my daughter and one of them, a biggie is all about me. God has showed me that I am ok and that I am on the right path. Dang, made me feel like a million bucks. I guess He really does have plans to prosper and not harm us.

This Daniel fast has been so very good for me. Oh my gosh though, I just can't wait til the moment that I can bite into a McDonald's cheeseburger loaded with french fries. What heaven on Earth that will be for me. I won't lie and say I haven't thought of eating that burger now, but I know, that if I wait for the legitimate end to my fast, that thing that taunts me in my dreams - that cheeseburger, will be enjoyed so very much more. The other night, I was so ready to give into that call and found myself covering that non call of God with prayer and guess what, it worked.

Today as I rode home on my bus this man was questioning me about my church and my faith, stating that he wants some of what I have, a happiness he says he sees in me. He asked me what do I do about all the "evil people". "Don't you just want to fight evil with evil?" I said no, I wanted to let the light of Jesus shine through me and love them like Jesus and fight evil with love. That man wants to visit my church.

I love God. I love what He is doing through me and how much He is showing me he loves me - even if I, for just a split second, was thinking of joining the world on that not so long ago New Year's eve and how just the thoughts of sinning really did somewhat separate me from God. God must see me though that I don't want to be separated from Him and that no matter what it takes, I know what I need to do to stay close to Him. I turned on the Sirius music channel the other morning and the song that came on spoke of everything we need to remember: It's a slow fade, when you give yourself away. It's a slow fade, when black and white turn to grey when thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day. So be careful little eyes what you see. For the father up above is looking down in love, so be carely little eyes what you see. I don't want to fade, hopefully you don't either.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we always remember who we are in Christ. That nothing needs to keep us down. That if we get down we remember that we can turn the situation around. That we set a good example to somebody who maybe will remember us someday and what we did in a situation and how we picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off, even if we cried while we did it.

Hallelujah!

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Prisoner of Hope

Today as I was listening to my morning sermon by my "other Pastor", he spoke of something that caught my heart. I am on day 5 of a 21 day fast and am doing a full out Daniel fast with the only moderation to it being I am drinking that a Slim Fast for breakfast each day. Because I have been feeling crunchy as of lately, I selected something to seek God for, but have specifically asked for Him to surprise me by showing me what He wants me to see during this time. I was pleasantly surprised and gave Him all the glory two days ago when He brought something to the forefront that I needed to see. Today, God confirmed that He had been speaking to my heart the other day when I heard this morning's sermon.

The messages this week have revolved around the blood of Jesus and what that blood means in our lives. The pastor spoke on Zachariah 9:12 today and told of how we can become prisoners of hope. I realized I have been such a prisoner, and I have been one for too long. I am constantly amazed at how God, when we listen to him really does have so much to share with us. I have just felt kind of crunchy this past few days, but the cool thing is, Praise God, I have learned to not go by how I feel, but to instead, continue on in what I know. I know God loves me no matter what. I know that He has my back and I know that I am to never give up.

Sometimes this life hurts and although I don't fully grasp how God can turn ashes into beauty, I do see that He does just that. I won't lie though, it is not a fun process and I am not enjoying all the molding He is doing in my life, but the truth of the matter is is this is what it is and I have to go through all of this anyways, so why not give it all to him and let him. I guess it really does make sense to "let go and let God." I'm doing just that, even if I don't feel like it.

That's where the funky hope comes in darnit. I still have this little glimmer of hope, even though I know it's not what God wants for me that I don't have to be molded and made into something I never thought I'd have to be. However, there is a new hope. A hope that is becoming a reality and one that won't imprison me in it. A hope that has more freedom and light than I can really even begin to grasp at this moment. I hope that is real and will come true.

I am grateful to God that He is speaking to me in this fast. I am grateful to Him for this newfound hope and that He is replacing a falsely placed hope with hope in Him. I remember a woman who spoke at my church recently who had been deeply hurt and abandoned by her husband and before she was able to begin to receive healing, she found herself in a treatment facility looking out the window, as she had done for many days and realized that her husband was not going to come "rescue" her. That was a huge hurt for her, a breaking point, but also a breakthrough. I think I have had a breakthrough and it hurts, but right here in the midst of it, I know that it is a beginning, a new starting point. Now the hope of healing, real healing can begin to take the place of that false hope. After all, that is my goal, to heal and to no longer be a prisoner of hope.

Today, join with me in praising God that there are people brave enough to share what they have been through so as to help others heal. Join with me in praising God for breakthroughs that give us correctly placed hope. Join with me in praising God that when we come to these breakthroughs we realize that we must continue on, no matter how we feel because tomorrow is another day and we walk by faith.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Experiencing the Spirit

My church had it's kickoff to our 21 days of prayer, fasting and devotions with our Experiencing the Spirit service this evening. My God how I love my church and the people in it. I watched our pastor annoint each and every person there with oil and prayed for each of them as he did so and I just remarked how I care so much for the people in my church - even if I didn't know their names. They are my family and I believe that just about every person there would reach out to help my daughter and I if we had a need and I know that we would do the same for them.

I am so excited for this next 21 days. I have chosen to do a Daniel Fast and spent the better part of this day in preparation for it by cooking beans, shopping (I even bought vegetables that I will force myself to eat which is a biggie) and just really spending some time pondering what I am hoping to happen in this next 21 days. I just feel as if God is going to do something great for me personally and for my church as a whole. Being as I don't lie to you I have to tell you something.

I have been really struggling with John 14:13-14 lately. It just seems like every time I turn around this last few months, I am hearing these two verses. "And I will do whatever you ask in my name so that the son will bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it." I really have only been asking one thing from God and that has been to restore my husband to him so that my marriage will be restored. Every time I hear a pastor saying these verses - and it seems to be frequent lately, I get more confused. Is God talking to me telling me to hang in there? Is Satan messing with me just trying to say look what He says and it's not coming true. I DON'T KNOW!! I am so messed up with these two verses.

Therefore, it is my fervent prayer through this fast that I be an open vessel to hear God's voice and to understand what He means in my case when He states this promise to me. This fast couldn't come at a better time for me. I need to focus on God right now. In light of some stuff I have been going through, most of it my own fault, I need to focus. I think I am going to be able to, with God's help, make this fast. My kidney infection is healed now and I am back at my Insanity program and have started running again in preparation for my half marathon in March. Combine these factors with the daily devotionals and the healthy eating. I am going to be such a clean vessel for God to speak to and through. I just can't wait to be used by Him and for Him to show me more of what He wants for me. Who knows, maybe He'll explain those verses in John to me. All I know right now is that I hope to spend some more time experiencing His spirit.

Today, join me in prayer for all the churches and the people that are partaking in this 21 day experience that we all find our more about God's will in our lives, our churches and our communities.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A continuation: Sin Really Does Separate us from God

I wrote after New Year's Eve how my plan to sin really separated me from God. First off, I need to make clear that I really did not end up drinking to excess, nor did I end up using my designated driver. The thing to me was that I did plan on doing those things. I planned on throwing all caution to the wind and I planned on living outside of God's will for that night. That's where the door got opened.

What I've learned from this big plan of mine. I have learned that when we plan on sinning, it's just about the same as if we did the sin. I have learned that it can cause the door to be opened for more sin to come into your life. I have learned that Satan attacks you harder because he sees that you are just a bit vulnerable in an area so he sends out so very many fiery darts in other areas because you allowed yourself to become weak in one or others. It's almost as if he sees an opening and even though you've closed that door, possibly you haven't locked it airtight enough and he sees a glimmer of light poking through the keyhole so he just bombards you with darts around that light trying to open the hole even wider. I have learned that you have to work to strengthen yourself even harder than you were had you just stayed standing in the manner that you were. I have learned that God loves me no matter what and that He has already used my decision to show me even more how much I need Him in my life.

I think I must be going through another piece of the anger stage of grieving the loss of my marriage. I tell myself, "really, you aren't over that yet?" No, I'm not. Darn him though, why should I have to be facing all this everything alone, he was supposed to have been part of my sheild. One of my favorite thoughts is "If you stay committed long enough, there is a glorious side that you will experience beyond anything you can comprehend." I learned that in the context of marriage, but I am so not able to use that in that context, so I am working really hard on turning that around to be applicable to my walk with God. My choosing to plan on going against God's will for my life and all the ramifications surrounding that choice have caused me to see the truth in that statement. I know that I just need to - as Jeremy Camp says, stay, right here in the light so that I won't walk away. I am choosing now to stay because I do see the light.

In my "pre-choice" days, I had complete trust in God. I am so happy to say that that hasn't wavered, however, there is a guilt that I have self-imposed that tells me why should God want to be there for me as I trust that He is (He will be with us always) if I am so easy to want to break free of all the abuse my Whatever did to me by going the way of the world, even if only for one night? Well, don't worry, I am staying there. I am putting all guilt aside because of the fact that I am making a choice, again, to not stay in choosing to go against God's will for me. I am choosing to get back up, and love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and strength and try to make a difference in the world by letting the light of Him shine through me. Besides, if I just do the do's, I won't have to worry about not doing the don'ts because the dont's will just fade away in all the blessings that come from the do's.

Oh, and one more thing. I know that I tell on myself in this blog. I do that for a reason. One of them is because I am honest and I am real. God wants me no other way and God knows I have tried to be different, but He made me like this. I don't learn from people who act one way and are another. In fact, for me it's quite the opposite. If someone is portraying themself as one way and I see that they really are way different, I get mad and turn away. Call it a bad character trait, but I don't like dishonesty and I can deal with it once, twice, but usually by the third strike, "They're OUT!!" Well, I began this blog to help others as well as to help myself. If just one person sees just one other person messing up, getting up and continueing forward, maybe, just maybe they will get up themselves. That's really all I want. That and to keep on knowing that sin really does separate us from God and we don't want that to happen.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for me, I know, we've been here before. I ask for prayer that those fiery darts bounce right off that door, and don't cause that keyhole to widen. I ask you to pray that the super glue, the rubber cement, the Elmer's that I have here in my house and am applying to that keyhole do the trick. That I am behind that door and see those agents drying and, yes, I hear the darts hitting the door, but I'm behind that door trusting that closed keyhole and standing in the light preparing to open that door and walk outside because I'm ready and I can.

Hallelujah and Happy Happy New Year! I say do the do's and the dont's will take care of themselves.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's Hard to Stay Mad at God

You might recall how the umbrella my Whatever got me had gotten stolen from the bus and I only had, I believe, two items left from him to my name. I specifically asked God to protect one of those items, the bracelet that I gave my Whatever on our tenth wedding anniversary. The other item is a watch Whatever gave me on the same anniversary, but funny, the watch means nothing to me, the bracelet, however, was cherished by me because I knew my sentiments when I gave it. The bracelet fell off on New Year's Eve. I see it on my wrist in pictures from my night of revelry, but I woke up and noticed right away that it was gone.

Anyways, I was kind of mad at God. I really haven't asked for much from God for myself specifically besides helping me to not be afraid of anything - you know to trust Him, and to restore my marriage or release me from that covenant that I took so seriously. Those things and to please not let anything happen to that bracelet. Well, darnit - what goes and happens just within two weeks of me asking? The bracelet gets gone. Dang God I said. I was kind of hurt and a little angry about this. Not only does my wrist feel naked - I feel a little off with the near extinction of all in my world that had to do with Whatever.

Well, being the christian that I am, I accepted the fact that God is helping me to let those ties go. I know that we can't take it with us and that it really shouldn't be important to me now, I still can't help but say darn just a little. You know though, with all the good things that God has done for me and all that He is continueing to do, I just can't help but get over my mad and praise Him for His divine knowledge of what He is going to help me let go of. I still trust Him and am going to let go of what He wants me to, even if He has to remove it from my life because he knows I never would. So, I think that I need to go find a new bracelet that means something for my future, not that hangs me onto my past.

Today, join me in praising God that He does know what's best for us. That we know He is with us and that all we have to do is reach out to Him. After all, He is, He was and He always will be, whether or not we feel naked without the things that we were clinging to. He is all we need. We just can't stay mad at God.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sin Really Does Separate us from God and New Year's Resolutions

For New Year's Eve this year, I felt this surge of freedom from the oppression of the many New Year's past and wanted to Party! I had options of a christian dance, an evening at a home with a friend, but I wanted to go out and planned fully on drinking to excess and welcoming the New Year with Mr. or Mrs. Hangover being my good morning friend. I arranged for a designated driver and friends to go out with and was all set. I just feel so free and although I feel free in God's goodness, for some reason, I just wanted to be wordly and break out because for whatever whacky reason, I just felt like it would make up for all the times in years past that I did not get to do anything I wanted to do. It was nice to get out and I truly did have a wonderful time and really don't wish to have made any other choice of what I did.

However, and this is a biggie, I don't like how my choice to actively go against what I know God wants for me did to my relationship with Him. This choice of mine to knowingly sin separated me from God. It made me feel like a hypocrite, and just plain bad and truly hindered my relationship with Him. I am certain that God loved me just as much as He always does and that nothing about Him changed towards me, but I know just as well that I changed and was not able to be my "normal" self with Him, so therefore, I am going to try to not do that again. Has that ever happened to you? Well, then you know what I am talking about.

Well, Happy New Year! Although I haven't really done resolutions in a while, I decided that since this new Dianne Rene'e has been so good at perservering through so much, I might as well make a few resolutions this year. I am vowing to try to remember when I want to yell at my daughter to stop, breathe and whisper instead. I am vowing to eat more fruits and vegetables. In fact, my church is beginning a 21 day fast this next Monday and I think that God is calling me to really begin to make my self discipline even stronger in my Insanity exercise program as well as in my quest to run that half marathon in March. I am looking forward to see what it is I can do. I remember last year's Daniel Fast. I gave up Dairy and meats however unfortunately, I only made it 14 days, but I am certain that that was just preparation for what the new Dianne Rene'e is going to do this year. I just can't wait to feel the strength and empowerment that will be there waiting for me at the end of the 21 days of whatever it is that God leads me to do.

Our church is facing some financial issues that are pressing. Today there was a meeting held by the church that informed those who attended what we are really facing in our budget and financial future. Yes, the issues are pressing, but what a pleasure to be facing these issues with my church members. Sitting there listening to the speakers speak, I looked around and felt so united with the people there in that room and I love those people. It was wonderful to see one of our sweet, calmer and more reserved members speak out how what an opportunity it is for us to trust God. I can't think of a more wonderful group of people to trust God with. I love my church and I love the people in it. I look forward to this fast to see what changes God is going to do in our church because I am certain that the other members as well will be fasting not only for personal reasons with God, but as an opportunity to beseech our God on behalf of our church. I love looking forward to the promises God has in store.

Today join me in prayer that we each realize how our own sin separates us from God and we each realize that we don't want that separation and that we can make better choices. That if we do find ourself separated because of our choices, we don't give up and quit, but instead choose to confess our sin and ask God to help make us stronger in our next choices. That we possibly feel strong enough to maybe make even just one New Year's resolution to be a better person all for the glory of God.

Hallelujah!