A Progress Report

I have been finding myself amazed lately at how God is so at work in my life. I have been blessed beyond imagination. One of the blessings that I have been enjoying immensely is that of a network of friendships that seem to be coming all at the same time. For so long, I have felt alone in a world of people, no matter where I was. I don't feel alone, nor do I feel lonely anymore. One of my new girlfriends made me think about how happy I was last night when she told me of how her heart was just swelling after re-reading some of her journal posts and remarking at how good things are for her right now. My heart is swelling too and I often find myself close to tears at what God has brought me to.

I am growing closer to my daughter, even though she is still at times maddening, I always remember where we've come from and don't let those moments overshadow all of the good that we are experiencing. At those times I also remember that she is fifteen and isn't that a teenager's goal to bring their parents to craziness? Overall though, my daughter is a joy and I am finding joy in watching her unfold into the wonderful young woman I always knew she was going to be. Very different from me, much stronger in her personality, but a wonderful young woman.

I remember how I used to have to work so hard at everything and one of those things was "flexing my joy of the Lord" muscle. I don't have to work so hard at that now. I really think that God let me work hard at everything this past year so that I would be able to testify now that all that work, praising him when I was on the floor crying, working at flexing my joy of the Lord muscle even when I was in the pits of despair and heart-wrenching sadness and hurt, all that work will bring you to a place where you wake up one day and say to those around you, including yourself, "I am happy." I am happy, I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy.

I love my apartment that God brought me to, even though I didn't think I would - fearing it was in a bad neighborhood, it's not. I love my life without my husband in it, thinking I would never be able to live without the one that I felt God gave me, I am. I love my schedule and I love making things work out for my daughter and I. We are by no means rich, but we are making it. My car
is in good running condition after not having been for a long time and that feels good. I can occasionally afford to take my daughter on a trip knowing that we will make it there and back. We have food on the table and our bills are paid. I am taking Financial Peace University and actually have gotten baby step one down, soon to embark on baby step 2.

I do not take any of this for granted and try not to let fear creep in that this will all go away. I take protective measures to guard my heart, knowing that my someday to be ex husband could come back at any moment and try to wreak havoc on what I have going. I guard myself against a sin that would love to grab me and that I even at times entertain partaking in. It is at this time that I know that God sees my struggle and gives me the strength to recall what it is I am after. I want to serve God with all I am and know that I don't want to lose what I have going for me now based on any bad choices I could make. No, I am happy and want to stay this way.

I do have one prayer request for me today. I have an area of unforgiveness in my heart that I am struggling with against two people and unforgivenss is no fun to carry. The anger and hurt when presented with these people makes me want to not be what I am. Praise God, so far I have displayed him, but there is still the human side of me that feels the anger and hurt that wants to be just like them and be mean. I am making a choice and a decision to forgive. Please pray for me that just like I woke up the other day and realized I was happy that I wake up someday in the near future and can honestly declare that I am free of any unforgiveness.

Hallelujah! I am happy.