Nothing Is Perfect and Baby Gates

I have a dog that I inherited from my STBX, a miniature pincher named Spike. He's probably one of the closest to perfect dogs I have ever owned. He doesn't bark incessantly. He listens to me and does what I ask him to. He's a really cool dog, but.... he's not perfect. For whatever reason, if my daughter leaves her jeans in a pile or her grey sweat pants on the floor in her room, Spike will undoubtedly go in there and pee on them. He doesn't do this in my room if I leave something on the floor or in any other room either, only in hers. Well, he's shown that this is his method of operation, so he's no longer given the opportunity to do that as we bought a baby gate and he can no longer enter her room. We've given him back the opportunity to be an almost perfect dog.

I was thinking about how lucky Spike is. My daughter and I are giving him a prime opportunity to shine but keeping him away from being able to do the one thing that really makes her want to kill him and that puts him in the category of just being another dumb dog. Did you know that we are lucky as well? I was reading the book of Jude on my bus ride to work this morning and came across Jude 24 "To Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy". Wow! My take on this is that God has put baby gates in our lives as well.

God's baby gates in my life of late have consisted of the Holy Spirit sending whispered reminders of who loves me. Of blessings being pointed out to me even if I am in the midst of not being able to see beyond the immediate hardship in front of me. Of reminders of how hard I have worked to stay out of the insanity of doing the same things hoping for different results, pointing me in different directions seeking the best life has to offer. Of reminders of how happy I am that we are to walk by faith and not by how we feel. Of reminders that Spike is not perfect, I'm not perfect, that really, nothing is perfect except for the Lord of all Creation who was and is and is to come.

Today I ask you to join me in praise for baby gates. That they are placed in life to protect us and to let us shine in the areas that we shine in.

Hallelujah!

I'll Let My Words Be Few

This morning as I was getting ready for church. I was listening to the Christian Sirius music channel on TV and it was so calm in the house I just felt like praising God. I took about ten minutes and asked God to clear my mind of everything else but worshiping Him. It felt so good to just take that time and let Him know how much He means to me.

I remembered that this evening as I heard this song. "Now I stand in awe of you. Yes I stand in awe of you, Jesus. And I'll let my words be few. Jesus I am so in love with you..." Beautiful.

Today join me in a prayer where say nothing. That we just let our hearts speak to him and that we stand in awe of Him. He is such a good God and this last instance where He proved to me once again that He really does have my back has me standing there with you just worshiping our Lord. I am amazed.

Hallelujah!

Don't Worry, Be Happy

You know, I feel so completely blessed. I made a conscious choice to not worry over finances when I was losing a relatively good chunk of it due to some job stuff. I still remember the day I found out how I felt. I felt and said inside. Ok God, here goes. I will not worry - You know what's going on. I am going to trust you in this. Well, I won't tell you that I haven't wondered what's going to happen, but I have not worried once, but rather, I have felt a sense of calm inside, the whole time remembering Matthew 6:26 and how the birds don't store up and God cares for them, so He will certainly care for me as well. Well, God came through. I was right to not have worried.

An incident happened this week that although it turned out so beautifully and with so much love on the part of myself and the other party, it got me to thinking. Losing a marriage is hard. Although I work so hard at being strong and at my service to the Lord. I still have very close to my surface, a big hurt over my marriage and it's demise. I know the whole serenity prayer thing, but I still really struggle with the fact that my husband left two really good people, my daughter and I. I know it's all his bad, but at times I can't help but wonder at the fairness of how she and I are left with the hurt while he just floats on freely. I don't feel envious at all of him, more like I feel sorry for him. I was a great wife. My daughter is a great daughter. Definitely his loss.

I try sometimes to find ways to be not hateful of, but strong against any feelings towards him, but the fact of the matter is that I loved him up til the day he left and I was trusting God for so long that He would restore our marriage that it's hard to just be over it. I think I'm in a limbo in that I am trying to go on with life and put the reality of the fact that he's gone, that we are no more. It's hard to just switch gears with God and get it into my head that this is forever. Sometimes there is this piece of me that believes that restoration just hasn't been in God's time yet. I know I need to wake up. In the meantime, I'm going to keep listening for the voice of God in this matter. I'm going to keep serving God with all I am and being the best me I can be. I am going to keep asking God to heal the hurt, because although I am very happy now, it doesn't take much for the hurt to make itself known.

Today I ask for special prayer for me of you. I am still - and forevermore going to be a non-smoker, but I have found myself craving a cigarette the last few days. I don't care what it takes, I will not pick up and smoke even one cigarette again, but I don't even want to think about smoking. I ask for prayer that the hurt that's right beneath the surface, not just of me, but of anybody who carries one, that it stay beneath the surface and that we always praise God that it has receded to that point. Where, for me, it once was a gaping wound, praise the Lord, it's under the skin now. Someday it won't even be there. I'll take that. Join me in prayer today that God is a God to be trusted and he will take care of our needs. We don't need to worry, he wants us to be happy.

Hallelujah!

Magnets

You know how magnets on one side try to push apart but on the other side they rush to stick together? I like to think that life has made me a magnet of late. My gosh, the wonderful - good people in my world keep coming and rising up in my life. I'd like to think that if a bad person came into my world that the magnet in me would push away and just not want to go there.

I mean how amazing is it to be attracting good. God is so wonderful when He molds and changes you. Today I sent an email out to my whole department and I got the neatest response from a woman that I don't know. She thanked me for sending out such nice emails and for doing a good job. How nice it was to receive that - and I told her so, but how nice it is to lift someone up rather than not. I remarked at the kindness in her message to me.

Yes, good does attract good and now that I am learning what good is, it - well, it feels good. I love the group of friends I am gathering in my new world. The kindness that I am being shown is amazing. It's changing me. From the friend who brings them to me and makes me eat my veggies to the friend that is becoming my training partner and silly, fun, nutty buddy, I'm changing. I love that song that says, "Let it be, All for the glory of you". I am becoming physically healthier, mentally healthier and stronger than I ever imagined. All because the magnet effect of the good side being faced towards the good sides around me and a heart that desires the best that God has to offer and that is actively seeking that best. I am grateful.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all find those good sides and ask God to help us start using those sides to project who we are and attract the good that God wants us to attract. That when that good comes to us we realize how wonderful it is to be surrounded by it and that good helps us along our path to being what and who God wants us to be. That we remember to thank God for all He has done for us and all He is.

Hallelujah!

Keeping On

I posted that on Friday night I came home and basically hit the bed, thinking that I was tired from my first run on Thursday and mentally dealing with the challenge of trying to create a road of peace. Saturday morning, I got up and was out running my first 3 mile run, which I did and then I came home, went to my daughter's soccer game (she's so darn good anymore) had a friend over for a while and when he left, I about fell out again and went to sleep at 8. Yesterday, I woke up, went for another 3 mile run, thinking the headache and body ache was just soreness from adjusting to running. I got home from the run and that was all I did for the day. I was not sore. I was not dealing with the peace road, nor was I dealing with the fact that I found out my STBX is going to be back in the United States again in the next two weeks or so. I was sick.

With the latest news of the STBX, I thought that my inability to move was a total freak out on my part. I got so terribly scared that I even cried as I was running, but it was the weirdest way to cry. I didn't even feel in my heart like I wanted to cry, but my eyes wouldn't stop. I'd wipe away the tears and they'd just come back again. I even began thinking my tears were caused by whatever the opposite of endorphins are. I was remarking that hey - I thought running was supposed to make you feel better. (Remember, I didn't know I was sick).

It is. I am feeling empowered. I keep thinking of the perseverance message. I don't want to be a quitter. On March 13 I am going to run the Shamrock half marathon if it kills me (I don't think it will). If I don't run another step after that, that's just fine with me, but I want to do this one thing.

In my sick/freakout/body sore whatever it was weekend after I found out he was coming back, I got scared. I am realizing how hurt I always was the last year of living with him that I just started to feel hurt all over again. I got scared of everything. Scared he was going to in some way hurt me and scared that he is going to someway hurt her or turn her world upside down again. I wanted to quit the fight to not be afraid and I wanted to give up and give in. I was seriously messed. I needed to remember who I am in Christ. When confiding with a friend, praise God I have some great ones now, he told me that God must think I'm ready to deal with this. He's right. I am ready. I do not have to give in to anything that can hurt us.

You know, I have some serious issues going on right now, but I learned something in my morning sermon today. I am living my life for Christ. I am not actively pursuing any sin in my life anymore having given up smoking, I am free to serve God with all I am. I am annointed and in that annointing, I can change the world. I have nothing to be afraid of. God will bless me because I am His and I do not need to be afraid because I will be safe in His arms. You know though, I learned something from my weekend as well that I have done for others and hope that others will in turn do as well. When a person is missing from church, I think that anybody who notices that person is gone should call and just say "Hey - I missed you, is everything ok?" It does make a difference, especially if everything isn't ok.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer to thank God that there are times we can be sick, and not know it and persevere through it. That even though we might think we have fallen that God shows us how strong we are and to really just give ourselves a little break and allow those tears, whether or not they come from the heart to just fall, maybe they are just healing rain, or maybe they are the opposites of endorphins. That God gives us friends that really care and can lift us up with just a few simple words. (Thank you Steve). That we keep on keeping on.

Hallelujah!

A Time To Rest

Last night after I got home from work, I ate dinner and pretty much hit the bed. I asked myself if it was too early to go to sleep, but I think that the 6:00 time showing on my cell phone said that it was. Nonetheless, whether or not I was going to sleep at that time, which I didn't, I stayed on the bed. For one, my first run in a million years of 2 miles the day before, although it felt great physically at the time and mentally now, kind of kicked my butt. (I will be back out there today though and this time for 3 miles). For two, I took a big step towards healing one of the many fractures in my family, but one that I needed to and should take for my daughter's sake. For three, I knew I was safe lying there on that bed.

I found myself in a bit of a struggle yesterday, but even during that struggle, I found myself - once again amazed by God. Isn't he the coolest God that he knows we have mountains to deal with, but he really only has us to deal with one of them at a time. I am so glad to see that I have come to such a place of trusting Him that I know that I will be able to climb that mountain, go through a valley and rest before I get to the next one. Praise the Lord.

I just finished the mountain of stopping smoking. The real hard part is over, now it is just up to me to maintain that I never pick up a cigarette again. Yesterday, the old smoker in me actually wanted to smoke, but the new in me just won't let that happen. I even woke up from a dream today where I was smoking a cigarrette. No, the battle's not over, but hey, at least I'm aware of it and am actively doing things to not go there again. One of those things yesterday might have been to just lay on the bed. I remember one friend who quit smoking years ago did frequently go to bed early just to avoid smoking til she was stronger. Pastor spoke in church of how we need to build safeguards to keep ourselves from ungodliness. Why not let that be a bed for a night?

The issue I dealt with yesterday was a hard one. I was wronged and hurt badly by somebody I thought loved me and someone that I showed the utmost of love and kindness towards. After that occurred, I did the human thing of not wanting to go there again and staying away, telling my daughter that she needed to stay away as well. Although I'd like to think that I extended forgiveness - after all, I did try to rectify the situation more than once, I still had hurt and anger over the situation and my daughter caught the brunt of it just by the mere fact that she was here and the other person wasn't. I needed to change the situation. Maybe one of the reasons I ran to the bed last night was because I really didn't sleep the night before because I had behaved badly and this was not the first time I had done so over this issue and I was "thinking carefully about what is right and wanting to stop sinning" (1 Cor. 15:33)

I needed to do something so I did. With the help of my accountability partners I put aside my pride and my human self, and faxed off a note to the other person, praying each step of the way that God be with me and that this act be something that will further His glory in mine and my daughter's life. This act, although it will help heal my daughter immensely if received correctly, forces me to to have to open myself up to stuff. You know stuff. More hurt. More reality checks of what is and what isn't. More stuff. I thank God that He stays with us through stuff. I know God was sitting on the end of that bad just making sure I knew He was there. But you know, maybe I still have stuff to go through to get me through to a place of even more healing, but darn, stuff is not fun to deal with. Maybe God wants us at times to deal with it on our beds because I sure didn't leave mine.

You know, Pastor said in church on Sunday that pursuing Godliness is a courageous pursuit. I think that pursuing Godliness can also be emotionally exhausting. Maybe I pulled a bit of a Jesus and rested last night (Mark 6:31) - I went off to a quiet place and rested. Heck, I know I pulled a bit of a Jesus and wept. It was very hard for me to do what I did yesterday, but I had to do it. For my sake, to be certain that my forgiveness was complete that but mainly I had to do what I did for the sake of my daughter. She will reap benefits from this act of love that will be even more rewarding in years to come.

I sat her down and shared with her what I had done. I shared the letter as well, which I must say was well written and conveyed the love of Christ as well the strength of Christ in me. Although I took this step it in no way made me a wimp or a doormat, but rather a doorway to healing. It was not an easy thing to do, but as I stood at that fax machine, before I hit send, I paused and prayed over that letter that it do just what the Christ in me wanted it to do. My daughter is already shining a bit more because of what I did.

I think, that the way I have been behaving lately that if I were on trial for being a Christian, there might just be enough evidence to convict me. It's not easy serving God and being human at the same time. Although not a war of wills, it is a war of choices and I think that at times we might just get exhausted and need to choose to give ourselves a break and hit the bed if that's what we want to do. It's way better than running to anything that might have been in our pasts, maybe it's a way of fueling ourselves up to run to a better future.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we give ourselves the freedom to rest if we need to. That we don't feel badly about it, but we just let the house be messy for a time and just lay there knowing that maybe when we give permission to God to mold us, that we might just get worn out from being stretched in ways we aren't used to.

Hallelujah! Now I'm ready to go run those 3 miles.

Relapse

Last night was my last "Freedom from Smoking" class. The class had whittled down to only two of us and our two teachers. My classmate was still having a few struggles with cigarettes, but stated that she is going to keep going and she is going to remember my face and that I am going to inspire her. Hmm, made me think of which face she's going to remember and I had to laugh - again, at myself. You know, I know I'm kind of nutty right now. (In other words, you don't have to tell me.) The way God has just basically taken the wheel of my life is so far from me and I'm really starting to get it when I try to take the wheel back, so fast almost that I really am starting to even almost not even try to grab the wheel anymore.

I so relate this quitting smoking to my whole life right now. I described it "with a passion" like my teacher has not seen before she said.

I am free. I am free from anything that was ever holding me back to really become what God wants me to be. I am so amazed to even be at this point. I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to get here. It's no wonder that I have felt like crying for the last week because the reality of what I have let God mold me into is coming to pass. OH MY GOSH!! To be in a place in life that I have worked so hard to come into, fills me with an awe and a - not really afraid, but almost breathless place to be. When I look at what I was and what I am now and KNOW that God has done such a great work in me and has brought me to a place where I am truly living my life for him truly takes my breath away. I have so much growing left to do, and am so far far far away from perfect but wow. I am letting go of things I used to be and have nothing left that I am hanging on to, not a person, a place or a thing, just my faith.

I worked hard to get here, yes God molded me, but as pastor said on Sunday, this is a process and we must work at it. I actively pursed one major thing - I wanted to get out of the insanity of my life. I had to do things differently to get different results. I climbed the stairs and I am going to continue climbing them. You know, climbing those stairs can really become a pain in the butt, especially when the elevator is right there saying "Ooooh, pick me, I'm faster, easier..." Whatever, those ways don't work for me anymore. I want it all and all is not just handed to you so I'm climbing those darn stairs.

We spoke of relapse prevention last night and tried to assess what our possible triggers to relapse could be. I realized that I was holding on to a fear. I thought of the fact that my STBX could possibly be coming back from Mexico at the end of this month. I actually felt the anxiety and shakiness come to me in class. I think my demeanor might have changed for a moment because the teachers jumped into action and told me of some things I could do. Thank you to them because all of sudden I realized I was afraid, not of him, but of what he could possibly do to me in relation to what I let him do to me before. I got rid of that fear as they reminded me of who I am. Something I hope to never forget again.

Nothing of this world has control over me anymore. I am strong. I do not have to allow myself to be in a situation where I have to deal one on one with him ever again. At all costs, as much preparation as I have put into stopping smoking, I need to prepare for the time when he will just show up because being as he has no contact with myself and has stopped any contact with his daughter, the fact is is that someday, he will just show up. I think I am partly there, but I will be enlisting about 4 friends to be prepared to help me as well. I will not relapse into anything that was of me before. I am not willing to take back the wheel of my life. I am prepared for a few topsy-turvy moments, but I know that with the strength God has given me, my faith in Him and those friends that will take a few moments of advance preparation as well, all will be well.

Today pray for all of us who have changed something about us. That we see reminders of who we are in Christ and that we - if we fall, we get right back up again and keep pressing towards our goal.

Hallelujah!

Gratefulness

Well, the more I grow in my walk with the Lord, the more I can hardly contain my emotions as I marvel at all the things I have to be grateful for. I mean really, this is serious stuff. You know, it hit me this past few days. I am truly more like a child now than I have ever had the opportunity to be. I started very young on a wrong path. Although I had a wonderful mother, it was my father who played much more of an influence on me. It was my father, who as well, made life a living hell, and I just realized yesterday that I married a living hell too. I hate it when you realize that those who have said those stupid things like girls will often marry their fathers turn out to be right don't you? Well, I did just that, but here comes the good part...

I learned about insanity. With every fiber in me, I am doing DIFFERENT things not the same things and I fully expect DIFFERENT results in this life I am living now. I surround myself with good things, good people, good music, good everything I can get my hands on. I force myself to be in elements that I have never been in before. I don't let who I was get me down because I am not that person. Although I would never hide what I was from somebody who asked, I do kind of have a bit of a tinge of, hmm, darkness next to light when I think of a new friend of mine. The way I get rid of it though is I remind myself that I am a new creation in Christ.

I don't know at times if I feel emotional about the wonders of this whole new world I am unearthing or if I am feeling emotional because I feel sorry for that girl who, for whatever reason, went the way of the bad in her life rather than the good. I almost think that it is possible that happened because maybe the good was trying so hard to keep their own head above water (something I can truly relate to) that they were not altogether able to do much more than that. All I know is that I'm glad to now be in a place where I don't have to fight to keep from drowning myself, so maybe my girl will never have to go through what I did and will not marry her father.

In the meantime, I am so happy in this life right now that I just want to cry and there is really no other reason than the fact that I don't cry every day anymore. That I am not in a world of "ugly" people. That I am not told that I am an "ugly" person. That I am not yelled at or called names. That my girl is edified and uplifted daily rather than being cussed at all the time in the most foulest of ways. That I am surrounded by good people. That drugs and alcohol are not a part of mine or those that I am surrounded with lives.

I am full of gratefulness and I think that this counts for the reason I feel like crying. How amazing it is that God could turn my life around in such a wonderful way. One of the biggest and most recent is that I am cigarette free. For two weeks, but forever. I am free. Yes, I am full of gratefulness.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that one day we look around and see a bunch of people full of emotion, even crying, all because they are so grateful at what God is and has molded them to be.

Hallelujah!

Wow

Wow, wow, wow. I am so filled up with the goodness of God I can hardly stand it. This weekend has almost been so much for me that I feel at a loss for words and just feel filled to abundance with the wonders of the Lord.

For one, the woman that I prayed for God to bring to me at Convoy of Hope came to church with her family. When I saw her, I just about melted and praised the Lord at the same time. The hug I gave her was so heartfelt and full of joy that I could hardly contain it. I had to laugh as I went up to close the morning service with the worship team when I started singing before I was supposed to and then just about forgot all the words and tunes to the song. I truly think I was in shock, but the smile and look of the worship leader got me back in line. That alone was priceless. He looked at me like "What's going on Dianne?" I think he was in shock that I was totally out of it as well.

I am still relatively new to dealing with the miracles of the Lord and when I am shown one, it just takes my breath away and really takes me a moment (or moments) to process. Wow.

I remarked to a friend today that there is a whole world out there that I am just learning to enjoy, that is waiting to be tried, that is full of - non sinful things to do. My goodness, I got to do one of those things today. Drum circle. How cool that was. Just a bunch of people sitting in a circle making music out of nothing but rhythm. I loved that freedom and will definitely be back again.

Life is good. Forgive me if I keep going back to wow, but wow. I really don't know what else to do except to praise the Lord and thank him profusely. My personal biggest wow right now is the fact that I have been delivered (14 days as of tomorrow) from smoking. Wow. Something I never thought could really happen for me, but something that God has helped me with and is for real. That's the only thing I think about this besides wow. That this is for real. Lord, I am amazed by you.

I have gotten some of the neatest new friends lately and again, I find myself going back to wow. People can really genuinely be good. Again, after what I have known for so long, I come back to wow. I'm lovin it!

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the wow factor that God can and does place in our lives when we are ready to receive it. That when He starts laying it on, that we remember to breathe, because all of this wow can really take your breath away. I'm breathing. Wow.

Hallelujah.

Convoy of Hope Recap

For the last two weeks, I have been praying about Convoy of Hope and the one person whose life I was going to touch or bring to know Christ. I met her. I knew it was her from the moment we first had contact. We spent a few moments together with her children and then I led the kids to the coloring tables so mom and I could have some time together. I told her she was the one and that she was what God had brought me there for. We had some truly great time and sharing together. I do hope to run into her again and I do hope that she will remember the love of Christ that flowed from me to her. Because of meeting this girl, my dream of what I hoped that God would use me for at the event was answered. However, God didn't stop there.

My biggest surprise of the day was how I was used by God in Spanish. I met a woman from another church that was there volunteering as well who didn't speak English and we were enjoying talking to each other while in line waiting to serve the guests coming into the prayer tent. Because of our conversations, the greeters and the pastor to my new friend caught on that I spoke Spanish. I hadn't written "Espanol" on my nametag because I was uncertain of how confident I was. I guess I did just fine because I understood the needs and was able to convey the love of God completely. The only disservice I think I might have done to our Spanish only speaking guests that I served was that when I prayed, I really needed to do most of that in English because that is the language that I speak to God in and just didn't want to struggle for words while praying.

I have to share the moment I walked into the prayer tent. It was a big white tent and as soon as I crossed under the threshold of the tent I felt this instant surge of emotion. I know that was the Holy Spirit welcoming me to the place He had been calling me to be.

One of my the most intimate times I had today was with a man who lives on the streets and struggles with alcoholism. Wow is all I can say. The complete candor we had with him answering my questions and telling me of life on the streets was real. I can't explain how the openness he shared with me touched me. It was eye-opening in such a non-judgmental way on my part. He really seemed resigned to life as it was, but yet had such goodness in him and a love for the Lord.

Another blessed moment came to me when I talked with another prayer volunteer, an older lady, and asked her how her day went. I almost cried when she told me of the mexican father with the 5 children, the oldest being a 12 year old son, and how she was sowing in the father, not even knowing she would be reaping in that son. That young man told her he wanted to know Christ and invited him into his heart. That 12 year old son, the woman told me, hugged her 3 times, the last time almost not wanting to let go. That young man will remember this day forever.

I had no idea that praying with people could be so exhausting. I finally kind of just stopped. I had nothing left to give and at one point I just could pray no more. It was weird. I fell in love even deeper with the people of my church. I loved the fact that no matter where I went on the grounds - I could say or do something Christian to anybody in a grey shirt like mine and be totally understood. That was cool. I'd love it if the whole world were like that, but it's not. Funny thing is, half the time I act like it is.

All in all, a blessed day. Full of giving love away. After all, love is nothing til it's given away, you end up having more.

Today join me in prayer that the people that were touched at this event keep that feeling of love that each and every one of us volunteers gave to them. That love was real and different for each guest, but real is the key word there. After all, it was the love of Jesus and how much more real can that be?

Hallelujah!

Call Me Crazy... Going through it.

I just don't get it. I am happy. I know that I am better off now than I have been in a long time. I am grateful for where God has brought me to and for who God has been molding me to be and who I am becoming. However, there are those times, when out of nowhere, my soul still aches for what was supposed to be. It makes me feel bad. Almost like God will think that I am ungrateful for what I have.

No lie though, no matter how good my life is becoming, there are just those times when I wish my reality still was with him. Sharing life with our family, before everything went wrong. Gosh, I think I'd be just a little bit happier if my STBX at least loved our daughter enough to tell her that or give her a call. How you forget you have a kid is beyond me. I hope that when it does finally get in contact with her, she will be strong enough to not be too let down when he disappears or withholds his love from her because she didn't do what he wanted to.

OH MY GOSH!!! I JUST WOKE UP FROM THE NIGHTMARE I WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT!!!! A song is going through my head it goes something like "What was I thinking".

Needless to say, there are just those moments when I miss what should have been. But then I wake up. Ok, I'm awake - just had to go through that moment, thought I'd take you with me. Sometimes reality sucks, especially the parts about forgotten kids. Wow. I'm so glad to be me.

Today join me in prayer that we all stay awake in what's real, that reality does not escape us and in the moments that it does, we wake up quickly cuz we were living in a dream.

Hallelujah!

Pier 1 Pillows and Loving a teen

I walk past Pier 1 on my way to my bus stop and to home. The other morning I just couldn't help myself as a christmas pillow display on a couch in the window caught my eye. I swear it was winking and twinkling at me to get me to look. I stopped my quick walk and went to the window and just looked at that red pillow thinking of how beautiful it looked there. I honestly can't remember the last time something called me from a display in a window to look at it. For just a moment I just stood there and looked at that pillow wondering if I should find a way to buy it, what would I do with it and did I really even want it or was I just meant to take a moment of my life to stop, look at it and think how pretty it looked in that display.

I don't know why, but that darn pillow stuck in my head for the last few days. However, the pillow is now - I believe gone, because it looks as if all the others are still there, but that pretty red one is gone. Go figure, but hey, my Financial Peace University budget told me I couldn't have bought it anyways.

Well, today I blew it with my daughter. She has this new thing of trying to act like life is totally miserable and anybody who knows me knows that although things can be tough, life is anything but miserable for me. So, therefore, living with somebody who works so hard at keeping a straight, non-smiling face proves to be wearing on me at times and today I had a fit. An old familiar curse word even slip slided out of my mouth. Dang, Darn and shoot. I absolutely hate being bad. It makes me feel so uncool.

Well, one of the ways that I made myself feel better, besides repenting and apologizing, was to remember that Pier 1 pillow. It's gone. I came home from worship rehearsal and she is still here. We had bought some Oreo cookies today, (made me remember the fit I had in the store as "Have yourself a merry little christmas started playing. HELLO! IT'S TOO EARLY FOR THAT!), and agreed that we'd have milk and cookies when I got home. I decided I needed to be better when I got home. I came in, the normal happy me and shouted "Mama, you ready for some milk and cookies? Let's play a few games of Wii first." How cool, my kid smiled as we played. She acted goofy. She laughed at me as I made my cool moves.

Yes, my girl is way better than my Pier 1 pillow. I guess all in all, as hard as it is at times, I love my teenager and I am so glad that I still have her and I promise to keep realizing that she is just a teenager, part woman, part child and not have a fit again...for at least a few months. My teenager will grow up someday and someday I will look in that room and she's gone, just like my Pier 1 pillow, but with her, I plan on at least knowing where she went.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for parents of teens that blow it. That they can make a comeback and fix the situation and rise above not being perfect. That they keep striving though.

Hallelujah!

Slip Sliding Away..

You know the nearer your destination, the more your'e slip sliding away.

I loved Simon and Garfunkle. Paul Simon could certainly write songs about the soul of humanity. How true it is the words of the above mentioned song. For quite some time I have wanted to succeed to prove to my STBX that I could. I will even be honest and say that I have told my daughter we have to do well, she has to do well, to show him how ok we are without him. I need to remember to tell her that we don't. That if the natural succession of things works out as it should, that we are going to do well without even trying to prove a thing to anybody else.

I feel it happening. This new life that God has unfolded for me, although at this time still shaky financially is becoming richer than anything I could have ever thought possible. I have gained some wonderful new friends in my life and am learning and understanding my daughter even more than I thought I wanted to or could. She is a beautiful disaster at times you know. Made of both my STBX and I, but more formed and shaped by him by the sheer fact that he had more time with her while she was growing. So yes, there can be a battle there, but I have taken a step back and decided to just keep leading her by example. She'll start to be a little more formed and shaped by me by the sheer fact that I didn't go away and you know what, the example she is being led by is really turning out to be a good one.

There was a moment when I was gaining all these new friends that against a few of them, I felt black next to their white. But again, that would be what my STBX would want to point out. That I was not good enough due to things in my past. You know what though. That doesn't matter anymore. How true is it that when we get closer to our destination - our goal, that the further we slip slide away. I don't really know that old Dianne anymore. These new friends that have creamy white pasts in comparison don't know her either. They know somebody totally different. Somebody good and somebody real. I'm getting to know her as well.

I am feeling so much better about something huge in my life. The very last physical thing I was holding on to that, for me, was sin - separating me from God, was smoking cigarettes. Having failed quitting attempts many times, I have put a lot of planning, prayer and emphasis on the importance to me of being a non-smoker for a while now. I am, only a slight bit trepidly, proudly stating that I am a non-smoker. I know that I am different now. Something about me has way more power over the things I don't want in my life to be there. I am certain that one of those strengths that has helped me is my Pastor's sermon on perseverance and making the conscious decision to start with throwing out the elevator at work and only walking the stairs. After all, we have to start somewhere.

The other day, I was tired of those darn stairs having been up and down those 4 flights in fairly rapid succession, I made a decision to go and push that elevator button. Believe me, the door to that elevator hadn't even opened when I woke up and said "What the heck are you doing?!" Believe me, I turned around and started climing those stairs rebuking Satan from stopping me in my perseverance and giving God all the glory for creating me to be the kind of person that wants to persevere. A person who knows that if I can just keep climing the stairs that I can do anything else that really matters because I don't quit when it gets hard! That I was going to turn this perseverance and use it in my stop smoking endeavor all for His glory because I want to serve Him with all I am. (I hope nobody heard me because I might have been praying out loud climbing up those stairs having gotten so upset at myself for almost taking that elevator)

No, step by step, as we get closer to what we want, the more and more the old that we didn't is slip sliding away. That it becomes something we don't want anymore or you know, at times almost even remember. My goal in mine and my daughter's successes are now so that I can be the woman God created me to be, and that I can lead her by example to know a life full of the fruits of the spirits and to know that living a life to serve the Lord is just the answer to help get her there.

Today I pray that we all can sing a chorus of Slip Sliding Away and praise God for the wonder of becoming new creations in Christ. After all, we are. I pray that we all pick and stick to some type of stair walking, acknowledging that it is a self-discipline that we are after. To persevere at something and not quit, trusting that God will take and turn this effort on our part into a strength at helping us to be better for His glory in some other area in our life.

Hallelujah!