Keeping On

I posted that on Friday night I came home and basically hit the bed, thinking that I was tired from my first run on Thursday and mentally dealing with the challenge of trying to create a road of peace. Saturday morning, I got up and was out running my first 3 mile run, which I did and then I came home, went to my daughter's soccer game (she's so darn good anymore) had a friend over for a while and when he left, I about fell out again and went to sleep at 8. Yesterday, I woke up, went for another 3 mile run, thinking the headache and body ache was just soreness from adjusting to running. I got home from the run and that was all I did for the day. I was not sore. I was not dealing with the peace road, nor was I dealing with the fact that I found out my STBX is going to be back in the United States again in the next two weeks or so. I was sick.

With the latest news of the STBX, I thought that my inability to move was a total freak out on my part. I got so terribly scared that I even cried as I was running, but it was the weirdest way to cry. I didn't even feel in my heart like I wanted to cry, but my eyes wouldn't stop. I'd wipe away the tears and they'd just come back again. I even began thinking my tears were caused by whatever the opposite of endorphins are. I was remarking that hey - I thought running was supposed to make you feel better. (Remember, I didn't know I was sick).

It is. I am feeling empowered. I keep thinking of the perseverance message. I don't want to be a quitter. On March 13 I am going to run the Shamrock half marathon if it kills me (I don't think it will). If I don't run another step after that, that's just fine with me, but I want to do this one thing.

In my sick/freakout/body sore whatever it was weekend after I found out he was coming back, I got scared. I am realizing how hurt I always was the last year of living with him that I just started to feel hurt all over again. I got scared of everything. Scared he was going to in some way hurt me and scared that he is going to someway hurt her or turn her world upside down again. I wanted to quit the fight to not be afraid and I wanted to give up and give in. I was seriously messed. I needed to remember who I am in Christ. When confiding with a friend, praise God I have some great ones now, he told me that God must think I'm ready to deal with this. He's right. I am ready. I do not have to give in to anything that can hurt us.

You know, I have some serious issues going on right now, but I learned something in my morning sermon today. I am living my life for Christ. I am not actively pursuing any sin in my life anymore having given up smoking, I am free to serve God with all I am. I am annointed and in that annointing, I can change the world. I have nothing to be afraid of. God will bless me because I am His and I do not need to be afraid because I will be safe in His arms. You know though, I learned something from my weekend as well that I have done for others and hope that others will in turn do as well. When a person is missing from church, I think that anybody who notices that person is gone should call and just say "Hey - I missed you, is everything ok?" It does make a difference, especially if everything isn't ok.

Today I ask you to join me in prayer to thank God that there are times we can be sick, and not know it and persevere through it. That even though we might think we have fallen that God shows us how strong we are and to really just give ourselves a little break and allow those tears, whether or not they come from the heart to just fall, maybe they are just healing rain, or maybe they are the opposites of endorphins. That God gives us friends that really care and can lift us up with just a few simple words. (Thank you Steve). That we keep on keeping on.

Hallelujah!