Thank you Lord. I am ok. I sit here with a pretty bad left kidney infection and alone on Christmas eve, but I am so ok. You could even say I'm peacefully happy. I find myself to be such a nut that I laugh at myself and even that makes me feel happy. Really, sometimes, my daughter - who would love to not ever find pleasure in being with me can't help but smile when she sees me laughing so hard at myself. I am truly hilarious at times, even if I only have an audience of me.
It's great when we discover a special gift or talent that we possess, but it can be quite funny when we discover that we don't possess a gift or talent in a certain area. I can sing in public, I can manage public speaking without a hitch, but OH MY GOSH - I am not an actress. Unfortunately, I am learning this in front of a group of people, which just ultimately leaves me in fits of laughter at myself because oh my goodness, I am truly so very so not an actress. Oh well, all for the glory of God and at least I am trying and even if it isn't coming out nearly as well as I wish it were, I am trying my hardest.
One of my favorite moments so far this Christmas is the fact that due to being part of a skit at church, I had to arrive 1 1/2 hours early to the church - meaning my daughter had to be there early as well. I was doing my thing and then I saw my daughter sitting out in the chairs, comfortably half lying on the chairs watching us rehearse, watching the worship group rehearse and looking at home. My daughter, try as hard as she is right now to be a typical at times difficult 15 year old girl, is at home at our church. She loves and knows the people at our church. She is comfortable to half lie on the chairs at church and sit in peace as she was this evening. How blessed we are to have this second home. As sick as I was all night and day - when I got to church, no, I didn't miraculously feel well, I felt comfortable to be me and I felt safe.
The pastor posed this question to the congregation: What was the greatest gift we have received since last Christmas eve? After thinking of this, I think the greatest gift God has given me is my church family. They love us and we love them. The second wonderful gift God has given me is my freedom from smoking. Last night I asked my daughter if she could picture me smoking anymore. She said she can't. I can't picture it either. Wow - that is a miracle in itself.
The gift I am asking God to give me in the next year, if it is within His will, is to keep easing the hurt that seems to make itself known regarding my Whatever. Tonight, my daughter is with him, which when I first found out about hurt like heck. However, I think God is working because I haven't even cringed tonight and I like it. That and I saw a picture of him with my daughter and am starting to see someone I don't know - nor am I attracted to who I am seeing in the photo. Cool. I believe God is working and is going to help me let go. I am going to seek Him for more of this. I am ok.
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for his gifts to us and that we especially thank Him for the gift of His son. Could you imagine our lives without this gift? I sure can't.
Merry Christmas. Hallelujah!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Stolen Umbrellas - No Strings Attached
I have come to realize that unlike my Whatever who almost everything he has came from me, very little of the "things" I have came from my Whatever giving them to me and have noticed that one by one those "things" have broken, become lost or I just plain threw them away. I had - to my knowledge, 3 things left that he has given to me. One of those things was my "Mary Poppins" umbrella.
One time we had taken a trip to Monterey for the weekend and it was raining there, something we hadn't expected, so he bought me this polka dot umbrella. I still have pictures of me on the beach doing my Mary Poppins dance. Unbeknownst to me, the rain boots I bought last year matched my umbrella and I have been enjoying owning and using the matching set this year. Well, anyways, that umbrellas always reminded me of times with my Whatever. Yesterday, it was raining in the morning as I went to my bus stop so of course I was using my umbrella. I entered the bus and left it lying on this rack thing and when I went to retreive it, my umbrella was gone.
Darn. I really loved that umbrella. I know we aren't supposed to love "things" so to change my wording, I thoroughly enjoyed ownership of that umbrella. It was a cool umbrella and I will miss owning it. When I discovered that it was gone. One of the very first things I thought was that this was in God's will that it disappeared. Now, I can only think of two things that I own that were of my whatever. One that I gave to him on our tenth wedding anniversary and funny, the one he gave to me on that same date. The item he gave me really means nothing to me, but the one I gave to him touches my heart greatly because I know my intent when I gave it.
I almost instantly asked God if He would please just for this one material item protect it in my grasp for at least a little while longer. I just don't want it to go away. I trust though that God has this all under control and I am just about certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will wake up one day and this item that I care about will be gone. I know that when that time comes, I will be ready for that. And maybe, just maybe - I will get to that point where I no longer have any strings attached. Hey, if I get to that point, maybe God will let me keep that one last thing that matters? Who knows. But I guess at that point, maybe it won't matter anymore anyways.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we let God's will happen. That we don't feel afraid and we trust when that will happens we will be ready for whatever it entails in our lives. After all, thy kingdom come, thy will be done... No earthly strings attached. Also, please join me in prayer that possibly my umbrella was taken on accident and will be returned on Monday morning or pray for the person that took it, maybe they just needed it more than I did.
Hallelujah!
One time we had taken a trip to Monterey for the weekend and it was raining there, something we hadn't expected, so he bought me this polka dot umbrella. I still have pictures of me on the beach doing my Mary Poppins dance. Unbeknownst to me, the rain boots I bought last year matched my umbrella and I have been enjoying owning and using the matching set this year. Well, anyways, that umbrellas always reminded me of times with my Whatever. Yesterday, it was raining in the morning as I went to my bus stop so of course I was using my umbrella. I entered the bus and left it lying on this rack thing and when I went to retreive it, my umbrella was gone.
Darn. I really loved that umbrella. I know we aren't supposed to love "things" so to change my wording, I thoroughly enjoyed ownership of that umbrella. It was a cool umbrella and I will miss owning it. When I discovered that it was gone. One of the very first things I thought was that this was in God's will that it disappeared. Now, I can only think of two things that I own that were of my whatever. One that I gave to him on our tenth wedding anniversary and funny, the one he gave to me on that same date. The item he gave me really means nothing to me, but the one I gave to him touches my heart greatly because I know my intent when I gave it.
I almost instantly asked God if He would please just for this one material item protect it in my grasp for at least a little while longer. I just don't want it to go away. I trust though that God has this all under control and I am just about certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will wake up one day and this item that I care about will be gone. I know that when that time comes, I will be ready for that. And maybe, just maybe - I will get to that point where I no longer have any strings attached. Hey, if I get to that point, maybe God will let me keep that one last thing that matters? Who knows. But I guess at that point, maybe it won't matter anymore anyways.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we let God's will happen. That we don't feel afraid and we trust when that will happens we will be ready for whatever it entails in our lives. After all, thy kingdom come, thy will be done... No earthly strings attached. Also, please join me in prayer that possibly my umbrella was taken on accident and will be returned on Monday morning or pray for the person that took it, maybe they just needed it more than I did.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
No Going Back and Payday Bars
Somebody recently referred to me as a Payday bar. You know, kind of nutty yet sweet. In my mind - the Payday bar was always the candy bar that you only ate when there were no other choices. Kind of reminds me of how my - let's just call him my whatever, used to tell me that nobody else would be stupid enough to want to love me enough to be with me for any length of time. That he was the only one stupid enough to ever have married me. I don't care.
You know, this life is a fragile road that we walk on. A series of choices, some good and some bad. I was feeling kind of funky due to some funky stuff going on, but I am still choosing to serve God. However, I was thinking. I so wanted to smoke tonight and that just made my mind wander to what if I just stopped. I stopped serving God. I stopped trying to be a non-smoker or to be drug free. I stopped trying to be a good mom. I stopped going to church. I stopped singing on the worship team at church. I stopped trying to make the world a better place by smiling at people I meet or I stopped praying for those in need. What if I just stopped?
I deciphered each thought one by one and totally came to the conclusion that I can't go back to those places I was before I got to where I am now. It seems that everything about me lately has become a quest to persevere and to be consistent in all I do. I so believe that if I hang in there and get through all the hurdles set before me, that I will reach this place of more than I ever expected. More blessed than I ever asked for. So, as much as that cigarette was being craved today, I can't go back to what and where I used to be - in any of my old formats. I am a new creation in Christ and I am more than a Payday bar, no matter what I was told.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God that we have places that we can't go back to in life. That we are so much more than we used to be and that we have a God who loves us so much that he helps us to realize that we don't want to go back.
Hallelujah!!
You know, this life is a fragile road that we walk on. A series of choices, some good and some bad. I was feeling kind of funky due to some funky stuff going on, but I am still choosing to serve God. However, I was thinking. I so wanted to smoke tonight and that just made my mind wander to what if I just stopped. I stopped serving God. I stopped trying to be a non-smoker or to be drug free. I stopped trying to be a good mom. I stopped going to church. I stopped singing on the worship team at church. I stopped trying to make the world a better place by smiling at people I meet or I stopped praying for those in need. What if I just stopped?
I deciphered each thought one by one and totally came to the conclusion that I can't go back to those places I was before I got to where I am now. It seems that everything about me lately has become a quest to persevere and to be consistent in all I do. I so believe that if I hang in there and get through all the hurdles set before me, that I will reach this place of more than I ever expected. More blessed than I ever asked for. So, as much as that cigarette was being craved today, I can't go back to what and where I used to be - in any of my old formats. I am a new creation in Christ and I am more than a Payday bar, no matter what I was told.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God that we have places that we can't go back to in life. That we are so much more than we used to be and that we have a God who loves us so much that he helps us to realize that we don't want to go back.
Hallelujah!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A little at a time...
Today was interesting. No matter what, maybe you really aren't able to do what you think you should be able to when you just aren't ready to do so. Today I took the day off to go to the courthouse and take the "Do It Yourself Divorce" clinic. Hard as I tried, I just couldn't bring myself to check either of the boxes that were my options - those being dissolution and/or legal separation. I swear, I tried to put my pen to those boxes, but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until I figured out that for me to not really lose out on some financial things and to see that I really need the assistance of an attorney to help me in any action I do that I boldly checked the dissolution boxes throughout all of the paperwork that needed that box checked and all of the paperwork that I knew I wouldn't be turning in anyways. Yeah, I was so brave, when I knew it didn't matter.
You know what though. I didn't feel badly about this. I, Dianne Rene'e, am simply not ready. It has nothing to do with whether or not I still love him, it just has to do with the fact that I am not ready. I did realize though that I am getting closer to being ready for something. I just don't know what it is yet, but I am ok. I do look forward to getting out of what I call "limbo-land". I think that part of my hesitancy comes because I think I became partially brainwashed with two marriage ministries that I followed closely this past year and a half. I still believe in them - for some people, actually, for almost everyone except for me. They followed the thinking that God can restore all broken marriages. I was holding on to those thinkings for quite some time and am letting go a little at a time. I am more inclined to believe now that yes, God can restore those marriages, but only if God decides that is what He wants for you. He might just want something else though. No matter what, I am getting closer to something.
The only thing I really feel badly about at this moment in regards to my situation are all of those people around me that just don't get what the heck I am holding on to. I am not holding on to anything - we all know there is nothing to hold on to. My husband, STBX or whatever he is clearly wants nothing to do with me and clearly doesn't care a bit about me, but for me, that doesn't matter. That's his bad, not mine. I just wish he would divorce me instead of doing nothing, but that's ok. My pastor has assured me that God will let me know when I am ready and I trust my God that much to believe that He will. So, til then, I thank God that He is preparing me a little at a time for whatever He holds in store. The world will just have to wait for me to know what that it. After all, I am getting there a little at a time.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all know when we are ready to make next steps on whatever it is we need to move forward on. That we all learn to decipher the voice of God and not listen to the world and trust that at just the right moment, we will know which way to turn because God has showed us the way.
Hallelujah!
You know what though. I didn't feel badly about this. I, Dianne Rene'e, am simply not ready. It has nothing to do with whether or not I still love him, it just has to do with the fact that I am not ready. I did realize though that I am getting closer to being ready for something. I just don't know what it is yet, but I am ok. I do look forward to getting out of what I call "limbo-land". I think that part of my hesitancy comes because I think I became partially brainwashed with two marriage ministries that I followed closely this past year and a half. I still believe in them - for some people, actually, for almost everyone except for me. They followed the thinking that God can restore all broken marriages. I was holding on to those thinkings for quite some time and am letting go a little at a time. I am more inclined to believe now that yes, God can restore those marriages, but only if God decides that is what He wants for you. He might just want something else though. No matter what, I am getting closer to something.
The only thing I really feel badly about at this moment in regards to my situation are all of those people around me that just don't get what the heck I am holding on to. I am not holding on to anything - we all know there is nothing to hold on to. My husband, STBX or whatever he is clearly wants nothing to do with me and clearly doesn't care a bit about me, but for me, that doesn't matter. That's his bad, not mine. I just wish he would divorce me instead of doing nothing, but that's ok. My pastor has assured me that God will let me know when I am ready and I trust my God that much to believe that He will. So, til then, I thank God that He is preparing me a little at a time for whatever He holds in store. The world will just have to wait for me to know what that it. After all, I am getting there a little at a time.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all know when we are ready to make next steps on whatever it is we need to move forward on. That we all learn to decipher the voice of God and not listen to the world and trust that at just the right moment, we will know which way to turn because God has showed us the way.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Good with the Bad
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was wonderful yet there came a moment when it was so darned sad. My ultimate favorite moment was when my 1 year old precious neice fell asleep on my shoulder. I had been taking Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University Class and it ended the week of Thanksgiving. I had kind of felt myself beginning to slip a little because for me, the class was, especially towards the end, becoming a dual-edged sword. Inspiring hope and despair all in the same moment. The parting words of Dave Ramsey were basically to get ourselves into prime positon to be successful in all aspects of our lives and that if we had any "cobwebs" holding us back, that we needed to work on getting rid of them. I decided then and there to make an appointment with my pastor and his wife.
How wonderful they were to take time from their lives to meet with me. How wonderful it was to trust them enough to be totally frank with them about my cobwebs. I miss my family. I miss the life I had. My husband was my best friend and I miss him. As much as I miss these things, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt - that God has all of this in His hand. I see the blessings daily that He is bestowing upon me and I take none of them for granted.
I spoke with a friend two days ago who has fallen into a depression for a few reasons and I really shook him up. I pointed out to him that he needed to flex his joy of the Lord muscle. That he needed to possibly lie to himself until he realized he was ok. You know, if I really took a look at my life, I would be so darn depressed, I might just fall out. I paint it every day so much better than it is because as non-great as it is, it is fabulous as well.
Things like this. How blessed am I to have the opportunity to leave my house every morning by 6:39 a.m. to make the 6:50 bus, walking in the freezing cold, or the rain, or to have to run under the huge clump of pigeons that poop everywhere, or walking in the dark, or the sun rising. My gosh, how blessed I am to experience any of these things. Some would only complain about these things, I find them a joy and thank God daily as I'm walking under any of those circumstances.
Today I had a neat experience. I am doing the program Insanity and am really beginning to feel an inner "core" strength starting to come up in me. I woke up at 4:17 this morning and said "Self, you're up, go get insane." OH MY GOSH!!! It was a totally insane workout. I felt so good laying on the floor when that 39 minutes was over. The instructor on the DVD was on the floor as well and I had to laugh as he said while laying there, "Sh.. that was bananas". I laid there and said that it was certainly something. A woman at work that I don't really know said to me that I looked good and asked if I was doing something different? I told her about the program and she is thrilled that as soon as I am done, I'm going to loan it to her her for her and her to husband to do together. I put it on my Outlook Calendar to pop up in about a month.
I signed up for a Saturday morning golf class at the junior college to help cut the cost of the monthly bus pass (I wanted online walking/jogging, but next time around). Anyways, I am the coordinator of the food drive at my job and to raise some monies, I co-hosted a white elephant gift sale. It was neat that I got the opportunity to meet even more people at my work site. Well, I was in a group and I stated about signing up for the golf class and a woman that I had never seen before asked me if I had golf clubs. I don't and my plan was to wing it with something from a thrift store or whatever. She told me, I have golf clubs and I will bring them to you tomorrow. Wow. I told her that the class goes til May and she basically doesn't even care if or when she ever gets them back. You know, there are some really good people in this world and God will place them in our path at times.
We give and we get given to. Isn't it neat how that just works out. I still suffer, possibly because of the holiday season, with missing my husband, STBX, daughter's father, whatever or however I am supposed to refer to him, but I have to take the good with the bad. The good is my life is just like the song that says "We'll all float on ok... Alright already we'll all float on..." I am so floating. The cool thing is that I am floating on the wings of love and I will take the good with the bad. I learned a lesson with the meeting with my pastor and his wife. That is THE LAST TIME that I am going to go by my feelings. I was about to fall apart because I let how I felt come into play and I was feeling like crap. No matter how I feel, I vow from now on to keep on. To persevere. After all, I'm still walking those 4 flights of stairs everyday.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God that we are right where we are supposed to be to bless others as well as to be blessed by others. I ask you to join me in prayer for my co-worker Lupe who began another round of chemo and after only the first one is doing poorly. I ask you to join with me in prayer that we all take the good with the bad.
Hallelujah!!
How wonderful they were to take time from their lives to meet with me. How wonderful it was to trust them enough to be totally frank with them about my cobwebs. I miss my family. I miss the life I had. My husband was my best friend and I miss him. As much as I miss these things, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt - that God has all of this in His hand. I see the blessings daily that He is bestowing upon me and I take none of them for granted.
I spoke with a friend two days ago who has fallen into a depression for a few reasons and I really shook him up. I pointed out to him that he needed to flex his joy of the Lord muscle. That he needed to possibly lie to himself until he realized he was ok. You know, if I really took a look at my life, I would be so darn depressed, I might just fall out. I paint it every day so much better than it is because as non-great as it is, it is fabulous as well.
Things like this. How blessed am I to have the opportunity to leave my house every morning by 6:39 a.m. to make the 6:50 bus, walking in the freezing cold, or the rain, or to have to run under the huge clump of pigeons that poop everywhere, or walking in the dark, or the sun rising. My gosh, how blessed I am to experience any of these things. Some would only complain about these things, I find them a joy and thank God daily as I'm walking under any of those circumstances.
Today I had a neat experience. I am doing the program Insanity and am really beginning to feel an inner "core" strength starting to come up in me. I woke up at 4:17 this morning and said "Self, you're up, go get insane." OH MY GOSH!!! It was a totally insane workout. I felt so good laying on the floor when that 39 minutes was over. The instructor on the DVD was on the floor as well and I had to laugh as he said while laying there, "Sh.. that was bananas". I laid there and said that it was certainly something. A woman at work that I don't really know said to me that I looked good and asked if I was doing something different? I told her about the program and she is thrilled that as soon as I am done, I'm going to loan it to her her for her and her to husband to do together. I put it on my Outlook Calendar to pop up in about a month.
I signed up for a Saturday morning golf class at the junior college to help cut the cost of the monthly bus pass (I wanted online walking/jogging, but next time around). Anyways, I am the coordinator of the food drive at my job and to raise some monies, I co-hosted a white elephant gift sale. It was neat that I got the opportunity to meet even more people at my work site. Well, I was in a group and I stated about signing up for the golf class and a woman that I had never seen before asked me if I had golf clubs. I don't and my plan was to wing it with something from a thrift store or whatever. She told me, I have golf clubs and I will bring them to you tomorrow. Wow. I told her that the class goes til May and she basically doesn't even care if or when she ever gets them back. You know, there are some really good people in this world and God will place them in our path at times.
We give and we get given to. Isn't it neat how that just works out. I still suffer, possibly because of the holiday season, with missing my husband, STBX, daughter's father, whatever or however I am supposed to refer to him, but I have to take the good with the bad. The good is my life is just like the song that says "We'll all float on ok... Alright already we'll all float on..." I am so floating. The cool thing is that I am floating on the wings of love and I will take the good with the bad. I learned a lesson with the meeting with my pastor and his wife. That is THE LAST TIME that I am going to go by my feelings. I was about to fall apart because I let how I felt come into play and I was feeling like crap. No matter how I feel, I vow from now on to keep on. To persevere. After all, I'm still walking those 4 flights of stairs everyday.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God that we are right where we are supposed to be to bless others as well as to be blessed by others. I ask you to join me in prayer for my co-worker Lupe who began another round of chemo and after only the first one is doing poorly. I ask you to join with me in prayer that we all take the good with the bad.
Hallelujah!!
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