I am feeling bothered right now and I hope to be able to share with you why. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I know that people have helped me along the way, but I know too that God has been my strength. I am a good person and seek to serve God with all that I am and I work hard at letting Him be in charge of my life. I guard myself on all fronts. Who I hang out with, the music I listen to, the television I watch. I take wonderful care of my daughter and am always checking to be certain that her needs are met and that she is being led correctly.
We are far from a perfect family and I know that at times, I am outside of the box. Even in those times, whether I am fitting in the box or not, I am still standing for what God wants for me. I have my own set of difficulties though and my quirks as well. I am busy, you know, the ADD type. I know that. I have to force myself to focus and could possibly be helped with the taking of a little medication, but to get to that point, it takes a lot of effort - a lot of missed time at work, which, you know, who can afford when they are facing things such as layoffs etc, where good workmanship is not supposed to take the place of seniority, but there is still a hope that it might count for something when you don't have the seniority. So, anyways, I do the best I can.
Sometimes, though things hurt. It seems like others don't trust me or something. Are they basing their judgment on past behaviors? I am wondering why because there is nothing in me that indicates stupidity or poor judgment now. I am feeling a little bit of anger, but I am putting that aside because I know the things that are going on are due to love for me and possibly fear on the part of others. I can't live my life as to how others want me to, I need to do what God tells me to. I too have been guilty of being angry at someone for not living their life "how I thought they should". When I realized my behavior, I felt horribly.
My husband has discovered that he misses us, he wants to come home. As much as I have prayed for marriage restoration - possibly, if that's all I was asking for, that could come true. Too bad that's not all I was asking for. You see, my ultimate ask was for him to be restored to God where then, of course, if he was ready to be restored to our marriage things would be ok because God was leading both parties path. I see no indication of this being the case. I see someone who is in the early stages of understanding the fact that he left behind the best part of this earthly life, his earthly family. When he said that he wasn't happy there, I couldn't help but laugh, not a mean spirited laughter, but a humor that rose up in me. "Of course your not happy silly. You left the best part of you behind and did you really think that leaving to go live a life full of self-centerdness was a God blessed thing?"
I am a woman of Christ. As much as I wish that my husband would be the man of God that God created him to be to be the covering of our family, I know that is not the case, nor do I ever believe it was. I know that right now, God is my husband for a season and I am ok with that. I know that when my husband does return, he will be welcome to come to church services, to watch me sing on the worship team, to see me live an upstanding life, to come listen to some of my pastor's life changing sermons, to maybe go to a couples small group with me. Although there are things that he can do with my daughter and I, there are many more can nots than cans.
He won't be able to live with us as he has asked to do. He won't be going to the soccer games that my family and I support for my daughter to hopefully get scouted for a good college. He won't be able to spend the night, at least not with me. He won't be able to come back into our household as the "man of the house" - actually, he won't even be able to come to my place. He gave away that right for now, maybe forever, I really don't know at this moment. God has never told me to give up praying for him, but God has showed me what a strong, wonderful, capable woman I am and I am still standing. I will remain standing. My daughter and I have a nice life right now. Pretty normal in most respects and normal in it's abnormalities as well. I have a wonderful motley crew of friends who put up with me, even at my busiest, a wonderful family that I love seeing regularly and a wonderful peace in my home. I go home to my little place and I proclaim, almost daily how I love my world, my dog, my cat, my kid (not usually in that order, but each knows they are loved in my world.)
I may not know at this moment what my future holds in regards to my marriage, but I do know that whatever the fate of that marriage is rests in God's hands. That decision is unknown to me, as much as others and myself wish it were known by now. Every step I have taken, I have listened to the voice of God, even in my mistakes. I am certain that God will continue to speak to my heart and He will let me know when to let go if that is what He wants. For right now, I don't need to lean either way, I just need to keep going forward, not looking to the right or to the left, just looking to the one who has it all under control and seeking Him with all I am.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that each of us knows when somebody has it relatively under control because they are doing exactly as they should be in life and when we need to relax our hold on them a bit and pray that God continue to guide them. Not that we leave them out there alone, but that we encircle them with love and trust that whatever God tells them, not what we tell them, is what they should be doing.
Hallelujah!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Growing
I have to laugh at the title of my post. As I was thinking of what I should call this one, I was thinking about my life, my walk with God, my professional me and just me spiritually. I'm laughing because I have not only been growing there, but I have been growing physically. I think I must have hit that mid-life women's marker I've heard of all my life, but never thought I'd be in the midst of. I am bigger than I ever thought I'd be.
Which makes me think of something. Just as I am trying to reach new heights spiritually and touch new places that God wants me to see, I need to start a whole new plan for my physicality. So, no rest for the weary onward I shall strive to both those endeavors. Good thing I don't fall into despair easily because my physical self could easily cause me to feel badly right about now, but that's ok, maybe Satan was seeing my spiritual self was doing pretty good, heading in a good direction and he figured he'd try to get me physically. AAAHHHHHHHH, (that was a buzzer). Sorry Satan that's not going to work. I just need to gear up my physical attack against you the same as I have been with my spiritual attack. Give me a few weeks, I'm gonna be back on top again. In fact, I've already won the battle because I see what you are up to.
Anyways, growing. Back on the subject. I have been spending this bit of a silence from my blog remarking at how God is really such a certain, sure thing to live your life for. I have been remarking at how all of His promises are coming true in my life. Remarking at how it really isn't all that hard to stay in His will when you make a conscious choice to do so and stand in that decision no matter what. I won't lie and say that this is always easy, but it is so worth it.
I remember the song "It's gonna be worth it" and think of the times of this past year when I, instead of giving in to things that I'd at those times rather be doing, but chose instead to do God's will for me, fighting against my will. It turned out to be worth it.
I see things around me and how in the lives of others who are going the way of the world the things that I kind of predicted would happen based on the difference of living for Christ and giving this life to the Lord have come true. I am glad to be coming true in the way of living for the Lord. Although perfection so eludes me, I know that there is measurable growth and that I am becoming something God can use to make this world a better place just by letting others know who I live for and whose I am. Anyways. I vow to continue to keep growing, spiritually only.
Today, on this Mother's day, I won a little reward at church for having been "mom" to the most children. I was given the opportunity to remember those who I have played a role of that to, even if only for a short time. I remembered my foster children and it has rehashed a renewed spirit of praying for them. So, today I ask you to join me in prayer specifically for my foster children of whom I only know of one out of the six their whereabouts. I pray that God can touch them where they are and let them know that I have never forgotten them and show them, no matter where they are that their is hope in the Lord and that they are loved. I ask you to pray for my own son who is probably heading to prison and is lost. That somehow God send someone who can reach him where he is, some man of God who can touch my son's heart. I miss my son.
Hallelujah!
Which makes me think of something. Just as I am trying to reach new heights spiritually and touch new places that God wants me to see, I need to start a whole new plan for my physicality. So, no rest for the weary onward I shall strive to both those endeavors. Good thing I don't fall into despair easily because my physical self could easily cause me to feel badly right about now, but that's ok, maybe Satan was seeing my spiritual self was doing pretty good, heading in a good direction and he figured he'd try to get me physically. AAAHHHHHHHH, (that was a buzzer). Sorry Satan that's not going to work. I just need to gear up my physical attack against you the same as I have been with my spiritual attack. Give me a few weeks, I'm gonna be back on top again. In fact, I've already won the battle because I see what you are up to.
Anyways, growing. Back on the subject. I have been spending this bit of a silence from my blog remarking at how God is really such a certain, sure thing to live your life for. I have been remarking at how all of His promises are coming true in my life. Remarking at how it really isn't all that hard to stay in His will when you make a conscious choice to do so and stand in that decision no matter what. I won't lie and say that this is always easy, but it is so worth it.
I remember the song "It's gonna be worth it" and think of the times of this past year when I, instead of giving in to things that I'd at those times rather be doing, but chose instead to do God's will for me, fighting against my will. It turned out to be worth it.
I see things around me and how in the lives of others who are going the way of the world the things that I kind of predicted would happen based on the difference of living for Christ and giving this life to the Lord have come true. I am glad to be coming true in the way of living for the Lord. Although perfection so eludes me, I know that there is measurable growth and that I am becoming something God can use to make this world a better place just by letting others know who I live for and whose I am. Anyways. I vow to continue to keep growing, spiritually only.
Today, on this Mother's day, I won a little reward at church for having been "mom" to the most children. I was given the opportunity to remember those who I have played a role of that to, even if only for a short time. I remembered my foster children and it has rehashed a renewed spirit of praying for them. So, today I ask you to join me in prayer specifically for my foster children of whom I only know of one out of the six their whereabouts. I pray that God can touch them where they are and let them know that I have never forgotten them and show them, no matter where they are that their is hope in the Lord and that they are loved. I ask you to pray for my own son who is probably heading to prison and is lost. That somehow God send someone who can reach him where he is, some man of God who can touch my son's heart. I miss my son.
Hallelujah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)