Today I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to start really healing I need to put aside the "I wishes" - which only cause my heart to hurt and concentrate on the "What Is's". I wish my husband would have been by my side sharing the music I so enjoyed at last night's Jackie Green concert. I wish he were by my side for yesterday's mammogram. I wish that you didn't have to be perfect to be loved by him.
Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.
So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.
Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.
You are doing the right thing from what I can tell. It's not easy being a parent but God modeled how we should be to our children and look at the woman at the well, or the one about to be stoned, or the tax collector. He saw their heart and worked toward his goal which was not to react to their bad behavior but to funnel them toward himself through love. I've had a couple of shocking incidents with my son and while one part of me wants to cream him...the other part takes away his texting, puts him on restriction and then invites him onto the couch for a snuggle while we watch TV.
ReplyDeleteso where have you been this month? Everything ok?
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