Back in the fight - Screw ups and Imperfection

Hey there, for anybody who reads my blogs. That's what I am - back in the fight. Gosh you guys, I have been under attack and I really screwed up. My daughter is 15, need I say more? She really is a nice kid and to her complete credit, she is an honest kid, but she is a girl and in the midst of the situation that she lives, she knows how to play both sides of the field and has been making me crazy. The night before last my husband had been drinking, I had not and we were away from home. It had already been agreed upon that I would be driving as I don't drink and he was at it hard. 1 in the morning, it came time to leave and I had the keys and as we left once we got outside, he said, give me the f---ing keys. I said no but he finally got the keys and I told my daughter to not get in the car. You see, she and I supposedly have a longstanding agreement that if he is drinking she is not to get in the car. My daughter got into the car and would not listen to me to get out. Knowing that he would drive more erratically with her in the car if he were in a fit of anger at the fact that I would have gone back into the place we left to call for a safe ride, I got in the vehicle. The whole drive home he went on and on asking me if he was driving like he were drunk. I didn't care anymore, I just prayed the whole way for God to get me and my girl home safely and to get me out of this situation.

Last night, with this anger that has been boiling in me at my daughter's disregard of my desire to protect her and a few other recent actions on her part compiled with one final disregard of the fact that I am mom, this anger in me came to a head as we got out of the car at the Raley's parking lot. Oh my gosh, I was so mad and I ended up cussing at her and everything, not even asking God to guide me, which he clearly wasn't due to the fact that I was that out of control. Well, it was then that the CHP officer pulled up next to us and asked if we were ok. Looking back now, I think that was God because I had clearly lost it. I told the CHP lady that "yes we were ok, I was mom, she is my 15 year old daughter, I haven't, nor will I touch her, I have to go". I'm laughing right now, because I actually did walk away from the officer as I said to my daughter to tell her if she was ok or not, and I walked away from the situation leaving my daughter with the officer while I went into the store.

Well, we ended up getting home and most of you that know me know that it took about the time it took for me to catch my breath in the store to begin repenting. So, when I got home, I was a total mess, made my daughter sit down and asked for forgiveness because I was so far out of line. And I meant it because I was. One of the things I have long had under control, and by long I mean about 1 1/2 years, is my tongue with I believe only 3 relapses of bad words slipping out of my mouth during this time.

Which leads me to ask us to join in prayer for so many things. Please pray for me to be an honorable mother. Please pray for my daughter to learn how to give a sincere apology based on the example I set last night, because she does at times need to apologize for her actions of late. Please pray for God to guide my steps to how to get in the right situation in my life. Please pray for all those who struggle with relapse of some sort, in any format, a relapse does not feel good. I felt so badly about what I had done that I wondered how could I possibly go to church and sing on the worship team or go serve the youth at youth group tonight? I actually almost didn't go, but even before I heard my pastor's words this morning of "Don't give up -Get Back in the Fight", I already knew what I had to do. So I went and did what I was supposed to, knowing that yes, I messed up, but I am human and maybe my daughter might just think before disregarding my attempts at protecting her from this world she lives in. Hallelujah!