Saturday, October 30, 2010

God's Peace

A fellow blogger posted a blog about some things that I have been pondering myself lately. Her husband left her as well all while she believed, as did I, that God was going to do a miracle. After all, God does hate divorce. God does want families to stay together. God did not want me to lose everything I really ever owned, or for my STBX husband to take everything he could from me or for him to abandon his daughter almost as completely as a father could without batting an eye. Or that I should suffer for so many years with the hurt of the physical, mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on me.

If these things were not what God wanted for me, why did they have to happen and being that they did, why am I so ok now? I am ok because God allowed me to go through these things, never giving me more than I could handle and because He is showing me more each day, in the strength that I am seeing grow in me due to my faith, that He is using and will use me to be a blessing to others. To tell someone "hey, I've been where you are" is something that can really make a difference in someone else's life. I am ok because I have the peace of God in me.

I know that I am an extreme having been through so many of the extremes of life. But maybe, that means that I am going to be an even more viable and useful instrument of God's peace in the lives of others. I used to question God why me, but I don't anymore. I accept the facts of my life and trust God that He has great plans to prosper and not harm me. I find it so weird that where I used to long for him to restore my marriage, I am now so grateful that all that needed to be strengthened and restored was my trust in Him.

I had a moment of dang again today that could have made the old Dianne feel kind of crunchy, but this new Dianne just felt sorry for someone else at the fact that they are still in the same place and will probably remain there for quite some time. While I am so far from the old me, that I hardly recognize myself. I called my STBX today because he had said that he will give more in support for our daughter than the next to nothing he has given once before in the 3 months he has been gone. As he answered the phone I posed my question and he said to me "I have to go, I'm in the middle of a party - I will call you tomorrow."

I just hung up the phone and the battle between old and new began. The old me saying dang, there he goes just dismissing me again. The new me was again kind of amazed at how he really doesn't care about his daughter anymore. She called him last Saturday and he promised to call her this week. No ring came from Mexico for her this week. The new me felt happy because - yes, he might be having so much fun at whatever party, that praise God, the new me did not wish to be by his side like the old me so desired to be, but I was just preparing to go see our daughter, my precious 15 year old daughter play a soccer game. A game that, yes, he taught her to play wonderfully, but that I will get to enjoy for at least 2-5 more years to come of watching her shine because she is good at it and she shines when she plays. The new me felt God's peace. The new won. I did not let myself feel badly because of him.

Praise God, that is exactly what I have. No need to question the why's of a life gone awry anymore because I know that God is guiding me to right where I have known, no matter what I was doing was someday coming, a place where I will shine for His glory and make a difference in the world around me. I love my life. I love God's peace in me.

Today join me in prayer for the time when each of us notices that we are different. That when the things we have asked God for for so long come to pass in our life that we take notice and praise the Lord. That we each come to a point where we no longer question why, but we just accept what is and find God's peace - it will come.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Making a Difference

I have been so swamped at work this past few days, today was no different and I found myself racing out of the building to catch my bus. What a day to have no time to use the restroom before I left as the bus turned out to be a half hour late, but that's a totally different story. Well, anyways, as I got in and sat down in my very late to arrive bus, a woman I don't recall ever seeing before sat next to me.

Although most of the people on my bus to and from work are regulars, I have only talked to two of them before and my morning ride is usually spent reading for the New Testament Challenge at church and on the way home I sleep. God must be with me because I fall asleep about 4 minutes after getting on the bus and wake up always right before my stop. I had to laugh one day as an older regular gentleman sat next to me and said "don't worry, I won't talk to you, I know you fall asleep." For all I know, I am known as the sleeper.

Well anyways, this woman knew me differently - I really don't know from where. But she sat next to me and said. "I have to tell you something. I always see you smiling and just wanted you to know that it makes me happy. " Despite wondering where she saw me, I couldn't help but smile at her as I told her about how important God is to me. Guess what? She listened and even asked me where I went to church. I felt happy that what I feel on the inside is showing on the outside.

I just love what God is doing in my life. I am so grateful that He has brought me to where I am today. My job is "ending" and I will lose the out of class pay that I have been earning that makes it so I can live and even at living, I am right on the edge. I am unable to take the test to actually be "qualified" to keep my job until it is offered in either late November or December. Well, if this pay ends I would humanly have reason to worry. I am not afraid. I am not playing with God. He is not messing with me either. Yes, He lets me go through stuff, but I am learning more and more that the stuff I have gone through has made me the kind of woman that the woman on the bus sees smiling. It can't be all that bad then. I will be ok and God has my back.

I have volunteered to work at the Convoy of Hope to be held next Saturday. I will be working in the prayer tent and attended training tonight to be better prepared to do so. As I sat in training I was just about ready to cry as the thought came to me that possibly, one of my dreams of leading someone to Christ might just come true next weekend. About 10,000 people are expected and all have to pass through this tent to get to the exit. There are about 60-80 volunteers who will work in pairs. Chances are that God is going to place me in the right place for a person who might just be going through some of the things I have gone through that I can provide hope for, that I can lead to know the way, the truth and the life. Oh my gosh. I can only just trust God that He will use me in a mighty way for His glory to bring just one more person to know Him. A person that someone might see on a bus someday and turn to them and thank them for being remarkable to them because they are always seen smiling. God is truly good.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for Convoy of Hope. That their need for lunches for workers on Thursday and Friday is met. That the financial cost of the fencing is covered. That there will be enough groceries for all. That many people come to know Christ that day.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Addendum to the day

Oh my gosh, call me a dweeb or whatever (I prefer to think of myself as a relentless woman of faith), but I have been looking forward to tonight's Experiencing the Spirit service all week long. I was not disappointed. What a blessing to be in the midst of other church family members and hear what God is doing in their lives as well as share what He is speaking to me.

In light of my meltdown today, one of the questions pastor asked us to pose to ourselves is this: What is limiting me from greater fruitfulness? I know the answer and it is my own unbelief. What do I have to fear? Nothing because if I am believing God for His word, I am trusting each and every one of His promises. For the most part, I do. God is not going to leave me in a state of hurt, this is - we all know I frequently speak of the valleys and mountaintops, well this is a valley. I trust God will be with me as I walk through it.

Pastor pointed out to us how we can not go back to what we used to be once we have known Christ. I know that to be true because every time I try to run, he never lets go and I find myself turning right back to him. I know that as well in my marriage, that I can not go back to what I used to be in it or what it was. I also know that right now, God does not want me to. So, for now, I am going to lift up my face and trust in God's promises and ask Him each and every step of my travels to be with me and show me what it is He wants me to see and to do. After all, I am created for His delight and for His use, not my own and I am no longer my own. I am His.

Tonight join me in prayer thanking God for those days that He restores us and brings us back to what we know, but sometimes lose sight of. Thank God that He never wastes a hurt and that He will bring us to a place, once we get through our hurts to where we will be of use to someone someday who may suffer just as we are now. Join with me in prayer that we always remember those times are just valleys and that a mountaintop will come.

Thank you Father for Experiencing the Spirit Services. Maybe one of you that are reading this that don't go to my church will join me for next month's service, I promise that you will leave differently than you entered.

Hallelujah!

Meltdowns and Grilled Cheese

The other day I blogged on how I am a firmly rooted tree. Thank God I am because I think that today I would fallen over. Hello Mr. Meltdown! Well, thanks to some wonderful women at church, they got me to remember those strong roots and let me know that it was ok to feel what I am feeling.

I guess that's the case at times, we need to know that it's ok to not be always on top. I messed up on a worship song, that didn't make me feel any better, but it also might have been the catalyst that helped me to go through this - I guess stage of grief. I will not lie, I miss my husband. Again, though, my Life Advisor taught me the pros and cons and I know that what I am missing is my vision of what should have and could have been had I been dealing with anything in the norm. Those things far outweight what really was. None the less, this crap hurts and I guess I need to feel it to get over it. So, I felt it in the safest place to be. Church.

I think what put me over the edge was when Pastor said as long as we honor God, nothing is impossible. Darn it, that is what I have been doing and for so long I was trusting that he would restore my marriage. I guess I just need to change what I think is impossible and since I am honoring God with all I am, he will work on it. Right now, I think it is impossible that I will ever stop loving my husband or wishing that he would have just let love flow rather than let love go. Anyways... I am told by a new friend that it takes about a year and a half. Dang, seems so far off.

The service today was about servanthood. How servanthood brings happiness, generates harmony in relationships and changes the world. I think I'll start servanthood in this moment by making my daughter a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup. What are you going to do?

Today join me in prayer for the impossible to be realized in our lives. That we give our lives to servanthood and that we honor God for what and who He is.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 22, 2010

I Am a Tree

This past week of the pressure that I dealt with and that I caused someone else, I sought counsel with a girlfriend who prayed with me and mentioned the tree that sways with the wind, but is firmly rooted. Last night at worship rehearsal, after telling my fellow singer of my week and my struggles, she said let's pray right now and again, when prayed for I was reminded to be as a tree that sways with the wind, but is firmly rooted. When she was done praying I told her about my other friend praying the same thing and she said that this was God putting words into her mouth because she didn't even have the right words to say and the words weren't hers.

I get it God. You want me to be a tree. I hear you telling me to stand firm and that yes, it's ok for me to bend and sway, but you want me rooted right where I am. Guess what God. Even before you had those words come from my sister's hearts, I heard you. Thank you Lord for teaching me how to hear your voice.

This last week has been kind of emotional for me and this has bugged me because I was afraid that my tears were a sign of fear and that is something that I fight with all I am because fear is not of God and I am (I think) not afraid of anything and try to live my life worry free. Well, I have been told that as a woman, sometimes it's best for us to let go and cry rather than stuffing it in. Guess I've been being a woman this past week. The weird thing is that I have been crying for two reasons. One, because the pressure against me has been great, but the second is because I am finding myself more and more in awe of God and how I have changed as I seek Him more. It has been a week of amazement on my part because of the awe factor.

Had a totally blessed day today. Went with a new friend to a driving range and really enjoyed that first for me and I didn't even really suck at it. Thank you college class 20 years ago for teaching me form. Went with the same friend to get a flu shot - hey, that's way better than going alone. Then went to dim sum together. That was really enjoyable. All in all, it was really nice to get to know him a bit more. We are going to start running together to help me be able to run a 13 mile marathon in March. I'm looking forward to being able to do this.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all become like trees and stay rooted in what's right in our lives. That we all know we can bend and sway, but that we don't have to move and flit around. Join me in prayer thanking God for friends, new and old in our lives that provide us with pleasure and fun.

Hallelujah!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Stand Still and Stay

This past few days have been filled with an intense pressure to give in to something that I know with all I am is not what I should do. When the pressure rises to it's strongest, I hear this voice within me that screams at me to "Stand Still and Stay" to not give up or give in.

There was a time when a self-assessment of my life and of the things I did in it would not bring about the best answers. That is no longer true. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not what I used to be. I know that I am not doing things outside of God's will. Not occasionally, more like not at all. The weird thing is is that I always thought that to live like I am living now would make me "not cool." Guess what, I'm still cool, well, cool just like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but I'm not a dweeb or anything.

So, for now, no matter the pressure against me, I am just going to stand still and stay. God is speaking through my heart and I hear him, and really, it is quite amazing to me how He is not giving me anything more than I can handle. As well for now, I am going to have fun in a totally new "cool" way. Golfing with a buddy on Friday, soccer on Saturday, another blessed service I am sure on Sunday (man last Sunday was awesome). Life lived, the way God intended. Doing my best, serving Him, putting Him first and listening, always listening for His voice to guide me, just as I am doing.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we stand still and stay when we know that what we are doing is correct and within God's will. That we learn to listen for and hear His voice. That we learn to be comfortable in what He is creating us to be.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

So Far From Perfect and Lessons Learned

Well, today I blew it, but I did the best I could to remedy my mess up. I thought somebody was picking on me and being the new, strong Dianne, I did as the bible said and "confronted my brother in private". Well, I was wrong and ended up having to apologize. Not cool on my part. But I learned something.

I have been under extreme pressure this last few days and have had to withstand quite a storm, something I am continuing to do, but something that, nonetheless has placed a bit of pressure on me. In the midst of this, I took something that was said to me COMPLETELY WRONG! I handled it wrong. The ways I handled it wrong were as follows. 1) I forgot to run my response through my "filter" of my friends. 2) I forgot to use my "I" statements, which would have completely avoided the other party feeling attacked. 3) It was pointed out to me by the other party that I took them off guard and should have talked to them prior to acting hastily. All of these three things were definitely my bad.

Well, I again proved to myself and to others, that I am so far from perfect. This made me feel badly with myself that I blew it so greatly. But in the moments that I felt like crap about my mistake, and yes, I even cried at my disappointment in me, I still had this fight in me that the original pressure I am dealing with as well as this new one, I am not going to give in. I am so glad that I serve such a redeeming God as well. How great it is when it shines so loud and clear that "He will give us no more than we can handle." Even though I still saw the glimmer of hope, I, for a moment felt almost hopeless. In that very moment, something came through to me that brought me to tears, once again (twice in a day, dang, I'm on a roll) in awe of how He really does give us no more than we can handle.

What an affirmation to keep on when we are given that break. Yes, even in the midst of one of my biggest of late screw ups and a really difficult life pressure, I was given a break. It's at those times that I can't help but sing "You Are Amazing" or "How Great Thou Art". Wow. Now, hopefully the other party will forgive me and realize that the good in me outweighs the bad as well as they will not harden their heart towards me, but that is completely up to them and only something I can hope for the best in those two matters. I am so not perfect, but at least I am learning along the way.

Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord just for who He is. Let's thank him for the times he gives us the breaks we need to let us know that we are not hopeless and that we are on the right paths, even if we screw up.

Hallelujah!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dang...

I can't imagine having missed today's church service. The Holy Spirit was coarsing through the place, through the people singing praises, through my pastor giving the message. Oh my gosh, it was exactly what I needed. I am so blessed to have been there.

Today Pastor spoke about perseverance, telling us to persevere in our prayer, in our spiritual growth and in our times of failure and loss. The best moment for me came when he spoke of how when failure or loss comes into our lives, that those are just times of feedback. Pastor said how failures in life can lead to resurrections. What hope came to my heart. I am on the right path.

Heck, I know failure, I am so enjoying the resurrection of me for God's glory. Today's service gave me more strength to continue on my path of overcoming my failures and losses. I know that I am not going to quite and that I am going to keep on, but it is so nice to feel that holy spirit all around my whole church family and to realize that I am an integral part of them and that as much as I love and care about each and every one of them, they care about me as well. Dang, it's going to be a great week. I have been recharged!!!

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that the same Holy Spirit that flowed in church today will make himself present in our homes and lives so that we can be lights in whatever we do until we meet again to be recharged. I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for imparting messages to our pastors that touch us so deeply as to move and give us the strength to keep being the best we can be.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Maybe I'm Just Messed, or Maybe God is Talking

Something has been weighing on my heart the past few days. I have been struggling with the fact that I miss what should have been with my husband and some of the things that were. Then I wake up and realize that the things that were weigh far less than the things that should have been. And being as I don't want my past pain to be my point of reference, I try to brush this stuff and tell the Lord that "Hey, this hurts, but I know you've got me covered." So, anyways, yes, I crunch at times even now when I know I have come so far.

It's funny how in the crunch times, little things seem to come at you more. Today I was cold and I reached in blindly to my sock space (tons of socks in there) and pulled out, none other than a pair of his socks. The socks that I loved, the socks that I always used when I was cold and the socks he put on my feet after our daughter was born to help warm me up. (Different pair of socks, just the same brand that I loved). Little things have been coming at me that just keep reminding me of him. When that happens I wonder why and I kind of have deducted that at those times God wants me to pray for him, so I do - shooting in a little prayer for myself as well to get me through those moments.

Anyways, I was in the presence of a young couple this past week and I couldn't help but notice that the wife was not edifying her husband with either her words or her gestures. I know this woman and know some of her own struggles and couldn't help but feel that her responses and actions towards him were from her own insecurites. I could not sleep the other night as I just felt that God was telling me to talk to her. I don't know if it comes from the fact that I so believe in marriages lasting, but I just thought that maybe I could share a few insights with her. After all Titus 2:4 clearly states these older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children. Due to the fact that I could not sleep over this coursing through my heart and mind, I feel that God is telling me to spend a moment with her. Or, am I just so messed up over losing my marriage that I just don't want her to ever go through a divorce. Either way, it sounds to me like I can say a few things in love, love for her and love for her family.

Talk about putting the bible in action. What a scary thing to do.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we are able to leave out band-aids alone. That we don't keep lifting them up to show everybody our owies which slows the healing process. That for those times when we need to change the band-aids, that we do so and do it quickly, so that the healing process can be hastened. Join me in prayer that for the times when our owies start seeping out that we, if necessary, seek help in our healing so that underlying infections don't develop and that we have equipped ourselves with the knowledge of where to go in those times. Join me in prayer that if God speaks to our hearts, we put our own fears aside and trust Him that the outcomes will be ok.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm Not Going Anywhere

There is a woman at work that I completely bother. I can feel it all the time that no matter how much I stay, she would much rather I go away. I find it so funny that she really doesn't bother me in return. Others notice as well that she doesn't say the best of things to me, but guess what? I don't care. She has no reason to dislike me other than the fact that I rub her the wrong way and that doesn't bother me because I understand. We've all had someone in our life that rubs us wrong. Ha, I'm now on the other end of that stick and am laughing because just because someone rubs us wrong doesn't mean that we rub them wrong because she really doesn't bother me. Besides, I actually like her and I actually care deeply about her and I think that she makes a wonderful difference to her family and to her world. I used to get a little bothered that once she found out I was a christian she seemed to find pleasure in using foul words around me, but you know, I just prayed about it, ignored it and kept on loving her in my Dianne fashion. One thing I had to laugh about is that there is another woman that gets so bothered about the little things she says that she was starting to fight my "battles" for me and get upset at her and say things to her. I told her, don't worry about it, that I was ok and that those things don't bother me. The funny thing is that they don't. I really do care about this lady, she is a loving person and makes such a great difference in her family that I rejoice in the love she shows them, just because she doesn't like me, oh well.

I crack myself up at times. God in my life makes me laugh as well. Not only has he given me the strength to "Stay" during times of trial, He has given me the strength to "Stay" during parts of life that many would walk away from. This strength is rising up in me throughout different parts of my life. I am "choosing" to be strong in His strength. I am loving piggybacking on God. And I am loving adding the words "I choose" to my life because we do have choices and the way that I think is that these choices can be difficult or as simple as I choose to love this woman no matter how she feels about me. (I actually think she likes me, I just rub her wrong.) How cool is it though that we don't have to fight battles, that we can stand and "Stay" and people must go around us, and as long as we are staying in the Light that we are ok. That's one thing we must remember and check ourselves for, I have not once stood in her way and stayed there just to bug her because I knew it would. We can not try to bother others, but I think that is why I am blogging about this because I have never tried to do that, I am sheerly remarking that I bug her just because I am me.

My job - the one that I obtained that allowed for me to financially move out in August to start this new life, is still not mine. I have yet to take the test that I must place in the top three ranks that will allow for me to my position. You know, I could stress and fuss and be worried, but I am remarking that I am not. The financial difference will definitely put a huge strain on me, beyond what I think we can manage, but you know what, God will find a way and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I'm not saying that it isn't on my mind the importance of me doing my best, but isn't that supposed to be on our mind always anyways? Just another part of life isn't it.

Today is going to be such a blessed day. I just listened to an empowering message by Matthew Hagee (when that man opens his mouth to sing, I think angels pop out in his voice.) My daughter woke up in a relatively good mood. I am going to hang with girlfriends tonight and we are going to make vision boards together and eat lots of good food. Life is good and I'm not going anywhere that is going to take me out of God's will for it. No, I'm definitely not going anywhere.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the people in our lives that we rub the wrong way. That we stand and love them just the same and no matter what. Join me in prayer for times that we need to just trust God to avoid bringing unnecessary stress in our lives. That we learn to enjoy the piggyback rides of our lives and just relax and be thankful for the freedom from having to walk through the hard parts because He is doing it for us.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Safest Place to Be

What a great day this has been, actually what a great week. I am completely marveling at how wonderful it is to be living a life in God's will. Alas, perfection eludes me, but for the most part, I'm doing ok. Monday night was my first night of my 6 week long "Freedom from Smoking" class and our official quit date is October 25. Come that morning, I am planning on waking up for the first day of the rest of my life to be free from smoking. I know completely that this won't be easy, but I also know that my service to God will be with all I am once I make this step and I know that He is worth the struggle I am sure that I am going to be facing to make this happen. Heck, it's better than nails driven through my hands isn't it.

I had a friend tell me recently that he found his sanctuary in running. I am hoping that running is going to be something I find myself doing in the near future. I don't know why, but it has been calling me since Spring. I keep having this mental picture of me running and I hope that it is something I find myself doing in the next few months. I want to come to that place that joggers talk about, that peace, not that I am not finding peace in my life now, but let's face it, the facts prove that when people quit smoking the chances of weight gain are kind of likely and I am already a chunk. However, on that note I realized what a chunk I am the other day and began taking measures to remedy the situation. Hello my Empower Core Ball - it's already working (Praise the Lord), I see Miss Muffin getting a little smaller.

Today at work, I started getting this new feeling of strength. All week long I have been praying harder than normal as I am walking to work that God will show me what I need to know, show me how to serve Him on the job. That He will use me in the workplace. This week it seems that the knowledge I have gained is starting to fit together and I am starting to understand more. The other day I went to a woman's office area (I don't really know her) and on her desk she had a bible and I commented on it. We small talked for a moment and she mentioned that she was having some rough times on the job - at that moment, I walked back to her and told her quietly "The safest place to be during times of peril is right in the middle of God's will". (I have this posted on my computer at work and isn't it the truth?)

Today that woman called me for business and it was neat to hear as we went to say goodbye, she thanked me for being just what she needed in that moment and told me how the words with me have carried her through the week. Wow, God used me. How exciting that something that he filled me with ran over to her and helped her along and that she was so happy to have found a fellow christian on the job. Praise the Lord. God used me. Isn't that what it's all about?

I am still remarking on how hard the last two weeks were for me and how I CHOSE (key word there) to sit it out, kind of lay low with God and if I can say this, relax through the difficulty trusting that I would get something good out of it for His glory. What greatness I got, all because I made a choice. I got the greatness of knowing that He will carry us through those yucky times and that we don't have to let our feelings mess us up. I felt bad the last few weeks, but I did not let that stop me from smiling on the outside, I didn't let it stop me from praising God, I did not let it stop me from singing. Those bummed feelings stopped me from nothing. I won! Wow, I am victorious, all because I remembered the safest place to be.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all find our safe places. That we trust in those safe places and that we carry on during times of being bummed. I promise it is so cool to get to the other side after them and see that we are stronger, better, and more able to be a blessing to those around us.

Hallelujah!

Monday, October 11, 2010

A New Creation in Christ

Today has been a day of awareness, something that started coming to me over this past weekend. Funny, I knew during this past two weeks, which were kind of like a valley - that if I just hung in there, that if I just stayed in God's will, something good was going to come out of it, and it did.

I have a fellow blogger that is just a bit ahead of me in the healing game and there are times that she carries me through, and possibly, I help her as well by helping her to realize how far she has come. That's all fine and dandy to realize how far we've come by measurements of friends, or of their observations, but how amazing is it when God speaks to your heart and brings to light all that He has done for you. I am standing here to tell you that it almost always brings me to tears as well as fills me with an awe that I can't even explain.

My Life Advisor has informed me that I no longer need to see him, that I have met all of my goals. In the way that we said goodbye, it made me think back to where we started. God brought to light all of the changes in me. I am stronger. My heart is light and free and is no longer a weight that hurts 24/7. Now when I cry, I am crying - usually in awe of him, sometimes out of life's pressures, but not daily and not because of the hurt I feel over the way I or my daughter are being treated. I have real friends that care about me and I am learning to care about others as well in healthy ways and I am forming healthy relationships. I am learning that life is fun and can be fun without living in sin or going the way of the world. God is showing me that I am a new creation in Christ and I am grateful.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that more and more people will begin to let go of everything they've known and get to a place where they go the way of the Lord and find themselves to be people that they never thought they could be, always knowing there is still so much work to be done, but so very grateful that they are not where they used to be.

Hallelujah!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Blessed Day Indeed

This has been an amazingly wonderful, insightful day. God has made me laugh and again awed me with His knowledge of the things that are best for me as well as helped me see me just a bit more clearly.

I just had the best talk with my daughter. As I wrote of previously, my STBX called me the other night and for a moment tried to act like a friend of mine. That moment as I said, ended quickly, but I knew at the moment I recognized his voice calling my phone instead of hers that something was up. Sure enough, my daughter called him today and I'll be darned if he doesn't want us to go live in Mexico with him. He asked her if I wanted to talk to him, something of course I said no to.

I messed with my daughter and told her that while she was with her friend this evening, I used our emergency fund and bought two one way tickets, and a set of luggage for each of us. She did not think that was funny and it was then I realized she was afraid. It was before then that I realized how far I have come. I was kind of in shock when I heard the news from her that he wanted us to move there. She told me as well that he was asking questions about me "does she have a boyfriend" "does she talk to guys on the computer", etc.

I sat down with my daughter, calling her to me and told her that I wanted to talk seriously with her. I asked her to honestly tell me if she thought I would do something like that, move us to Mexico. She said yes. I looked her straight in the eye and told her how God was so at work in healing me. I acknowledged that as much as I had loved her father, and possibly still do, that there was absolutely no way I would or could ever let him come back into my life - our life. I likened her father to a drug for me telling her that just like when you realize that you don't want to do drugs, you do all you can to keep yourself safe from them and stay completely away from any part of the world that you might have contact with them. I need to stay away from her father. For me, just like drugs, he is not safe. Instead he would just like to suck me back in to a life where I was less than anything else, kind of like dog poop on your shoes. Just stuck there and stinking to the wearer of the shoes.

I acknowledged to her that I knew how horrible this past year has been, because her fear of some things makes me think that she thinks I didn't know how bad it was. I made her comfortable in the fact that no matter how funky things can get at times I am happy right where we are. I let her see how great our God is because I acknowledged Him with her of all the wonders He has done in our life since we moved out. I also expressed my shock to her that her father would for one minute even think that us moving there would be an option. I think what has finally happened to him is that he went to Mexico to "find himself" and found out that he was way more miserable now that he only has himself than he ever was here. That the only good in his life was the good he walked out on and stepped on for the last year.

He wants my daughter to go there in November, but unfortunately, I am not able to let that happen right now. I believe that he is going to realize- if he isn't already coming to this realization, that I am not going to let him back in. I believe that he is going to get angry at some point and I honestly don't know if his anger would cause him to keep her there. When I was being abused there, the women - only out of being used to the situation, not out of meanness, uses to tell me to be better or to stop doing whatever I was doing wrong. I could see how they might just "help" him to keep her if they believed lies he might make up. I can't take the chance and my daughter got it.

She got me throughout the whole conversation. I could tell by her eyes and the relaxation I felt in her spirit. She has a right to feel afraid when it comes to him being in my life. I do too, but I am not afraid because God is guiding me all the way and I let her know that with me following God's lead, we were going to be just fine. And we are.

God has healed me to be strong enough to stick up for me as well as for her. I praise Him. God has showed me how to be a better me. I praise Him. God has such a sense of humor! I praise Him. God is amazing and I am grateful for all He is doing and all He has planned to do.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we who never thought we'd be able to get to the light at the end of a tunnel, when we get there, God makes us laugh. Maybe that is just the joy of the Lord. I pray that God can make us all laugh, joy feels great.

What a blessed day. Hallelujah!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Trials, but I'm still standing

Well, what can I say. Tonight, as I was preparing to leave the house for worship rehearsal, Spike (the dog) was just standing in the front room and went to shift his weight and all of a sudden started screaming in pain. I went down to the floor and just gathered him to me and began to pray and cry. This is the dog that just the other day I believed God would heal and I came home to a dog around 90% there. Needless to say, as I held him, I cried and was praying out loud that I knew this was just another attack on my life. Dang, Satan's really putting the pressure on.

As I held Spike close and prayed over him, I couldn't help but tell God that I trusted Him for healing and that I knew He was on the job. At the same time though, do I, I hate to say this, but do I need to face a different reality? I will not let my dog suffer. I have already spent some funds on this, but as I have said before, the x-rays are $359 and that is before any treatment is done, which will most likely exceed my Financial Peace Emergency fund as I am only on Baby Step 1. So now, I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do. I will start with praying and seeking God's answer.

After worship rehearsal, I was going to pick up my daughter and my phone rang. I did not recognize the number so I said "Hello, this is Dianne" some guy said "hey and then again, hey" kind of like he was my friend or something. I did not know who it was so I said "who is this?" the voice on the other end then said "Oh my God!" I then knew who it was, it was my STBX. He then proceeded to ask for our daughter, LIKE HELLO - call her phone or did you forget your kid's number, but I said no, she wasn't with me, he said something and I said goodbye.

You know, why would he call my phone, call me, out of the blue and act like a friend. He is not my friend. I would not keep a friend that treated me like dirt or told me all the time what a piece of crap I was and treated everybody better than me. Maybe I was wrong because I lied to him. he asked me to have my daughter call him and I told him we didn't have the Mexico calling anymore on my phone - we do, it's ending on the 15th, but darn it. He threw me off guard. He should have called my daughter's phone. No, I just figure it was Satan controlling him once again to mess with me.

I should not have lied. I am so not perfect yet, I was truly caught off guard. I even told somebody, maybe if I would go sin purposefully in some small way Satan would give me a break. He assured me Satan would only strike me harder. I know that. But darnit, hearing that voice - after I recognized whose it was, was not cool. Especially when I know that what he did to us was not necessary. He should have taken care of us, not taken from us and run us into the ground like we were so much less than him.

Well, trials are here, but I'm not going anywhere. I am standing with all I that I am. I will continue serving God with my finances. I will raise my daughter in a home where God reigns. I will pray for my dog and put him to sleep if necessary to not let him suffer needlessly or out of my selfishness for not wanting to let him go. I will continue to praise the Lord. Funny, when I wrote that, my heart actually smiled through my tears. Yes, I will praise the Lord. Take that Satan!

Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord. Even in the midst of trials, let's praise our God who was and is and is to come.

Hallelujah!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

If I were a quitter, I'd quit now...

But I'm not a quitter, so I'm still forging ahead to some prize in store. I just love the poem it's in the valleys I grow. I have taken that poem to heart. It seems to make the moments away from the mountaintops more understandable and more doable. I can do this.

My daughter is making some not so great choices. You know, maybe it would be more manageable for me to deal with if I didn't have to fight the fact that her father said frequently how she is going to turn out horribly because of the mere fact that I am her mother and what good can come of me. But you know, unless I can find a way to help my daughter want to make better choices, the truth of the matter is, she could turn out in a way less than desireable fashion. I get so mad at her because she has every opportunity now to make better choices. I get mad at her because she was always present when he said those things and why wouldn't she want to do better just to prove him wrong.

I won't lie, I start to doubt myself and think that maybe he is right. I can't think of what I am doing wrong in regards to her. I, at times, think that maybe when he comes back that maybe she should just go try it with him, maybe he would do a better job than me. This fact in itself makes me mad too. If it turned out like that then I would be even more inclined to believe that the bad guys do get all the good.

I don't do drugs 24/7, I don't drink alcohol to the point of being drunk, I don't drive with my daughter in the car when I am totally intoxicated, I don't say horrible things about people in front of her, I don't discard her when I want to do my own thing or only pay attention to her when it suite me. I'm still not seeming to make the grade though.

Guess what though, I'm not quitting. I am going to alter her world until she can decide for herself that she wants to do better. Maybe when her world gets a bit more stripped away and she becomes mine or my mother's American Express (never leaving home without her), maybe just maybe she will want to change her ways. I will pray over her (without her knowing of course) I will fight Satan in his most recent attack on me. Last week my dog and my mood, this week my kid and my mood. Nah, Satan, you suck, my God reigns and this valley is just that, a valley and I and my daughter will be "comin round" the mountain to get to that mountain top before you know it.

I see clearly that Satan wants to attack me even harder now. I am gaining financial control of my life God's way, I am serving God with all I am, I am starting my stop smoking class next week, picking up my prescription to give me the extra help I need on Tuesday and I am fighting to change my world for God's glory. I will make it and I will not quit.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who are changing their worlds and fighting to become what God wants us to become. May none of us quit and may we each remember that the mountaintops are great, but its in the valleys we grow.

Hallelujah!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Hope - Can it be contagious?

As I was walking home from my bus stop today I was still assessing the fact that this feeling of just general unease has not left me completely. I was again trying to put my finger on it and realized what my problem is. I have not been being my normal Jesus freaky self. Yes, I have been living my life of prayer, but I have not been proclaiming it constantly like normal in my life and by that I mean walking around my house praying out loud with boldness. Walking down the street praying out loud with boldness. Taking my breaks to go pray with boldness. Yes, I am still praying, but I'm not being strong in it like normal.

Maybe I'm not one of those people who can do things softly and gently. Maybe I need to attack things and my prayer life is one of them. Especially when I am being attacked myself by things like fear, doubt, hopelessness or despair. I think one of the best compliments I have ever gotten was a few weeks back from my daughter when I was being the normal Dianne and she said from another room "Who are you talking to?" I was talking to God, like the normal Dianne does, loudly, boldly, with excitement and strength.

Tonight in my financial class I realized that sometimes we even gain strength from people we don't even know, from the hope we see rising up in their own situations. From the young couple that are following the suggestions of Dave Ramsey with "Gazelle intensity" to the woman about my age that is stepping out doing new things to change years of spending patterns. Wow - how exciting is it that I am seeing lives changed in front of my own eyes! Seeing this gave me hope in myself and my situation because I too am changing the way I have lived financially. Just as I fully expect great changes in my classmates lives, why shouldn't I expect them in mine?

Hope is so exciting. In class tonight one of the aspects that I found exciting is that even though maybe some of the principals I can't use right now, but possibly, God might place in my path somebody that I can inspire hope in, somebody who might just be feeling hopeless by showing them what I have learned. Maybe God wants us to acquire knowledge of things that might not affect us just so we can help others. This life is not all about us. It is about encouraging others, it is about delighting in the changes others are making in their lives, it is about hoping for better for not only ourselves, but for those around us.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even if we personally feel hopeless, that we look around and see the hope taking hold in others lives and that God show us the delight there is in that and that we can gain strength for ourselves while praying for others. God wants us to lift one another up and I thank God that just possibly hope is contagious because when you see it shining in others, it can certainly make you feel better about yourself and your situation as well.

Hallelujah!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Running vs Standing Still

Have you ever been at a place in your life where nothing is really wrong, but you just don't feel at ease? This past week I have not been able to put my finger on my problem, but I have definitely had one or many.

I have allowed myself to struggle with anger, meanness, the desire to dole out paybacks, lack of forgiveness, hurt and just plain not goodness of character. It has been strange though, it wasn't something that was right out there, it was something just under my skin. Most would have never known it was there, but it was. I have spent some time yesterday and today doing some self-checking to see what was I doing that was allowing this stuff to get to me.

I came up with some answers and there were a couple of things I was doing to let myself get into that state.

I am taking the Financial Peace university class and am following the steps intricately. I have baby step number one done and last week did my budget and when I got paid I began following this budget accurately. However, now it is time for step number three, the debt snowball. Well, for me right now, I can't do this step. I am budgeted so very tightly that I just have no space whatsoever to do this. I, at this point, allowed some hopelessness to creep in.

This guy that was a friend, all of a sudden, out of the blue started texting me professing his love for me, asking me to love him and telling me he wanted to marry me someday. Well, this made me mad. I told him how dare he think I was in some kind of a desperate state to where I would actually think seriously about something that stupid becoming a reality. I actually was quite strong and emphatic in my protests against him, surprising even myself with my strenght, but his stuff bothered me just the same. In that, although I was proud of my strenght, I felt like a loser. Like darn, here I am a great wife that my husband completely discarded like a piece of garbage and now some guy really thinks I'd jump at some stupid text offers. Totally got to me.

Normally, when crap would come my way I'd run in some way. Always some way that was against God and against myself as well. As a matter of fact I had a temptation to run. My son lives in Phoenix and is quite happy there and just told me the other day, he wished that my daughter and I would just go there to live with him til we got going. I was tempted.

Well, then my dog got sick last Wednesday night. I spent some money, but couldn't nearly go all the way the vet wanted me to. I am not one to let a pet suffer so I would have only let the dog stay unwell, hoping time would heal him for just another week maybe. Today, as I was self assessing things, I decided to believe God for and ask him for healing of my dog. I believed he would heal Spike and I meant it.

During my self assessing, I also realized that I had been letting fear sink into my life, fear of things never getting better than just survival mode. This made me tempted to quit and run. Like hey, if it's never going to get better, why bother. WHAT DIANNE??? I couldn't even belive my own self when I assessed. I know that I am not without hope. I know that I am doing the right things in my life for God to - in His time, bless me beyond what I have even asked him for.

I realized and remember how God has been answering my prayers and that He will continue to do so. I had prayed for female friendships, I have many now. I asked God for a backbone - to be a stronger woman - hello situation with text dude. I was about as strong as any woman I have ever met. I love my house, I love my life, it's not perfect, but it is a blessed life and it will only get better as will I.

I came home and Praise God, and yes, I believe it, Spike is almost perfect. I would say he is at 90-95% of himself. Makes me want to just stay on my knees. How can you rise when God shows you so clearly that He has your back. No, I'm done running. I am going to just stand still. Funny, for days now a song verse has run through my mind, "I will be still and know you are God." He has been speaking to me all along, I just needed to, and believe he wanted me to take the time and look at how far I have come and all that He has done for me. So, that nagging feeling is being brushed aside to be replaced with how much He loves me. Enough to speak to me through the healing of my dog. Thank you Father.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we just stay still when we need to, that none of us run away from where we are headed, that we hang in there.

Hallelujah!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Dang - Anger Stage again?

Thought I had this one kicked, but just like my constipated dog is afraid of his rear end and keeps running from it like it's going to bite him or something, maybe I should be running too, but no, here I am still standing, but I think the anger stage is at my heels today. Kind of felt it knocking for the past few days, but I think I finally opened the door and let him in today.

There are times when I get angry at my daughter because I see a behavior in her that makes me fear that she is going to be just like him and place herself as more important than others. I guess it is true that fear can turn into anger because I got so angry with her today when one of those cases started coming into view. I emphasized with her that I am not a puppet and that her actions were beginning to show that she felt others were there for only when she wanted, and unimportant when something better came along. I got very upset out of my fear.

There are days when I wake up and I can't help but wonder how he could just ditch her and not even care enough to call her. Those times I find it so hard to not wish for bad things to come his way for the hurt he causes. At those times I try so very hard to utter the words, God bless him, God bring him to you. I hope that God sees my heart and knows that I am at least trying

There are days when I wake up and can't help but be so angry that he is refusing to support her financially. I feel so angry and again finding myself wondering how he can do this to his baby girl, the one he wanted to create and the one he named even before she was conceived. I get mad because I remember how angry he would get and how he would trash the "deadbeat dads" in the lives of people we knew. There are days I wake up and I feel like if I could hate, it would be him that my hate would be directed at him. I guess that today I am just angry. I guess I can give myself a break because I am not perfect, try as hard as I might, I'm so very far from there.

I guess the anger is tied in with hurt because it does hurt that your child's father not only discarded and forgot about you, but forgot about something he supposedly loved so very much, flesh of his own flesh. I guess the anger stage comes again because I really don't understand. I guess I'm not meant to. The thing that sucks about the anger stage biting me again is that I have allowed it to be stronger in me than the Christ in me for a few moments today, which makes me want to cry. I hate to behave badly, but I have, just not nearly as badly as I feel like at times though.

My Life Advisor always tells me that it is ok for me to cry, I might just take him up on that advice.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even when stages of life come at us, just like this anger stage, that we can, at some point during this stage, give it to God and praise Him, knowing that this is just a stage and that He has plans to prosper and not harm us, plans for hope and a future. And He does, this I know.

Hallelujah!