Through this past month I have dealt with extreme sickness and, what I believe to be, a tragic loss of my marriage. Guess what though. I am still standing. No matter what Satan throws at me, I am still fighting back.
I have learned to not let this world get to me, and as I contemplate what fruit or vegetable I am going to pick up in the next few minutes to snack on, to keep my immunity system on the high side. I am learning to trust that God loves me, even if I mess up. One of the reasons I really don't mess up too much, or even want to is I get so afraid that I am going to hex myself. Like God is a God of witchcraft or something. I get afraid that the blessings that He has been blessing me with are going to all be yanked away or something. Then I remember that He doesn't love me because of my performance. He loves me because He just does and if I mess up, He knows me well enough to know that it will probably be just that A mess up in the singular in that instance because I have this conviction inside of me that really wants to be a living testimony. I really do want to try to show the world what one can do if they give their life away to serve Him and follow His will.
I will admit that today I had a deep hurt happen. My step son that I raised since he was 10 and loved just as much, at times more than my own sons followed his father's path and purposefully did something that he knew would hurt me. My heart hurt and I was angry all in one. I wanted to say angry things to him, but couldn't. All I could muster up was the truth. The truth being that "For you to purposefully do something against me was hurtful in light of I have never done anything but love you. May God bless you and keep you." It was funny in that I got no response back. I meant it. May God bless him.
What hurts the most out of all of this is that I do not care what anybody says, divorce is NOT necessary. If you have two people that love the Lord with all their mind, heart, soul and strength, I don't even see how it is possible. I loved my step son and told him I would never understand why our relationship could not have continued just because his father stopped loving me. It hurts when you see people not follow their own hearts. I loved my husband, but you can clearly see that there were not two people loving the Lord with all that they were, even if he claimed to be doing just that, actions speak so much louder than words.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my precious nephew, Collin, who is 10. He has been sick now for over 2 weeks with a few days break in between. I love my little chunky Bubba to death and I ask you to pray against anything trying to mess with his health. I ask you to join me in prayer for immune systems. That we who are struggling with health issues find a way to get ours up. I ask you to pray for strength to fight battles that we didn't even know we'd have to fight and as always - please pray for every marriage you know that Satan's hands be bound from ever messing with that couple. I have learned that divorce hurts, but it's the surprise relationships lost that hurt the most.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Kindness of Friends and Family
I have been sick and today I was the recipient of some of the nicest gestures of kindness imaginable. A sister from church brought my daughter and I a wonderful, well rounded meal that even included dessert. A friend that retired from where I work sent me a Safeway.com grocery order. I am so grateful to both of these ladies that words just cannot express the amount of my gratitude. But thank you to both of you.
My mother has helped me this entire week with so many things that I can't even state all of them. But I am so grateful to have had her. I don't know if it was because of the sickness or because of the medicines, but I have not been totally with it. I am much better today and I can feel it in my eyes especially. They were so red and glossy up til today that they were even hard to see through. The headache still lingers a bit, but the nausea - Praise God - has left me alone today.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for the kindness of people who go out on a limb to help those of us who are in need and that those of us in need turn around eventually and pay it forward.
Hallelujah! Thank you to those that cared about and for me during this time of sickness. I appreciate it so much.
My mother has helped me this entire week with so many things that I can't even state all of them. But I am so grateful to have had her. I don't know if it was because of the sickness or because of the medicines, but I have not been totally with it. I am much better today and I can feel it in my eyes especially. They were so red and glossy up til today that they were even hard to see through. The headache still lingers a bit, but the nausea - Praise God - has left me alone today.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for the kindness of people who go out on a limb to help those of us who are in need and that those of us in need turn around eventually and pay it forward.
Hallelujah! Thank you to those that cared about and for me during this time of sickness. I appreciate it so much.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I Chose to Love and Still Do
Being as I am sick and nausea has been my best friend for a few days, I was so very happy that in a moment of feeling well yesterday, I decided to do some of my homework assigned to me by my Life Advisor. I went and got a library card and checked some books out as well. I spent the whole day reading one of those books. God must have led me to it because I wasn't looking for anything in particular and this jumped out at me.
The book I read is called "Why I Stayed" written by Gayle Haggard, wife of Ted Haggard who was the senior pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. It was found out that Ted Haggard had a homosexual affair and was using illegal drugs, but Gayle Haggard stood by her husband.
This book - to me, displayed the love that Christ instills within us if we are truly serving Him and letting Him mold and make us. This book helped me calm the voice of Satan that was telling me I was stupid for having stood for my marriage to be restored for so long. Don't worry, I'm not standing for that anymore as I see clearly now that God wanted to restore something but that something was me.
I chose to love my husband like Jesus. I chose to trust God and told him that I would accept whatever He wanted, and even though it hurt, I followed Him and accepted His no. I choose now to realize that this woman's story ended differently from mine because her husband gave her the gift of repentance, and he chose, as she did, to heal their marriage. My husband did not choose those things. I am choosing to do what Jesus instructed me to to do, forgive and love.
So yes, I realize that I have entered a new way to love my soon to be ex (STBX), and I hope to do as good of a job at that as I did for standing for my marriage.
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for marriages. Yes, we are all human and there are instances that we fall short, join me in praying that if this happens that both parties buckle down and choose to love. What a wonderful example of love this book was. I highly recommend it.
Hallelujah! Choose to love, it's worth it.
The book I read is called "Why I Stayed" written by Gayle Haggard, wife of Ted Haggard who was the senior pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. It was found out that Ted Haggard had a homosexual affair and was using illegal drugs, but Gayle Haggard stood by her husband.
This book - to me, displayed the love that Christ instills within us if we are truly serving Him and letting Him mold and make us. This book helped me calm the voice of Satan that was telling me I was stupid for having stood for my marriage to be restored for so long. Don't worry, I'm not standing for that anymore as I see clearly now that God wanted to restore something but that something was me.
I chose to love my husband like Jesus. I chose to trust God and told him that I would accept whatever He wanted, and even though it hurt, I followed Him and accepted His no. I choose now to realize that this woman's story ended differently from mine because her husband gave her the gift of repentance, and he chose, as she did, to heal their marriage. My husband did not choose those things. I am choosing to do what Jesus instructed me to to do, forgive and love.
So yes, I realize that I have entered a new way to love my soon to be ex (STBX), and I hope to do as good of a job at that as I did for standing for my marriage.
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for marriages. Yes, we are all human and there are instances that we fall short, join me in praying that if this happens that both parties buckle down and choose to love. What a wonderful example of love this book was. I highly recommend it.
Hallelujah! Choose to love, it's worth it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Is That All You've Got Satan?
I really think that Satan thought he was going to win when he pushed me even more today than he has been pushing me. I've been sick and been made sick by the medicines I am taking. Now, it might just be that the medicines are not even working because now they say I have MRSA.
Here is a little MRSA information: MRSA is a resistant staph bacteria that can spread easily from person to person. Anyone can get this new strain, it does not mean you are not keeping clean.
I have a "rare case" which means I got a blood stream infection. Well Satan got whiff of what was going on and has decided to attack me by letting my daughter get a tiny spot of this stupid plague. I have been being so very careful, knowing that just a staph infection is infectious, but Satan just wants to mess with me. I took her to the doctor and she has the correct medicines. They are working on my medicines.
Today I was starting to get angry about her father and finances and before I really even had time to get there, God blessed me with a state check I thought I had cashed a while back. I figured that God doesn't want me to expend anger on him. Well, when I went to put the check in the bank, almost the whole thing was gone because the check for school pictures had beat me to the deposit. But, Praise God, I had just enough left from that check to cover my daughter's medical visit and her medications. Back to square one, but hey, God did meet my needs didn't he.
However, I will be honest with you and say that when my daughter started getting the staph infection, I was close to despair, but I - even when the tears began to fall, said aloud, I need to call a sister to ask her to join me in praising God that Satan will not stop me from believing God's promises to me. I will not give in and turn away from God this time, no matter how hard the battle. I will praise God in this storm with all I am.
So, Satan - bring it on, but you won't win. I am loved, not only by my God, but by my sisters that answer my calls when I ring them and who pray for me and lift me up against you. I am not afraid.
Today, please join me in prayer for my daughter. That is all I am asking for. Maybe this is selfish on my part, but all I really care about right now is that she not be touched because she is so very precious to me. I can fight my battles (with your help of course) but she doesn't know how to reach out just yet.
Hallelujah!
Here is a little MRSA information: MRSA is a resistant staph bacteria that can spread easily from person to person. Anyone can get this new strain, it does not mean you are not keeping clean.
I have a "rare case" which means I got a blood stream infection. Well Satan got whiff of what was going on and has decided to attack me by letting my daughter get a tiny spot of this stupid plague. I have been being so very careful, knowing that just a staph infection is infectious, but Satan just wants to mess with me. I took her to the doctor and she has the correct medicines. They are working on my medicines.
Today I was starting to get angry about her father and finances and before I really even had time to get there, God blessed me with a state check I thought I had cashed a while back. I figured that God doesn't want me to expend anger on him. Well, when I went to put the check in the bank, almost the whole thing was gone because the check for school pictures had beat me to the deposit. But, Praise God, I had just enough left from that check to cover my daughter's medical visit and her medications. Back to square one, but hey, God did meet my needs didn't he.
However, I will be honest with you and say that when my daughter started getting the staph infection, I was close to despair, but I - even when the tears began to fall, said aloud, I need to call a sister to ask her to join me in praising God that Satan will not stop me from believing God's promises to me. I will not give in and turn away from God this time, no matter how hard the battle. I will praise God in this storm with all I am.
So, Satan - bring it on, but you won't win. I am loved, not only by my God, but by my sisters that answer my calls when I ring them and who pray for me and lift me up against you. I am not afraid.
Today, please join me in prayer for my daughter. That is all I am asking for. Maybe this is selfish on my part, but all I really care about right now is that she not be touched because she is so very precious to me. I can fight my battles (with your help of course) but she doesn't know how to reach out just yet.
Hallelujah!
I'm Finally Getting It
I got the neatest message from a sister that follows my blog and I wanted to respond with another blog as well as a personal message back to her. She thanked me for sharing my walk and my faith.
Here I sit with staph infection that turned into blood poisoning and 3 boils from the staph infection, nauseous from the medicines, getting to the point where I am dreading the next medicine because I know how I am going to feel right afterwards. I have no money - maybe ten dollars to my name because moving wiped me out this month. My husband left to live in Mexico to find himself last Saturday telling my daughter he would only send child support if "she" called him two times a week. Oh, and mind you, this is after my daughter and I lived for one year in the midst of his abuse while I loved him like Jesus would have me to in the hopes of restoring my marriage.
Yes - if I kept looking at those things, I would feel so crummy, I would quit. No, I am choosing to focus on what God has done, not what he has not done. I am kind of thinking that God has allowed me this time as an opportunity to make up for what I failed to do when my life fell apart before.
I was serving God. Was wealthy with a great job, a great family - owned a beautiful home and my husband had an affair at the same time as my one and only best friend of 25 years died of a heart attack. I know to praise God in the storm and was doing so for about 3 months, but I was dying inside and didn't feel like God was hearing my prayers. I quit on God and told him just that. I wanted to die and believe that suicide is a sin (funny why would I care if I had turned my back on God) and if I'm dead I can't ask forgiveness for taking a life so I thought maybe by picking up a whole new drug I could "accidentally" overdose. 18 or so years prior to that time, I had been a drug addict, so with that history, I just got addicted all over again to this new drug that really messed my life up. I should have stood and served God and one of my only regrets in this life is that I didn't "pull a Job" during that time. Well, God is giving me another chance to do just that.
I want to be a living testimony that no matter what this life throws at me this time, I am going to stand on the promises of God. That is just about my favorite praise song in the world. Today I watched a great sermon and the message in a nutshell was "Quit Whining and Start Shining". I am hoping that I am beyond the whining part and don't fall victim to fear or sadness or despair because I've got this great big light of mine that I truly want to let shine. After all God, I'm finally getting it now. Besides, Romans 8:31 - If God is with me, who can be against me? He promised to never leave us. Thank you Father, and because you never change, I trust that.
Today join me in prayer that we can all pull a Job if necessary and that we can be living testimonies to God's hand in our lives when we all make it through. Pray that we all shine and force ourselves to put away the whine.
Hallelujah!
Here I sit with staph infection that turned into blood poisoning and 3 boils from the staph infection, nauseous from the medicines, getting to the point where I am dreading the next medicine because I know how I am going to feel right afterwards. I have no money - maybe ten dollars to my name because moving wiped me out this month. My husband left to live in Mexico to find himself last Saturday telling my daughter he would only send child support if "she" called him two times a week. Oh, and mind you, this is after my daughter and I lived for one year in the midst of his abuse while I loved him like Jesus would have me to in the hopes of restoring my marriage.
Yes - if I kept looking at those things, I would feel so crummy, I would quit. No, I am choosing to focus on what God has done, not what he has not done. I am kind of thinking that God has allowed me this time as an opportunity to make up for what I failed to do when my life fell apart before.
I was serving God. Was wealthy with a great job, a great family - owned a beautiful home and my husband had an affair at the same time as my one and only best friend of 25 years died of a heart attack. I know to praise God in the storm and was doing so for about 3 months, but I was dying inside and didn't feel like God was hearing my prayers. I quit on God and told him just that. I wanted to die and believe that suicide is a sin (funny why would I care if I had turned my back on God) and if I'm dead I can't ask forgiveness for taking a life so I thought maybe by picking up a whole new drug I could "accidentally" overdose. 18 or so years prior to that time, I had been a drug addict, so with that history, I just got addicted all over again to this new drug that really messed my life up. I should have stood and served God and one of my only regrets in this life is that I didn't "pull a Job" during that time. Well, God is giving me another chance to do just that.
I want to be a living testimony that no matter what this life throws at me this time, I am going to stand on the promises of God. That is just about my favorite praise song in the world. Today I watched a great sermon and the message in a nutshell was "Quit Whining and Start Shining". I am hoping that I am beyond the whining part and don't fall victim to fear or sadness or despair because I've got this great big light of mine that I truly want to let shine. After all God, I'm finally getting it now. Besides, Romans 8:31 - If God is with me, who can be against me? He promised to never leave us. Thank you Father, and because you never change, I trust that.
Today join me in prayer that we can all pull a Job if necessary and that we can be living testimonies to God's hand in our lives when we all make it through. Pray that we all shine and force ourselves to put away the whine.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I see the moon...
And the moon sees me. God bless the moon and God bless me.
I loved reading that book to my children. I loved looking at the beautiful full moon tonight. If you haven't yet looked, run out and take a peek. It's worth stepping outside.
Today has been a day. The medicine I am taking has made me nauseous most of the day. I had to go to the hospital to get my home adminstered IV put in. I laughed at myself as I realized that now both of my arms are messed up as is my left rear end cheek from the shot I got yesterday. I thanked God that I still had one good right leg.
Everything happens for a reason. I think the reason for me having to be home today was because I listened to the best sermon from Creflo Dollar - I think it was called Winning the Battle. It was based on 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory". Praise the Lord. My sickness, my heartbreak over my marriage failing are nothing if I stay the course and stay in God's will. Praise God!
Can you just imagine, I have been in God's will for quite some time now why would I want to blow it when I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt that my blessing is just around the corner. I have followed God everywhere He has led me, at times I have done so unwillingly, but I have gone nonetheless and have forced myself to praise him through my storms trying to pick out anything - even the smallest speck of good to keep me going through them. No, I am going to fight myself even to stay right where I am.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us, that whatever battle we have that might take us out of God's will be thwarted by our desire to stay right where we are.
I think that one of the things that is working in me is the fact that I am letting him mold me. I have changed so very much down to my core that at times I even surprise myself by who I have become.
Hallelujah!
I loved reading that book to my children. I loved looking at the beautiful full moon tonight. If you haven't yet looked, run out and take a peek. It's worth stepping outside.
Today has been a day. The medicine I am taking has made me nauseous most of the day. I had to go to the hospital to get my home adminstered IV put in. I laughed at myself as I realized that now both of my arms are messed up as is my left rear end cheek from the shot I got yesterday. I thanked God that I still had one good right leg.
Everything happens for a reason. I think the reason for me having to be home today was because I listened to the best sermon from Creflo Dollar - I think it was called Winning the Battle. It was based on 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory". Praise the Lord. My sickness, my heartbreak over my marriage failing are nothing if I stay the course and stay in God's will. Praise God!
Can you just imagine, I have been in God's will for quite some time now why would I want to blow it when I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt that my blessing is just around the corner. I have followed God everywhere He has led me, at times I have done so unwillingly, but I have gone nonetheless and have forced myself to praise him through my storms trying to pick out anything - even the smallest speck of good to keep me going through them. No, I am going to fight myself even to stay right where I am.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us, that whatever battle we have that might take us out of God's will be thwarted by our desire to stay right where we are.
I think that one of the things that is working in me is the fact that I am letting him mold me. I have changed so very much down to my core that at times I even surprise myself by who I have become.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 23, 2010
An Observation
Occasionally I will take a moment to go back and read my own blog and in doing so just now, I wanted to share a Praise God moment. I am healing, God is moving this mountain of heartache and I am so cool with it. I like where I'm going, there is so much hope in store. I always find it funny how when nothing around you physically changes there can be such huge changes within that make wonderful differences in your life.
I actually think my insides are starting to smile, even if I am sick - I know that is being taken care of by the medicines as well as I know that the Great Physician, my God is healing my heart.
Praise the Lord - He really is a God of miracles. Just take a moment and join me in praising God just for who He is. I know I will.
Hallelujah
I actually think my insides are starting to smile, even if I am sick - I know that is being taken care of by the medicines as well as I know that the Great Physician, my God is healing my heart.
Praise the Lord - He really is a God of miracles. Just take a moment and join me in praising God just for who He is. I know I will.
Hallelujah
Sickness and a great mother
With all of the crap that has been going on in my life I have neglected to let you know the good stuff. I have the world's best mother and her grandchildren are so blessed to have her in their lives.
Today Kaiser finally would see me regarding this over 1 foot long extremely painful red streak going up my left arm and when I got there, the staff jumped into action, all of them clearly upset that the nurse on Sunday didn't find a way to get me in. I got a tetanus shot and what I was told to be grateful for was the fact that my insurance covered the $1,000 shot placed in my left rear cheek. Being as I am sick anyway and already don't feel well I cried when the shot was given and continued to do so for about ten minutes after the shot was done. The pain caused from that shot made me forget the pain in my arm completely. The nurse was cute when she told me to let it out because they were all so worried about me as about 5 people had come in to see me and hey, at least I made a good impression when they saw me.
Through all of that I hope they saw Christ in me, even when I cried I was praying out loud and I was singing while the shot was being administered. I am talking OUCH! I need to have an IV for the next 3-5 days which I go in to get tomorrow and then will have home visits from a nurse to do whatever it is they need to do - I really am happy they didn't leave that one up to me to do.
Eating has been difficult these past few days and the doctor told me we need to get my immune system back up and told me to eat well. I only wanted some ensure and cottage cheese and some 7up so I called my mom. My mom brought me groceries, and drinks and was amazing. Thank you mother for helping me when I couldn't really help myself.
Through all of this I praise God because this is a test straight from Satan and I know I will win. He thinks I'm down, but he has no idea of what's rising up in me. I do and so does my God. So Satan, go ahead and try, for Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Let's see, you've messed with my heart by ruining my marriage, but look already I'm healing and looking forward to a new life. You've messed with my health, but look, the doctors and nurses today jumped into action and actually sincerely cared about me. You tried to make me feel lonely but look, I have the world's best mom. No, you can't touch this.
Today join me in prayer for mothers and grandmothers that each of them is the world's best. I know I'm working for that with my daughter. Please pray for me to get well soon and that my job will not suffer because of my absence this week and that God will protect me financially.
Hallelujah!
Today Kaiser finally would see me regarding this over 1 foot long extremely painful red streak going up my left arm and when I got there, the staff jumped into action, all of them clearly upset that the nurse on Sunday didn't find a way to get me in. I got a tetanus shot and what I was told to be grateful for was the fact that my insurance covered the $1,000 shot placed in my left rear cheek. Being as I am sick anyway and already don't feel well I cried when the shot was given and continued to do so for about ten minutes after the shot was done. The pain caused from that shot made me forget the pain in my arm completely. The nurse was cute when she told me to let it out because they were all so worried about me as about 5 people had come in to see me and hey, at least I made a good impression when they saw me.
Through all of that I hope they saw Christ in me, even when I cried I was praying out loud and I was singing while the shot was being administered. I am talking OUCH! I need to have an IV for the next 3-5 days which I go in to get tomorrow and then will have home visits from a nurse to do whatever it is they need to do - I really am happy they didn't leave that one up to me to do.
Eating has been difficult these past few days and the doctor told me we need to get my immune system back up and told me to eat well. I only wanted some ensure and cottage cheese and some 7up so I called my mom. My mom brought me groceries, and drinks and was amazing. Thank you mother for helping me when I couldn't really help myself.
Through all of this I praise God because this is a test straight from Satan and I know I will win. He thinks I'm down, but he has no idea of what's rising up in me. I do and so does my God. So Satan, go ahead and try, for Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. Let's see, you've messed with my heart by ruining my marriage, but look already I'm healing and looking forward to a new life. You've messed with my health, but look, the doctors and nurses today jumped into action and actually sincerely cared about me. You tried to make me feel lonely but look, I have the world's best mom. No, you can't touch this.
Today join me in prayer for mothers and grandmothers that each of them is the world's best. I know I'm working for that with my daughter. Please pray for me to get well soon and that my job will not suffer because of my absence this week and that God will protect me financially.
Hallelujah!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Prayers Needed
Tonight I ask you to pray for me. Although I have been serving God through all of this, I guess that the stress got to me even though I was trying to trust Him through it all. I have a pretty bad staph infection and I believe that it was on its way to getting serious if not caught by a doctor today who prescribed me some strong antibiotics. Praise God, I should be getting well soon. Please pray that the medicines work, that the infection doesn't spread any more throughout my body and that the pain eases up a bit. If I could vote on which one you prayed the hardest for, it would be for the pain because let's just say "owie." It's hard enough to have a hard life situation come at you but combine that with being sick makes it just a tad bit harder. So, therefore join with me in rebuking this attack from Satan so I can stand tall for the glory of God. Amen.
Tonight I ask you to pray for my daughter. I know that - even though she won't talk about anything, that she is a victim of the stress as well. She's a great kid, but she's been kind of, well, you know a teenager under ugly family stress. Please pray for her to trust in God and trust in me that all will be well.
Tonight I ask you to pray for her father. He left for Mexico today to live or whatever, but when we went today to go get the last of our things as he told us we could do after he left it was the weirdest experience. This man left everything for his kids or whoever to go in and clean out. Taking a quick glance around I was somewhat astounded at how profoundly messed up he is right now. He is definitely not hearing the voice of God.
However, I was also extremely hurt when I ran across my daughter's fathers day gift to him sitting there in a pile. She had given him a probably 3 x 5 Dad photo frame containing two pictures of them together. This was definitely of the right size to be stuffed into any suitcase to be cherished, but there it sat in a pile. I was crushed, surprised and strengthened at the same time.
I ask you to pray for this man and pray around this man that God convict his heart to right his wrongs. That God deal with him and do so justly. That God protects others around him from more hurt being inflicted on unaware and innocent people. That God protects my daughter and myself from ever being hurt by him again.
His parting words to my daughter were that if she didn't call him two times a week, he wouldn't send child support. I'm leaving that one completely up to her. I think I will trust God to provide for us and if she chooses not to call him, that is her choice and we will make it without anything from him. I told him how dare he put the responsibility of maintaining their relationship on her back. And really, how dare he. God be with him.
I ask you to pray for me to be strong. The photo being left behind strengthened me in that I know for sure I really am the only parent my daughter can count on. I want to step up and be there for her in all circumstances. Maybe he doesn't care about her, but I do with all that I am.
Other than all of this, I must report to you that I am actually mentally getting a bit better. It seems that I am seeing a clearer picture of the person I have been trying to deal with and that God is strengthening my heart. I hope someday to not feel sad about all that's lost because I have gained so much. After all, My God has plans to prosper and not harm me, plans for hope and a future.
Hallelujah!
Tonight I ask you to pray for my daughter. I know that - even though she won't talk about anything, that she is a victim of the stress as well. She's a great kid, but she's been kind of, well, you know a teenager under ugly family stress. Please pray for her to trust in God and trust in me that all will be well.
Tonight I ask you to pray for her father. He left for Mexico today to live or whatever, but when we went today to go get the last of our things as he told us we could do after he left it was the weirdest experience. This man left everything for his kids or whoever to go in and clean out. Taking a quick glance around I was somewhat astounded at how profoundly messed up he is right now. He is definitely not hearing the voice of God.
However, I was also extremely hurt when I ran across my daughter's fathers day gift to him sitting there in a pile. She had given him a probably 3 x 5 Dad photo frame containing two pictures of them together. This was definitely of the right size to be stuffed into any suitcase to be cherished, but there it sat in a pile. I was crushed, surprised and strengthened at the same time.
I ask you to pray for this man and pray around this man that God convict his heart to right his wrongs. That God deal with him and do so justly. That God protects others around him from more hurt being inflicted on unaware and innocent people. That God protects my daughter and myself from ever being hurt by him again.
His parting words to my daughter were that if she didn't call him two times a week, he wouldn't send child support. I'm leaving that one completely up to her. I think I will trust God to provide for us and if she chooses not to call him, that is her choice and we will make it without anything from him. I told him how dare he put the responsibility of maintaining their relationship on her back. And really, how dare he. God be with him.
I ask you to pray for me to be strong. The photo being left behind strengthened me in that I know for sure I really am the only parent my daughter can count on. I want to step up and be there for her in all circumstances. Maybe he doesn't care about her, but I do with all that I am.
Other than all of this, I must report to you that I am actually mentally getting a bit better. It seems that I am seeing a clearer picture of the person I have been trying to deal with and that God is strengthening my heart. I hope someday to not feel sad about all that's lost because I have gained so much. After all, My God has plans to prosper and not harm me, plans for hope and a future.
Hallelujah!
The quiet moments
It's kind of weird that even though I am seeing clearly now how we were dealing with something out of the norm and I am so glad to be free, what was last week a tidalwave is this week a strange pain in my stomach. It is actually a pain that hurts, but doesn't rip me apart like the tidalwave. My main struggle, besides being sick with this staph infection, is sickness at myself for even caring, for even wishing that what is wasn't. For not understanding how people really could not care about those closest to them, especially a child. How crazy is it that I can still feel anything but anger in regards to someone who has inflicted so much pain on my daughter and myself. I'm crazy in that I feel sorry for him. I do hope that our God does deal with him justly at some point because it is not fair his lack of caring for anybody other than himself.
I think I am in shock. I know I am confused. The overwhelming sadness is easing, and the pain I feel is mostly for my daughter. How could I not see clearly how out of line with God's will he was. You know though, abuse is strange in that even when there are no more controls on you you at times still feel afraid of being caught living. It's going to get better. It already is, but then there is a quiet moment when you question why. I hope the whys go away soon.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer again for me, for this staph infection. The pain is about unbearable and makes it hard to do anything but say ouch. I ask you to join me in praise that I am healing in my heart and there is a lot less ouch going on there, Praise the Lord! Thank you.
Hallelujah!
I think I am in shock. I know I am confused. The overwhelming sadness is easing, and the pain I feel is mostly for my daughter. How could I not see clearly how out of line with God's will he was. You know though, abuse is strange in that even when there are no more controls on you you at times still feel afraid of being caught living. It's going to get better. It already is, but then there is a quiet moment when you question why. I hope the whys go away soon.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer again for me, for this staph infection. The pain is about unbearable and makes it hard to do anything but say ouch. I ask you to join me in praise that I am healing in my heart and there is a lot less ouch going on there, Praise the Lord! Thank you.
Hallelujah!
Friday, August 20, 2010
A Talk with Satan, Prepared For War
Has anybody ever tried that? Forgive me if I am so very wrong or ignorant in my knowledge of bible facts, but has anybody ever tried to reason with him?
Why not ask him why? Why are you messing up our world? Why are you ruining families? Why are you pushing for people to fall? What would be wrong if you just accepted your position as beneath God - ok way beneath, and just let it be? We all have our place in society and we all need to accept who we are and where we are. Why can't you?
I hate you Satan. I hate you because you stole my husband from us. You ripped my daughter's father from her. You led him astray. You caused him to listen to you instead of my holy father. You cause ruin and destruction. Why are you out to kill, steal and destroy?
I will fight you with all I am. For my daughter, I am all that is left and she is worth fighting you for. I acknowledge my weaknesses and know my battles within myself. I thank my network of friends and family that allows me to be honest enough about my struggles to tell them the truth when I am facing one of my battles. I thank my Holy God that He has taught me how to prepare for war against you.
Today - and everyday, I put on my belt of truth, the truth about my Lord. I put on my Breastplate of Righteousness to guard my heart and my emotions. I put on my Sandals of the Gospel of Peace to make myself available to my Lord. I put on my Shield of Faith in that my faith is in Him and in Him alone and apart from Him I can do nothing. I put on my Helmet of Salvation to protect my mind from your evil thoughts, doubt and fear. And last, but not least, I put on the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God and is strong and powerful and able to defeat even the strongest of your onslaughts.
So there Satan, come on, I am ready for you. My God has given me this armor because He knows that for whatever reason that is beyond me, that you have no desire to "just get along." So, although I'm a lover and not a fighter, I am prepared for war against you. Even though, maybe it is true that you have won my husband over, I will still fight you, for my daughter and for my husband because my Lord loves him more than the fact that you are jumping for joy that right now you seem to have him. Bring it on. You might have knocked me down for a moment, I will rise because my God is the Great Almighty and I am a renegade christian prepared for battle.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us to remember that we all have this armor to put on and we MUST put in on daily, even if our lives are going seemingly well, there are so many around us that are hurting, if we don't need to fight for ourselves, let's fight for them. Let's put Satan in his place.
Hallelujah! Let's fight the good fight.
Why not ask him why? Why are you messing up our world? Why are you ruining families? Why are you pushing for people to fall? What would be wrong if you just accepted your position as beneath God - ok way beneath, and just let it be? We all have our place in society and we all need to accept who we are and where we are. Why can't you?
I hate you Satan. I hate you because you stole my husband from us. You ripped my daughter's father from her. You led him astray. You caused him to listen to you instead of my holy father. You cause ruin and destruction. Why are you out to kill, steal and destroy?
I will fight you with all I am. For my daughter, I am all that is left and she is worth fighting you for. I acknowledge my weaknesses and know my battles within myself. I thank my network of friends and family that allows me to be honest enough about my struggles to tell them the truth when I am facing one of my battles. I thank my Holy God that He has taught me how to prepare for war against you.
Today - and everyday, I put on my belt of truth, the truth about my Lord. I put on my Breastplate of Righteousness to guard my heart and my emotions. I put on my Sandals of the Gospel of Peace to make myself available to my Lord. I put on my Shield of Faith in that my faith is in Him and in Him alone and apart from Him I can do nothing. I put on my Helmet of Salvation to protect my mind from your evil thoughts, doubt and fear. And last, but not least, I put on the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God and is strong and powerful and able to defeat even the strongest of your onslaughts.
So there Satan, come on, I am ready for you. My God has given me this armor because He knows that for whatever reason that is beyond me, that you have no desire to "just get along." So, although I'm a lover and not a fighter, I am prepared for war against you. Even though, maybe it is true that you have won my husband over, I will still fight you, for my daughter and for my husband because my Lord loves him more than the fact that you are jumping for joy that right now you seem to have him. Bring it on. You might have knocked me down for a moment, I will rise because my God is the Great Almighty and I am a renegade christian prepared for battle.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us to remember that we all have this armor to put on and we MUST put in on daily, even if our lives are going seemingly well, there are so many around us that are hurting, if we don't need to fight for ourselves, let's fight for them. Let's put Satan in his place.
Hallelujah! Let's fight the good fight.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I Am Still Confused
I guess it must be somewhat normal as a christian in my situation to still think that God is going to do some last ditch miracle to stop what I am going through from happening. Even with God basically pulling me out of where I was living with my husband, I still have this vision that it was just to get us out of the way so he could work on him. I guess that means I still have hope.
I think that comes from the fact that I just believe that faith can move mountains as well as no matter what my husband has to say about me, I know that I was a wonderful wife. I think this comes from the fact that I am in such disbelief that he sees some woman that he has created in his mind. I think this comes from the fact that I am not giving all my fear to God and this is scary. I think this comes from the fact that divorce is so unnecessary and preventable. I think the hope comes from the fact that I am grieving a devastating loss.
This is a loss for me. I feel like a loser. I feel not good enough. I feel inadequate. I wonder what was wrong with me.
Don't worry, I know the truth that I am not a loser and I am good enough and I know that God sees a mighty woman of faith and that someday he will say job well done my child. I know how much God loves me. I just keep believing this - call me crazy if you will, or give me space to get through this stage of grief, I guess it might be denial, but I keep believing that God is going to reach down and convict my husband of how he has been so wrong. That He will show my husband that love is not a feeling, it is an action. That He will show my husband that He is the way, the truth and the life. That He will fix my husband and bring him back to us to lead us like Christ wanted him to in the first place. That someday, he would apologize for how he has hurt us.
I guess I am still confused. Is that a stage of grief?
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for Pastor Sandy Reza. She is having her left kidney removed on August 31 and is struggling with high blood pressure that just won't ease up. Let's - as she has asked - bombard Heaven with prayers for blood pressure that is in an acceptable range. Please, let's ask God for this miracle because she is making such a difference in the world and she means a lot to me.
Hallelujah!
I think that comes from the fact that I just believe that faith can move mountains as well as no matter what my husband has to say about me, I know that I was a wonderful wife. I think this comes from the fact that I am in such disbelief that he sees some woman that he has created in his mind. I think this comes from the fact that I am not giving all my fear to God and this is scary. I think this comes from the fact that divorce is so unnecessary and preventable. I think the hope comes from the fact that I am grieving a devastating loss.
This is a loss for me. I feel like a loser. I feel not good enough. I feel inadequate. I wonder what was wrong with me.
Don't worry, I know the truth that I am not a loser and I am good enough and I know that God sees a mighty woman of faith and that someday he will say job well done my child. I know how much God loves me. I just keep believing this - call me crazy if you will, or give me space to get through this stage of grief, I guess it might be denial, but I keep believing that God is going to reach down and convict my husband of how he has been so wrong. That He will show my husband that love is not a feeling, it is an action. That He will show my husband that He is the way, the truth and the life. That He will fix my husband and bring him back to us to lead us like Christ wanted him to in the first place. That someday, he would apologize for how he has hurt us.
I guess I am still confused. Is that a stage of grief?
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for Pastor Sandy Reza. She is having her left kidney removed on August 31 and is struggling with high blood pressure that just won't ease up. Let's - as she has asked - bombard Heaven with prayers for blood pressure that is in an acceptable range. Please, let's ask God for this miracle because she is making such a difference in the world and she means a lot to me.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm Blessed and I Still Suck
Tonight an old friend/acquaintance came over and brought me some dog food and a Safeway Gift Card. His kindness overwhelmed me as he's not one of the rich and famous either. I knew since last night that he was going to come over and this morning I text him and asked him if he would like to join me for dinner. I knew that my daughter was going to be on a visit with her father and I know that for now, it is best for me to not be alone with my thoughts and lonely. I was so happy that he said he would join me and it all worked out - thank God for breakfasts for dinner, I mean how easy is that on the spur of the moment.
Well, he left and my daughter got home probably 5 minutes after that. Of course, I ended up feeling badly just because it hurt for whatever sucky reason in my head. It hurts that he seems so happy in his freedom. It hurts - it just plain hurts.
Yes, I'm blessed and yes I still suck at being completely healed of hurting over somebody who apparently now and for a long time doesn't care about me at all. Oh well. I guess I can suck for a little while longer while I work on healing this heart of mine.
It was a joy having a friend over and getting to know him a little more.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to thank God for all those people like my friend who go out of their way to help people like me out. What a blessing it is that God will give people a heart for others such as he did to us. To be honest with you, we needed it. A few weeks ago a friend helped me out in a simlar manner and I needed it then as well. Praise God we have people who God designed to care about others. May we pray that we can each be like these people.
I hope to suck less tomorrow. Only two more days and he is gone to Mexico for good or whatever, but I plan on sucking less and less each day.
Hallelujah!
Well, he left and my daughter got home probably 5 minutes after that. Of course, I ended up feeling badly just because it hurt for whatever sucky reason in my head. It hurts that he seems so happy in his freedom. It hurts - it just plain hurts.
Yes, I'm blessed and yes I still suck at being completely healed of hurting over somebody who apparently now and for a long time doesn't care about me at all. Oh well. I guess I can suck for a little while longer while I work on healing this heart of mine.
It was a joy having a friend over and getting to know him a little more.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to thank God for all those people like my friend who go out of their way to help people like me out. What a blessing it is that God will give people a heart for others such as he did to us. To be honest with you, we needed it. A few weeks ago a friend helped me out in a simlar manner and I needed it then as well. Praise God we have people who God designed to care about others. May we pray that we can each be like these people.
I hope to suck less tomorrow. Only two more days and he is gone to Mexico for good or whatever, but I plan on sucking less and less each day.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Hanging In There Just Might Be Working
Well, I won't lie and say that I am free just yet, but the hurt is starting to ease up just a little. I kind of felt a weight coming off my chest today. I am certain that without a doubt that this is coming because my Lord is with me. Yesterday when I blogged, I realized that as I wrote the words "I forgive him" I was actually in the process of doing just that.
I spoke with a woman today who told me that she was praying for God to remove me emotionally from the hurt so that I could pray for my husband's salvation for nothing else but for his salvation. I have begun to do that today after speaking with her and I began to feel a bit of an easing of the hurt.
God must see that NOTHING is going to take me out of His will (at least that is what I am striving for). I hope that I can stick to this, but I think I will be able to because as I blogged before, when you really live for the Lord, it starts getting ingrained in you and it becomes you. I am becoming what the Lord wants me to become and you know what, I should be because I am truly putting forth the effort and trying.
It is just like I am trying to get well. My Life Advisor has me tasked with writing, writing and more writing. Guess what, I'm doing it. Just like I want to live my life in the will of God to be able to fully receive what he is going to be showing and gifting to me, I want to be healed and whole. I will do what it takes to get better. I must, because who is going to do it for me? I truly think though, that each day striving to be the best I can be, doing my homework and writing, writing and writing some more, hanging in there, fighting the good fight, just might be working. Besides, looking back is just a dangerous way to live, I am looking forward to the goal of a blessed Dianne who is happy and loved and loves others just as Jesus would.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for God to grant us all the gift of forgiveness. For each of us to ask Him to search our hearts for whatever it is that we are holding on to that keeps us from moving forward or keeps us weighted down.
Hallelujah!
I spoke with a woman today who told me that she was praying for God to remove me emotionally from the hurt so that I could pray for my husband's salvation for nothing else but for his salvation. I have begun to do that today after speaking with her and I began to feel a bit of an easing of the hurt.
God must see that NOTHING is going to take me out of His will (at least that is what I am striving for). I hope that I can stick to this, but I think I will be able to because as I blogged before, when you really live for the Lord, it starts getting ingrained in you and it becomes you. I am becoming what the Lord wants me to become and you know what, I should be because I am truly putting forth the effort and trying.
It is just like I am trying to get well. My Life Advisor has me tasked with writing, writing and more writing. Guess what, I'm doing it. Just like I want to live my life in the will of God to be able to fully receive what he is going to be showing and gifting to me, I want to be healed and whole. I will do what it takes to get better. I must, because who is going to do it for me? I truly think though, that each day striving to be the best I can be, doing my homework and writing, writing and writing some more, hanging in there, fighting the good fight, just might be working. Besides, looking back is just a dangerous way to live, I am looking forward to the goal of a blessed Dianne who is happy and loved and loves others just as Jesus would.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for God to grant us all the gift of forgiveness. For each of us to ask Him to search our hearts for whatever it is that we are holding on to that keeps us from moving forward or keeps us weighted down.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Truth of the Matter
I am going to be honest with you (duh, what else have I been). Well, the truth of the matter is that this past year has been hell. I was treated like a dog, ignored, talked horribly to used in every respect and treated with so much disregard that it hurts to admit this. My daughter was not treated with any kind of real love either. With the help of being away from the situation as well as seeing my Life Advisor and opening my eyes, I see what a horrible situation we really were in. That and even though we don't have much where we are, on a visit to pick up some of the things we had left behind, I took one look around the old place and truly saw how that was never a home. No matter what I did, it was not a home. We have a home now.
Guess what, I forgive him. With all that I am, I forgive him. I pray for him as well with all I am that when the conviction of God comes upon him that he will be able to forgive himself. His actions towards me were horrible on their own and maybe if it is true that I really am all that bad and that he really hasn't loved me for some time, he might feel a little crunch. However, when he finally sees what he has done to his daughter, if he ever does, this past year, I myself would have a very difficult time finding a way to forgive myself. However, no matter what happens in his life from here on out, that is not my concern, but from the bottom of my heart, I forgive him. Thank you Lord for giving me that ability and I need to say, that this is the first time I have said these words, and I mean and I feel them. Oh Praise God that I can do that. Thank you Father.
I take the blame for not getting out sooner, but when you are in the midst of that type of - let's go ahead and use the word, abuse, you keep thinking it's not as bad as it is, or it has to get better, or even, this isn't really happening because it is so not normal. It was his normal. It was what we survived in. It was what it was. It was damaging and it was hurtful, and it was not a cool experience.
However, I must go on and I feel so proud and strong in the knowledge that through all of this, no matter how bad it was, I stayed in God's will. I did my part. I am still standing as tall as possible to be the woman God created me to be and a mother my daughter can count on. Although there I times I feel bad, when I take a step back, I feel strong. I can count on God. He can count on me. I come home from work now to find my teenager alive with laughter, with small talk. What a nice difference than coming home to her being depressed and lethargic. Praise God that He carried us through - and I do.
On Saturday my husband leaves for Mexico to "find himself" and I hope that he does. The one thing I know for certain now is that if and when he ever comes back, he will never have the opportunity to hurt me again. I can't let that happen anymore. I am a child of God and I love myself like Jesus would now, not just my husband. I am working so hard to get through my grief, and yes, there is terrible grief at times. Why did this happen? Why was I so blind, so stupid? How could I have stayed in it or kept my kid in it for so long? Why didn't God answer my one prayer? What is wrong with me? Is he right that I am worthless? All that CRAP starts floating in me.
That crap is just that, crap. I am a new creation in Christ. I am not playing with God, I am for real. I am not wearing a masquerade, what you see is what I am. I am working on guarding myself at all costs. I am listening to the voice of God and my Life Advisor to keep myself safe and in God's will with all that I am. The truth of the matter is that I'm worth it. Maybe God didn't restore my husband to Himself and to us because he has something much greater in store. Who knows, but I am going to stay in God's will and as soon as I am shown that one, I'll let you know.
Today, I ask you to join me in praying that we all know what we are worth. That everybody sees their value and do their best to live it out. That we pray for people still living in a household where abuse is present, that they find a way out because they are worth it.
Hallelujah!
Guess what, I forgive him. With all that I am, I forgive him. I pray for him as well with all I am that when the conviction of God comes upon him that he will be able to forgive himself. His actions towards me were horrible on their own and maybe if it is true that I really am all that bad and that he really hasn't loved me for some time, he might feel a little crunch. However, when he finally sees what he has done to his daughter, if he ever does, this past year, I myself would have a very difficult time finding a way to forgive myself. However, no matter what happens in his life from here on out, that is not my concern, but from the bottom of my heart, I forgive him. Thank you Lord for giving me that ability and I need to say, that this is the first time I have said these words, and I mean and I feel them. Oh Praise God that I can do that. Thank you Father.
I take the blame for not getting out sooner, but when you are in the midst of that type of - let's go ahead and use the word, abuse, you keep thinking it's not as bad as it is, or it has to get better, or even, this isn't really happening because it is so not normal. It was his normal. It was what we survived in. It was what it was. It was damaging and it was hurtful, and it was not a cool experience.
However, I must go on and I feel so proud and strong in the knowledge that through all of this, no matter how bad it was, I stayed in God's will. I did my part. I am still standing as tall as possible to be the woman God created me to be and a mother my daughter can count on. Although there I times I feel bad, when I take a step back, I feel strong. I can count on God. He can count on me. I come home from work now to find my teenager alive with laughter, with small talk. What a nice difference than coming home to her being depressed and lethargic. Praise God that He carried us through - and I do.
On Saturday my husband leaves for Mexico to "find himself" and I hope that he does. The one thing I know for certain now is that if and when he ever comes back, he will never have the opportunity to hurt me again. I can't let that happen anymore. I am a child of God and I love myself like Jesus would now, not just my husband. I am working so hard to get through my grief, and yes, there is terrible grief at times. Why did this happen? Why was I so blind, so stupid? How could I have stayed in it or kept my kid in it for so long? Why didn't God answer my one prayer? What is wrong with me? Is he right that I am worthless? All that CRAP starts floating in me.
That crap is just that, crap. I am a new creation in Christ. I am not playing with God, I am for real. I am not wearing a masquerade, what you see is what I am. I am working on guarding myself at all costs. I am listening to the voice of God and my Life Advisor to keep myself safe and in God's will with all that I am. The truth of the matter is that I'm worth it. Maybe God didn't restore my husband to Himself and to us because he has something much greater in store. Who knows, but I am going to stay in God's will and as soon as I am shown that one, I'll let you know.
Today, I ask you to join me in praying that we all know what we are worth. That everybody sees their value and do their best to live it out. That we pray for people still living in a household where abuse is present, that they find a way out because they are worth it.
Hallelujah!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tidalwaves and Tender Touches
Well, this is my second week on my own with my daughter. I must say that God is there in the mix. I see especially in her, a tremendous healing throughout her entire spirit. What a blessing it is to have my daughter, who when I used to come home after work when we were living with her father, would be in bed listless, unhappy and glued to the tube, be up and alive and actually smiling when I get home from and greeting me. What a blessing it is to be able to walk home from my bus stop and not have a shouting match at Satan as I prayed for God's hedge of protection around me to walk in my own door. What a blessing it is to be able to get near my home and not begin to shake through my entire core. Yes, God's hand is on us.
Yet, for me - while my daughter is healing, something that is so measurable and strong and I praise God for, there are times when I don't think I can do it. I will be fine in one moment, and then in the next a tidalwave of hurt and sadness and grief overtake me to such an extent that I don't know what to do. I have been finding myself on my knees just praying for God to strengthen my heart and praising Him for all the good He has done and is working on doing. I loved my husband with all I was. I believe in God with all I am and believe that he is the Great Healer of all things.
We ate dinner with my husband the other night, something my daughter didn't want to do because she knew it would be horrible even though I thought my husband must have had a change of heart which is why he invited the two of us anyways, I made her go. While eating dinner with him, believe me, I lost my appetite and didn't eat, I realized something that hurt deeply and only God can fix. My husband does not see me. I am so far from perfect that we won't even go there, but I am also at the same time, good to the core in the fact that I am doing all I can to stay in God's will. My husband sees this woman that he has created in his mind. A woman created out of his accusations of the things that were and are possible for me to do and to have done. Even Dianne, on a bad day before serving God like I am now was not the woman he sees. That hurt. I am not serving God to prove anything to my husband, but it hurts that the one I have loved so deeply and for so long sees nothing good in me. I have been told this week that he never wants to see me or talk with me and of course he again filled me in on the things "he knows" that I did.
Yes, the Great Physician has his work cut out for Him in healing my heart. Along with that he has his work cut out for him in providing my husband with the clarity to maybe not see me, but to at least see himself. Along with not seeing the real me, in the now or in the past, he most certainly sees himself in an imagined light. I will continue to pray for him, but I am certainly praying for me. I want to heal. I want to be real in happiness, not fake where even if it's all good, but there is a piece of me so pained that the good is always tainted.
My daughter and I came home from that dinner and I don't know if it is possible for this to happen, but it was like the demon in him rubbed off on me. He sat at that table with his foulness and ugliness shining so brightly. I got home and cussed and cussed and cussed. No lie. It was horrible. I had to rebuke myself and it made me cry that I would let that happen to me. I do not do that, never really was big on it in the first place, but there I was the other night just like a pro. I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger. I started singing "rain down on me" just hoping God could wash off anything that I felt "stuck" to me from our visit with him.
Another healing moment came the next day when I called my daughter from work and sincerely apologized to her for having made her go. We had had a nice plan for that evening that I put on the back burner because he called. I should have stuck to the plan and I told her that. The praise comes in in that she received my apology with a grace in her that took me by surprise. A grace that I had always hoped I was providing a good model for, but I think that by keeping her in those depressed and unstable surroundings, a grace that could not or would not shine through . I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger.
My Life Advisor told me that to not move from the situation was selfish on my part in regards to my daughter. He was right. My daughter is so much better off right now. The funny thing is that she has stepped up to the plate as well. She - on her own remembers to do her chores and is always happy to see me when I get home and is thoughtful of things towards me and is constantly keeping me in the know of what she's got going on.
Praise God that my baby is healing. Our relationship is healing. We are having fun together. Ha, we really don't have any money, we don't have cable, but we have had great prayer time, great hang out time and we truly like our place. We are both even falling more in love with the dog.
My husband leaves to "find himself in Mexico" on the 21st - one week from tomorrow. I am scared. I am excited at the same time.
So, my daughter and I will truly be without him soon. I am certain that I will have a few more tidalwaves, but I do hope that they will, in the not too far off future, begin to become like gentle waves lapping the shore. I pray that God will continue to heal me with his tender touches and will keep me aware of all the positive changes He is doing, one step at a time and that I will praise Him for each and every one of them. We are going to make it.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God for the friends that I have that let me go through a tidalwave on their shoulder. For my daughter that doesn't get mad at me when one hits. For friends that invited me to karaoke. For friends that came to dinner and shared with me one of the most blessed evenings I have had in probably 20 years. I ask you to please pray that my daughter is not hit by a tidalwave when her father really leaves as she struggled with some "why doesn't my dad love me/why does he want to leave me" moments before we moved. I ask you pray that God's tender touch is on both of us as we meander along in His will and that we heal.
Hallelujah!
Yet, for me - while my daughter is healing, something that is so measurable and strong and I praise God for, there are times when I don't think I can do it. I will be fine in one moment, and then in the next a tidalwave of hurt and sadness and grief overtake me to such an extent that I don't know what to do. I have been finding myself on my knees just praying for God to strengthen my heart and praising Him for all the good He has done and is working on doing. I loved my husband with all I was. I believe in God with all I am and believe that he is the Great Healer of all things.
We ate dinner with my husband the other night, something my daughter didn't want to do because she knew it would be horrible even though I thought my husband must have had a change of heart which is why he invited the two of us anyways, I made her go. While eating dinner with him, believe me, I lost my appetite and didn't eat, I realized something that hurt deeply and only God can fix. My husband does not see me. I am so far from perfect that we won't even go there, but I am also at the same time, good to the core in the fact that I am doing all I can to stay in God's will. My husband sees this woman that he has created in his mind. A woman created out of his accusations of the things that were and are possible for me to do and to have done. Even Dianne, on a bad day before serving God like I am now was not the woman he sees. That hurt. I am not serving God to prove anything to my husband, but it hurts that the one I have loved so deeply and for so long sees nothing good in me. I have been told this week that he never wants to see me or talk with me and of course he again filled me in on the things "he knows" that I did.
Yes, the Great Physician has his work cut out for Him in healing my heart. Along with that he has his work cut out for him in providing my husband with the clarity to maybe not see me, but to at least see himself. Along with not seeing the real me, in the now or in the past, he most certainly sees himself in an imagined light. I will continue to pray for him, but I am certainly praying for me. I want to heal. I want to be real in happiness, not fake where even if it's all good, but there is a piece of me so pained that the good is always tainted.
My daughter and I came home from that dinner and I don't know if it is possible for this to happen, but it was like the demon in him rubbed off on me. He sat at that table with his foulness and ugliness shining so brightly. I got home and cussed and cussed and cussed. No lie. It was horrible. I had to rebuke myself and it made me cry that I would let that happen to me. I do not do that, never really was big on it in the first place, but there I was the other night just like a pro. I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger. I started singing "rain down on me" just hoping God could wash off anything that I felt "stuck" to me from our visit with him.
Another healing moment came the next day when I called my daughter from work and sincerely apologized to her for having made her go. We had had a nice plan for that evening that I put on the back burner because he called. I should have stuck to the plan and I told her that. The praise comes in in that she received my apology with a grace in her that took me by surprise. A grace that I had always hoped I was providing a good model for, but I think that by keeping her in those depressed and unstable surroundings, a grace that could not or would not shine through . I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger.
My Life Advisor told me that to not move from the situation was selfish on my part in regards to my daughter. He was right. My daughter is so much better off right now. The funny thing is that she has stepped up to the plate as well. She - on her own remembers to do her chores and is always happy to see me when I get home and is thoughtful of things towards me and is constantly keeping me in the know of what she's got going on.
Praise God that my baby is healing. Our relationship is healing. We are having fun together. Ha, we really don't have any money, we don't have cable, but we have had great prayer time, great hang out time and we truly like our place. We are both even falling more in love with the dog.
My husband leaves to "find himself in Mexico" on the 21st - one week from tomorrow. I am scared. I am excited at the same time.
So, my daughter and I will truly be without him soon. I am certain that I will have a few more tidalwaves, but I do hope that they will, in the not too far off future, begin to become like gentle waves lapping the shore. I pray that God will continue to heal me with his tender touches and will keep me aware of all the positive changes He is doing, one step at a time and that I will praise Him for each and every one of them. We are going to make it.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God for the friends that I have that let me go through a tidalwave on their shoulder. For my daughter that doesn't get mad at me when one hits. For friends that invited me to karaoke. For friends that came to dinner and shared with me one of the most blessed evenings I have had in probably 20 years. I ask you to please pray that my daughter is not hit by a tidalwave when her father really leaves as she struggled with some "why doesn't my dad love me/why does he want to leave me" moments before we moved. I ask you pray that God's tender touch is on both of us as we meander along in His will and that we heal.
Hallelujah!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Just too soon
Well, I am not going dancing. A couple of my friends backed out and though I could have gone there and met the other friends, I just don't know that I am ready to "get out there". Instead, I am having a BBQ at my mother's with my family.
I have to tell you something funny that happened. I went and bought myself a beta fish to have on my counter near me the other day. Well, he has been in the container I bought him in, but a friend gave me this cool clear container (one without a lid) and I put him in that yesterday with his rocks and all. I named him, as I have always named my betas, Fred. Well, I collect bouncy balls and when I got home last night about 9:30 I saw a half eaten bouncy ball on the floor. I thought "oh gosh, the dog got a hold of one" not remembering at the time that the dog had been out with me the whole day. I threw the ball in the garbage and turned to greet Fred. Well, his little tank was empty. In that moment I remembered the half eaten bouncy ball and looked in the garbage, sure enough, it was Fred's tail. The cat Leah, who I didn't even know had noticed Fred, had noticed Fred. Oh my gosh, poor Fred. If I get another beta, I will certainly have him in a lidded case.
You know, even though that was a kind of messed up thing to have had happen, it was also one of those things that make this new life kind of doable. Out from under the kitchen table came Leah and what could I do but laugh. She looked just like Leah looks, not thinking of anything, so what else to do but laugh - that and put the remainder of Fred in a sealed plastic baggie so he wouldn't stink the place up. Did you know that when a beta fish tail dries, it feels just like a bouncy ball? I learned that yesterday. Oh well, God bless Fred - as they say, he's in a better place.
You know, God spoke to my heart in the middle of the night when I woke up and was speaking to Him. Instead of continually praying for God to heal my marriage, I am going to ask God to heal my broken heart. I have had one for quite some time and it's time for that part of me to heal and with God's grace, it will. Maybe, as I heal, God will heal my marriage, maybe he won't, but maybe by then, I will be just fine without God healing that part of my life. You just never know what God has in store.
Today I ask you to join me in praying for God's healing of my heart. I ask you to join me in praying for freshman college students heading off to their first year. I heard on KLOVE today that 70% of frehman christians turn away from their faith. I ask you to join me in prayer that we find a way to change that with God's help.
Hallelujah! God is so great, but maybe it is just too soon for me to go dancing or have a beta fish. :)
I have to tell you something funny that happened. I went and bought myself a beta fish to have on my counter near me the other day. Well, he has been in the container I bought him in, but a friend gave me this cool clear container (one without a lid) and I put him in that yesterday with his rocks and all. I named him, as I have always named my betas, Fred. Well, I collect bouncy balls and when I got home last night about 9:30 I saw a half eaten bouncy ball on the floor. I thought "oh gosh, the dog got a hold of one" not remembering at the time that the dog had been out with me the whole day. I threw the ball in the garbage and turned to greet Fred. Well, his little tank was empty. In that moment I remembered the half eaten bouncy ball and looked in the garbage, sure enough, it was Fred's tail. The cat Leah, who I didn't even know had noticed Fred, had noticed Fred. Oh my gosh, poor Fred. If I get another beta, I will certainly have him in a lidded case.
You know, even though that was a kind of messed up thing to have had happen, it was also one of those things that make this new life kind of doable. Out from under the kitchen table came Leah and what could I do but laugh. She looked just like Leah looks, not thinking of anything, so what else to do but laugh - that and put the remainder of Fred in a sealed plastic baggie so he wouldn't stink the place up. Did you know that when a beta fish tail dries, it feels just like a bouncy ball? I learned that yesterday. Oh well, God bless Fred - as they say, he's in a better place.
You know, God spoke to my heart in the middle of the night when I woke up and was speaking to Him. Instead of continually praying for God to heal my marriage, I am going to ask God to heal my broken heart. I have had one for quite some time and it's time for that part of me to heal and with God's grace, it will. Maybe, as I heal, God will heal my marriage, maybe he won't, but maybe by then, I will be just fine without God healing that part of my life. You just never know what God has in store.
Today I ask you to join me in praying for God's healing of my heart. I ask you to join me in praying for freshman college students heading off to their first year. I heard on KLOVE today that 70% of frehman christians turn away from their faith. I ask you to join me in prayer that we find a way to change that with God's help.
Hallelujah! God is so great, but maybe it is just too soon for me to go dancing or have a beta fish. :)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Now What
Do you know how hard it is to get used to yourself, to living for something other than you have lived for for many years. It's hard. There are moments when it's all good. There are moments when it is so hard that you don't know what to do.
As part of my homework, my Life Advisor wants me to come up with 5 rewards for myself, with only two allowed to be food related. Do you know how hard this is for me. My rewards and fun used to be going for dinner or ice cream or a walk or whatever, with my husband. If any of you have any ideas of rewards that are cool to do on your own, please don't hesitate to let me know.I think part of my problem lies in that I don't really even know what I like anymore, but I need to give myself a break because another part of my homework is to work on figuring that out as well.
I am pleased to share with you that I am trying. I have always loved dancing and have made a new girlfriend at work that I ride the train with as well. She is a dancing guru and has invited me out to go dancing tomorrow. I - in turn have invited two other friends, so there will be about 6 of us going to this place, I think the name of it is The Ballroom. Tomorrow night, I will be learning and doing a dance called Soul Line Dancing. What a neat way for me to go out, have some fun doing something I love to do and still stay in the will of God.
The old Dianne in this situation might have gone and done something outside of God's will. This Dianne, the one washed white as snow, wants to stay that way until God's will for my life shines loud and clear. Now that I am out on my own, I was kind of hoping that God would let me let go of my husband in an instant. He hasn't. I sure hope that I can be patient until God shows me what's what in that area. I still love my husband. Still hate and don't want a divorce and still hope that God will reach him. At least I am praying on that. For now until God tells me otherwise.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for healing. Healing for heartaches and for lost love. Healing for those who have thrown away people in their lives just because they were messed up. Healing for kids that get messed up because of these people.
God is still great and mighty to save. Hey, he saved me and I am white as snow and want to remain this way - that was actually a pretty big undertaking. But hey, I am going to be worth it, I already am.
Hallelujah!
As part of my homework, my Life Advisor wants me to come up with 5 rewards for myself, with only two allowed to be food related. Do you know how hard this is for me. My rewards and fun used to be going for dinner or ice cream or a walk or whatever, with my husband. If any of you have any ideas of rewards that are cool to do on your own, please don't hesitate to let me know.I think part of my problem lies in that I don't really even know what I like anymore, but I need to give myself a break because another part of my homework is to work on figuring that out as well.
I am pleased to share with you that I am trying. I have always loved dancing and have made a new girlfriend at work that I ride the train with as well. She is a dancing guru and has invited me out to go dancing tomorrow. I - in turn have invited two other friends, so there will be about 6 of us going to this place, I think the name of it is The Ballroom. Tomorrow night, I will be learning and doing a dance called Soul Line Dancing. What a neat way for me to go out, have some fun doing something I love to do and still stay in the will of God.
The old Dianne in this situation might have gone and done something outside of God's will. This Dianne, the one washed white as snow, wants to stay that way until God's will for my life shines loud and clear. Now that I am out on my own, I was kind of hoping that God would let me let go of my husband in an instant. He hasn't. I sure hope that I can be patient until God shows me what's what in that area. I still love my husband. Still hate and don't want a divorce and still hope that God will reach him. At least I am praying on that. For now until God tells me otherwise.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for healing. Healing for heartaches and for lost love. Healing for those who have thrown away people in their lives just because they were messed up. Healing for kids that get messed up because of these people.
God is still great and mighty to save. Hey, he saved me and I am white as snow and want to remain this way - that was actually a pretty big undertaking. But hey, I am going to be worth it, I already am.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What Now?
Well, we are in the new place. Yesterday was a bit hard at times, but also a bit easy at the same time. What a mixed bag of emotions the ending of dreams carries with it. You are so very sad at the promises that are unfulfilled, but so happy that the struggle is not ever present in your life. I guess that is a peace that is beginning to settle.
The dog is happy. The cat - well, who knows as she spends her whole time under my bed now - quiet until I want to go to sleep when she claws down under there where I can't reach her to pop her. My daughter though, is fine. Last night when we got our first opportunity to be alone we had one of our first quiet moments together.
We watched a movie and prayed together, both of us remembering her father in prayer. I think of him constantly and how I wish he were not choosing the path he is. I find it so sad that a person would choose alone rather than with their family. However, I am trying to capture every thought and when I think of him, I say a prayer for him in that moment and try not to let him stick on me in my thoughts. I want to be free to be happy and to be me. I do not want to be stuck worrying about him, although I will pray for him constantly, I release him to God's hands. That is all I can do.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I know the difference. I can only control me, and that is going to be hard enough. My husband told me he needs time to "find himself" so he is leaving for Mexico August 19th. If only he had taken Life's Healing Choices in the fall he would know that - wherever he goes, he is going to be there...
In the meantime, I will be right here, in God's will striving to be the best me I can be for His glory.
Today I ask that we pray for all the lost people that don't know their way. I pray that God will find them right where they are and get them to look up because He is right there waiting.
Hallelujah!
The dog is happy. The cat - well, who knows as she spends her whole time under my bed now - quiet until I want to go to sleep when she claws down under there where I can't reach her to pop her. My daughter though, is fine. Last night when we got our first opportunity to be alone we had one of our first quiet moments together.
We watched a movie and prayed together, both of us remembering her father in prayer. I think of him constantly and how I wish he were not choosing the path he is. I find it so sad that a person would choose alone rather than with their family. However, I am trying to capture every thought and when I think of him, I say a prayer for him in that moment and try not to let him stick on me in my thoughts. I want to be free to be happy and to be me. I do not want to be stuck worrying about him, although I will pray for him constantly, I release him to God's hands. That is all I can do.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I know the difference. I can only control me, and that is going to be hard enough. My husband told me he needs time to "find himself" so he is leaving for Mexico August 19th. If only he had taken Life's Healing Choices in the fall he would know that - wherever he goes, he is going to be there...
In the meantime, I will be right here, in God's will striving to be the best me I can be for His glory.
Today I ask that we pray for all the lost people that don't know their way. I pray that God will find them right where they are and get them to look up because He is right there waiting.
Hallelujah!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
It is finished...
Ok, that is kind of dramatic I must admit, but the move is done. We are in, not settled yet, but in. I want to thank all of you that have supported us with your prayers and one special group that supported us with finances to do this move by renting the van for us. We could not have done it without you.
I only had one meltdown as I ran home from church to change and then to go get the Uhaul. It wasn't til I was there at UHaul that I realized I had on two different shoes and my shirt was on backwards. I got home, wiped my tears, changed my shoes and fixed my shirt and puffed myself up and got to it.
My husband had told me I couldn't take the dog. Well, I want to be honorable and respectable in all ways so I told everyone to leave the dog's stuff. My husband called me right before we left the old place to see if we were gone and I asked if he was sure I couldn't take the dog and he said I could. Praise God! I guess being honorable does pay off.
My two brothers, my mom, my neice and a nice young friend of hers offered to help us and we were so blessed by each and every person. Our new place, though in a shambles right now, has a gleam of the home it promises to be for us and we are going to be just fine. I am hopeful and excited.
I love my husband dearly, but have realized that love isn't enough, maybe just letting go will do the trick for him. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I have my work cut out for me. I need to keep my daughter close to me. I need to stay within the will of God. I need to walk the dog.
I don't know when I will post again as I don't know when the internet will be up, but when I do I hope that I will have a heart full of the joy and the peace of the Lord that he has been guiding me to. I'm ready for it.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my husband. Please pray that God reach down and stir up in him whatever it is that he is missing. He told me today that he loves me, but he is not in love with me. That he is not happy, with me, with himself. Pray that God helps him find his place in this world. I'm on my way to finding mine.
Hallelujah!
I only had one meltdown as I ran home from church to change and then to go get the Uhaul. It wasn't til I was there at UHaul that I realized I had on two different shoes and my shirt was on backwards. I got home, wiped my tears, changed my shoes and fixed my shirt and puffed myself up and got to it.
My husband had told me I couldn't take the dog. Well, I want to be honorable and respectable in all ways so I told everyone to leave the dog's stuff. My husband called me right before we left the old place to see if we were gone and I asked if he was sure I couldn't take the dog and he said I could. Praise God! I guess being honorable does pay off.
My two brothers, my mom, my neice and a nice young friend of hers offered to help us and we were so blessed by each and every person. Our new place, though in a shambles right now, has a gleam of the home it promises to be for us and we are going to be just fine. I am hopeful and excited.
I love my husband dearly, but have realized that love isn't enough, maybe just letting go will do the trick for him. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I have my work cut out for me. I need to keep my daughter close to me. I need to stay within the will of God. I need to walk the dog.
I don't know when I will post again as I don't know when the internet will be up, but when I do I hope that I will have a heart full of the joy and the peace of the Lord that he has been guiding me to. I'm ready for it.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my husband. Please pray that God reach down and stir up in him whatever it is that he is missing. He told me today that he loves me, but he is not in love with me. That he is not happy, with me, with himself. Pray that God helps him find his place in this world. I'm on my way to finding mine.
Hallelujah!
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