Relapse

Last night was my last "Freedom from Smoking" class. The class had whittled down to only two of us and our two teachers. My classmate was still having a few struggles with cigarettes, but stated that she is going to keep going and she is going to remember my face and that I am going to inspire her. Hmm, made me think of which face she's going to remember and I had to laugh - again, at myself. You know, I know I'm kind of nutty right now. (In other words, you don't have to tell me.) The way God has just basically taken the wheel of my life is so far from me and I'm really starting to get it when I try to take the wheel back, so fast almost that I really am starting to even almost not even try to grab the wheel anymore.

I so relate this quitting smoking to my whole life right now. I described it "with a passion" like my teacher has not seen before she said.

I am free. I am free from anything that was ever holding me back to really become what God wants me to be. I am so amazed to even be at this point. I am so grateful to be given the opportunity to get here. It's no wonder that I have felt like crying for the last week because the reality of what I have let God mold me into is coming to pass. OH MY GOSH!! To be in a place in life that I have worked so hard to come into, fills me with an awe and a - not really afraid, but almost breathless place to be. When I look at what I was and what I am now and KNOW that God has done such a great work in me and has brought me to a place where I am truly living my life for him truly takes my breath away. I have so much growing left to do, and am so far far far away from perfect but wow. I am letting go of things I used to be and have nothing left that I am hanging on to, not a person, a place or a thing, just my faith.

I worked hard to get here, yes God molded me, but as pastor said on Sunday, this is a process and we must work at it. I actively pursed one major thing - I wanted to get out of the insanity of my life. I had to do things differently to get different results. I climbed the stairs and I am going to continue climbing them. You know, climbing those stairs can really become a pain in the butt, especially when the elevator is right there saying "Ooooh, pick me, I'm faster, easier..." Whatever, those ways don't work for me anymore. I want it all and all is not just handed to you so I'm climbing those darn stairs.

We spoke of relapse prevention last night and tried to assess what our possible triggers to relapse could be. I realized that I was holding on to a fear. I thought of the fact that my STBX could possibly be coming back from Mexico at the end of this month. I actually felt the anxiety and shakiness come to me in class. I think my demeanor might have changed for a moment because the teachers jumped into action and told me of some things I could do. Thank you to them because all of sudden I realized I was afraid, not of him, but of what he could possibly do to me in relation to what I let him do to me before. I got rid of that fear as they reminded me of who I am. Something I hope to never forget again.

Nothing of this world has control over me anymore. I am strong. I do not have to allow myself to be in a situation where I have to deal one on one with him ever again. At all costs, as much preparation as I have put into stopping smoking, I need to prepare for the time when he will just show up because being as he has no contact with myself and has stopped any contact with his daughter, the fact is is that someday, he will just show up. I think I am partly there, but I will be enlisting about 4 friends to be prepared to help me as well. I will not relapse into anything that was of me before. I am not willing to take back the wheel of my life. I am prepared for a few topsy-turvy moments, but I know that with the strength God has given me, my faith in Him and those friends that will take a few moments of advance preparation as well, all will be well.

Today pray for all of us who have changed something about us. That we see reminders of who we are in Christ and that we - if we fall, we get right back up again and keep pressing towards our goal.

Hallelujah!