Have you ever been at a place in your life where nothing is really wrong, but you just don't feel at ease? This past week I have not been able to put my finger on my problem, but I have definitely had one or many.
I have allowed myself to struggle with anger, meanness, the desire to dole out paybacks, lack of forgiveness, hurt and just plain not goodness of character. It has been strange though, it wasn't something that was right out there, it was something just under my skin. Most would have never known it was there, but it was. I have spent some time yesterday and today doing some self-checking to see what was I doing that was allowing this stuff to get to me.
I came up with some answers and there were a couple of things I was doing to let myself get into that state.
I am taking the Financial Peace university class and am following the steps intricately. I have baby step number one done and last week did my budget and when I got paid I began following this budget accurately. However, now it is time for step number three, the debt snowball. Well, for me right now, I can't do this step. I am budgeted so very tightly that I just have no space whatsoever to do this. I, at this point, allowed some hopelessness to creep in.
This guy that was a friend, all of a sudden, out of the blue started texting me professing his love for me, asking me to love him and telling me he wanted to marry me someday. Well, this made me mad. I told him how dare he think I was in some kind of a desperate state to where I would actually think seriously about something that stupid becoming a reality. I actually was quite strong and emphatic in my protests against him, surprising even myself with my strenght, but his stuff bothered me just the same. In that, although I was proud of my strenght, I felt like a loser. Like darn, here I am a great wife that my husband completely discarded like a piece of garbage and now some guy really thinks I'd jump at some stupid text offers. Totally got to me.
Normally, when crap would come my way I'd run in some way. Always some way that was against God and against myself as well. As a matter of fact I had a temptation to run. My son lives in Phoenix and is quite happy there and just told me the other day, he wished that my daughter and I would just go there to live with him til we got going. I was tempted.
Well, then my dog got sick last Wednesday night. I spent some money, but couldn't nearly go all the way the vet wanted me to. I am not one to let a pet suffer so I would have only let the dog stay unwell, hoping time would heal him for just another week maybe. Today, as I was self assessing things, I decided to believe God for and ask him for healing of my dog. I believed he would heal Spike and I meant it.
During my self assessing, I also realized that I had been letting fear sink into my life, fear of things never getting better than just survival mode. This made me tempted to quit and run. Like hey, if it's never going to get better, why bother. WHAT DIANNE??? I couldn't even belive my own self when I assessed. I know that I am not without hope. I know that I am doing the right things in my life for God to - in His time, bless me beyond what I have even asked him for.
I realized and remember how God has been answering my prayers and that He will continue to do so. I had prayed for female friendships, I have many now. I asked God for a backbone - to be a stronger woman - hello situation with text dude. I was about as strong as any woman I have ever met. I love my house, I love my life, it's not perfect, but it is a blessed life and it will only get better as will I.
I came home and Praise God, and yes, I believe it, Spike is almost perfect. I would say he is at 90-95% of himself. Makes me want to just stay on my knees. How can you rise when God shows you so clearly that He has your back. No, I'm done running. I am going to just stand still. Funny, for days now a song verse has run through my mind, "I will be still and know you are God." He has been speaking to me all along, I just needed to, and believe he wanted me to take the time and look at how far I have come and all that He has done for me. So, that nagging feeling is being brushed aside to be replaced with how much He loves me. Enough to speak to me through the healing of my dog. Thank you Father.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we just stay still when we need to, that none of us run away from where we are headed, that we hang in there.
Hallelujah!
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