Sunday, November 20, 2011

Don't Look Back

Hello Again! June 13, 2011 - that is the last date that I posted here. I needed a bit of time to just breathe as well as - can you believe this, I have no access to internet at home currently and actually, since June 25. However, that is about to change so be ready.

Really so much and so little to say all in the same time. One of the better things I'd like to share is that I'm not walking backwards anymore. Sometimes I make no progress, mainly for the sheer fact that I am paralyzed with fear and taking a moment to breathe, but I do NOT go backwards.

Well, I am at my mother's and taking a moment to wish you all Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back on a regular basis in the next month and just can't wait to share.

Today my prayer is that we all go forward on the things we need to and don't turn around when we shouldn't - as tempting as it is to run back to something we knew rather than go forward to what God has in store. I pray that we remember at those fearful times, to just stop, listen for His voice and take a moment to breathe to avoid backwards motion.


Monday, June 13, 2011

There are No Coincidences

I have been reading two books the last few weeks. One at home, the other on the bus to and from work. Home reading is "This Present Darkness" while bus reading is "The Invisible War". One causes the imagination to stir, while the other brings to light the reality of the things of the imagination and of this life.

This past weekend, I have felt the ravages of a hurt that I never saw coming, something involving my daughter. I prayed through it and still clung to my trust in God that this would work out for good. I won't lie though, it hurt. A Diannism will say "that hecka hurt." No doubt about it. I think I was in shock and for me to keep dealing, I had to lay low. Yes, I prayed and trusted, but I laid low and stayed in with myself talking to God when I felt like speaking, barely having any outside communication while I went through it. The horrible sunburn I had helped me to do that as well because even the sensation of heat on my red knees hurt.

I wonder now how I did in God's eyes. That was really a test of my faith. I am happy to say that I didn't smoke. I think I am making it in that aspect although there were two times when I was about ready to say "forget it all" and go to find a cigarette. However, I somewhat felt like giving up in other respects because I felt like everything I had been putting my energy into besides serving God didn't matter so why was I bothering?

Even in the midst of feeling this hopelessness, great hurt and despair, there was this nagging sense in me of the unseen wars we fight and the fact that if I kept praying through this, I would win for myself and for my daughter. You see, her father comes back this week and he wants to come back and "save us". Don't worry, I've told him he could do so by supporting her in a fair and equitable manner financially and that she and I had discussed us being a family again and both came to the conclusion that that just wasn't a good idea. However, what I'm getting at is I feel as if what happened this weekend was part of the battle coming. I feel with him coming back as if there is a darkness headed our way. One that I do think I am prepared to deal with. I just wasn't totally prepared to have an attack come upon and through my daughter this past weekend because I never expected anything like what happened.

All I know is that as I spoke to her today, I shared with her why I am such a "freak" when it comes to the way I live. You see, I guard myself and my heart with ferociousness. I know me. If I start slipping a little and "enjoying" my old time favorite of rock and roll, I see a change in my fight, in my walk, in me. The old me went with the world's way of thinking. The woman of Christ I try to be and work hard at staying does not go with the way of the world. You see, I'm trying to prove something. Living for the Lord is cool and is the right way to live. My daughter had a horrible lapse this weekend, one that was so out of character, I am certain that it was a pre-jab for the war headed our way. Hey, at least I know now what I might be expecting and I know now how to ready myself to fight and to win.

No, I doubt seriously that my reading these two books at the same time are coincidental. I believe that God brought these things my way to help me to see more clearly what's going on and as a way to prepare me. I believe that there is something different about me. I am so far from perfect and part of the reason that this weekend incident with my daughter went so far wrong was because of my imperfection, but I am different. I have a burden to serve the Lord and sometimes I feel that burden so strongly I have to ask myself why, but it's still there and I can't turn my back on it or try to deny it.

Today my prayer request is that we pray for one another. Simple as that. That we love each other enough to reach out, even when we are uncertain if doing so will be received just as a sister did to me yesterday. If she reads this, please know that what you did meant the world to me.


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Still Standing

I am feeling bothered right now and I hope to be able to share with you why. I have worked very hard to get where I am. I know that people have helped me along the way, but I know too that God has been my strength. I am a good person and seek to serve God with all that I am and I work hard at letting Him be in charge of my life. I guard myself on all fronts. Who I hang out with, the music I listen to, the television I watch. I take wonderful care of my daughter and am always checking to be certain that her needs are met and that she is being led correctly.

We are far from a perfect family and I know that at times, I am outside of the box. Even in those times, whether I am fitting in the box or not, I am still standing for what God wants for me. I have my own set of difficulties though and my quirks as well. I am busy, you know, the ADD type. I know that. I have to force myself to focus and could possibly be helped with the taking of a little medication, but to get to that point, it takes a lot of effort - a lot of missed time at work, which, you know, who can afford when they are facing things such as layoffs etc, where good workmanship is not supposed to take the place of seniority, but there is still a hope that it might count for something when you don't have the seniority. So, anyways, I do the best I can.

Sometimes, though things hurt. It seems like others don't trust me or something. Are they basing their judgment on past behaviors? I am wondering why because there is nothing in me that indicates stupidity or poor judgment now. I am feeling a little bit of anger, but I am putting that aside because I know the things that are going on are due to love for me and possibly fear on the part of others. I can't live my life as to how others want me to, I need to do what God tells me to. I too have been guilty of being angry at someone for not living their life "how I thought they should". When I realized my behavior, I felt horribly.

My husband has discovered that he misses us, he wants to come home. As much as I have prayed for marriage restoration - possibly, if that's all I was asking for, that could come true. Too bad that's not all I was asking for. You see, my ultimate ask was for him to be restored to God where then, of course, if he was ready to be restored to our marriage things would be ok because God was leading both parties path. I see no indication of this being the case. I see someone who is in the early stages of understanding the fact that he left behind the best part of this earthly life, his earthly family. When he said that he wasn't happy there, I couldn't help but laugh, not a mean spirited laughter, but a humor that rose up in me. "Of course your not happy silly. You left the best part of you behind and did you really think that leaving to go live a life full of self-centerdness was a God blessed thing?"

I am a woman of Christ. As much as I wish that my husband would be the man of God that God created him to be to be the covering of our family, I know that is not the case, nor do I ever believe it was. I know that right now, God is my husband for a season and I am ok with that. I know that when my husband does return, he will be welcome to come to church services, to watch me sing on the worship team, to see me live an upstanding life, to come listen to some of my pastor's life changing sermons, to maybe go to a couples small group with me. Although there are things that he can do with my daughter and I, there are many more can nots than cans.

He won't be able to live with us as he has asked to do. He won't be going to the soccer games that my family and I support for my daughter to hopefully get scouted for a good college. He won't be able to spend the night, at least not with me. He won't be able to come back into our household as the "man of the house" - actually, he won't even be able to come to my place. He gave away that right for now, maybe forever, I really don't know at this moment. God has never told me to give up praying for him, but God has showed me what a strong, wonderful, capable woman I am and I am still standing. I will remain standing. My daughter and I have a nice life right now. Pretty normal in most respects and normal in it's abnormalities as well. I have a wonderful motley crew of friends who put up with me, even at my busiest, a wonderful family that I love seeing regularly and a wonderful peace in my home. I go home to my little place and I proclaim, almost daily how I love my world, my dog, my cat, my kid (not usually in that order, but each knows they are loved in my world.)

I may not know at this moment what my future holds in regards to my marriage, but I do know that whatever the fate of that marriage is rests in God's hands. That decision is unknown to me, as much as others and myself wish it were known by now. Every step I have taken, I have listened to the voice of God, even in my mistakes. I am certain that God will continue to speak to my heart and He will let me know when to let go if that is what He wants. For right now, I don't need to lean either way, I just need to keep going forward, not looking to the right or to the left, just looking to the one who has it all under control and seeking Him with all I am.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that each of us knows when somebody has it relatively under control because they are doing exactly as they should be in life and when we need to relax our hold on them a bit and pray that God continue to guide them. Not that we leave them out there alone, but that we encircle them with love and trust that whatever God tells them, not what we tell them, is what they should be doing.


Sunday, May 8, 2011


I have to laugh at the title of my post. As I was thinking of what I should call this one, I was thinking about my life, my walk with God, my professional me and just me spiritually. I'm laughing because I have not only been growing there, but I have been growing physically. I think I must have hit that mid-life women's marker I've heard of all my life, but never thought I'd be in the midst of. I am bigger than I ever thought I'd be.

Which makes me think of something. Just as I am trying to reach new heights spiritually and touch new places that God wants me to see, I need to start a whole new plan for my physicality. So, no rest for the weary onward I shall strive to both those endeavors. Good thing I don't fall into despair easily because my physical self could easily cause me to feel badly right about now, but that's ok, maybe Satan was seeing my spiritual self was doing pretty good, heading in a good direction and he figured he'd try to get me physically. AAAHHHHHHHH, (that was a buzzer). Sorry Satan that's not going to work. I just need to gear up my physical attack against you the same as I have been with my spiritual attack. Give me a few weeks, I'm gonna be back on top again. In fact, I've already won the battle because I see what you are up to.

Anyways, growing. Back on the subject. I have been spending this bit of a silence from my blog remarking at how God is really such a certain, sure thing to live your life for. I have been remarking at how all of His promises are coming true in my life. Remarking at how it really isn't all that hard to stay in His will when you make a conscious choice to do so and stand in that decision no matter what. I won't lie and say that this is always easy, but it is so worth it.

I remember the song "It's gonna be worth it" and think of the times of this past year when I, instead of giving in to things that I'd at those times rather be doing, but chose instead to do God's will for me, fighting against my will. It turned out to be worth it.

I see things around me and how in the lives of others who are going the way of the world the things that I kind of predicted would happen based on the difference of living for Christ and giving this life to the Lord have come true. I am glad to be coming true in the way of living for the Lord. Although perfection so eludes me, I know that there is measurable growth and that I am becoming something God can use to make this world a better place just by letting others know who I live for and whose I am. Anyways. I vow to continue to keep growing, spiritually only.

Today, on this Mother's day, I won a little reward at church for having been "mom" to the most children. I was given the opportunity to remember those who I have played a role of that to, even if only for a short time. I remembered my foster children and it has rehashed a renewed spirit of praying for them. So, today I ask you to join me in prayer specifically for my foster children of whom I only know of one out of the six their whereabouts. I pray that God can touch them where they are and let them know that I have never forgotten them and show them, no matter where they are that their is hope in the Lord and that they are loved. I ask you to pray for my own son who is probably heading to prison and is lost. That somehow God send someone who can reach him where he is, some man of God who can touch my son's heart. I miss my son.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Great Opportunity

I think that some of the best lessons we get to teach others is when we are caught off guard and get the opportunity to let who and whose we are just shine through naturally. Yesterday I got such an opportunity with my daughter.

I had taken an exam for a position in Napa, one which I failed. Not being a quitter (and the fact that I had already applied to take the same exam here in Sacramento in my current Department) I took the same exam about 6 weeks ago. Both exams were in the form of an interview and I knew going into the second exam that I had just failed the Napa exam. Having heard the news that I failed the first exam within 4 days via mail. I was told in the second exam that it would be 4 - 6 weeks for news to come of how I did.

Yesterday - as I was taking my daughter to turn in her paperwork for her first ever job, she grabbed the mail and brought it into the car with us. I saw the envelope. Upon seeing the envelope, I immediately grabbed it and prayed telling God that I knew that whatever was in that envelope was His will and I was ok with whatever news it held. I opened the envelope and began crying and praising God upon reading the words "Congratulations, you have successfully...." I thanked Him greatly and explained to my daughter that this could make a huge difference in our life if I could get a job that I could now apply for with the passing of the test.

I was thinking as she was in taking care of her business for her job that my reaction to the news was probably in God's plan for her to see Christianity and trust in the Lord first hand. I wasn't kidding as I prayed over that unopened envelope, and the tears of gratitude were not made up by any means, even taking me somewhat by surprise. I saw her at one point look at me more nicely than her normal look. It was cool.

Anyways, I am thanking God again for her having had the opportunity to see a bit of the real me, something that is growing every day. My trust and my faith. No matter what, I know that He has something in store for me. A God who understands that right now, I am thanking Him for the opportunity to have a break from her as she is in Phoenix visiting my son for spring break. I laughed at myself last night as I was walking back to my car in the airport parking lot. I caught myself on about the third stanza of singing "I'm free." Yes, God is good as are breaks from your kids.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we remember how blessed we are, no matter what the contents of unopened envelopes hold. That we thank God when we see he is getting through to us and that He is starting to shine through us for others to see.


Monday, April 11, 2011


Hey you guys - this is my new task, I am here to advertise Groupon to you. I'm cool with this assignment because I have actually used Groupon. Around Christmas time there was an offer for $30 worth of product at Leatherby's for $15.00. I purchased - I think two of the Groupon coupons and made a stocking stuffer out of it for my daughter. I combined the coupons with an Entertainment Book coupon for Leatherby's as well and don't you just know that my daughter took my mom there and they had such a nice lunch date.

I have seen offers for bowling, miniature golf, massages, etc - all for a really discounted price. The deal is is that because so many of us will buy the product they can offer these group prices, therefore the name - Groupon. I truly recommend keeping your eye out for these daily deals. I have it hooked up where I receive and email every day that tells me what the offer of the day is. That is where you need to act quickly - they truly are offers of the day and go away in a day.

Take a peek, it's easy, all you have to do is click on the picture where it says click here. They will only send you one advertisement a day and they are worth it. I have gone in with a friend and purchased a dim sum Groupon coupon and have wanted to do the same for many other deals. Check it out - heck, all you girlfriends of mine, if you see a neat deal that you and I might enjoy together, call me!

God is great!


Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Happy Birthday to this blog, Happy Birthday to this blog....

My goodness, how time flies and how great is our God!!! I think back to where I was one year ago today and I am so grateful to God for how He has turned me around. I started writing this blog to help others who might be going through similar situations as I was. My hope was to help just one person, at least one person. I asked this from God. Little did I know that the person I was helping was ME!!!

I am so grateful to be who I am and who I am still becoming. In this past year, so much has changed, the best part of the change that has occurred is that I know for certain where I want my life headed and the best way that I should be living it. In this past year, I have (many times through trial and error) begun to find my way.

I thank God first, I thank those of you who helped me through (don't leave me now as I am so far from done) and I thank myself for hanging in there, even when I didn't think I could. I look forward to what the next year brings - hopefully you will be right there with me.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer that God still continues to shine his light of literacy on me as well as that the areas I see him growing in me will begin to branch out and really make a difference in the lives of others. I think I know where he is leading me and I want to be ready and able to follow His desire for my life.

Blessings to all of you.