Don't Worry, Be Happy

You know, I feel so completely blessed. I made a conscious choice to not worry over finances when I was losing a relatively good chunk of it due to some job stuff. I still remember the day I found out how I felt. I felt and said inside. Ok God, here goes. I will not worry - You know what's going on. I am going to trust you in this. Well, I won't tell you that I haven't wondered what's going to happen, but I have not worried once, but rather, I have felt a sense of calm inside, the whole time remembering Matthew 6:26 and how the birds don't store up and God cares for them, so He will certainly care for me as well. Well, God came through. I was right to not have worried.

An incident happened this week that although it turned out so beautifully and with so much love on the part of myself and the other party, it got me to thinking. Losing a marriage is hard. Although I work so hard at being strong and at my service to the Lord. I still have very close to my surface, a big hurt over my marriage and it's demise. I know the whole serenity prayer thing, but I still really struggle with the fact that my husband left two really good people, my daughter and I. I know it's all his bad, but at times I can't help but wonder at the fairness of how she and I are left with the hurt while he just floats on freely. I don't feel envious at all of him, more like I feel sorry for him. I was a great wife. My daughter is a great daughter. Definitely his loss.

I try sometimes to find ways to be not hateful of, but strong against any feelings towards him, but the fact of the matter is that I loved him up til the day he left and I was trusting God for so long that He would restore our marriage that it's hard to just be over it. I think I'm in a limbo in that I am trying to go on with life and put the reality of the fact that he's gone, that we are no more. It's hard to just switch gears with God and get it into my head that this is forever. Sometimes there is this piece of me that believes that restoration just hasn't been in God's time yet. I know I need to wake up. In the meantime, I'm going to keep listening for the voice of God in this matter. I'm going to keep serving God with all I am and being the best me I can be. I am going to keep asking God to heal the hurt, because although I am very happy now, it doesn't take much for the hurt to make itself known.

Today I ask for special prayer for me of you. I am still - and forevermore going to be a non-smoker, but I have found myself craving a cigarette the last few days. I don't care what it takes, I will not pick up and smoke even one cigarette again, but I don't even want to think about smoking. I ask for prayer that the hurt that's right beneath the surface, not just of me, but of anybody who carries one, that it stay beneath the surface and that we always praise God that it has receded to that point. Where, for me, it once was a gaping wound, praise the Lord, it's under the skin now. Someday it won't even be there. I'll take that. Join me in prayer today that God is a God to be trusted and he will take care of our needs. We don't need to worry, he wants us to be happy.

Hallelujah!