Still Standing

I am feeling bothered right now and I hope to be able to share with you why. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I know that people have helped me along the way, but I know too that God has been my strength. I am a good person and seek to serve God with all that I am and I work hard at letting Him be in charge of my life. I guard myself on all fronts. Who I hang out with, the music I listen to, the television I watch. I take wonderful care of my daughter and am always checking to be certain that her needs are met and that she is being led correctly.

We are far from a perfect family and I know that at times, I am outside of the box. Even in those times, whether I am fitting in the box or not, I am still standing for what God wants for me. I have my own set of difficulties though and my quirks as well. I am busy, you know, the ADD type. I know that. I have to force myself to focus and could possibly be helped with the taking of a little medication, but to get to that point, it takes a lot of effort - a lot of missed time at work, which, you know, who can afford when they are facing things such as layoffs etc, where good workmanship is not supposed to take the place of seniority, but there is still a hope that it might count for something when you don't have the seniority. So, anyways, I do the best I can.

Sometimes, though things hurt. It seems like others don't trust me or something. Are they basing their judgment on past behaviors? I am wondering why because there is nothing in me that indicates stupidity or poor judgment now. I am feeling a little bit of anger, but I am putting that aside because I know the things that are going on are due to love for me and possibly fear on the part of others. I can't live my life as to how others want me to, I need to do what God tells me to. I too have been guilty of being angry at someone for not living their life "how I thought they should". When I realized my behavior, I felt horribly.

My husband has discovered that he misses us, he wants to come home. As much as I have prayed for marriage restoration - possibly, if that's all I was asking for, that could come true. Too bad that's not all I was asking for. You see, my ultimate ask was for him to be restored to God where then, of course, if he was ready to be restored to our marriage things would be ok because God was leading both parties path. I see no indication of this being the case. I see someone who is in the early stages of understanding the fact that he left behind the best part of this earthly life, his earthly family. When he said that he wasn't happy there, I couldn't help but laugh, not a mean spirited laughter, but a humor that rose up in me. "Of course your not happy silly. You left the best part of you behind and did you really think that leaving to go live a life full of self-centerdness was a God blessed thing?"

I am a woman of Christ. As much as I wish that my husband would be the man of God that God created him to be to be the covering of our family, I know that is not the case, nor do I ever believe it was. I know that right now, God is my husband for a season and I am ok with that. I know that when my husband does return, he will be welcome to come to church services, to watch me sing on the worship team, to see me live an upstanding life, to come listen to some of my pastor's life changing sermons, to maybe go to a couples small group with me. Although there are things that he can do with my daughter and I, there are many more can nots than cans.

He won't be able to live with us as he has asked to do. He won't be going to the soccer games that my family and I support for my daughter to hopefully get scouted for a good college. He won't be able to spend the night, at least not with me. He won't be able to come back into our household as the "man of the house" - actually, he won't even be able to come to my place. He gave away that right for now, maybe forever, I really don't know at this moment. God has never told me to give up praying for him, but God has showed me what a strong, wonderful, capable woman I am and I am still standing. I will remain standing. My daughter and I have a nice life right now. Pretty normal in most respects and normal in it's abnormalities as well. I have a wonderful motley crew of friends who put up with me, even at my busiest, a wonderful family that I love seeing regularly and a wonderful peace in my home. I go home to my little place and I proclaim, almost daily how I love my world, my dog, my cat, my kid (not usually in that order, but each knows they are loved in my world.)

I may not know at this moment what my future holds in regards to my marriage, but I do know that whatever the fate of that marriage is rests in God's hands. That decision is unknown to me, as much as others and myself wish it were known by now. Every step I have taken, I have listened to the voice of God, even in my mistakes. I am certain that God will continue to speak to my heart and He will let me know when to let go if that is what He wants. For right now, I don't need to lean either way, I just need to keep going forward, not looking to the right or to the left, just looking to the one who has it all under control and seeking Him with all I am.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that each of us knows when somebody has it relatively under control because they are doing exactly as they should be in life and when we need to relax our hold on them a bit and pray that God continue to guide them. Not that we leave them out there alone, but that we encircle them with love and trust that whatever God tells them, not what we tell them, is what they should be doing.

Hallelujah!