Self Amusement and Lightening the Load

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Sometimes I am such a whack that I can't help but laugh at myself because I am truly hilarious at times - even if I am only cracking myself up. At these times, I so thank God for letting the burden and load of this world disappear into the simple craziness of me. I hope I can get this written without my daughter getting angry at me because I know I am going to laugh out loud a good way through this writing. This past weekend I noticed at my daughter's soccer game that she - although she has a perfect little figure, looked like a little bull all stocky in the legs out on the field - you know, the kind of solid in the thighs that stood out. She looked tough and strong. Last night at my Zumba class I noticed that I wasn't moving as agile or as quickly as I normally do. This morning as I was getting dressed I realized I've gotten thick. Not a fat that I'm talking about. I'm talking dense (yes I'm laughing as I write this) and solid. It feels weird. Then it hit me... I got a Magic Bullet blender and since I have been working out alot and my daughter has been playing for her competitive league and school league, I went and got lots of fruits and this protein mix and we have been so good "drinking" all these fruits in these great protein smoothies that I've been making for us daily for the past 3 week. Hee heee... Well, I ran and looked at the container and discovered that yes it provides all these great vitamins and proteins but it helps build mass. OH MY GOSH!!!! I had us on the way to becoming Mother and daughter Hulk Hogans!! Here goes more of the funny part. I told her what I had done to us and she said "That's why I've become Thunder Thighs!" I couldn't help but laugh til my stomach hurt - all the while listening to her try to be mad at me but seeing her face and her realization that this really was kind of a funny situation and hey, she wasn't suffering alone, I am a solid rock myself. Which all got me to thinking of how great our real solid rock, Jesus Christ is. You know, how great is our God! Just like, although I made it so that we now need to put out a little effort to de-bulk, our bulking up was not something we can't redeem ourselves of. We mess up and God will restore us to Him. How great is it that we can mess up here and there, whether knowingly, or, as MOST definitely in my case, unknowingly we can get back to where we need to be. So, forgive me if I put aside the protein for now, I need to be able to lift my feet off the ground, but none the less, I will never put aside my God. I am so happy that even at the depth of my meltdown the other day, when I reflect back, I not even for a second thought of doing that. Today, please join with me in praising God for the people who step up and are the hands and feet of God and who jump in when they are needed to help those who need a little Jesus now. Join with me in praising God for stomach hurting laughter and for times with others that laugh with us, even when they try not to. Join with me praising God that nothing is ever really without hope or beyond repair. God is so great. As for my "thick" situation. I spent all my breaks today going for lengthy walks, got off the bus WAY before I had to to walk home. Hmmm, took me three weeks to get thick, hopefully I can get rid of it in the same amount of time. I'm at least going to try and I am certain that the calories I expend laughing at myself will help along the way. Hallelujah!!

The Weight of My Sin

I had an out and out meltdown today. Not a stitch of a joke here. Started when I went to rehearse for today's songset for the worship team and I just wasn't getting it right, pitchy, forgetting my tune, whatever, I wasn't able to get it right. I felt like something was pressing down on me. However, I found my accountablity partners and we prayed prior to service and all I know is I'm sure I still wasn't that great, but the Holy Spirit was there in that church as we all worshiped God together. I still remember one moment looking around in the sanctuary at the people worshiping God and telling God how much I loved each and every person there and meaning it. I went to go sit down for the service after worship and as the pastor began the sermon, Satan started "having a party in my head". It was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I think it felt like what I have heard anxiety attacks described to be. He was saying things like "go get your daughter, tell the worship leader you are done and leave this church." Things that were coming out of nowhere because I never feel or think those things - EVER!! Being as I began to feel like I was going to scream, I got up and left the sanctuary, not to leave, but to find a sister to pray with me. It was weird, there was no one in the foyer, no one in the kitchen, but in the worship room was the worship leader and a sister from the worship team. I proceeded to melt. The worship leader went and got the other sisters of the team and they held me up while I bared my soul and loved me through my meltdown. No, Satan did not have his way with me completely. Thankfully I am in the midst of a great covering of people in my church who helped me breathe and get through it. Things have been hard lately, but not so hard that I had any intention on giving up or giving in, but I won't deny that I have felt just a bit of the pressure. However, although I was growing in leaps and bounds in other areas, there was one area that I didn't have completely covered and - of course, I am certain that Satan saw my weakness and dug right in, or at least he tried. Part of my pressure has been the sin of that weakness, I know that to be true because I have seen it, but was trying to brush it away. It felt good to admit my weakness and my sadness about another area of my life and be shown and told that one, there is a way out and two, to remember to give things to the Lord and not try to do so much at one time. I am taking these things to heart. I have seen me change lately and I like what I see. I have been letting God lead me in a specific way that could cause me to lead others. This weakness of mine glared in light of where God is leading. I have now been lightened by confessing this weakness and have been shown how to "make things right". Now I'm free to let God use me in this area that I think He is planning to use me. I think I'm one step closer to ready to leading by example and I want to. It's funny how when you think you have let go of everything, something comes along and shows you how wrong you are. I'll say no more on the fact that I think I've let go of everything holding me back because who knows what tomorrow will bring. The one thing I know is that the weight of my sin gave Satan a little bit of a hold in an area that he does not belong to be in. The weight of my sin was holding me back, caused me to nearly freak out at a moment that I didn't expect it and in a way I would have never though possible from myself. I do know that at least in this moment of time, I am free from that weight. Psalm 40:12, For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. I don't want my heart to fail over this issue any longer. Thank you my worship family and my God for providing me with such a loving church and a self that knows that I want to follow you and that I want to see. Today I ask you to join me in prayer that others don't have to have a panic attack or nearly freak out from the weight of their sin. That God allow them to get out from under that weight without something like that having to happen, but that God discern if that is what they need, then let them go through that. I know it worked for me. I got it. Hallelujah! (PS -SORRY FOR THE RUN ON PARAGRAPHS - THE BLOG WOULDN'T LET ME EDIT IT TONIGHT AND THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW I TYPED IT)

Digging Deeper

I wrote a blog - you can reread it if you like, called Nothing is Perfect and Baby Gates. It spoke of how Spike, my dog, needed to be restricted from my daughter's room with a baby gate because of the fact that he wanted to pee on her pants on the floor. Well, a baby gate solved that problem for some time. However, I have (much to my dismay) discovered that Spike has discovered a new peeing spot in a place just as unacceptable in her room, the front room, one small area. Well, NOT COOL!!!! This is a dog who has free access via a dog door to the patio with the golf course grass and potted plants to pee in. I cleaned the area with some home remedy designed to take out the pee smell and then he peed on the concoction. Spike is so very grounded. No more free house access at all. He sleeps in a crate and now the door is shut at night. He is outside on the patio during the day and when we are away from home.

This got me to thinking about me. Sometimes it seems as if I create a new boundary for myself but find that that just isn't enough. I need to go even a step further. I think this is true of the human race because I notice it in certain circumstances with my daughter. I also have been noting this in my Christian walk. I can not get lax in my walk with God and there are times, that I see that I need to step it up just a bit as well.

Some of you have noticed that I have been quiet for a while. I have been thinking about things. My Whatever called me on my birthday and it kind of confused me just a little. Even amidst the confusion though I was praising God for wisdom and a new ability to see things more clearly. He left in August to go find himself in Mexico, came back in December for whatever reason, acted during the probably 3 times we dealt with each other like he hated me and left again about a month and half ago to go live in Mexico.

Well, in the conversation on my birthday he told me Happy Birthday and then after I thanked him he said that he was standing in "our" house (when I asked him to buy me out of our house when he was here he said it wasn't my house anymore) and was lonely because it was so empty. He said he wasn't happy there. I said how could you be, you left the best part of you behind, me and our daughter. He asked if I would want to go live there. I said that all I ever wanted was for him to love me and treat me as a good husband should. I then laughed and said you don't love me and you know that. He then said that he wasn't sure if he missed me or if he missed our daughter. He then asked if we were doing okThat was the conversation.

This is what my brain heard. "Hey, why don't you come here and let me see if maybe you guys will make me happy and if not, let me dispose of you again". I was so grateful to God. What a glorious God that let me see what this man really needs. He needs God. I told him that. I said that he would not ever find that happiness until he found God. I just wish that he would see this. I was so able to see that he has not changed. He is still lost and I am seeing first hand as a healing person what it looks like to see an active runner finding that wherever they go, they will be there and that they will still be as lost as they were in the place they ran from. He needs to dig deeper than surface running. He needs to get on his knees and turn his eyes upon Jesus.

Talking to him sombered me a bit and caused me feel a little confused about having given up on my stand for God to restore my marriage. I am somewhat at a loss for words to describe how I have felt about this except to come up with the word sombered. Somewhat numbed, sad and confused. However, I have come to the realization that all I can do is pray for him that he find his way while continuing on the path set before me. To raise my daughter and to give my entire life to God not questioning why, just trusting Him that if I do my best, He will take up the slack. Therefore, I am digging deeper.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we don't get confused in what it is God wants for us. That we continue to trust Him and know that He will iron things out in His time and in His way. That we dig deeper in those confusing times. Join me in prayer for those runners that we know that they will find God and have to run no more. That maybe just maybe, even my Whatever will end up on his knees someday.

Hallelujah!

Taking Charge of Me - Resting in His Peace

The weirdest thing has happened to me. I am resting in God's peace. I am coming full circle to understanding His ways. I am letting Him be full in me.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to have had such a wonderful "Celebration of Life" birthday party. I have had people apologize for not having been there and for all of those people it's ok. Those that were there are the exact people I would have hand-selected had I been doing that. My mother said today that she was still on a high at how wonderful the crowd was and remarked at how much she saw that they loved me. Guess what, each and every person there was so special to me and I love each and every one of them in return. I had to smile as the DJ said to me "I like your people". I like them too.

There is a very real possibility that I am facing a layoff in the near future. I am not afraid. Instead, I just feel this real hope to encourage others to not be afraid as well. There are 124 positions that will be gone where I work now, although mine is not "earmarked" for cutting, seniority of others can very likely "bump" me. I'm not worried about me, I'm only hoping to show others that they don't have to be afraid either. I have shared about the birds - how they don't worry about what they are going to eat tomorrow, and how if God loves the birds how much more He loves us. I am not sharing something I don't believe, I am sharing what I know to be true. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Armed with Financial Peace University techniques and the promises of God, all I can do is pray for others and trust that I can help convey to them to trust as well.

I am finally getting how to be a wonderful mother. I have learned how to set wonderful limits and am gaining a trust and a respect from my daughter in doing so. Gosh, it has only taken me raising three boys and now my daughter to finally get it. I am putting into practice to pray for and love those that have hurt me while putting into practice that I don't have to put myself out there to be hurt by those again. Example... I was truly wronged last week by someone and the thing that broke my heart was looking at the situation through their eyes and understanding where they were coming from based on their past experiences. I knew why they were behaving as they were and I prayed for them and meant it. I won't lie and say I didn't get angered at first, but I am still kind of amazed at how even during my anger I was praying for them.

My pastor said a few words at my party this weekend and I was amazed to see that the story he told was about dead on for what I wanted to share. What I wanted to share was how we need to stand up and choose to be better and work on healing ourselves in the areas we need to do so. We must self assess and be real with ourselves. I am not blind. I see my weaknesses, but it's time that I also allow myself to see my goodness. I have not been passive in my healing. The best words ever told to me were from my friend (PZ) who told me that God was telling her to tell me something - no more whining. I quit whining and decided right then and there I wanted to get well. I don't want to live my life hurting over what was lost, hurting over the troubles in life. I want to live my life in the fullness of His joy.

I found it interesting that today's sermon (Changing Your World) was about letting peace rule in your life as that is something that God has been revealing to me this past few weeks. Letting peace rule involves choosing to not get agitated by the circumstances of this life. It involves not trying to keep up with the Joneses, but to be happy with what and who you are. I love my life. Along with this revelation, I have been praying for everything and everyone. I want to share with others that these are not my ways that are working in my life. These are the ways of God. I love our Lord with all that I am and I know that He is going to provide me and my girl with what we need. It may at times seem like we don't care if we don't get bothered by things, but I feel as if I do care even more than if I outwardly show signs of being upset because at those times, I am praying harder than I ever have before.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we lift up those around us in prayer, that we don't let ourselves get agitated by the circumstances of this world but we trust that all will work out. Please pray specifically for the people of my workplace that are going to be laid off that maybe, just maybe I can show even a handful of them to not worry and to rest in the fact that, yes, things might be difficult for a moment, but that we can take charge and rest in His peace.

Hallelujah!

The Art of Giving

You know, as christians, we, by the mere fact that we are striving to be more like God, are designed to give gifts. Gifts that come from the heart. I have found a neat place that has gifts for coffee lovers. http://www.shopwiki.com/wiki/Gifts-for-Coffee-Lovers My favorite items are the jumbo coffee mugs, I mean how nice it is in the morning to sit down with a big mug of coffee and just look out a window and relax.

Another place to look for neat coffee gifts is http://www.shopwiki.com/wiki/Coffee-Specialty-Blends Gosh, to wake up to that great fresh brewed smell is the bomb. I love the commercials with the women in the oversized white puffy robes and oversized mugs as I always know how good I feel when I am doing exactly as they are.

http://www.shopwiki.com/Art-of-Coffee really has everything you need to be a good giver to a lover of nice coffees and supplies. A gift given from the heart should always be well received.

Today, join me in prayer that we all strive to be more like God and be giving in our nature, just as He was in His.

Hallelujah!

Nursing Scrubs

You know, all my life I have wished that I could have worn uniforms. Uniforms to work, uniforms to school - uniforms for each day of the week. I have recently run across this cool website for such a thing I mean these are cheap scrubs! http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/

I mean really now - how comfortable would it be to bend over at the copy machine to pick up a ream of paper in these scrub pants. http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/Scrubs-for-women/Original-Scrubs/Scrub-Bottoms/

I think life would be much softer and nicer if we were all comfortable in our own clothes - even if they are just scrub clothing http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/

I seriously think that God would see us just the same if we all wore scrubs. Now, why don't we all do the same as God?

Anyways, today, I ask you to join me in prayer that we love each other - no matter what we are wearing.

Hallelujah!