I am so excited! My Goodness, I have done something good. Enjoy this moment because you will rarely hear me say it. I am praising God for His growth in me to reach my dream of being a better mother.
My daughter is going to be 16. She of course has visions of a job of some sort while I would prefer that she not work during the school year. Voila!!! Lifeguarding. My son, the 25 year old living in Arizona Financial Advisor, had been a lifeguard at 16 and credits a lot of his work ethic, etc to having had that opportunity. I presented this to my daughter about 1 1/2 months ago and she said yes so I signed her up for the course. Oops, and here comes soccer ref training, we got two days notice for this class which she has wanted to take for over a year. Both classes are each two weeks long and this week those classes overlap one another.
I knew that I would need to take a little extra time to prepare for this week to support her as I understand that she is still a kid sort of and has never had many "had-to's" in life. I understood that this might be a hard week. Well, we were readied and prepared and my mom, Praise God for her, had my back in every meaning of the statement. We were set to go.
However, we didn't factor in the weekend of not enough sleep for my daughter, or the fact that the school's soccer pre-season games just happen to be going on this week as well. Hello meltdown on my girl's part. Don't you just know that she never wanted to be a lifeguard or do any of this training that she has to go through? Don't you know that this is all for me? Oh, but yes, it's all my fault that she is missing the games, etc.
I chose to understand. I chose to remain calm and am praying that no matter what this week brings, I will stay strong, steadfast, steady and calm through any of the storm that she is trying to toss about. I have prayed on this. I have "huddled" with my mother to make certain that we are on the same page. I do understand. This is a test of endurance, but praise God my daughter is so blessed to have two people who are standing right behind her holding her up. I know that these tests of her endurance are so going to pay off for her in the next year of her life and who knows, possibly the rest of her life as in my son's case. All I know is that I made a choice to understand and that she is going to be better off because of of the fact that we stayed. I love that girl.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we hesitate to find ourselves in the midst of anger. That we try to choose to look at the other side of things. That we understand where others are coming from and let the light of Jesus shine through us.
Hallelujah!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
No Slow Fade Here
You know, my Pastor spoke on something, I believe in October and looking back at it makes me mad. Not at him, but at the truthfulness of what he said. He was speaking about human nature and how we humans are great starters of things, but we don't always finish what we began. Dang - I was hoping to prove a point and not let that apply to me however, it didn't work as I guess I am only human after all as much as I wish it weren't true.
You see, I have not stayed on course in a few areas. I love the Casting Crowns song how they speak of the slow fade, how black and white fade to grey. I have seen myself, through my lack of perseverance, falling into grey zones. Don't worry, I'm not talking big stuff, I am talking just not keeping my thumb on myself to stay as constant and strong as I am supposed to. However, that buck stops here.
Today's sermon, although titled "Finances of the King" was about so much more than how we steward our monies, it was about how we steward our lives. A highlight of the service comes down to the fact that we are here to show and tell others who God is and what it means to have a realtionship with him. Gosh, that has been the core of my existence now for the last year and a half, but for some reason, I have almost been feeling as if I weren't shining as brightly as normal and I don't really know why except for the fact that I have let myself get lax. I quit climbing the stairs at work and I think that was the beginning of my grey zone.
I think that the fact that money has been so tight, I might have just kind of let myself feel badly that I can't give financially like I used to. I think that the way I have felt about this fact has let me fall into grey zones spiritually. However, pastor said today how God doesn't demand that we give, he simply gives us opportunities to give. After all, when we give, it brings us closer to God's nature for He gave the ultimate gift for us, His son. I thought about this and I realized that I need to check my patience. God knows that I can't give the finances that I would give if I had them, but I am the one who believes He will restore all that Satan has taken from me. However, for now, God gives me plenty of opportunities to give by shining the light of Him and I don't waste any of them.
I shine as best as I can on the job by using the gift of a great professional career to be the multi-faceted and capable person that is needed by many to complete various tasks with a good spirit. I shine as a mother always placing great emphasis on leading by example, getting my girl to church and instructing her on the ways of the Lord. I shine as a family member - at church and at home, always showing the love of Jesus and not even faking it, I really have that one down.
I need to remember that the me who has believed that I am on the right path is still there, I have just not stayed as upright as I should and I don't want to go into grey, I want black and white to be my world, a tunnel vision of sorts. Anyways, I vow to never stop believing that God's not finished with me yet and I vow to not give in and quit fighting the good fight. After all, I am a chosen one and have been commissioned to do great things.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we stay strong, that we don't let our black and white fade to grey. That we keep the shine in our life and the we remember who we are in Christ. That we fight to keep our wills in check and stop ourselves from fading away.
Hallelujah!
You see, I have not stayed on course in a few areas. I love the Casting Crowns song how they speak of the slow fade, how black and white fade to grey. I have seen myself, through my lack of perseverance, falling into grey zones. Don't worry, I'm not talking big stuff, I am talking just not keeping my thumb on myself to stay as constant and strong as I am supposed to. However, that buck stops here.
Today's sermon, although titled "Finances of the King" was about so much more than how we steward our monies, it was about how we steward our lives. A highlight of the service comes down to the fact that we are here to show and tell others who God is and what it means to have a realtionship with him. Gosh, that has been the core of my existence now for the last year and a half, but for some reason, I have almost been feeling as if I weren't shining as brightly as normal and I don't really know why except for the fact that I have let myself get lax. I quit climbing the stairs at work and I think that was the beginning of my grey zone.
I think that the fact that money has been so tight, I might have just kind of let myself feel badly that I can't give financially like I used to. I think that the way I have felt about this fact has let me fall into grey zones spiritually. However, pastor said today how God doesn't demand that we give, he simply gives us opportunities to give. After all, when we give, it brings us closer to God's nature for He gave the ultimate gift for us, His son. I thought about this and I realized that I need to check my patience. God knows that I can't give the finances that I would give if I had them, but I am the one who believes He will restore all that Satan has taken from me. However, for now, God gives me plenty of opportunities to give by shining the light of Him and I don't waste any of them.
I shine as best as I can on the job by using the gift of a great professional career to be the multi-faceted and capable person that is needed by many to complete various tasks with a good spirit. I shine as a mother always placing great emphasis on leading by example, getting my girl to church and instructing her on the ways of the Lord. I shine as a family member - at church and at home, always showing the love of Jesus and not even faking it, I really have that one down.
I need to remember that the me who has believed that I am on the right path is still there, I have just not stayed as upright as I should and I don't want to go into grey, I want black and white to be my world, a tunnel vision of sorts. Anyways, I vow to never stop believing that God's not finished with me yet and I vow to not give in and quit fighting the good fight. After all, I am a chosen one and have been commissioned to do great things.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we stay strong, that we don't let our black and white fade to grey. That we keep the shine in our life and the we remember who we are in Christ. That we fight to keep our wills in check and stop ourselves from fading away.
Hallelujah!
Friday, February 25, 2011
I think I made it!
Well, my whatever left yesterday to go live in Mexico. Of course, he stated that he wanted to take our daughter with him, but of course, I am not giving her up. I can't help but state that I am kind of thrilled at this moment to not be wealthy because if I were, I would probably renew her passport which expires next month, but being as I can't afford it, God has worked it all out that her passport will expire and will not be renewed. Therefore, if he wants her to visit there, he will not only have to pay for her ticket there and back, but for the renewal of her passport. There, that said I have to share how I think I've made it.
Of course, this most recent of departures of him caused me to watch her for signs of hurt, anxiety, whatever, however, it caused me to watch myself for the same. I was pleased to see I was ok. The most exciting part is that today I saw a picture of him and my daughter taken at his going away party last weekend. Now mind you, for whatever reason, I kind of like them ugly. You know, Billy Bob Thorton, Gary Busey, Mick Jagger, you get the picture. Well, my husband was, to me, beautiful in his ugliness. However, this picture of my whatever appeared to me to be an ugly man. I mean something I would never be attracted to. PRAISE GOD!!!! No hurt, no man I love that man, no I miss that person. I only saw EEEWWWW. I, to be honest with you, found myself looking at that picture and not even caring about that person.
I think I made it to the point I needed to get to with only a little bit left to go as I still have a little hurt over how badly he duped me and took me for all I had materially. However, I hope I haven't gone too far. I hope God will reign me in and allow for me to find a way to care enough about him to pray for him as looking at that person in the picture, I had no desire to even do that anymore. I'm certain that God will iron this out as I believe his promise of Philippians 1:6 "He that begin a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". I know that He will allow for me to eventually care a little about the ugly to me person in that picture in a way that won't hurt me, after all, I matter too.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we can each acknowledge when we take a step in whatever healing process we are on. I also - totally different subject - ask you to join me in prayer for my Celebration of Life Party that God just so be there. I have invited almost everybody and am inviting God daily to be there as well. Today I secured a DJ and he seems to be in line with what my plan and dream is for the day so I ask that God will just bless this event. I am really excited to share these moments with all those that attend.
Hallelujah!!
Of course, this most recent of departures of him caused me to watch her for signs of hurt, anxiety, whatever, however, it caused me to watch myself for the same. I was pleased to see I was ok. The most exciting part is that today I saw a picture of him and my daughter taken at his going away party last weekend. Now mind you, for whatever reason, I kind of like them ugly. You know, Billy Bob Thorton, Gary Busey, Mick Jagger, you get the picture. Well, my husband was, to me, beautiful in his ugliness. However, this picture of my whatever appeared to me to be an ugly man. I mean something I would never be attracted to. PRAISE GOD!!!! No hurt, no man I love that man, no I miss that person. I only saw EEEWWWW. I, to be honest with you, found myself looking at that picture and not even caring about that person.
I think I made it to the point I needed to get to with only a little bit left to go as I still have a little hurt over how badly he duped me and took me for all I had materially. However, I hope I haven't gone too far. I hope God will reign me in and allow for me to find a way to care enough about him to pray for him as looking at that person in the picture, I had no desire to even do that anymore. I'm certain that God will iron this out as I believe his promise of Philippians 1:6 "He that begin a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus". I know that He will allow for me to eventually care a little about the ugly to me person in that picture in a way that won't hurt me, after all, I matter too.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we can each acknowledge when we take a step in whatever healing process we are on. I also - totally different subject - ask you to join me in prayer for my Celebration of Life Party that God just so be there. I have invited almost everybody and am inviting God daily to be there as well. Today I secured a DJ and he seems to be in line with what my plan and dream is for the day so I ask that God will just bless this event. I am really excited to share these moments with all those that attend.
Hallelujah!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Telling it Like it Is
I have never felt that it was fair of so many - mainly women, who, when there is a separation or divorce, to take so much from the father in child support or alimony that the man can barely support himself much less buy the child a gift now and then on their visits with him. To me, that was just another horrible misfortune of divorce. I am all for fairness. I sat down a few weeks ago and did an honest assessment of what it takes to raise my daughter in the manner which she deserves to be cared for as far as finances go, and mind you, I completely forgot the cost of housing for her.
Being as the child support we receive was sporadic at best, I presented half of this amount to her father as an amount he should consider giving. He came to give us $40 because I couldn't even buy milk at the end of the month. Granted, I - because I just felt so comfortable in my trust of God really wasn't stressing about it, I was somewhat distressed at the minimal amount he was tossing our way, oh and don't forget the accusations of where the money I earn from my job is going. Anyways, when presented with this amount, which is an extremely, bare minimum amount, he balked and had his standard jumping around ugly and angry fit. Now mind you, this is someone who eats out at Red Lobster for lunch and Black Angus for dinner no less than 8 times a week and has the financial freedom to come and go from here to Mexico as he desires. This is someone who has a marijuana habit that runs in the range of $140 a week easy with all the joys of the varieties of things to buy and the medical marijuana places after he received a license to purchase them because his knee hurt.
You see, we owned a business together that is still thriving. However, he, in anticipation of the moves he planned on making "gave" the business to his son. He works when he's here, but his son sends support money to him each month, more than I even make in a mnoth, where he is living in Mexico in the house that my money built and paid for and that contains all of the items from our 5 bedroom home here that my daughter and I had to leave behind when we - let's just say, escaped from there. He's pretty set.
Anyways, when I presented him with the more than fair child support amount which he balked at, he told me a bare minimal amount that he was going to give and that he would give that on the first of each month. The first came and went and I text and said what's up. He called back and left a message that he was going to give his support on the 15th of each month. I again text him back (I see no need to talk to someone unreasonable) saying fine, but please mail me a check because our daughter does not need to be in the middle of adult matters. Well, yesterday came and not only did he give our daughter cash to deal with, the amount was just a little over half of the amount he owed.
In light of the fact that he's going back to Mexico next week, I had dropped my daughter off at a Panda Express to eat with him and I caught a quick glance of them together, and this was before I even knew of his latest slight as far as supporting her. I felt sorry for him. She is so wonderful, such an interesting young woman and they were so close. He is missing out on so very much, not only of having her in his life, but of sharing a life with both she and I. He may have all of our "stuff" but I've really gotten the better end of the deal. I have her and we are free from living in fear of him.
I met up with my daughter at my mom's and she put the money in my wallet, I still didn't know the amount. When my mom and I went to the grocery store, I counted and called my daughter and asked her if the amount was right, assuring me it was, I hung up and couldn't help but say AHHHHHHHHH a few times. I mean really, this makes it hard to take care of her like every kid deserves to be cared for. His lack of support just makes it hard. I can do it and I trust that God will be certain that I can, but it is just so wrong of any parent to do this to their child when they can afford to make a few sacrifices to not leave their child having to do without so much. Anyways, after I sent out a few frustrated AHHHHs, I really couldn't help myself to feel even more sorry for him and to pray for him even more.
How badly he must feel about himself - especially in light of my reaction to him. I text him and said for God to be with him because what he was doing to her was unfair and wrong. I told him I would pray for him. And I will. And I have and I will continue to do so. It really isn't about money even, it's about love. I mean, I would give up everything if it was something she needed, something to help her along the path of being all she can be. Even when I had money, I never spoiled my kids, it was always about giving them what they needed.
I just this very minute got a call from him saying if I couldn't support our daughter why didn't I let her go and live with him and he wouldn't want any support from me as he could afford to support her better than I can. Really now, if he can do all of that, why doesn't he do it now. He wished me a great life saying that he's leaving next week. I told him to go with God.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the children caught in the mess of divorce. I ask you to join me in prayer - again - that marriages in trouble turn to God before they turn to divorce. God hates divorce and so do I. This was never the desire of my heart and I know it was not God's first choice.
Hallelujah!
Being as the child support we receive was sporadic at best, I presented half of this amount to her father as an amount he should consider giving. He came to give us $40 because I couldn't even buy milk at the end of the month. Granted, I - because I just felt so comfortable in my trust of God really wasn't stressing about it, I was somewhat distressed at the minimal amount he was tossing our way, oh and don't forget the accusations of where the money I earn from my job is going. Anyways, when presented with this amount, which is an extremely, bare minimum amount, he balked and had his standard jumping around ugly and angry fit. Now mind you, this is someone who eats out at Red Lobster for lunch and Black Angus for dinner no less than 8 times a week and has the financial freedom to come and go from here to Mexico as he desires. This is someone who has a marijuana habit that runs in the range of $140 a week easy with all the joys of the varieties of things to buy and the medical marijuana places after he received a license to purchase them because his knee hurt.
You see, we owned a business together that is still thriving. However, he, in anticipation of the moves he planned on making "gave" the business to his son. He works when he's here, but his son sends support money to him each month, more than I even make in a mnoth, where he is living in Mexico in the house that my money built and paid for and that contains all of the items from our 5 bedroom home here that my daughter and I had to leave behind when we - let's just say, escaped from there. He's pretty set.
Anyways, when I presented him with the more than fair child support amount which he balked at, he told me a bare minimal amount that he was going to give and that he would give that on the first of each month. The first came and went and I text and said what's up. He called back and left a message that he was going to give his support on the 15th of each month. I again text him back (I see no need to talk to someone unreasonable) saying fine, but please mail me a check because our daughter does not need to be in the middle of adult matters. Well, yesterday came and not only did he give our daughter cash to deal with, the amount was just a little over half of the amount he owed.
In light of the fact that he's going back to Mexico next week, I had dropped my daughter off at a Panda Express to eat with him and I caught a quick glance of them together, and this was before I even knew of his latest slight as far as supporting her. I felt sorry for him. She is so wonderful, such an interesting young woman and they were so close. He is missing out on so very much, not only of having her in his life, but of sharing a life with both she and I. He may have all of our "stuff" but I've really gotten the better end of the deal. I have her and we are free from living in fear of him.
I met up with my daughter at my mom's and she put the money in my wallet, I still didn't know the amount. When my mom and I went to the grocery store, I counted and called my daughter and asked her if the amount was right, assuring me it was, I hung up and couldn't help but say AHHHHHHHHH a few times. I mean really, this makes it hard to take care of her like every kid deserves to be cared for. His lack of support just makes it hard. I can do it and I trust that God will be certain that I can, but it is just so wrong of any parent to do this to their child when they can afford to make a few sacrifices to not leave their child having to do without so much. Anyways, after I sent out a few frustrated AHHHHs, I really couldn't help myself to feel even more sorry for him and to pray for him even more.
How badly he must feel about himself - especially in light of my reaction to him. I text him and said for God to be with him because what he was doing to her was unfair and wrong. I told him I would pray for him. And I will. And I have and I will continue to do so. It really isn't about money even, it's about love. I mean, I would give up everything if it was something she needed, something to help her along the path of being all she can be. Even when I had money, I never spoiled my kids, it was always about giving them what they needed.
I just this very minute got a call from him saying if I couldn't support our daughter why didn't I let her go and live with him and he wouldn't want any support from me as he could afford to support her better than I can. Really now, if he can do all of that, why doesn't he do it now. He wished me a great life saying that he's leaving next week. I told him to go with God.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for the children caught in the mess of divorce. I ask you to join me in prayer - again - that marriages in trouble turn to God before they turn to divorce. God hates divorce and so do I. This was never the desire of my heart and I know it was not God's first choice.
Hallelujah!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I'm Changing
It is really strange having been forced into a different life than I would have ever planned for myself. It's kind of like I am seeing myself from the outside at times. While I am watching me, I am learning someone new. I have really changed. I see my boundaries rising up and I see me learning to give myself the freedom to not let people cross them. God does answer prayers. For about a year and a half, I have prayed to be a stronger woman. I am becoming that woman, praise the Lord.
Sunday was an Experiencing the Spirit Service at church and I told of how lately I have been "crunching" (having a difficult time) and how even through this crunch, I have this overwhelming sense of trust in the Lord. It's kind of like no matter what life has been giving me, I know that there is something more. That does not go to say that I don't wish that more were now.
After having thoughts of letting my guard down in some areas and joining the world in their viewpoints, I have learned that I want to live within the parameters of God's will. God knew I was going to see that this is what I want even before I did and I saw him make adjustments around me to make this happen to help me see it sooner rather than later.
Do you remember Sesame Street's "One of these things just doesn't belong here" song and game? I feel that way sometimes. I don't always feel "normal" and I don't always feel that I belong in that I know that I have to keep strong in my walk with the Lord. I wake up to Christian music. I watch Changing Your World M-F and shout hallelujah each morning getting excited by the empowering of the word of God as I am putting on my face for the day. I love all things of Christ. I know that for me, I have to keep myself in all things of Christ because if I don't, I fall outside of His parameters for me. I must stay vigilant.
I have seen in this past few months a strength rising up in me that is not of me. I give full credit to God in me although I do give myself a little credit for seeking to find the things Christ has for me. I am not lazy in this endeavor. I live by doing all things as if I am doing them for the Lord as well as my new motto of not walking by how I feel. This strength has carried me through some crap. Crap that at times causes me to throw my hands up and say AHHHHHHHHH. Crap that at times causes me to take a moment and breathe through. Crap that always causes me to turn straight to the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all embrace the changes we are seeking in Christ. That we let him mold us by filling ourselves up with the things of Him. That we strive to know Him more and trust that what He changes us into is exactly who and what He wants us to be. That we don't give up because after all, change is good - especially if we are letting him have all the glory.
Hallelujah!
Sunday was an Experiencing the Spirit Service at church and I told of how lately I have been "crunching" (having a difficult time) and how even through this crunch, I have this overwhelming sense of trust in the Lord. It's kind of like no matter what life has been giving me, I know that there is something more. That does not go to say that I don't wish that more were now.
After having thoughts of letting my guard down in some areas and joining the world in their viewpoints, I have learned that I want to live within the parameters of God's will. God knew I was going to see that this is what I want even before I did and I saw him make adjustments around me to make this happen to help me see it sooner rather than later.
Do you remember Sesame Street's "One of these things just doesn't belong here" song and game? I feel that way sometimes. I don't always feel "normal" and I don't always feel that I belong in that I know that I have to keep strong in my walk with the Lord. I wake up to Christian music. I watch Changing Your World M-F and shout hallelujah each morning getting excited by the empowering of the word of God as I am putting on my face for the day. I love all things of Christ. I know that for me, I have to keep myself in all things of Christ because if I don't, I fall outside of His parameters for me. I must stay vigilant.
I have seen in this past few months a strength rising up in me that is not of me. I give full credit to God in me although I do give myself a little credit for seeking to find the things Christ has for me. I am not lazy in this endeavor. I live by doing all things as if I am doing them for the Lord as well as my new motto of not walking by how I feel. This strength has carried me through some crap. Crap that at times causes me to throw my hands up and say AHHHHHHHHH. Crap that at times causes me to take a moment and breathe through. Crap that always causes me to turn straight to the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all embrace the changes we are seeking in Christ. That we let him mold us by filling ourselves up with the things of Him. That we strive to know Him more and trust that what He changes us into is exactly who and what He wants us to be. That we don't give up because after all, change is good - especially if we are letting him have all the glory.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Peace In A Storm
Today has not been my best day. Although far from one of my worst, definitely not one of my best. Today was my 15th wedding anniversary and no a miracle of him calling me and wishing me even a hello and I wish things had been different came through. You know what though, I don't even think I want that anymore. However, I have been feeling a bit of pressure and strain lately and whereas the old Dianne was a runner and would leave many situations on a whim, the new me is forcing myself to stay put, not go by how I feel and hang in there. Hmmm, I did, however, come across a christian commune in Canada that sounds interesting. Hee hee, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, but they do take visitors for up to 6 months at a time and the union sheet talking about unpaid leaves of absence came across my desk today. Coincidence?
Anyways, today my son, who has chosen to not live the life that I so wanted for him and tried to show him how to live was taken away to jail after a very interesting late afternoon I spent with some police officers yesterday. To find out the things I have had to find out about him are disconcerting at the minimal. However, as the hurt of his choice and the thought of what that choice will cost my family was beginning to come over me, something greater came over me. I began to praise God. Hey, aren't we supposed to do that in the storms? Well, I did. You know, God is so darn great and He is good. I just know that something good will come of this.
I have this new motto inside of me. It goes something like, I will not walk by how I feel. I will walk by faith. Even though I don't walk by how I feel, I do at times, not feel the best but at those times, I am really learning to give things over to God. How can I not when I have walked through some really rough times and come out as I have, though not unscathed, still a person that can love others as much as I do. I am truly blessed. I have a friend that tells me frequently how one of the things they love about me is that I have been through those times and I am still a nice and good person. It's not me, it's Christ in me. God is greater than any trials we face and as long as we don't give up on Him, there is nothing that can bring us down.
So today, I ask you to join me in prayer - again for the marriages in our lives, but specifically for my son as well. That God will place a man in his life that can bring my son to his knees. I told an officer yesterday that my son's father really wasn't a good man, but there is a father that my son could turn to that could truly make a difference in His life. I know, because he's made a difference in mine. There is always hope in the Lord.
Hallelujah!
Anyways, today my son, who has chosen to not live the life that I so wanted for him and tried to show him how to live was taken away to jail after a very interesting late afternoon I spent with some police officers yesterday. To find out the things I have had to find out about him are disconcerting at the minimal. However, as the hurt of his choice and the thought of what that choice will cost my family was beginning to come over me, something greater came over me. I began to praise God. Hey, aren't we supposed to do that in the storms? Well, I did. You know, God is so darn great and He is good. I just know that something good will come of this.
I have this new motto inside of me. It goes something like, I will not walk by how I feel. I will walk by faith. Even though I don't walk by how I feel, I do at times, not feel the best but at those times, I am really learning to give things over to God. How can I not when I have walked through some really rough times and come out as I have, though not unscathed, still a person that can love others as much as I do. I am truly blessed. I have a friend that tells me frequently how one of the things they love about me is that I have been through those times and I am still a nice and good person. It's not me, it's Christ in me. God is greater than any trials we face and as long as we don't give up on Him, there is nothing that can bring us down.
So today, I ask you to join me in prayer - again for the marriages in our lives, but specifically for my son as well. That God will place a man in his life that can bring my son to his knees. I told an officer yesterday that my son's father really wasn't a good man, but there is a father that my son could turn to that could truly make a difference in His life. I know, because he's made a difference in mine. There is always hope in the Lord.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Happy Anniversary
Tomorrow is my 15th Wedding Anniversary. I think the hardest part of my marriage being lost is the factor of time. Like dang, tomorrow he and I should have had a big plan because tomorrow should have been a celebration of hanging in there, for better or for worse. The fact that 15 years of marriage to this person is drawing to a close means that the probabilities of me reaching a 25 year mark of marriage are totally dwindling. How amazing it is that people get to celebrate such things. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to wear matching jackets rooting for a favorite team, or t-shirts that said "I'm his" and "I'm hers", whatever, I wanted to be celebrating tomorrow. As Francesca Battistelli's new song says, "Love's not easy, but it's worth it." Heck, our family was worth it.
The other day I saw that my Whatever's selling his car and for just a moment, I crunched. My take on it was, great - another nail in the already pretty nailed shut coffin of our marriage. I have a dear friend who I have assigned the duty of, when I'm crunching, it is his duty to remind me of how blessed I am and how much better off not only me, but my daughter are now. He doesn't even have to talk too much anymore, I know. However, sometimes I just crunch and need a reminder.
I'm not crunching right now. I was remarking the other day, without reminders from anyone, how wonderful things are, it's really all just perspective. I met a new friend and when we were done talking I realized that they are "the cup's almost empty type" person whereas I am certainly the opposite. I think that they must have remarked on the difference between us later as I got a text that thanked me for being a shining light. What a cool text. What a cool truth.
God is certainly good and I am so excited for my party (March 5) as I am certain that God is going to be in the mix as he has filled me with so much love. Although tomorrow, my choice would still be to dedicate another 15 years of marriage to my husband and have my heart overflow with love for him as I am certain it would if he had chosen a different path. I am not without the ability to love. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to burst with all the love I feel for those around me. People are great, all of them and all of them are love worthy, you just have to find it.
So, Happy Anniversary to me. As I woke up the other morning thinking of tomorrow, God just about brought me to my knees praying for Whatever. Praying that he find his way. Praying that maybe someday he sees all that he had and never hurts anybody in the manner he seems to have made a pattern of doing again. Not praying for God to bring him back to me, but just praying that all the hurting stop. I have found that he was always full of anger, hatred and foulness when dealing with me. I asked him what his problem was as I have left him completely alone, only calling him when necessary for our daughter's sake and doing that rarely. I told him that all I am doing in regards to him is raising our child. He doesn't talk to me like that anymore.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer simply that marriages of those in our worlds stay strong. That they all meet and surpass the 15 year mark. After all, God, at the end of the day, still hates divorce.
Hallelujah!
The other day I saw that my Whatever's selling his car and for just a moment, I crunched. My take on it was, great - another nail in the already pretty nailed shut coffin of our marriage. I have a dear friend who I have assigned the duty of, when I'm crunching, it is his duty to remind me of how blessed I am and how much better off not only me, but my daughter are now. He doesn't even have to talk too much anymore, I know. However, sometimes I just crunch and need a reminder.
I'm not crunching right now. I was remarking the other day, without reminders from anyone, how wonderful things are, it's really all just perspective. I met a new friend and when we were done talking I realized that they are "the cup's almost empty type" person whereas I am certainly the opposite. I think that they must have remarked on the difference between us later as I got a text that thanked me for being a shining light. What a cool text. What a cool truth.
God is certainly good and I am so excited for my party (March 5) as I am certain that God is going to be in the mix as he has filled me with so much love. Although tomorrow, my choice would still be to dedicate another 15 years of marriage to my husband and have my heart overflow with love for him as I am certain it would if he had chosen a different path. I am not without the ability to love. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is going to burst with all the love I feel for those around me. People are great, all of them and all of them are love worthy, you just have to find it.
So, Happy Anniversary to me. As I woke up the other morning thinking of tomorrow, God just about brought me to my knees praying for Whatever. Praying that he find his way. Praying that maybe someday he sees all that he had and never hurts anybody in the manner he seems to have made a pattern of doing again. Not praying for God to bring him back to me, but just praying that all the hurting stop. I have found that he was always full of anger, hatred and foulness when dealing with me. I asked him what his problem was as I have left him completely alone, only calling him when necessary for our daughter's sake and doing that rarely. I told him that all I am doing in regards to him is raising our child. He doesn't talk to me like that anymore.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer simply that marriages of those in our worlds stay strong. That they all meet and surpass the 15 year mark. After all, God, at the end of the day, still hates divorce.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
His Glory Does Come
When my life fell apart (and kept falling) I remember how badly it hurt and I remember praising God through it just like the song says "I will Praise you in the storm". Although I was sure by then He would have reached down and wiped my tears away, it took a while for that point to come to me. I remember times crying and praising Him and thanking Him for the hardship because I knew that someday He would turn those moments around for His glory. I think His glory is starting to come.
God is starting to use me in the exact places that I used to be to help others heal in their places. Today I helped a friend who is going through a break up and through that I was able to see how God is healing me. She spoke of how everywhere she sees couples and love and I remember how that hurt when I was new in the process. Guess what, I don't see just couples and love among those couples anymore. I see a whole world full of love and I'm part of it. Guess what else, when I discovered this, I stopped everything and took a moment to praise God for healing me.
I think that one of the things that has helped me to continue in this process of healing is that I decided to get out of the insanity of my life and listened to the people in my church and I let myself go through the process of grieving my losses and letting go of what I wanted and giving it all to God. That process doesn't feel good all those darn stages of grief, anger, hurt, despair, but it is unfortunately true that we need to go through them to get to the other side or else we could find ourselves stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I am so grateful to the people in my church that got me through those times. I will never forget how after one particularly yucky incident a sister prayed with me and I swear I felt her hold me through that phone. Dang, she really made a difference in my life in that moment.
I want to make a difference. Funny, after helping my friend today, God just kept bringing other opportunities to shine for him and people noticed. I even found myself fellowshiping with a woman I had never met before on the elevator. It was awesome. Today, for the very first time, I praised God for the hardships He guided me through because today I knew that He really does turn those things around for His glory if we just hang in there and trust Him through those times.
I had to see my Whatever Friday night and although the love is not totally gone, I was pleased to see how much I had changed and saddened to see how stuck he was in the same stage as when I last dealt with him. When our meeting ended, I found myself praising God for what He has done in me. I found myself praying for my whatever and anybody who never takes the time to self-assess and see what's wrong within themselves and gives their life to Christ with the desire to be what God calls them to be. It was amazing how when I calmly stood firm on the one issue I needed to discuss with him, which was supporting our daughter, how he danced around the issue angrily, blamed me for everything, and was very animated in our conversation, but how when he saw that I was not reacting, but staying firm in my stance, he somewhat calmed, but never to the point of being reasonable. How sad that he carries so much of, I don't really know what towards me that it clouds his judgement of caring for our daughter. That's his choice and his loss as well. She and I will be fine.
He told me at the end of our conversation, maybe to hurt me because I wasn't reacting as he had hoped, that he was going to start the divorce. That hurt a little, but as I told him go with God, still remaining calm, I figured that if he did then that would be on him and who knows, maybe I do need a divorce, but God will work it all out - again, in His time and according to his riches and glory. I trust Him. Besides, I don't need to rush into anything I am - remember, giving myself a break.
Oh, and by the way, I want to share that the break is WONDERFUL!!! As I said though, I have not become complacent in my walk with the Lord, I actually think I am growing in it. I know that I am growing closer to my daughter and by me not being so busy, I have more time to share with her and I am seeing the benefits of this.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we each are able to reach out to people to help them to hang on through whatever they are going through. That we can convince them that God will be glorified in the end. That we show them how to praise them in the storms of life because His glory will come. That they will be ok. That we thank those who helped us and we always try to remember to not walk how we feel but remain a constant light for His glory.
Hallelujah!
God is starting to use me in the exact places that I used to be to help others heal in their places. Today I helped a friend who is going through a break up and through that I was able to see how God is healing me. She spoke of how everywhere she sees couples and love and I remember how that hurt when I was new in the process. Guess what, I don't see just couples and love among those couples anymore. I see a whole world full of love and I'm part of it. Guess what else, when I discovered this, I stopped everything and took a moment to praise God for healing me.
I think that one of the things that has helped me to continue in this process of healing is that I decided to get out of the insanity of my life and listened to the people in my church and I let myself go through the process of grieving my losses and letting go of what I wanted and giving it all to God. That process doesn't feel good all those darn stages of grief, anger, hurt, despair, but it is unfortunately true that we need to go through them to get to the other side or else we could find ourselves stuck. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I am so grateful to the people in my church that got me through those times. I will never forget how after one particularly yucky incident a sister prayed with me and I swear I felt her hold me through that phone. Dang, she really made a difference in my life in that moment.
I want to make a difference. Funny, after helping my friend today, God just kept bringing other opportunities to shine for him and people noticed. I even found myself fellowshiping with a woman I had never met before on the elevator. It was awesome. Today, for the very first time, I praised God for the hardships He guided me through because today I knew that He really does turn those things around for His glory if we just hang in there and trust Him through those times.
I had to see my Whatever Friday night and although the love is not totally gone, I was pleased to see how much I had changed and saddened to see how stuck he was in the same stage as when I last dealt with him. When our meeting ended, I found myself praising God for what He has done in me. I found myself praying for my whatever and anybody who never takes the time to self-assess and see what's wrong within themselves and gives their life to Christ with the desire to be what God calls them to be. It was amazing how when I calmly stood firm on the one issue I needed to discuss with him, which was supporting our daughter, how he danced around the issue angrily, blamed me for everything, and was very animated in our conversation, but how when he saw that I was not reacting, but staying firm in my stance, he somewhat calmed, but never to the point of being reasonable. How sad that he carries so much of, I don't really know what towards me that it clouds his judgement of caring for our daughter. That's his choice and his loss as well. She and I will be fine.
He told me at the end of our conversation, maybe to hurt me because I wasn't reacting as he had hoped, that he was going to start the divorce. That hurt a little, but as I told him go with God, still remaining calm, I figured that if he did then that would be on him and who knows, maybe I do need a divorce, but God will work it all out - again, in His time and according to his riches and glory. I trust Him. Besides, I don't need to rush into anything I am - remember, giving myself a break.
Oh, and by the way, I want to share that the break is WONDERFUL!!! As I said though, I have not become complacent in my walk with the Lord, I actually think I am growing in it. I know that I am growing closer to my daughter and by me not being so busy, I have more time to share with her and I am seeing the benefits of this.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we each are able to reach out to people to help them to hang on through whatever they are going through. That we can convince them that God will be glorified in the end. That we show them how to praise them in the storms of life because His glory will come. That they will be ok. That we thank those who helped us and we always try to remember to not walk how we feel but remain a constant light for His glory.
Hallelujah!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)