Have you ever thought you were something and then found you aren't what you thought you were. I thought I was stronger than I am, but have sadly realized I am not. My daughter called her father on Sunday and came to me at some point stating that he needed to talk to me. I said no, but she kept insisting and I stupidly picked up that phone. I should have known better, actually, I think I did, that I am not ready to nor able to speak with him without suffering some type of upset.
Sure enough, he was all good until he turned - you know the Jekyl Hyde thing, well, he's still the same. He turned. I still can't believe how I am struggling regaining my ground even two days later. He has decided that we don't need child support this month, possibly longer. I have found myself struggling with fear again, you know the fears of how are we going to make it, etc. What the heck is wrong with me? Prior to two days ago, I had no real anticipation of expecting anything from him and was fine in my own skin. I think it was just him saying that we would get nothing from him that made me feel this fear again. It also made me feel like crap again. For me, for my daughter. You know - the disposable people thing. Made me hurt all over again. Actually made me cry again, something I was hoping to be rid of as well and thought I was over.
I made it quite clear with my daughter that until she hears me say the words " Hey mama, I'm ready and strong enough and able to deal with your father" to protect me from having to have any dealings with him. Great, I'm so weak that I need my kid to protect me, but hey, she's 15 and she needs to realize that even mamas have limits on what they can do. I pointed out to her that we have been doing fine and I have been doing a great job, which I have been. That emotionally, I am not able to deal with the hurt and the loss if it is put in my face again right now. I think she got it. I think that she has been enjoying a strong mama. So for now I am going to give this to God and ask him to help me find my feet again. The feet that want nothing more than to be the best me I can be for His glory. The feet that look forward to the day when I can say those words to my daughter and the feet that won't fall out from under me if I have to converse with him again. I am trusting that God will bring those feet out soon. Besides, I don't want to be mad at myself, I'm doing too well and God loves me so much and I am surrounded by the best people anybody could ever want to know.
Today I ask you to pray for those that realize their limitations and that God, in His timing, will make those limitations disappear and will give us the strength to remain standing in the face of those issues.
Hallelujah
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