Saturday, July 31, 2010

I don't want to play house...

Remember the old song? I don't want to play house, it makes my mommy cry... As I am packing up this apartment I have shared with my husband and daughter, I realize that I have been playing house. I tried and tried to make this a home, but that is something very difficult to do when there is somebody living in your midst that does not want that.

I spent some time alone in my new apartment last night and was remarking at God and how he has so carried me through this difficult time this past year. I also remarked at, though the neighborhood is going to take some getting used to, I remarked at the peace I felt in the new place. I especially remarked at that as the moment that I pulled into the old apartments parking area and I began to shake with the anxiety that I have been struggling with this past month being here.

I even remarked how in the future - when I arrive home late from whatever thing I will be doing that will be in God's will, as I was last night, that nobody will say to me "Where have you been? You are getting high aren't you". I guess I won't miss constant accusations. Did you know that even going to worship rehearsal can be turned into something bad? Neither did I.

Today I ask you to pray that we all find our peace. That marriages will not be throwaway items, nor will people. I ask you to pray that as a peace that passes understanding comes over me, I will notice what it is life is supposed to be like, not what it has been for so long and I will praise God for every moment.

Hallelujah! No more playing house, I'm out to make a home.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hanging in there and getting nicer

Doing the best I can, praising God all the way. Sunday is the big day and I am as ready as I will ever be. Was accused yesterday of "messing around" if you get my drift. Praise God that is false. Do you know how good it feels to be completely in the will of God - except for the smoking thing. It feels so good.

I remarked at myself yesterday that as I said this darling girl at work was darling I meant it. I mean that my heart is pure towards almost everybody I meet, even the ugly people (and I mean spiritually ugly). I have pretty much learned to zip my lips when it comes to those not so nice people and if something does slip out, I repent instantly. I watch my mouth constantly on purpose. It's amazing how when you work at yourself, you change. Your first thoughts are usually nice ones and if you have bad ones, you remember to try to come up with something nice about that person.

I am learning to like me. I'm actually ok, not perfect, but much better than I used to be.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we can all check ourselves and try to lift those around us up trying never to tear anybody down. The world will be a much better place.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It is well with my soul

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever the lot thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul...

Though Satan should buffet though trials shall come, let this blest assurance control that Christ hath regardeth my helpless estate and hath shed his own blood for my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul...

This was written by a Horatio Gates Spafford in 1874 after he had just lost 4 daughters in a shipwreck. Prior to that, he lost his only son to scarlet fever. With his wife and one daughter remaining, he wrote this song.

Can you imagine. We don't need to be happy as I am sure Mr. Spafford wasn't, but things can be well with our soul. In trying to get through this traumatic time, one where I am suffering anxiety like I have never known, it is well with my soul. I am praising God for what he has in store, for all of the blessings he has bestowed on me. I am praising God for the strength to keep praising him even though my heart hurts beyond what I wish I had to handle.

So, today, I ask you to join me in prayer, that no matter our circumstances, that we know and trust that it is well with our souls. God will show the reasons for the things we struggle through at some point in our life. We will realize what we gained when we have lost. I pray for all of us to get through what we are going to, with praises on our lips even if we have tears in our eyes. Praise the Lord!

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I Can't Believe My God

I sit here writing this with tears of joy and awe. My God came through for me in such a grand way moments ago. Without me even asking Him.

Moving costs have me financially strapped and without trust of any support from my husband for our daughter, I need to feed us. I took the day off to go apply for food stamps and to see my doctor for this darn rash that won't go away (pray for that one with me). Well, I was at Social Services at 7:15 as they open the doors at 7:30 and did the paperwork, etc and was told that they will call me back up for my appointment for another day. I'm thinking - darn, how am I going to take time off from my new job again, but then, while I was waiting I am reading Creflo Dollar's Live Without Fear book. All of a sudden they called my name and said that usually they have to schedule us for another day, but there has been a cancellation - can I come back at three. I almost started crying at the window as my first thought was, "Father, I didn't even think to ask you for your help and look what you have done." Well, I of course took the appointment, even though my doctor's appointment is at 3:10. I went out to my car and called Kaiser and not only is my appointment rescheduled for today at 10:10, but it is with my doctor who has seen me for this rash before, not with another doctor like the 3:10 appointment was. Ok, then I started to cry.

I just can't believe how God is at work for me. I need to remember this in times of difficulty because just knowing that He is for me as much as he has been is unreal. My God is an awesome God and He loves me so much that he knows my needs without me even thinking to ask Him. My tears are those of amazement and thankfulness and praise. Even though there are times that I feel so alone and lost, I am not alone, nor am I lost. I just can't believe my God. Oh how I praise Him.

Today, join with me in prayer thanking God for all the times he comes through, even though we haven't asked Him. May we notice those times and may we learn to ask Him for everything.

Hallelujah! My God is an awesome God.

Monday, July 26, 2010

I've been used

I just realized entirely how used I have been. My husband has taken and taken and I allowed him. How did I not respect myself enough to not see this when I was going through it? It has taken for me to have nothing left to give him that I see how he has really not given to me. I think that the fact that I am a woman, and a mother, that I always made sure we had what we needed. Selfish self-centerdness is his core. I will give no more.

I am a member of Covenant Keepers International and was told today by the leader of my group that I should not move right now - let's call her P. My husband is going to Mexico and while he is there I believe he will be attending a 3-day christian convention with his sister. Well P feels that God is going to make a mighty move in my husband's life and I should wait for him to return.

I feel that she is wrong. God has just about placed all of the blessings to make my move possible in my lap. I have been the recipient of probably 3 miracles in the past month. I have been following the will of God, even under great stress. I am a servant of our Lord and live a life of prayer, always seeking to do his will. My one constant sin is that I have not quit smoking. I occasionally when really pushed might let a curse word slip, but I repent almost instantly. No, P is wrong. God does not want me to stay here. God has not told me to stop standing for my husband, but he has definitely told me to care enough about me and my daughter to get out of hell on earth.

I am pregnant with God's nature and God has spoken loudly and clearly to me. God's promises will come true in my life. Bible says, "Love your neighbor as yourself". It's time that I love me enough to not be used anymore. One of these days, God will deal with him and I hope that he does so justly. Enough said.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all love ourselves enough to take care of the treasure that we are. God loves us and expects us to love ourselves.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It's Time!

Oh my gosh, I am so ashamed of me. But not so ashamed that I am backing down! It's time for me to stand up and "Quit Whining"! God has spoken.

I have been the recipient of so very many blessings this past month, but because I have not been wanting to go where God is so clearly leading me, I have been wallowing in the hurt of loss rather than basking in the glow of the blessings of me following the will of God.

Now is the time for me to gather my strengths and talents and use them and put them into practice. It is my time to shine, shine, shine. I learned in church today that have been given a mission by God and I believe that for right now it is to share with others that we can be led by God to his great unknown and watch, we are going to turn out better than we could have ever anticipated. Especially in light of all that he has given me, forgive me Lord, for having been dragging my feet.

I have been living in God's will, working hard against myself to fall into sin. I have been jealous and sad that my husband has left me out of his life, but I don't want the life that he has been living. I want what I have been striving for, to live my life for the Lord, not to live my life for this world. I just wanted my husband to want that to. He doesn't want that, and God doesn't, for now, want me in my husband's world.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we, when we are in the will of God and are so clearly being led by him, to not be afraid of what we are losing, but to be open to what it is that we stand to gain. Besides, have I forgotten that I love surprises. My husband has long ago quit giving me anything, especially a surprise. My God is my husband for a season and he knows my heart that I love surprises and just look, he is preparing me for a surprise that I have no idea what it will be. I can't wait to share it with you.

Hallelujah!

PS I love you Sean and Patty - may God bless, bless you completely as you are such blessings to me and to my daughter.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Where do I belong?

Reign down on me, reign down on me, here in your presence I am free... That song is ringing in my head. I want to be free. I want to belong. I don't know where I belong anymore. I feel so very lost.

I am so grateful for all the blessings God has been pouring out on me. I am so very grateful. I just feel so lost though because He is taking me somewhere where I wish I didn't have to go. My head and my heart keep screaming "I want to go home!" Home to where my husband looked at me and loved me home to where I felt safe.

I ask you to please pray for me that I find the strength inside of me to feel safe right where I am, in the will of God. The will of God will never take me where the grace of God won't protect me. I KNOW THIS STUFF! I feel as if I am drowning in hurt though. Sometimes I feel as if I am doing this christianity thing wrong, but then I remember who I am. I am me and God made me perfect and whole and beautiful in his sight. I am doing it just right and maybe God is letting me feel this hurt, this forlorn and lost because he has a perfect home waiting just for me. I just hope that I find some of that here on this earth because how sad to think that I won't.

Please pray for me. I don't feel like asking you to pray for the world today. I ask you to pray for me. Pray that I trust God in the midst of this. That I am able to get through this fog of deep hurt and sadness and come out on the other side shining for His Glory. Just please pray that I remember that by staying in his will, he will never take me where his grace won't protect me. Pray that I come to a place where I am not lost, but found.

Hallelujah!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Falling Apart to be Made Whole Again

Maybe there are times that we need to fall apart to be rebuilt. I think last night I cried harder than I ever have in my whole life. The finality of following God and the crueler than anybody should ever have to experience words of my husband really threw me for a loop. However, even in the midst of that pain, I just knew and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has great things in store for my daughter and for myself.

We are moving near my daughter's school as I said yesterday. Both my daughter and I are excited because her grades will have no excuse to be bad because she can utilize after school tutoring and programs if she ever has any difficulty in a subject. We are excited because she can visit with friends. Today my husband said to her that it was a bad idea that she is moving close to the school because all she is going to do is party. Oh my gosh, he really doesn't know this girl. She is a treasure and she is - although worldly, an innocent as well and a really good, honest girl. I will be so glad to get her away from here because he truly has no idea of how his words cut. I refuse to let him speak death over my daughter. I speak life over her now. I am certain, that although I know she feels some confusion over the situation, that she has no idea either of how immune we have become to his foulness. I will work extra hard on me to fill her life with good things and good words. I will strive to only have uplifting words come from my mouth, even in times of anger I am going to watch what I say. I vow that in the moments that I slip, I will be convicted within minutes and will apologize and will repent and ask for strength to not slip again.

I am claiming right here and now that I will fill her up with goodness and she will get over and forget what we have had to live with this past year. I am claiming healing over both of us. I look forward to this healing and I look forward to those of you that know us, especially her, to let me know when you start to see it shining through us. Please don't forget to do that if you see it in us. Sometimes it takes for others to notice things because you are too close to see. The precious healing of our Mighty Saviour, bring it on Lord. We are ready. We have fallen apart and are so ready for your wholeness.

Today I ask you to pray that those that have been as hurt, as my daughter and I, have will find the healing that God promises. I ask you to pray for those that inflict the hurt, that God will find a way to roar into their lives and stop them from hurting anymore. That he will - as Joyce Meyer said recently, deal with them. I ask you to pray that my husband has no power over me to hurt me like he did last night ever again.

PS Praise Report: Today I sent in my legally required 30 day notice to the apartment I currently share with my husband and they called to tell me that I wasn't on the lease. Praise God for that because I am out on the 6th and this fact is completely either their error or a blessing from God because I filled out the lease, was on it but now I am released from any of the liability that my husband might leave behind. The 30 day notice would have kept me liable til the 22nd of August, but now I am just free to go. God is holding nothing back from getting me out of here to start our new life and I am in awe of him. I look forward to being the Lord's Humpty Dumpty.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Lord, I'm Amazed By You...

As I sit here to write this tonight, I am numb and near tears. The tears are not those of sadness but of amazement and awe at how much God is showing himself in my life lately. I said yesterday that I wish he would shout at me but I wasn't realizing that he is doing just that. It is taking for me to truly let go and let God to hear how loudly he is speaking to me. I am so amazed by Him. I guess that is what it takes to really hear the voice of God for me. It has taken for me to completely give up my will and to surrender to his will that has allowed for me to hear him so clearly.

I will not sit here and say that giving up what you want for what God wants is all that fun or without fear, it is not. While I still don't really want to do His will in all areas of my life, the thing is is that I am. I have surrendered, even though I would give anything for that surrender to be to what I want. Although I am sad at what I am losing, I am so very excited at the same time because I just know that He must have something so very wonderful in store for me. I just can't wait to see what it is and will be so glad when even my will, not just my actions fall in line with what He wants for me. But hey, I need to give myself a break - after all, I am human and at least I am doing what he asks me to without too much of a fuss - even if I don't want to.

If you read my post about God still does do miracles, you will recall that he did just that, a huge miracle in my life just a few short weeks ago. Well, today, there was a possibility that miracle could have been taken away. I started being human and fretting and all - you, I'm sure know the drill. But I swear, I was at work, and I might have even said this out loud, I honestly couldn't tell you, but I - in the midst of a worried thought, stopped and said "NO - Lord, you gave me this miracle and you did not just do that to stop before it all came to fruition. I am trusting you Lord that this miracle will not leave my hands." My friends, it was no more than 30 minutes later than my miracle was handed back to me - almost in complete fullness. I will need to pass a test in probably October or November, but this miracle is mine and nothing can take it from me! Oh friends, I couldn't help but go outside to shout a praise to God and shed a tear. I can't believe how much he wants me to have whatever he is guiding me towards.

I am so completely blessed and in awe of our awesome God. I am so indebted to surrender to this, to this something that he is guiding me towards.

To top it off, I went at 5:00 today and found a perfectly perfect for my daughter and I to live in apartment. This apartment is brand new on the inside, in an somewhat ok place to live, and my daughter is absolutely thrilled about the fact that we will each have our own sink in the bathroom. You know the best part is that she can walk to school which cuts out the monthly expense for the bus pass which will be even better. This apartment even has a large patio that I could possibly put grass in and make for a small yard. Above all else, my budget will not be eaten up by the place I live in. Yes, God was there and I look forward to inviting people over to bless the place with me.

Ok, enough of this somber tone. Get ready to laugh now. My husband has this dog that adores me and that I in turn have seriously grown to love, he tells me I can't have the dog, but I am certain that when he sees how selfish he is to keep him, he will give in to me taking him. I asked my Dr. for a letter stating that I am going through a separation, could I please have a note stating that Spike is my companion dog as I will be really sad to even lose the dog. I got the letter and this letter cut out any problem and waived the $500 pet deposit. Praise God - Spike's in. Maybe God even wants me to have the dog.

Today I ask you to again join me in prayer that families don't fall apart. I ask you to join with me in praising God for allowing us to be human all the while we are trying our best to do His will. Today I ask for you to pray that my husband will let me have the dog - my companion dog that is. Please pray that this new move will provide the peace in heart that God promises us and will move my daughter and I to an even closer state and one that shows how God truly can restore what Satan tried to destroy. I ask you to pray that each of us keeps on fighting - even when it hurts so very bad that we want to give up.

God bless! Hallelujah! I am Lord, I'm amazed by you...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Days Like These

Don't you just ever wish that God would shout out at you and tell you what to do? The apartment I was supposed to be getting is falling through - or at least I think it is and when I start looking around for other apartments, I start to stress. A kind of swimming in my head panic you know?

It's not like I will be on the streets on the first of the month, but I get afraid to stay where I am any longer because that gives my crazy head more time to think that just possibly, God is going to zap a miracle down and "fix" my husband turning him into the man that God desired him to be and everything will be ok.

Like it or not, it's scary even with God as your leader to make all the decisions when raising a child and having to do it on your own. Top it off with the fact that you screwed up for a good two years of that kid's life and you really want to do everything "right" from here on out. This looking for an apartment is more than just looking for a place to live, it's looking for a home, especially when you have a child.

This looking for an apartment is also another slap in the face of how sad divorce really is. I'm with God - I hate divorce. It's unnecessary and it's a shame, and it hurts - even when you are apartment hunting.

I think that today I will ask for you to join me in prayer that all those that we know that are married will take the time to guarantee to each other that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. That they are in it for better or for worse and they are in it for life. I ask you to pray for me, that I find a home for my daughter and I, one that will be just that, a home. A place of joy, a place of healing and a place of laughter, yes, even with a teenager living in it. I love that girl.

Hallelujah - I think I will go pray because right now, I'm a mess.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Life Advisors and Tools Around Us

Today I had my second meeting with my Life Advisor. I am a firm believer that God gives us people around us that have gifts that will help us reach a better place in life and that we are to use the tools available to use to get to that better place for his glory. Any of you that know me, know the struggles I face and the struggle I am going through right now. I decided that although I am definitely not in this struggle alone for my God is always with me, I want to be the best me that I can be and to help me get there, I now have two meetings a month with a Life Advisor.

A Life Advisor helps you set goals for yourself and provides ways and means to help you measure your progress towards reaching those goals, or, even in some cases, if those are goals you should be setting for yourself at this time in your life. Somewhat a self-assessment, but way better.

The last time I met with him, I set 9 goals for myself. I was able to meet 6 of those goals and was able to see that for the 3 unmet goals, they really are not meant to be my main focus right now anyways. Guess what though, in seeing my LA - I feel strengthened in my confidence in me. With God's promises made to me and my reaching out to get me through this time, I am truly going to be just fine. Even better for the glory of God.

I had a rough moment yesterday, but praise God, those rough moments are beginning to rub off me much more quickly than they used to. They used to stick on me, now I might feel them, but they do go away and are not allowed to ruin my days. (THANK YOU PATTY - you know...)

Please pray for me as I am preparing to leave behind that which I have known for so long, knowing full good and well that I am headed for a much better place, but still a bit afraid of the unknown, but yes, I know...FEAR IS NOT OF GOD and if God is with me, who can be against me. Besides, God has shown me for quite some time that I am going right where he wants me to be going. I still find it a shame that I have to go there, but who am I to doubt what God has in store right?

Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who need to reach out and use the tools around us to help us get to that place that we are in an even better mode to serve our Lord for His glory. Hallelujah!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

God Really Does Still Do Miracles

A few months ago a woman who had retired for the company I work for approached me and told me that she wanted to refer me for her position and would I submit an application and a resume for this position. Well, I had wanted to apply when the position came available in December, but being as I only started with the company in November, I didn't apply thinking I was too new as well as the fact that I was only starting in an entry level position. Her position was that of Executive Assistant to the Director of the Department of Mental Health. Well, I submitted the application and resume and was emailed yesterday that the director and she wanted to see me at 2 pm. Of course I went, (praising God all morning that I was dressed in a decent manner).

I showed up at 2, walked in and after the general hello's, etc, the Director stated that he would like to place me in the position, would I be ok with that. Of course, the answer is yes and then I was told that I would start tomorrow, which was today. Oh my gosh! He told me that if I had to do a formal interview, then we would do that down the line, but the job was mine nonetheless. Another Oh my gosh!

My heart soared at what God placed in my hands and still is. For the last year I have been saying over and over to myself that He WILL restore the years the locusts have stolen, He DOES have plans to prosper and not harm me. God showed me a miracle yesterday and all I can sing today is "Lord I'm amazed by you." This job is such an increase in level that I can support my daughter on my own with no outside reliance on my husband for child support. I only need to rely on myself and my God to provide for us.

Can you believe this though. In spite of the awe I feel at what he has done, for this just does not happen in this day and age. This is purely of God. I feel a twinge of fear and sadness at the fact that he is saying to truly let go of my marriage for now and to truly go out on my own. All day I have been feeling a little off, but at the same time, I have been telling God, "Lord, I trust you with all I am and for you to have done this miracle in my life, I trust you even more." Never the less, I still feel a twinge of sadness, but now, maybe, just maybe, my husband will - since he will be on his own as well, he will turn his life back to God and to the man that I know God sees in him, the one I see as well, but the one that is so hidden by the sins of his world.

Anyways, God does do miracles. I am living proof. I feel so very blessed and grateful and when asked today by somebody who knew the jump that was given to me how I got the job I replied "Only by the grace of God and by that of his miracle in my life."

Hallelujah! God is so great!