How Far Have I Come?

I don't really know just yet, but I am going to work on finding that out in the next two weeks. My newest homework from my Life Advisor (LA) is to work on my self esteem. To help me raise that, he had me go through some of my past assignments with him at my Monday night meeting with him because he wanted me to see in writing - my own writing nonetheless, of how much better and stronger I am getting. It was kind of cool. It was a good starting point.

I shared with you guys how a two minute call from my STBX a week ago Sunday really took me back down a few notches and I have been struggling to regain my footing. My LA helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and even in my somewhat weakness, I have grown so much stronger.

And you know what, I have. I am cutting away what I call "the tentacles of abuse" one by one. Sometimes, I picture my STBX as an octopus and even though he's way far away, there's one of those tentacles of his when I come into certain situations that make me feel one of the ways I felt when confined to his abuse and to the circumstances that I have lived under for so many years. My LA helped me to see how strong I really am because one week we went through the abuses and I am a survivor. I learned that one of the way to break free from a narcissists abuse of you is to turn it from "I was a victim of the abuse" to "I survived the abuse." And survive I did.

I survived with my belief in mankind, my belief in love, my belief in God, but most of all, I survived with my belief in me, that I am worthy of being loved by others, by God and by myself. That belief is something that was many times attacked as I was told over and over how there was so much wrong with me, that I was no good and that I was not worthy of anything but bad things to come my way. How wrong he was.

I am trying to make certain that I live my life for God and for my daughter and for me, but I will be honest and admit that there is still a part of me that wants to shine with all I am to prove him wrong. But then I remember he's a narcissist and won't care, heck I was shining all along no matter what he did to me which just made him work harder to try to make me stop shining. I guess that I don't need to prove anything to him, because I have proven I can shine under all circumstances. Now I just need to keep striving for what God has in store for me.

Tonight I ask you to join me in prayer for the healing rain of God to run down over us and just calm the fires of anything trying to come against us and wash away those things that try to come against us and hurt us. I ask you to pray that tentacles of abuse be gone.

Hallelujah!