I have been reading two books the last few weeks. One at home, the other on the bus to and from work. Home reading is "This Present Darkness" while bus reading is "The Invisible War". One causes the imagination to stir, while the other brings to light the reality of the things of the imagination and of this life.
This past weekend, I have felt the ravages of a hurt that I never saw coming, something involving my daughter. I prayed through it and still clung to my trust in God that this would work out for good. I won't lie though, it hurt. A Diannism will say "that hecka hurt." No doubt about it. I think I was in shock and for me to keep dealing, I had to lay low. Yes, I prayed and trusted, but I laid low and stayed in with myself talking to God when I felt like speaking, barely having any outside communication while I went through it. The horrible sunburn I had helped me to do that as well because even the sensation of heat on my red knees hurt.
I wonder now how I did in God's eyes. That was really a test of my faith. I am happy to say that I didn't smoke. I think I am making it in that aspect although there were two times when I was about ready to say "forget it all" and go to find a cigarette. However, I somewhat felt like giving up in other respects because I felt like everything I had been putting my energy into besides serving God didn't matter so why was I bothering?
Even in the midst of feeling this hopelessness, great hurt and despair, there was this nagging sense in me of the unseen wars we fight and the fact that if I kept praying through this, I would win for myself and for my daughter. You see, her father comes back this week and he wants to come back and "save us". Don't worry, I've told him he could do so by supporting her in a fair and equitable manner financially and that she and I had discussed us being a family again and both came to the conclusion that that just wasn't a good idea. However, what I'm getting at is I feel as if what happened this weekend was part of the battle coming. I feel with him coming back as if there is a darkness headed our way. One that I do think I am prepared to deal with. I just wasn't totally prepared to have an attack come upon and through my daughter this past weekend because I never expected anything like what happened.
All I know is that as I spoke to her today, I shared with her why I am such a "freak" when it comes to the way I live. You see, I guard myself and my heart with ferociousness. I know me. If I start slipping a little and "enjoying" my old time favorite of rock and roll, I see a change in my fight, in my walk, in me. The old me went with the world's way of thinking. The woman of Christ I try to be and work hard at staying does not go with the way of the world. You see, I'm trying to prove something. Living for the Lord is cool and is the right way to live. My daughter had a horrible lapse this weekend, one that was so out of character, I am certain that it was a pre-jab for the war headed our way. Hey, at least I know now what I might be expecting and I know now how to ready myself to fight and to win.
No, I doubt seriously that my reading these two books at the same time are coincidental. I believe that God brought these things my way to help me to see more clearly what's going on and as a way to prepare me. I believe that there is something different about me. I am so far from perfect and part of the reason that this weekend incident with my daughter went so far wrong was because of my imperfection, but I am different. I have a burden to serve the Lord and sometimes I feel that burden so strongly I have to ask myself why, but it's still there and I can't turn my back on it or try to deny it.
Today my prayer request is that we pray for one another. Simple as that. That we love each other enough to reach out, even when we are uncertain if doing so will be received just as a sister did to me yesterday. If she reads this, please know that what you did meant the world to me.
Hallelujah!
