Tidalwaves and Tender Touches

Well, this is my second week on my own with my daughter. I must say that God is there in the mix. I see especially in her, a tremendous healing throughout her entire spirit. What a blessing it is to have my daughter, who when I used to come home after work when we were living with her father, would be in bed listless, unhappy and glued to the tube, be up and alive and actually smiling when I get home from and greeting me. What a blessing it is to be able to walk home from my bus stop and not have a shouting match at Satan as I prayed for God's hedge of protection around me to walk in my own door. What a blessing it is to be able to get near my home and not begin to shake through my entire core. Yes, God's hand is on us.

Yet, for me - while my daughter is healing, something that is so measurable and strong and I praise God for, there are times when I don't think I can do it. I will be fine in one moment, and then in the next a tidalwave of hurt and sadness and grief overtake me to such an extent that I don't know what to do. I have been finding myself on my knees just praying for God to strengthen my heart and praising Him for all the good He has done and is working on doing. I loved my husband with all I was. I believe in God with all I am and believe that he is the Great Healer of all things.

We ate dinner with my husband the other night, something my daughter didn't want to do because she knew it would be horrible even though I thought my husband must have had a change of heart which is why he invited the two of us anyways, I made her go. While eating dinner with him, believe me, I lost my appetite and didn't eat, I realized something that hurt deeply and only God can fix. My husband does not see me. I am so far from perfect that we won't even go there, but I am also at the same time, good to the core in the fact that I am doing all I can to stay in God's will. My husband sees this woman that he has created in his mind. A woman created out of his accusations of the things that were and are possible for me to do and to have done. Even Dianne, on a bad day before serving God like I am now was not the woman he sees. That hurt. I am not serving God to prove anything to my husband, but it hurts that the one I have loved so deeply and for so long sees nothing good in me. I have been told this week that he never wants to see me or talk with me and of course he again filled me in on the things "he knows" that I did.

Yes, the Great Physician has his work cut out for Him in healing my heart. Along with that he has his work cut out for him in providing my husband with the clarity to maybe not see me, but to at least see himself. Along with not seeing the real me, in the now or in the past, he most certainly sees himself in an imagined light. I will continue to pray for him, but I am certainly praying for me. I want to heal. I want to be real in happiness, not fake where even if it's all good, but there is a piece of me so pained that the good is always tainted.

My daughter and I came home from that dinner and I don't know if it is possible for this to happen, but it was like the demon in him rubbed off on me. He sat at that table with his foulness and ugliness shining so brightly. I got home and cussed and cussed and cussed. No lie. It was horrible. I had to rebuke myself and it made me cry that I would let that happen to me. I do not do that, never really was big on it in the first place, but there I was the other night just like a pro. I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger. I started singing "rain down on me" just hoping God could wash off anything that I felt "stuck" to me from our visit with him.

Another healing moment came the next day when I called my daughter from work and sincerely apologized to her for having made her go. We had had a nice plan for that evening that I put on the back burner because he called. I should have stuck to the plan and I told her that. The praise comes in in that she received my apology with a grace in her that took me by surprise. A grace that I had always hoped I was providing a good model for, but I think that by keeping her in those depressed and unstable surroundings, a grace that could not or would not shine through . I was worried about the neighborhood we moved into, but so far, the only cuss words I have heard there came from my own mouth in my own home. Shame on me for not being stronger.

My Life Advisor told me that to not move from the situation was selfish on my part in regards to my daughter. He was right. My daughter is so much better off right now. The funny thing is that she has stepped up to the plate as well. She - on her own remembers to do her chores and is always happy to see me when I get home and is thoughtful of things towards me and is constantly keeping me in the know of what she's got going on.

Praise God that my baby is healing. Our relationship is healing. We are having fun together. Ha, we really don't have any money, we don't have cable, but we have had great prayer time, great hang out time and we truly like our place. We are both even falling more in love with the dog.

My husband leaves to "find himself in Mexico" on the 21st - one week from tomorrow. I am scared. I am excited at the same time.

So, my daughter and I will truly be without him soon. I am certain that I will have a few more tidalwaves, but I do hope that they will, in the not too far off future, begin to become like gentle waves lapping the shore. I pray that God will continue to heal me with his tender touches and will keep me aware of all the positive changes He is doing, one step at a time and that I will praise Him for each and every one of them. We are going to make it.

Today I ask you to join me in praising God for the friends that I have that let me go through a tidalwave on their shoulder. For my daughter that doesn't get mad at me when one hits. For friends that invited me to karaoke. For friends that came to dinner and shared with me one of the most blessed evenings I have had in probably 20 years. I ask you to please pray that my daughter is not hit by a tidalwave when her father really leaves as she struggled with some "why doesn't my dad love me/why does he want to leave me" moments before we moved. I ask you pray that God's tender touch is on both of us as we meander along in His will and that we heal.

Hallelujah!