Last night after I got home from work, I ate dinner and pretty much hit the bed. I asked myself if it was too early to go to sleep, but I think that the 6:00 time showing on my cell phone said that it was. Nonetheless, whether or not I was going to sleep at that time, which I didn't, I stayed on the bed. For one, my first run in a million years of 2 miles the day before, although it felt great physically at the time and mentally now, kind of kicked my butt. (I will be back out there today though and this time for 3 miles). For two, I took a big step towards healing one of the many fractures in my family, but one that I needed to and should take for my daughter's sake. For three, I knew I was safe lying there on that bed.
I found myself in a bit of a struggle yesterday, but even during that struggle, I found myself - once again amazed by God. Isn't he the coolest God that he knows we have mountains to deal with, but he really only has us to deal with one of them at a time. I am so glad to see that I have come to such a place of trusting Him that I know that I will be able to climb that mountain, go through a valley and rest before I get to the next one. Praise the Lord.
I just finished the mountain of stopping smoking. The real hard part is over, now it is just up to me to maintain that I never pick up a cigarette again. Yesterday, the old smoker in me actually wanted to smoke, but the new in me just won't let that happen. I even woke up from a dream today where I was smoking a cigarrette. No, the battle's not over, but hey, at least I'm aware of it and am actively doing things to not go there again. One of those things yesterday might have been to just lay on the bed. I remember one friend who quit smoking years ago did frequently go to bed early just to avoid smoking til she was stronger. Pastor spoke in church of how we need to build safeguards to keep ourselves from ungodliness. Why not let that be a bed for a night?
The issue I dealt with yesterday was a hard one. I was wronged and hurt badly by somebody I thought loved me and someone that I showed the utmost of love and kindness towards. After that occurred, I did the human thing of not wanting to go there again and staying away, telling my daughter that she needed to stay away as well. Although I'd like to think that I extended forgiveness - after all, I did try to rectify the situation more than once, I still had hurt and anger over the situation and my daughter caught the brunt of it just by the mere fact that she was here and the other person wasn't. I needed to change the situation. Maybe one of the reasons I ran to the bed last night was because I really didn't sleep the night before because I had behaved badly and this was not the first time I had done so over this issue and I was "thinking carefully about what is right and wanting to stop sinning" (1 Cor. 15:33)
I needed to do something so I did. With the help of my accountability partners I put aside my pride and my human self, and faxed off a note to the other person, praying each step of the way that God be with me and that this act be something that will further His glory in mine and my daughter's life. This act, although it will help heal my daughter immensely if received correctly, forces me to to have to open myself up to stuff. You know stuff. More hurt. More reality checks of what is and what isn't. More stuff. I thank God that He stays with us through stuff. I know God was sitting on the end of that bad just making sure I knew He was there. But you know, maybe I still have stuff to go through to get me through to a place of even more healing, but darn, stuff is not fun to deal with. Maybe God wants us at times to deal with it on our beds because I sure didn't leave mine.
You know, Pastor said in church on Sunday that pursuing Godliness is a courageous pursuit. I think that pursuing Godliness can also be emotionally exhausting. Maybe I pulled a bit of a Jesus and rested last night (Mark 6:31) - I went off to a quiet place and rested. Heck, I know I pulled a bit of a Jesus and wept. It was very hard for me to do what I did yesterday, but I had to do it. For my sake, to be certain that my forgiveness was complete that but mainly I had to do what I did for the sake of my daughter. She will reap benefits from this act of love that will be even more rewarding in years to come.
I sat her down and shared with her what I had done. I shared the letter as well, which I must say was well written and conveyed the love of Christ as well the strength of Christ in me. Although I took this step it in no way made me a wimp or a doormat, but rather a doorway to healing. It was not an easy thing to do, but as I stood at that fax machine, before I hit send, I paused and prayed over that letter that it do just what the Christ in me wanted it to do. My daughter is already shining a bit more because of what I did.
I think, that the way I have been behaving lately that if I were on trial for being a Christian, there might just be enough evidence to convict me. It's not easy serving God and being human at the same time. Although not a war of wills, it is a war of choices and I think that at times we might just get exhausted and need to choose to give ourselves a break and hit the bed if that's what we want to do. It's way better than running to anything that might have been in our pasts, maybe it's a way of fueling ourselves up to run to a better future.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we give ourselves the freedom to rest if we need to. That we don't feel badly about it, but we just let the house be messy for a time and just lay there knowing that maybe when we give permission to God to mold us, that we might just get worn out from being stretched in ways we aren't used to.
Hallelujah! Now I'm ready to go run those 3 miles.
No comments:
Post a Comment