For so long, I have heard and even said to myself in times of sorrow "the Joy of the Lord is my strength" but I have not felt it. The other day, probably last Tuesday, I was watching a sermon - I love Creflo Dollar, and he was speaking on the joy of the Lord. In a Dianne paraphrasing nutshell he said: The joy of the Lord is like when you wake up and find yourself out of shape and overweight you can't all of a sudden say "I'm going to be skinny today and be skinny. No, you need to work out and flex your muscles to get to a point of skinny again. Well, the joy of the Lord is the same way. You need to make a conscious effort to flex your joy of the Lord muscles. I decided right then and there to do just that.
Oh my gosh! The joy of the Lord really is becoming my strength. I talked with my mom about this and she said that when she is feeling in a funk, she gets up, smiles and says "It's a beautiful day." Well, I am doing the same thing. I have been praying at night asking God to help me flex my joy muscles and in the morning doing the same thing and I'm really starting to feel the joy of the Lord. Praise God. There is such a thing. Who was I to expect that after been so unhappy for the past, my gosh I'm sad to say five years, that I was going to have the joy of the Lord without striving for it. I'm not only striving, but I'm at a full run.
It was neat in that yesterday's sermon discussed stress on the job and how we need to turn our jobs into not those of our employers, but those of the Lord's. My job is ok, I work with wonderful people, but I am not nearly challenged enough and don't plan on staying there forever, this is just a stepping stone. However, today I woke up said it was going to be a beautiful day full of the joy of the Lord and everything is yours God in all I do may I strive to do it as you would have me to. I had one of the most blessed days I think in my life and nothing changed but my attitude and outlook.
I even was tested by being completely wronged by a family member, but instead of being hurt, which I really could have been and almost let myself be, I felt so sorry for them in all they were losing by throwing their relationship with me away but I still had the joy of the Lord. Please pray for an unknown family member that whatever issues are at the heart of their matter they will see that I am still right here, doing the same thing I was when they made their decision and all they have to do is be civil and talk about whatever is wrong.
But anyway, the joy of the Lord is real. I'm still young in it and I know I will be tested again, but join with me in flexing your joy muscles as well if you struggle with any lingering non joy feeling. I want what God promised and I know he is going to be true to His promises if I just hang in there.
Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I Wish vs. What Is
Today I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to start really healing I need to put aside the "I wishes" - which only cause my heart to hurt and concentrate on the "What Is's". I wish my husband would have been by my side sharing the music I so enjoyed at last night's Jackie Green concert. I wish he were by my side for yesterday's mammogram. I wish that you didn't have to be perfect to be loved by him.
Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.
So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.
Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.
Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.
So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.
Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Baby Xavier and Mammograms
I live on a main street and use public transportation to get to and from work downtown. One day in December while walking home from my bus stop I ran across a Christmas gift that must have fallen out of a vehicle that drove down the street. I brought the gift home wishing that I could reach its owners, but no, we don't seem to put contact information on gift tags do we. To Baby Xaver from Grandma and Grandpa the tag read. Well, inside the box was a nice baby blanket that I have kept on top of my bed since December.
I have been thinking that this gift is more valuable for baby Xavier than if he had it to curl up with because not a day goes by that I don't think of and pray for him. My heart hurts because I know how tight money is and how disappointed his grandparents were to find their gift missing, but if only I could tell them that their loss wasn't in vain.
Today I woke up thinking of baby Xavier, how old he might be, what he looks like, etc. Imagine my surprise when I went into my daughter's room, who I am sure has not thought of this baby since the day I found the gift, and while spending a moment with her while she prepared for school (furlough Friday for me) she told me, "Mommy, I know what I am going to name a son someday. I'm going to name him Xavier." At that moment, I began to think of God and how maybe he has me praying for baby Xavier now, to prepare me for having my own Xavier to pray for in the future. Funny God, isn't he amazing.
After being told by three people the other day at a Doctor's visit that I needed to get my mammogram done, I went and took care of business this morning. Praise God too, the walk in appointments start at 8:30 and I arrived at 8:15 and was brought in immediately and was out of there by 8:30. Anyway, this is only my second mammogram and my first was a big celebration to me of turning 40, a celebration that my husband shared with me as he joined me in the passage of a different era of womanhood. My heart was somewhat saddened as I did this event alone today. He should have been there with me. Not for any support or anything because they really are no big deal, but just to have been there. For me, love and life are a series of small celebrations and rituals. Just like I now have a ritual of celebrating baby Xavier's life and praying for him about daily, I wanted the ritual of always having my husband there at my side for all of my mammograms. Stupid I know, but I praise God that today I started on the path of doing things, not alone, but with my God, my husband for a season. After all, he promised I would never be alone didn't he.
Today I ask all of us to join in prayer for all the grandparents to know that there are others who pray for and care about their grandchildren. I ask us to join in praying for marriages everywhere, that couples never stop celebrating the small, unimportant things in life that really make life more fun and keep couples tied even more closely together. I miss those things, but God has promised that he will restore the years the locusts have stolen and that he will repair David's tent, so pray for me as well, as I begin this journey of having a new spouse and having to rely on myself and my God to carry me through the times I really shouldn't have to be alone.
I have been thinking that this gift is more valuable for baby Xavier than if he had it to curl up with because not a day goes by that I don't think of and pray for him. My heart hurts because I know how tight money is and how disappointed his grandparents were to find their gift missing, but if only I could tell them that their loss wasn't in vain.
Today I woke up thinking of baby Xavier, how old he might be, what he looks like, etc. Imagine my surprise when I went into my daughter's room, who I am sure has not thought of this baby since the day I found the gift, and while spending a moment with her while she prepared for school (furlough Friday for me) she told me, "Mommy, I know what I am going to name a son someday. I'm going to name him Xavier." At that moment, I began to think of God and how maybe he has me praying for baby Xavier now, to prepare me for having my own Xavier to pray for in the future. Funny God, isn't he amazing.
After being told by three people the other day at a Doctor's visit that I needed to get my mammogram done, I went and took care of business this morning. Praise God too, the walk in appointments start at 8:30 and I arrived at 8:15 and was brought in immediately and was out of there by 8:30. Anyway, this is only my second mammogram and my first was a big celebration to me of turning 40, a celebration that my husband shared with me as he joined me in the passage of a different era of womanhood. My heart was somewhat saddened as I did this event alone today. He should have been there with me. Not for any support or anything because they really are no big deal, but just to have been there. For me, love and life are a series of small celebrations and rituals. Just like I now have a ritual of celebrating baby Xavier's life and praying for him about daily, I wanted the ritual of always having my husband there at my side for all of my mammograms. Stupid I know, but I praise God that today I started on the path of doing things, not alone, but with my God, my husband for a season. After all, he promised I would never be alone didn't he.
Today I ask all of us to join in prayer for all the grandparents to know that there are others who pray for and care about their grandchildren. I ask us to join in praying for marriages everywhere, that couples never stop celebrating the small, unimportant things in life that really make life more fun and keep couples tied even more closely together. I miss those things, but God has promised that he will restore the years the locusts have stolen and that he will repair David's tent, so pray for me as well, as I begin this journey of having a new spouse and having to rely on myself and my God to carry me through the times I really shouldn't have to be alone.
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