Yesterday I rode went on a motorcycle ride spending over 12 hours and riding 572 miles. My rear end was in great distress probably after mile 40, but the sights I got to see were wonderful. This morning I awoke with just a slight reminder of how badly my rear hurt last night the last few moments of sitting on that bike. This made me think.
Healing is an active process. You don't just wake up after a long time of hurting or a way of life and not remember. I did a lot of living with my STBX (Someday to be ex) and we traveled quite a bit as well. Yesterday on that trip, there were many things that made me remember him. I personally find that frustrating. I find those memories to be a weakness and they scare me. I get scared because not all of them are bad memories, but fond ones. I get scared because those memories can still cause me to have hope and I worry that because of them, they might allow for a weakness in me.
I know that God allowed for him to go to Mexico to "find himself", to allow for me to remain here and continue to grow in God and in my ability in myself. I get afraid because what if he came back and said he found himself and was lost without my daughter and I. I must grow in my strength and know that unless he found God and God was first in his life, that he has not changed at all. I have got to not miss those fond memories because I know that must be one of his tentacles of abuse trying to hang on to me to cause me to be weak just a little bit longer.
Every time that one of those memories washed over me on the back of that bike yesterday, I asked God to continue his healing in me and to erase it. Just like the moments I was cold, but chose to sit on my coat to help my rear rather than wear it, I said to myself "I can do all things through God who strengthens me" and "My God shall provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory (warmth is what I was trusting Him for), both of those statements apply in my asking God to keep me stong. I know where God wants me. I know how He is working in my life.
God does not promise us to be better in one day, but just as my joy has come in the morning after much active work on my part, I am trusting Him that works for strength as well and will continue to strive to seek God for that strength.
So, just as my rear end hurting a little bit today is a vague reminder of how badly it hurt yesterday, those little memories, fond or not are just the same of times with my husband and just as my rear will be even better tomorrow, so will I be stronger that I will not allow those memories to ever cause me to miss what was never really there in the first place. Yes, healing is an active process, but God is good and will give us no more than we can handle. I look forward to a day when I can remember those things and not be afraid that they might cause me to be weak, but that they are simply just a memory I can recall. After all, whether or not any of our past meant anything to him, those times meant something to me and they were my life and I can't erase everything.
I have no idea what the future holds in regards to my STBX coming back to the United States or trying to re-establish a relationship with his daughter or myself. I only know that I love my God with all I am and that my daughter is my treasure. I am trusting God that He is working on me in all ways to allow for me to have whatever strength I need to face any situation when it comes my way. I, for one, am so grateful to be able to trust God enough to know that if and when a situation of having to really deal with my STBX, I will be ready to stand up and be a strong woman in Christ ready to protect myself and my daughter with His strength that He is growing in me in His way and in His timing.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we realize that we must have patience and just trust God for His timing. He has shown me that His timing is perfect and that He does pleasantly surprise us when He has made decisions on things. Praise God that he is a playful God as well. That if we align ourselves in His will, we can enjoy this fact as well, because by the time we realize what He has done in our lives, that it is like a surprise gift, and who doesn't love a surprise. Thank you Father.
Hallelujah!
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