The Truth of the Matter

I am going to be honest with you (duh, what else have I been). Well, the truth of the matter is that this past year has been hell. I was treated like a dog, ignored, talked horribly to used in every respect and treated with so much disregard that it hurts to admit this. My daughter was not treated with any kind of real love either. With the help of being away from the situation as well as seeing my Life Advisor and opening my eyes, I see what a horrible situation we really were in. That and even though we don't have much where we are, on a visit to pick up some of the things we had left behind, I took one look around the old place and truly saw how that was never a home. No matter what I did, it was not a home. We have a home now.

Guess what, I forgive him. With all that I am, I forgive him. I pray for him as well with all I am that when the conviction of God comes upon him that he will be able to forgive himself. His actions towards me were horrible on their own and maybe if it is true that I really am all that bad and that he really hasn't loved me for some time, he might feel a little crunch. However, when he finally sees what he has done to his daughter, if he ever does, this past year, I myself would have a very difficult time finding a way to forgive myself. However, no matter what happens in his life from here on out, that is not my concern, but from the bottom of my heart, I forgive him. Thank you Lord for giving me that ability and I need to say, that this is the first time I have said these words, and I mean and I feel them. Oh Praise God that I can do that. Thank you Father.

I take the blame for not getting out sooner, but when you are in the midst of that type of - let's go ahead and use the word, abuse, you keep thinking it's not as bad as it is, or it has to get better, or even, this isn't really happening because it is so not normal. It was his normal. It was what we survived in. It was what it was. It was damaging and it was hurtful, and it was not a cool experience.

However, I must go on and I feel so proud and strong in the knowledge that through all of this, no matter how bad it was, I stayed in God's will. I did my part. I am still standing as tall as possible to be the woman God created me to be and a mother my daughter can count on. Although there I times I feel bad, when I take a step back, I feel strong. I can count on God. He can count on me. I come home from work now to find my teenager alive with laughter, with small talk. What a nice difference than coming home to her being depressed and lethargic. Praise God that He carried us through - and I do.

On Saturday my husband leaves for Mexico to "find himself" and I hope that he does. The one thing I know for certain now is that if and when he ever comes back, he will never have the opportunity to hurt me again. I can't let that happen anymore. I am a child of God and I love myself like Jesus would now, not just my husband. I am working so hard to get through my grief, and yes, there is terrible grief at times. Why did this happen? Why was I so blind, so stupid? How could I have stayed in it or kept my kid in it for so long? Why didn't God answer my one prayer? What is wrong with me? Is he right that I am worthless? All that CRAP starts floating in me.

That crap is just that, crap. I am a new creation in Christ. I am not playing with God, I am for real. I am not wearing a masquerade, what you see is what I am. I am working on guarding myself at all costs. I am listening to the voice of God and my Life Advisor to keep myself safe and in God's will with all that I am. The truth of the matter is that I'm worth it. Maybe God didn't restore my husband to Himself and to us because he has something much greater in store. Who knows, but I am going to stay in God's will and as soon as I am shown that one, I'll let you know.

Today, I ask you to join me in praying that we all know what we are worth. That everybody sees their value and do their best to live it out. That we pray for people still living in a household where abuse is present, that they find a way out because they are worth it.

Hallelujah!