Wow, God answered a prayer for me today and actually, he answered it last night, even before I knew I was going to have a prayer request. I am taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace university class and last week our homework was to do our real, zero balance budget. Well, it took me over 3 hours and I got it done last Friday night. Yesterday at work the email came out telling us that our bus passes were available for purchase. Well, that got me to wondering - "did I put my bus pass in my budget?". I forgot about it til I was running out the door this morning and took a quick glance and realized that yes, I had forgotten the bust pass.
I know how tight my budget is and my words out loud as I left home were "ok God, I will deal with this later, but you know that I have no idea what to do so I am trusting you." I meant it, I did not stress or anything, I just meant to deal with it when I got home. I got to work about 30 minutes later and was in awe as I got a message from somebody who likes my writings and who offered me a side job doing some edits on his writings that will cover my bus pass as well as possibly pay me some extra. That and he sent the message last night! Before I even knew I was going to have a need.
Wow, wow, wow. That told me that it does pay off to get in line with and stay in line with God's will. When I did my budget, I paid attention to my emotions, something I always like to do when doing something new. Well, my emotions were so varied, but the one emotion that prevailed was peace. Peace that I and my daughter will be ok. For God to have done what He did for me today - actually yesterday before I even knew I needed anything, is just huge to me. I am amazed at how quickly He acted on my behalf. Wow, God is certainly on the job.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all realize how much God wants to work in our lives. I ask you to join me in prayer praying for all of us that we find ways to let go and let Him. I am working on that and I am realizing the freedom there is in letting go.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
I Still Love Lantana
When I owned my home, one of the flowers I planted early on were about 4 different Lantana plants. How I looked for the first bloom of those plants each spring and said goodbye to the late blooms up through November before my plants rested for winter. What a joy to be able to plant something really small and just watch it go through it's cycles of life each year getting bigger and bigger.
I ran into a woman at the nursery once who loudly proclaimed her dislike of lantana saying how she wanted new plants each year, each season. I think my love of lantana goes along with the way I love in life. I like the things I love to last. I enjoy going through the different seasons with those things. I remember one time seeing a woman throw out her "old" plants once and wishing I had the guts to go dumpster diving. What a pleasure it is to have something that looks near death, no green on it whatsoever, just brown sticks and then one day turn around and there it is, a green leaf that the next day turns into two or more leaves and then a bloom. Ah, there is nothing better to me.
Maybe that is why I had so much hope for my marriage because the things that endeared me to growing older with my husband, you know, the lanky branches, were the very things that I looked forward to seeing new growth on each year. Oh well, those were the very things he disdained. Guess what, he is so missing out on current and future blooms because both my daughter and I are full of them.
Guess what else, I'm ok. I have two lantana plants in pots here at my apartment, one blooming, one not, but I'm gonna keep them, that and I am going to buy myself two new Lantanas. After all, I still love Lantana and find great joy in watching them change from season to season.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for growth and for hanging in there and for not giving up hope - even if it seems nothing is happening because one day, when you least expect it, God moves and Lantanas grow.
Hallelujah!
I ran into a woman at the nursery once who loudly proclaimed her dislike of lantana saying how she wanted new plants each year, each season. I think my love of lantana goes along with the way I love in life. I like the things I love to last. I enjoy going through the different seasons with those things. I remember one time seeing a woman throw out her "old" plants once and wishing I had the guts to go dumpster diving. What a pleasure it is to have something that looks near death, no green on it whatsoever, just brown sticks and then one day turn around and there it is, a green leaf that the next day turns into two or more leaves and then a bloom. Ah, there is nothing better to me.
Maybe that is why I had so much hope for my marriage because the things that endeared me to growing older with my husband, you know, the lanky branches, were the very things that I looked forward to seeing new growth on each year. Oh well, those were the very things he disdained. Guess what, he is so missing out on current and future blooms because both my daughter and I are full of them.
Guess what else, I'm ok. I have two lantana plants in pots here at my apartment, one blooming, one not, but I'm gonna keep them, that and I am going to buy myself two new Lantanas. After all, I still love Lantana and find great joy in watching them change from season to season.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for growth and for hanging in there and for not giving up hope - even if it seems nothing is happening because one day, when you least expect it, God moves and Lantanas grow.
Hallelujah!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Chains are Broken...
Shame has fallen, all my fears are gone! You know, I am so amazed at what God is doing in mine and my daughter's life. I feel so awed at the wonders He is bestowing upon us.
I just had the most blessed evening and an evening I have not experienced in probably 17 years. Thank you K, D and J, this was a blessed time for me. When you don't know how good something is, you don't know what you are missing, but I know now how wonderful it is to have a group of wonderful women around me, minus alcohol or drugs and I would know what I was missing if I didn't get the chance to do this again. My gosh, we women are hilarious and fun. What a blast and I don't really even know what made it so wonderful. Thank you Father, I am grateful.
The whole ride home that song just kept replaying in my head how the chains that held me down in my life are peeling away one at a time. I just love how God is giving me the opportunity to feel joy. Hey, I guess it is true that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Today I got to watch my daughter play soccer for the first time in her life without someone being mad at her or pushing her to do more and play harder. Maybe that push was good for her for a moment, but what a joy to watch her shine so brightly on that field to where the other parents were saying, wow that girl is good, and have that girl get into my car happy and not upset and with someone who yelled at her the whole way home or told her how she should have done better. What a joy it was to let her go to a quince party tonight and pick her up and see her so happy.
What a wonderful Saturday, one of the first of many. And to think, for this past year, my Saturdays were the worst day of the week for me. The chains on that are not just broken, they are gone.
Today I ask you to join with me in prayer for us to all have the opportunity to experience Saturdays shared with loved ones or friends that simply make our hearts smile. After all, if our hearts are smiling, aren't we better able to help others in need. I think so.
Hallelujah!
I just had the most blessed evening and an evening I have not experienced in probably 17 years. Thank you K, D and J, this was a blessed time for me. When you don't know how good something is, you don't know what you are missing, but I know now how wonderful it is to have a group of wonderful women around me, minus alcohol or drugs and I would know what I was missing if I didn't get the chance to do this again. My gosh, we women are hilarious and fun. What a blast and I don't really even know what made it so wonderful. Thank you Father, I am grateful.
The whole ride home that song just kept replaying in my head how the chains that held me down in my life are peeling away one at a time. I just love how God is giving me the opportunity to feel joy. Hey, I guess it is true that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Today I got to watch my daughter play soccer for the first time in her life without someone being mad at her or pushing her to do more and play harder. Maybe that push was good for her for a moment, but what a joy to watch her shine so brightly on that field to where the other parents were saying, wow that girl is good, and have that girl get into my car happy and not upset and with someone who yelled at her the whole way home or told her how she should have done better. What a joy it was to let her go to a quince party tonight and pick her up and see her so happy.
What a wonderful Saturday, one of the first of many. And to think, for this past year, my Saturdays were the worst day of the week for me. The chains on that are not just broken, they are gone.
Today I ask you to join with me in prayer for us to all have the opportunity to experience Saturdays shared with loved ones or friends that simply make our hearts smile. After all, if our hearts are smiling, aren't we better able to help others in need. I think so.
Hallelujah!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Financial Peace
Well, here I go, set to truly embark on my journey of Financial Peace University. Wow! Today I sat down to do the real budget. What a great time for the homework to come, right before payday. I was grateful for that as I only get paid once a month, I was excited to get started on this new life.
This truly does involve letting go, but the harsh reality of it is exactly the same as I posed the question to my pastor should I even take this class knowing that I have nothing left at the end of the month, if I even make it. He told me - yes, take the class as you never know what God has in store. Well, now I know in reality what God has to work with.
I admit that as I set to do this budget, I stopped and prayed, asking God to be with me and to help me be a good steward of His money for His glory. I also admit that when I was finally done doing this task, at least 1 1/2 hours later, I was near tears, but I said no, I will not cry because God is in control. I prayed again and then I called my accountability partners. I am so blessed to have a wonderful married couple who is going to be with me through this.
It was funny as I posed a question to her, she said "let me go to the other room and put you on speaker phone so you can ask him" and they both agreed that God was speaking to them as they both gave me the same answer. Hey, I guess God knows I am trying. I still kind of feel like crying though. One thing that looking at myself on paper as far as a budget goes is the fact that if my daughter's father even gave just a little child support for her, it would make a huge difference. This assignment made me hurt again, mad, and excited for what God will be doing, all at the same time.
I admit that even though there really is not much for us to "play" with, not much wiggle room at all, there is a certain sense of peace that no matter what, we are going to survive from day to day and we don't have to fear that. Dave Ramsey says it takes 91 days to adjust to this new way of financial living. I am going to do that 91 days and more. How exciting to be showing my daughter this legacy. It's right there in black and white. She can see the error of debt in the first place, as although I don't have much, I have some and if I didn't we would have much more "wiggle room". She can learn how to manage her money and she can learn to trust God.
Maybe I need to cry, because realizing what a wonderful thing I am doing for my daughter is touching my heart even more than realizing the reality of my fiancial situation did. Funny, and I'm not even PMS'ing. Must totally be a God thing. Praise the Lord for softening hearts.
My daughter is named Gloria. My husband named her before she was even conceived telling me when we met that we were going to get married and have a daughter and name her Gloria because everything that is good in the life is the Gloria. I ask you to join me in prayer that God place some of the memory of how he wanted and created this child so that maybe, just maybe his heart will be softened to financially support this girl, who is very good and who does not deserve anything other than to at least be cared about a little by her father.
Hallelujah!
This truly does involve letting go, but the harsh reality of it is exactly the same as I posed the question to my pastor should I even take this class knowing that I have nothing left at the end of the month, if I even make it. He told me - yes, take the class as you never know what God has in store. Well, now I know in reality what God has to work with.
I admit that as I set to do this budget, I stopped and prayed, asking God to be with me and to help me be a good steward of His money for His glory. I also admit that when I was finally done doing this task, at least 1 1/2 hours later, I was near tears, but I said no, I will not cry because God is in control. I prayed again and then I called my accountability partners. I am so blessed to have a wonderful married couple who is going to be with me through this.
It was funny as I posed a question to her, she said "let me go to the other room and put you on speaker phone so you can ask him" and they both agreed that God was speaking to them as they both gave me the same answer. Hey, I guess God knows I am trying. I still kind of feel like crying though. One thing that looking at myself on paper as far as a budget goes is the fact that if my daughter's father even gave just a little child support for her, it would make a huge difference. This assignment made me hurt again, mad, and excited for what God will be doing, all at the same time.
I admit that even though there really is not much for us to "play" with, not much wiggle room at all, there is a certain sense of peace that no matter what, we are going to survive from day to day and we don't have to fear that. Dave Ramsey says it takes 91 days to adjust to this new way of financial living. I am going to do that 91 days and more. How exciting to be showing my daughter this legacy. It's right there in black and white. She can see the error of debt in the first place, as although I don't have much, I have some and if I didn't we would have much more "wiggle room". She can learn how to manage her money and she can learn to trust God.
Maybe I need to cry, because realizing what a wonderful thing I am doing for my daughter is touching my heart even more than realizing the reality of my fiancial situation did. Funny, and I'm not even PMS'ing. Must totally be a God thing. Praise the Lord for softening hearts.
My daughter is named Gloria. My husband named her before she was even conceived telling me when we met that we were going to get married and have a daughter and name her Gloria because everything that is good in the life is the Gloria. I ask you to join me in prayer that God place some of the memory of how he wanted and created this child so that maybe, just maybe his heart will be softened to financially support this girl, who is very good and who does not deserve anything other than to at least be cared about a little by her father.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Strange Days
Well, today I did it. I blew it in more than one way. Today I kind of sucked in my christian walk. Today I realized how far from perfect I am. Today I realized that I need to ask God to help me be even stronger in a few areas of my life.
I, personally am going to blame it on the full moon because I didn't seem to be the only kind of funky person in the world today. But, I should be better than what I was today. I should have risen above.
One of the ways I blew it, I'm only going to tell you about one, was that I got angry with somebody that I feel has slighted me greatly and I did not control a few of my words. No, I didn't fall victim to cursing or anything (I wanted to), but I did not totally display the love of Jesus either. I should have been better at displaying the Love of the Lord, but I wasn't.
In this case, I have been being treated quite poorly by this person and I guess hidden inside of me is unforgiveness at this and when faced with having to deal with this person, maybe, just maybe some of the old hurts all came out at once. Who knows, but I could have been better.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we pray harder for those who curse us to be blessed, to come to know the love of the Lord. I ask you to join me in prayer that we each remember that "it's your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh God." May we display His kindness for others to realize their wrongs and come to repentance.
What a strange day this was.
Hallelujah!
I, personally am going to blame it on the full moon because I didn't seem to be the only kind of funky person in the world today. But, I should be better than what I was today. I should have risen above.
One of the ways I blew it, I'm only going to tell you about one, was that I got angry with somebody that I feel has slighted me greatly and I did not control a few of my words. No, I didn't fall victim to cursing or anything (I wanted to), but I did not totally display the love of Jesus either. I should have been better at displaying the Love of the Lord, but I wasn't.
In this case, I have been being treated quite poorly by this person and I guess hidden inside of me is unforgiveness at this and when faced with having to deal with this person, maybe, just maybe some of the old hurts all came out at once. Who knows, but I could have been better.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we pray harder for those who curse us to be blessed, to come to know the love of the Lord. I ask you to join me in prayer that we each remember that "it's your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh God." May we display His kindness for others to realize their wrongs and come to repentance.
What a strange day this was.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's All Coming Back To Me Now
My Lord just keeps on healing me. As long as I continue to trust Him, I am getting back up. This week I have uncovered two areas of fear that I was living in. What a wonderful thing to find these things out so that now I can ask God to heal me in these areas. I honestly didn't even know they were there, but now that I do, I can let go and trust Him even more with my life.
Have you ever had people come into your life that you just fall in love with? The people that truly care about you and want the best for you. I have four of those people in my life like that right now. Three women and one man. I am remarking at how the love is so genuine and so above any relational, sexual type of love. It is the kind of love that I think comes straight from a heart of God. I am thanking God for these people because it is a whole new realm, one I really have not experienced before.
I think that the way I was before that phone call is coming back to me now, that and new realizations that are making where I was then even smaller than where I am headed now.
Yahweh, my Lord I cry, Jehovah, Elohim, my Lord most high when my hands are raised my knees they fall as I simply pray... I am set free because He is my conquerer. He is all I need.
Today join me in prayer for healing. For faithlessness uncovered that turns into new faith discoverd. For a God who is so very worthy to be praised.
Hallelujah!
Have you ever had people come into your life that you just fall in love with? The people that truly care about you and want the best for you. I have four of those people in my life like that right now. Three women and one man. I am remarking at how the love is so genuine and so above any relational, sexual type of love. It is the kind of love that I think comes straight from a heart of God. I am thanking God for these people because it is a whole new realm, one I really have not experienced before.
I think that the way I was before that phone call is coming back to me now, that and new realizations that are making where I was then even smaller than where I am headed now.
Yahweh, my Lord I cry, Jehovah, Elohim, my Lord most high when my hands are raised my knees they fall as I simply pray... I am set free because He is my conquerer. He is all I need.
Today join me in prayer for healing. For faithlessness uncovered that turns into new faith discoverd. For a God who is so very worthy to be praised.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
How Far Have I Come?
I don't really know just yet, but I am going to work on finding that out in the next two weeks. My newest homework from my Life Advisor (LA) is to work on my self esteem. To help me raise that, he had me go through some of my past assignments with him at my Monday night meeting with him because he wanted me to see in writing - my own writing nonetheless, of how much better and stronger I am getting. It was kind of cool. It was a good starting point.
I shared with you guys how a two minute call from my STBX a week ago Sunday really took me back down a few notches and I have been struggling to regain my footing. My LA helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and even in my somewhat weakness, I have grown so much stronger.
And you know what, I have. I am cutting away what I call "the tentacles of abuse" one by one. Sometimes, I picture my STBX as an octopus and even though he's way far away, there's one of those tentacles of his when I come into certain situations that make me feel one of the ways I felt when confined to his abuse and to the circumstances that I have lived under for so many years. My LA helped me to see how strong I really am because one week we went through the abuses and I am a survivor. I learned that one of the way to break free from a narcissists abuse of you is to turn it from "I was a victim of the abuse" to "I survived the abuse." And survive I did.
I survived with my belief in mankind, my belief in love, my belief in God, but most of all, I survived with my belief in me, that I am worthy of being loved by others, by God and by myself. That belief is something that was many times attacked as I was told over and over how there was so much wrong with me, that I was no good and that I was not worthy of anything but bad things to come my way. How wrong he was.
I am trying to make certain that I live my life for God and for my daughter and for me, but I will be honest and admit that there is still a part of me that wants to shine with all I am to prove him wrong. But then I remember he's a narcissist and won't care, heck I was shining all along no matter what he did to me which just made him work harder to try to make me stop shining. I guess that I don't need to prove anything to him, because I have proven I can shine under all circumstances. Now I just need to keep striving for what God has in store for me.
Tonight I ask you to join me in prayer for the healing rain of God to run down over us and just calm the fires of anything trying to come against us and wash away those things that try to come against us and hurt us. I ask you to pray that tentacles of abuse be gone.
Hallelujah!
I shared with you guys how a two minute call from my STBX a week ago Sunday really took me back down a few notches and I have been struggling to regain my footing. My LA helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and even in my somewhat weakness, I have grown so much stronger.
And you know what, I have. I am cutting away what I call "the tentacles of abuse" one by one. Sometimes, I picture my STBX as an octopus and even though he's way far away, there's one of those tentacles of his when I come into certain situations that make me feel one of the ways I felt when confined to his abuse and to the circumstances that I have lived under for so many years. My LA helped me to see how strong I really am because one week we went through the abuses and I am a survivor. I learned that one of the way to break free from a narcissists abuse of you is to turn it from "I was a victim of the abuse" to "I survived the abuse." And survive I did.
I survived with my belief in mankind, my belief in love, my belief in God, but most of all, I survived with my belief in me, that I am worthy of being loved by others, by God and by myself. That belief is something that was many times attacked as I was told over and over how there was so much wrong with me, that I was no good and that I was not worthy of anything but bad things to come my way. How wrong he was.
I am trying to make certain that I live my life for God and for my daughter and for me, but I will be honest and admit that there is still a part of me that wants to shine with all I am to prove him wrong. But then I remember he's a narcissist and won't care, heck I was shining all along no matter what he did to me which just made him work harder to try to make me stop shining. I guess that I don't need to prove anything to him, because I have proven I can shine under all circumstances. Now I just need to keep striving for what God has in store for me.
Tonight I ask you to join me in prayer for the healing rain of God to run down over us and just calm the fires of anything trying to come against us and wash away those things that try to come against us and hurt us. I ask you to pray that tentacles of abuse be gone.
Hallelujah!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I Have Hope
This last week was a bit difficult on me, but I knew the whole time through it, it was because I was not trusting God like normal. However, I just couldn't seem to put my finger on the place where that lack of trust was nor could I seem to regain my footing to get back to the spot that I have been in for a while. Tonight - however, I went to my experiencing the spirit service at church and the subject was hope and I regained my hope once again.
How empowering hope is. When you have hope in the Lord to take care of all of your needs and you trust that He will, you realize that you are basically invincible if you are living within the will of God for your life. There is no fear in that place. What do you have to be afraid of if you are living in God's will? You have none.
I came home from church feeling like me again. Praise the Lord!
My son is 23 and I have been feeling hopeless in regards to his life and the choices he is making for that life. He just got out of jail on Friday and had been there for about 2 weeks. He lost his job due to his incarceration and I have basically been feeling hopeless about his life, but I have been telling this to God and asking God to guide me in regards to my son and praying for my son. Well, after church this evening, I called my son just to say hello and was again amazed by God.
It seems my son ran out of gas and told me that he had no sooner gotten out of his car than a young man about 28 years old came and offered to take him to the gas station. The young man had a bible on his dashboard and told my son he just got out of church and that church just happens to be mine and my daughter's old church that we left when we moved away from Sacramento to Redding. This church is maybe one mile from my son's home. My son had been to that church before with us (it's a great church) and the young man invited my son to go there. Well, all my son could do was talk about how nice this guy was. This just opened a door for me to witness to my son and urge him to start bringin his life before the Lord in prayer. Stating to him that he just never knows what God can or will do. Praise the Lord. I am going to go with my son to this church this Wednesday and will arrange prior to that day to have some college aged students that will be there introduce themselves to my son and invite them to their college aged group.
You know, God is hope and we just don't know what He has planned for our lives. After church tonight, I regained my hope for my life. God amazed me by showing me that there was hope for my son and that I am not to quit praying for my son. I won't.
Today I ask you to pray for those of us who have lost our hope. Pray for our pastors who remind us of how God wants us to never lose our hope.
Hallelujah!
How empowering hope is. When you have hope in the Lord to take care of all of your needs and you trust that He will, you realize that you are basically invincible if you are living within the will of God for your life. There is no fear in that place. What do you have to be afraid of if you are living in God's will? You have none.
I came home from church feeling like me again. Praise the Lord!
My son is 23 and I have been feeling hopeless in regards to his life and the choices he is making for that life. He just got out of jail on Friday and had been there for about 2 weeks. He lost his job due to his incarceration and I have basically been feeling hopeless about his life, but I have been telling this to God and asking God to guide me in regards to my son and praying for my son. Well, after church this evening, I called my son just to say hello and was again amazed by God.
It seems my son ran out of gas and told me that he had no sooner gotten out of his car than a young man about 28 years old came and offered to take him to the gas station. The young man had a bible on his dashboard and told my son he just got out of church and that church just happens to be mine and my daughter's old church that we left when we moved away from Sacramento to Redding. This church is maybe one mile from my son's home. My son had been to that church before with us (it's a great church) and the young man invited my son to go there. Well, all my son could do was talk about how nice this guy was. This just opened a door for me to witness to my son and urge him to start bringin his life before the Lord in prayer. Stating to him that he just never knows what God can or will do. Praise the Lord. I am going to go with my son to this church this Wednesday and will arrange prior to that day to have some college aged students that will be there introduce themselves to my son and invite them to their college aged group.
You know, God is hope and we just don't know what He has planned for our lives. After church tonight, I regained my hope for my life. God amazed me by showing me that there was hope for my son and that I am not to quit praying for my son. I won't.
Today I ask you to pray for those of us who have lost our hope. Pray for our pastors who remind us of how God wants us to never lose our hope.
Hallelujah!
Friday, September 17, 2010
There is so much good in this world if you look
Oh my gosh, what a joyful morning I had today. My daughter was raised more by my STBX than myself as I have always worked full time since she was 6 weeks old and he was home quite a bit more with her than I was. For me it comes as no suprise that her tempermant is more like his than mine. This morning, I was being me and she was being herself and it was HILARIOUS in my household with the dog right there in the middle of us squeaking his squeaky toy running over to the cat who just had to hiss at him. I could not stop laughing as my daughter tried not to smile, but couldn't help herself. Praise the Lord for simple pleasures!
I went to go get a new mirror put on my car to fix the mess I made when I backed out and forgot about the ground to ceiling pylon to the left of me and ran into a young man, Omar, I knew when he was a child. He is 26 now and it was such a blessing to see how well he is doing. Graduated from college, active in his catholic church with the Knights of Columbus and preparing to enter a master's program. More than that though, he man shined at when he remembered me. I shined as well. I always enjoyed Omar and his 2 brothers coming over to visit and hang out with my 3 boys.
His father was a good friend of my STBX from alcoholics anonymous for many years, my husband had been alcohol free for 22 years prior to going back to drinking 3 years ago. When speaking to Omar it was so neat in that when he asked me about life, I was able to testify to being a Christian and it was at that time that he told me of how he had gotten away from church for a short period, but has been active in his faith for the past year and 1/2 and never wants to stray from it again. Seeing him after this morning just made me forget about the past week of feeling badly and regaining my feet. I thought it was so cute that Omar told me - and told me again, if I ever needed anything like car repairs to please call him. I look forward to getting together with him and his family for some good old mexican cooking. Maybe some pozole - it always warms the heart as well as the belly.
Yes, there is so much good in this world if you just look for it. It doesn't require money or anything fancy, it just requires being available to enjoy it.
Today join me in prayer for the simple things in life. Laughter with a kid who doesn't want to smile but can't help themself. Running into someone you knew as a child who is making it in this world and is trying to make the world a better place. Praise the Lord for the joy of the Lord that comes at the most unexpected time.
Hallelujah!
I went to go get a new mirror put on my car to fix the mess I made when I backed out and forgot about the ground to ceiling pylon to the left of me and ran into a young man, Omar, I knew when he was a child. He is 26 now and it was such a blessing to see how well he is doing. Graduated from college, active in his catholic church with the Knights of Columbus and preparing to enter a master's program. More than that though, he man shined at when he remembered me. I shined as well. I always enjoyed Omar and his 2 brothers coming over to visit and hang out with my 3 boys.
His father was a good friend of my STBX from alcoholics anonymous for many years, my husband had been alcohol free for 22 years prior to going back to drinking 3 years ago. When speaking to Omar it was so neat in that when he asked me about life, I was able to testify to being a Christian and it was at that time that he told me of how he had gotten away from church for a short period, but has been active in his faith for the past year and 1/2 and never wants to stray from it again. Seeing him after this morning just made me forget about the past week of feeling badly and regaining my feet. I thought it was so cute that Omar told me - and told me again, if I ever needed anything like car repairs to please call him. I look forward to getting together with him and his family for some good old mexican cooking. Maybe some pozole - it always warms the heart as well as the belly.
Yes, there is so much good in this world if you just look for it. It doesn't require money or anything fancy, it just requires being available to enjoy it.
Today join me in prayer for the simple things in life. Laughter with a kid who doesn't want to smile but can't help themself. Running into someone you knew as a child who is making it in this world and is trying to make the world a better place. Praise the Lord for the joy of the Lord that comes at the most unexpected time.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Yes I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time... Well, Sunday really threw me for a loop. I can't even explain why, but my heart and my head got messed up all because of a stupid two minute conversation with my STBX. I went to my Financial Peace University class on Tuesday night and walked out of the part of the video directed at married couples. I found myself near tears or near a fit of rage, so I thought it would be best to avoid either and went out of the room for a moment.
I have struggled this week to get back to where I worked so hard to get myself to this past month and was prior to that conversation. Can you just believe it? I have had trouble believing it myself. I found myself hurting all over again over the loss I felt, hoping that God still might change thing and being so full of anger over the choices my STBX has made that I almost couldn't stand myself. That's ok though because I know where God has brought me and I know that I am right where He wants me to be.
My daughter found herself at a point of anger with him this week too. He has decided that he does not want to pay any child support, something I really was never counting on but of course hoping for. However, I think when he said that he wasn't going to give anything, it was just another slap in the face to both of us in that it reminded us both of how we were disposable and unimportant to him. I am glad she got angry - at least she let that one out. I was a bit more hurt than angry because his lack of caring for her especially can cut me deeply.
Funny too, I went to worship rehearsal tonight and I love love love my worship team family and I love singing praises to the Lord. Funny thing, I live a life of prayer, but I live a life of song as well. For every sitution you are faced with, there is a song that you can sing to get yourself out of that funk. Praise the Lord, but worship rehearsal certainly took some of the edge off of the funk I was letting myself fall into and having a hard time getting out of.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God that he gave us hearts for worship and music to sing. He must have known that these could be things we could and would use to lift ourselves back to where we need to be.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
I have struggled this week to get back to where I worked so hard to get myself to this past month and was prior to that conversation. Can you just believe it? I have had trouble believing it myself. I found myself hurting all over again over the loss I felt, hoping that God still might change thing and being so full of anger over the choices my STBX has made that I almost couldn't stand myself. That's ok though because I know where God has brought me and I know that I am right where He wants me to be.
My daughter found herself at a point of anger with him this week too. He has decided that he does not want to pay any child support, something I really was never counting on but of course hoping for. However, I think when he said that he wasn't going to give anything, it was just another slap in the face to both of us in that it reminded us both of how we were disposable and unimportant to him. I am glad she got angry - at least she let that one out. I was a bit more hurt than angry because his lack of caring for her especially can cut me deeply.
Funny too, I went to worship rehearsal tonight and I love love love my worship team family and I love singing praises to the Lord. Funny thing, I live a life of prayer, but I live a life of song as well. For every sitution you are faced with, there is a song that you can sing to get yourself out of that funk. Praise the Lord, but worship rehearsal certainly took some of the edge off of the funk I was letting myself fall into and having a hard time getting out of.
Today I ask you to join me in praising God that he gave us hearts for worship and music to sing. He must have known that these could be things we could and would use to lift ourselves back to where we need to be.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I'm Mad at Me
Have you ever thought you were something and then found you aren't what you thought you were. I thought I was stronger than I am, but have sadly realized I am not. My daughter called her father on Sunday and came to me at some point stating that he needed to talk to me. I said no, but she kept insisting and I stupidly picked up that phone. I should have known better, actually, I think I did, that I am not ready to nor able to speak with him without suffering some type of upset.
Sure enough, he was all good until he turned - you know the Jekyl Hyde thing, well, he's still the same. He turned. I still can't believe how I am struggling regaining my ground even two days later. He has decided that we don't need child support this month, possibly longer. I have found myself struggling with fear again, you know the fears of how are we going to make it, etc. What the heck is wrong with me? Prior to two days ago, I had no real anticipation of expecting anything from him and was fine in my own skin. I think it was just him saying that we would get nothing from him that made me feel this fear again. It also made me feel like crap again. For me, for my daughter. You know - the disposable people thing. Made me hurt all over again. Actually made me cry again, something I was hoping to be rid of as well and thought I was over.
I made it quite clear with my daughter that until she hears me say the words " Hey mama, I'm ready and strong enough and able to deal with your father" to protect me from having to have any dealings with him. Great, I'm so weak that I need my kid to protect me, but hey, she's 15 and she needs to realize that even mamas have limits on what they can do. I pointed out to her that we have been doing fine and I have been doing a great job, which I have been. That emotionally, I am not able to deal with the hurt and the loss if it is put in my face again right now. I think she got it. I think that she has been enjoying a strong mama. So for now I am going to give this to God and ask him to help me find my feet again. The feet that want nothing more than to be the best me I can be for His glory. The feet that look forward to the day when I can say those words to my daughter and the feet that won't fall out from under me if I have to converse with him again. I am trusting that God will bring those feet out soon. Besides, I don't want to be mad at myself, I'm doing too well and God loves me so much and I am surrounded by the best people anybody could ever want to know.
Today I ask you to pray for those that realize their limitations and that God, in His timing, will make those limitations disappear and will give us the strength to remain standing in the face of those issues.
Hallelujah
Sure enough, he was all good until he turned - you know the Jekyl Hyde thing, well, he's still the same. He turned. I still can't believe how I am struggling regaining my ground even two days later. He has decided that we don't need child support this month, possibly longer. I have found myself struggling with fear again, you know the fears of how are we going to make it, etc. What the heck is wrong with me? Prior to two days ago, I had no real anticipation of expecting anything from him and was fine in my own skin. I think it was just him saying that we would get nothing from him that made me feel this fear again. It also made me feel like crap again. For me, for my daughter. You know - the disposable people thing. Made me hurt all over again. Actually made me cry again, something I was hoping to be rid of as well and thought I was over.
I made it quite clear with my daughter that until she hears me say the words " Hey mama, I'm ready and strong enough and able to deal with your father" to protect me from having to have any dealings with him. Great, I'm so weak that I need my kid to protect me, but hey, she's 15 and she needs to realize that even mamas have limits on what they can do. I pointed out to her that we have been doing fine and I have been doing a great job, which I have been. That emotionally, I am not able to deal with the hurt and the loss if it is put in my face again right now. I think she got it. I think that she has been enjoying a strong mama. So for now I am going to give this to God and ask him to help me find my feet again. The feet that want nothing more than to be the best me I can be for His glory. The feet that look forward to the day when I can say those words to my daughter and the feet that won't fall out from under me if I have to converse with him again. I am trusting that God will bring those feet out soon. Besides, I don't want to be mad at myself, I'm doing too well and God loves me so much and I am surrounded by the best people anybody could ever want to know.
Today I ask you to pray for those that realize their limitations and that God, in His timing, will make those limitations disappear and will give us the strength to remain standing in the face of those issues.
Hallelujah
Sunday, September 12, 2010
God is So Good
Yesterday I rode went on a motorcycle ride spending over 12 hours and riding 572 miles. My rear end was in great distress probably after mile 40, but the sights I got to see were wonderful. This morning I awoke with just a slight reminder of how badly my rear hurt last night the last few moments of sitting on that bike. This made me think.
Healing is an active process. You don't just wake up after a long time of hurting or a way of life and not remember. I did a lot of living with my STBX (Someday to be ex) and we traveled quite a bit as well. Yesterday on that trip, there were many things that made me remember him. I personally find that frustrating. I find those memories to be a weakness and they scare me. I get scared because not all of them are bad memories, but fond ones. I get scared because those memories can still cause me to have hope and I worry that because of them, they might allow for a weakness in me.
I know that God allowed for him to go to Mexico to "find himself", to allow for me to remain here and continue to grow in God and in my ability in myself. I get afraid because what if he came back and said he found himself and was lost without my daughter and I. I must grow in my strength and know that unless he found God and God was first in his life, that he has not changed at all. I have got to not miss those fond memories because I know that must be one of his tentacles of abuse trying to hang on to me to cause me to be weak just a little bit longer.
Every time that one of those memories washed over me on the back of that bike yesterday, I asked God to continue his healing in me and to erase it. Just like the moments I was cold, but chose to sit on my coat to help my rear rather than wear it, I said to myself "I can do all things through God who strengthens me" and "My God shall provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory (warmth is what I was trusting Him for), both of those statements apply in my asking God to keep me stong. I know where God wants me. I know how He is working in my life.
God does not promise us to be better in one day, but just as my joy has come in the morning after much active work on my part, I am trusting Him that works for strength as well and will continue to strive to seek God for that strength.
So, just as my rear end hurting a little bit today is a vague reminder of how badly it hurt yesterday, those little memories, fond or not are just the same of times with my husband and just as my rear will be even better tomorrow, so will I be stronger that I will not allow those memories to ever cause me to miss what was never really there in the first place. Yes, healing is an active process, but God is good and will give us no more than we can handle. I look forward to a day when I can remember those things and not be afraid that they might cause me to be weak, but that they are simply just a memory I can recall. After all, whether or not any of our past meant anything to him, those times meant something to me and they were my life and I can't erase everything.
I have no idea what the future holds in regards to my STBX coming back to the United States or trying to re-establish a relationship with his daughter or myself. I only know that I love my God with all I am and that my daughter is my treasure. I am trusting God that He is working on me in all ways to allow for me to have whatever strength I need to face any situation when it comes my way. I, for one, am so grateful to be able to trust God enough to know that if and when a situation of having to really deal with my STBX, I will be ready to stand up and be a strong woman in Christ ready to protect myself and my daughter with His strength that He is growing in me in His way and in His timing.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we realize that we must have patience and just trust God for His timing. He has shown me that His timing is perfect and that He does pleasantly surprise us when He has made decisions on things. Praise God that he is a playful God as well. That if we align ourselves in His will, we can enjoy this fact as well, because by the time we realize what He has done in our lives, that it is like a surprise gift, and who doesn't love a surprise. Thank you Father.
Hallelujah!
Healing is an active process. You don't just wake up after a long time of hurting or a way of life and not remember. I did a lot of living with my STBX (Someday to be ex) and we traveled quite a bit as well. Yesterday on that trip, there were many things that made me remember him. I personally find that frustrating. I find those memories to be a weakness and they scare me. I get scared because not all of them are bad memories, but fond ones. I get scared because those memories can still cause me to have hope and I worry that because of them, they might allow for a weakness in me.
I know that God allowed for him to go to Mexico to "find himself", to allow for me to remain here and continue to grow in God and in my ability in myself. I get afraid because what if he came back and said he found himself and was lost without my daughter and I. I must grow in my strength and know that unless he found God and God was first in his life, that he has not changed at all. I have got to not miss those fond memories because I know that must be one of his tentacles of abuse trying to hang on to me to cause me to be weak just a little bit longer.
Every time that one of those memories washed over me on the back of that bike yesterday, I asked God to continue his healing in me and to erase it. Just like the moments I was cold, but chose to sit on my coat to help my rear rather than wear it, I said to myself "I can do all things through God who strengthens me" and "My God shall provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory (warmth is what I was trusting Him for), both of those statements apply in my asking God to keep me stong. I know where God wants me. I know how He is working in my life.
God does not promise us to be better in one day, but just as my joy has come in the morning after much active work on my part, I am trusting Him that works for strength as well and will continue to strive to seek God for that strength.
So, just as my rear end hurting a little bit today is a vague reminder of how badly it hurt yesterday, those little memories, fond or not are just the same of times with my husband and just as my rear will be even better tomorrow, so will I be stronger that I will not allow those memories to ever cause me to miss what was never really there in the first place. Yes, healing is an active process, but God is good and will give us no more than we can handle. I look forward to a day when I can remember those things and not be afraid that they might cause me to be weak, but that they are simply just a memory I can recall. After all, whether or not any of our past meant anything to him, those times meant something to me and they were my life and I can't erase everything.
I have no idea what the future holds in regards to my STBX coming back to the United States or trying to re-establish a relationship with his daughter or myself. I only know that I love my God with all I am and that my daughter is my treasure. I am trusting God that He is working on me in all ways to allow for me to have whatever strength I need to face any situation when it comes my way. I, for one, am so grateful to be able to trust God enough to know that if and when a situation of having to really deal with my STBX, I will be ready to stand up and be a strong woman in Christ ready to protect myself and my daughter with His strength that He is growing in me in His way and in His timing.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we realize that we must have patience and just trust God for His timing. He has shown me that His timing is perfect and that He does pleasantly surprise us when He has made decisions on things. Praise God that he is a playful God as well. That if we align ourselves in His will, we can enjoy this fact as well, because by the time we realize what He has done in our lives, that it is like a surprise gift, and who doesn't love a surprise. Thank you Father.
Hallelujah!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A Progress Report
I have been finding myself amazed lately at how God is so at work in my life. I have been blessed beyond imagination. One of the blessings that I have been enjoying immensely is that of a network of friendships that seem to be coming all at the same time. For so long, I have felt alone in a world of people, no matter where I was. I don't feel alone, nor do I feel lonely anymore. One of my new girlfriends made me think about how happy I was last night when she told me of how her heart was just swelling after re-reading some of her journal posts and remarking at how good things are for her right now. My heart is swelling too and I often find myself close to tears at what God has brought me to.
I am growing closer to my daughter, even though she is still at times maddening, I always remember where we've come from and don't let those moments overshadow all of the good that we are experiencing. At those times I also remember that she is fifteen and isn't that a teenager's goal to bring their parents to craziness? Overall though, my daughter is a joy and I am finding joy in watching her unfold into the wonderful young woman I always knew she was going to be. Very different from me, much stronger in her personality, but a wonderful young woman.
I remember how I used to have to work so hard at everything and one of those things was "flexing my joy of the Lord" muscle. I don't have to work so hard at that now. I really think that God let me work hard at everything this past year so that I would be able to testify now that all that work, praising him when I was on the floor crying, working at flexing my joy of the Lord muscle even when I was in the pits of despair and heart-wrenching sadness and hurt, all that work will bring you to a place where you wake up one day and say to those around you, including yourself, "I am happy." I am happy, I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy.
I love my apartment that God brought me to, even though I didn't think I would - fearing it was in a bad neighborhood, it's not. I love my life without my husband in it, thinking I would never be able to live without the one that I felt God gave me, I am. I love my schedule and I love making things work out for my daughter and I. We are by no means rich, but we are making it. My car
is in good running condition after not having been for a long time and that feels good. I can occasionally afford to take my daughter on a trip knowing that we will make it there and back. We have food on the table and our bills are paid. I am taking Financial Peace University and actually have gotten baby step one down, soon to embark on baby step 2.
I do not take any of this for granted and try not to let fear creep in that this will all go away. I take protective measures to guard my heart, knowing that my someday to be ex husband could come back at any moment and try to wreak havoc on what I have going. I guard myself against a sin that would love to grab me and that I even at times entertain partaking in. It is at this time that I know that God sees my struggle and gives me the strength to recall what it is I am after. I want to serve God with all I am and know that I don't want to lose what I have going for me now based on any bad choices I could make. No, I am happy and want to stay this way.
I do have one prayer request for me today. I have an area of unforgiveness in my heart that I am struggling with against two people and unforgivenss is no fun to carry. The anger and hurt when presented with these people makes me want to not be what I am. Praise God, so far I have displayed him, but there is still the human side of me that feels the anger and hurt that wants to be just like them and be mean. I am making a choice and a decision to forgive. Please pray for me that just like I woke up the other day and realized I was happy that I wake up someday in the near future and can honestly declare that I am free of any unforgiveness.
Hallelujah! I am happy.
I am growing closer to my daughter, even though she is still at times maddening, I always remember where we've come from and don't let those moments overshadow all of the good that we are experiencing. At those times I also remember that she is fifteen and isn't that a teenager's goal to bring their parents to craziness? Overall though, my daughter is a joy and I am finding joy in watching her unfold into the wonderful young woman I always knew she was going to be. Very different from me, much stronger in her personality, but a wonderful young woman.
I remember how I used to have to work so hard at everything and one of those things was "flexing my joy of the Lord" muscle. I don't have to work so hard at that now. I really think that God let me work hard at everything this past year so that I would be able to testify now that all that work, praising him when I was on the floor crying, working at flexing my joy of the Lord muscle even when I was in the pits of despair and heart-wrenching sadness and hurt, all that work will bring you to a place where you wake up one day and say to those around you, including yourself, "I am happy." I am happy, I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy.
I love my apartment that God brought me to, even though I didn't think I would - fearing it was in a bad neighborhood, it's not. I love my life without my husband in it, thinking I would never be able to live without the one that I felt God gave me, I am. I love my schedule and I love making things work out for my daughter and I. We are by no means rich, but we are making it. My car
is in good running condition after not having been for a long time and that feels good. I can occasionally afford to take my daughter on a trip knowing that we will make it there and back. We have food on the table and our bills are paid. I am taking Financial Peace University and actually have gotten baby step one down, soon to embark on baby step 2.
I do not take any of this for granted and try not to let fear creep in that this will all go away. I take protective measures to guard my heart, knowing that my someday to be ex husband could come back at any moment and try to wreak havoc on what I have going. I guard myself against a sin that would love to grab me and that I even at times entertain partaking in. It is at this time that I know that God sees my struggle and gives me the strength to recall what it is I am after. I want to serve God with all I am and know that I don't want to lose what I have going for me now based on any bad choices I could make. No, I am happy and want to stay this way.
I do have one prayer request for me today. I have an area of unforgiveness in my heart that I am struggling with against two people and unforgivenss is no fun to carry. The anger and hurt when presented with these people makes me want to not be what I am. Praise God, so far I have displayed him, but there is still the human side of me that feels the anger and hurt that wants to be just like them and be mean. I am making a choice and a decision to forgive. Please pray for me that just like I woke up the other day and realized I was happy that I wake up someday in the near future and can honestly declare that I am free of any unforgiveness.
Hallelujah! I am happy.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Growing up Strong
Try as I might, I still don't get how my husband could just leave not only me, but especially my daughter and not even look back. I heard a sermon which spoke of hardening of the heart yesterday and I just don't want that condition for my daughter. I told her that I wanted her to call her dad. He left about 1 month ago and she has heard from him once and has not called him at all. She cracked me up when he asked her when she was going to call him again and she told him in her new favorite monotone, "When my mom makes me because she made me call you this time." Wow - she's got guts and she's honest.
I spent a moment thinking of how that must have crunched him and how it should have if he had the heart to care. I guess my biggest struggle is that he just really doesn't care, about me or even her.
Last week in church, pastor hit the nail on the head when he spoke of narcissists. This was the first time I heard this type of person described. I looked up the word when I got home and this is what I came up with.
Narcissism:
Noun: inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity
psychoanalysis: being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development
Wow, that really describes what we were dealing with, now I just need to figure out how we get over it. I spoke with my daughter about what she had said to him and she said to me, "look, he didn't care anything about us to just leave us, I don't care anything about him."
I hope that he hard heartedness does not hurt her later, but I understand. I hope and I pray that he stays in Mexico and leaves us be. We are healing and I want us to both be so strong in God's grace and glory that we are untouchable to be hurt by him again. I do think that that will take a little time, so I hope that whatever he's running from doesn't catch up to him very soon so we can have the time we need to grow in the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to pray for those of us who don't see what we should be, that others have the strength if they see it to point it out to us. I ask you to pray for my daughter that the fine line between hardness of heart and self preservation lean on the side of God's desire and do not become a hatred. That she grow up strong and stay strong, but also have the love of the Lord in her heart.
Hallelujah!
I spent a moment thinking of how that must have crunched him and how it should have if he had the heart to care. I guess my biggest struggle is that he just really doesn't care, about me or even her.
Last week in church, pastor hit the nail on the head when he spoke of narcissists. This was the first time I heard this type of person described. I looked up the word when I got home and this is what I came up with.
Narcissism:
Noun: inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity
psychoanalysis: being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development
Wow, that really describes what we were dealing with, now I just need to figure out how we get over it. I spoke with my daughter about what she had said to him and she said to me, "look, he didn't care anything about us to just leave us, I don't care anything about him."
I hope that he hard heartedness does not hurt her later, but I understand. I hope and I pray that he stays in Mexico and leaves us be. We are healing and I want us to both be so strong in God's grace and glory that we are untouchable to be hurt by him again. I do think that that will take a little time, so I hope that whatever he's running from doesn't catch up to him very soon so we can have the time we need to grow in the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to pray for those of us who don't see what we should be, that others have the strength if they see it to point it out to us. I ask you to pray for my daughter that the fine line between hardness of heart and self preservation lean on the side of God's desire and do not become a hatred. That she grow up strong and stay strong, but also have the love of the Lord in her heart.
Hallelujah!
Friday, September 3, 2010
I Hear you Lord
Oh my gosh, I am so blessed. I am completely humbled at how God has blessed me. It seems that every time I turn around, His hand is present in my life and something that could be bad turns out to not be and causes me to glorify Him for the stand He is taking in my life.
Today God blessed me in such a way that I was nearly brought to tears. After a few experiences last evening combined with a huge blessing He sent my way today, I know that God is speaking to me loud and clear. He wants me to stay right where I am. He wants me to wait on Him. He wants me to serve Him with all I am. He wants me let go of my husband. He wants to keep me safe from even having any dealings with him. I hear Him.
Have you ever heard God speak to you so loudly or received so many leadings in your life from his hand that you are overwhelmed and want to shout to the world what God is doing in your life. Have you ever felt like you can't take it anymore, you want to just fall to the ground and cry and tell him thank you. Thank you for your blessings, thank you for your peace. Thank you for speaking to me and to my heart. I hear you Lord. I hear you.
Today, please join me in prayer to thank God for speaking to us. Let's thank God for loving us so much that He will make the paths He wants us to travel so clear and evident if we only align ourselves to hear from Him. Thank God with me that I have worked so hard at living for Him, that I have changed and am more and more like what He wants me to be each and every day.
Hallelujah!
Today God blessed me in such a way that I was nearly brought to tears. After a few experiences last evening combined with a huge blessing He sent my way today, I know that God is speaking to me loud and clear. He wants me to stay right where I am. He wants me to wait on Him. He wants me to serve Him with all I am. He wants me let go of my husband. He wants to keep me safe from even having any dealings with him. I hear Him.
Have you ever heard God speak to you so loudly or received so many leadings in your life from his hand that you are overwhelmed and want to shout to the world what God is doing in your life. Have you ever felt like you can't take it anymore, you want to just fall to the ground and cry and tell him thank you. Thank you for your blessings, thank you for your peace. Thank you for speaking to me and to my heart. I hear you Lord. I hear you.
Today, please join me in prayer to thank God for speaking to us. Let's thank God for loving us so much that He will make the paths He wants us to travel so clear and evident if we only align ourselves to hear from Him. Thank God with me that I have worked so hard at living for Him, that I have changed and am more and more like what He wants me to be each and every day.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Can't Blow It
You know, now that this being alone stuff is really sinking in, another reality is coming with it. I don't want to blow it. I want to do the right things - just like I was doing while I was standing for my marriage. This past year I have been living my life like God wanted me to. I need to keep it up.
There are new challenges now though aren't there. There are the invitations to go dancing, there are even invitations to "hook up" that I need to deal with. Right now, I don't think I am safe to do either of them. I don't want to live in fear of myself, but I reallly need to be careful because I am who I am. I am a drug addict, not an active one, but there's that piece of me that lies dormant and hopefully will never awaken again. One I am very careful of. I face the truth that I have an addictive personality and I need to watch my step.
I know that I need to work very hard to stay in line with God's will for my life. Tonight after worship rehearsal I went to pick up my daughter from my mother's house and my mom and I ran over to Taco Bell to get a burrito. As we were sitting in a booth discussing the latest article about the furlough fight hitting the courts, a taco bell worker, a young man probably 18 years old, said to me "You go to Cornerstone Community Church don't you?" I said that I did and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and told me that he knows me from CCC. That he was going there til a few months ago. I don't recall seeing this boy, but my mom did from a visit she made to church probably 8 months ago. It made me think. This young man was really happy to see me. I had made a good impression on him and it showed.
I want to be honorable and when I say which church I go to, I don't want people to say bad things because they've seen me behaving badly. Things like well there goes another person saying they are a christian and not walking the walk. I'm not going to her church. No, I want people to see me and say hey, which church do you go to, I see how strong you are in your faith, maybe I'll come check it out with you some Sunday. No, I can't blow it.
Today I ask you to please pray that we all see what we mean and that we need to stand up and fight blowing it. That if we do blow it, we admit it, get up and try harder to not blow it again.
Hallelujah!
There are new challenges now though aren't there. There are the invitations to go dancing, there are even invitations to "hook up" that I need to deal with. Right now, I don't think I am safe to do either of them. I don't want to live in fear of myself, but I reallly need to be careful because I am who I am. I am a drug addict, not an active one, but there's that piece of me that lies dormant and hopefully will never awaken again. One I am very careful of. I face the truth that I have an addictive personality and I need to watch my step.
I know that I need to work very hard to stay in line with God's will for my life. Tonight after worship rehearsal I went to pick up my daughter from my mother's house and my mom and I ran over to Taco Bell to get a burrito. As we were sitting in a booth discussing the latest article about the furlough fight hitting the courts, a taco bell worker, a young man probably 18 years old, said to me "You go to Cornerstone Community Church don't you?" I said that I did and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and told me that he knows me from CCC. That he was going there til a few months ago. I don't recall seeing this boy, but my mom did from a visit she made to church probably 8 months ago. It made me think. This young man was really happy to see me. I had made a good impression on him and it showed.
I want to be honorable and when I say which church I go to, I don't want people to say bad things because they've seen me behaving badly. Things like well there goes another person saying they are a christian and not walking the walk. I'm not going to her church. No, I want people to see me and say hey, which church do you go to, I see how strong you are in your faith, maybe I'll come check it out with you some Sunday. No, I can't blow it.
Today I ask you to please pray that we all see what we mean and that we need to stand up and fight blowing it. That if we do blow it, we admit it, get up and try harder to not blow it again.
Hallelujah!
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