Today has been a day of awareness, something that started coming to me over this past weekend. Funny, I knew during this past two weeks, which were kind of like a valley - that if I just hung in there, that if I just stayed in God's will, something good was going to come out of it, and it did.
I have a fellow blogger that is just a bit ahead of me in the healing game and there are times that she carries me through, and possibly, I help her as well by helping her to realize how far she has come. That's all fine and dandy to realize how far we've come by measurements of friends, or of their observations, but how amazing is it when God speaks to your heart and brings to light all that He has done for you. I am standing here to tell you that it almost always brings me to tears as well as fills me with an awe that I can't even explain.
My Life Advisor has informed me that I no longer need to see him, that I have met all of my goals. In the way that we said goodbye, it made me think back to where we started. God brought to light all of the changes in me. I am stronger. My heart is light and free and is no longer a weight that hurts 24/7. Now when I cry, I am crying - usually in awe of him, sometimes out of life's pressures, but not daily and not because of the hurt I feel over the way I or my daughter are being treated. I have real friends that care about me and I am learning to care about others as well in healthy ways and I am forming healthy relationships. I am learning that life is fun and can be fun without living in sin or going the way of the world. God is showing me that I am a new creation in Christ and I am grateful.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that more and more people will begin to let go of everything they've known and get to a place where they go the way of the Lord and find themselves to be people that they never thought they could be, always knowing there is still so much work to be done, but so very grateful that they are not where they used to be.
Hallelujah!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A Blessed Day Indeed
This has been an amazingly wonderful, insightful day. God has made me laugh and again awed me with His knowledge of the things that are best for me as well as helped me see me just a bit more clearly.
I just had the best talk with my daughter. As I wrote of previously, my STBX called me the other night and for a moment tried to act like a friend of mine. That moment as I said, ended quickly, but I knew at the moment I recognized his voice calling my phone instead of hers that something was up. Sure enough, my daughter called him today and I'll be darned if he doesn't want us to go live in Mexico with him. He asked her if I wanted to talk to him, something of course I said no to.
I messed with my daughter and told her that while she was with her friend this evening, I used our emergency fund and bought two one way tickets, and a set of luggage for each of us. She did not think that was funny and it was then I realized she was afraid. It was before then that I realized how far I have come. I was kind of in shock when I heard the news from her that he wanted us to move there. She told me as well that he was asking questions about me "does she have a boyfriend" "does she talk to guys on the computer", etc.
I sat down with my daughter, calling her to me and told her that I wanted to talk seriously with her. I asked her to honestly tell me if she thought I would do something like that, move us to Mexico. She said yes. I looked her straight in the eye and told her how God was so at work in healing me. I acknowledged that as much as I had loved her father, and possibly still do, that there was absolutely no way I would or could ever let him come back into my life - our life. I likened her father to a drug for me telling her that just like when you realize that you don't want to do drugs, you do all you can to keep yourself safe from them and stay completely away from any part of the world that you might have contact with them. I need to stay away from her father. For me, just like drugs, he is not safe. Instead he would just like to suck me back in to a life where I was less than anything else, kind of like dog poop on your shoes. Just stuck there and stinking to the wearer of the shoes.
I acknowledged to her that I knew how horrible this past year has been, because her fear of some things makes me think that she thinks I didn't know how bad it was. I made her comfortable in the fact that no matter how funky things can get at times I am happy right where we are. I let her see how great our God is because I acknowledged Him with her of all the wonders He has done in our life since we moved out. I also expressed my shock to her that her father would for one minute even think that us moving there would be an option. I think what has finally happened to him is that he went to Mexico to "find himself" and found out that he was way more miserable now that he only has himself than he ever was here. That the only good in his life was the good he walked out on and stepped on for the last year.
He wants my daughter to go there in November, but unfortunately, I am not able to let that happen right now. I believe that he is going to realize- if he isn't already coming to this realization, that I am not going to let him back in. I believe that he is going to get angry at some point and I honestly don't know if his anger would cause him to keep her there. When I was being abused there, the women - only out of being used to the situation, not out of meanness, uses to tell me to be better or to stop doing whatever I was doing wrong. I could see how they might just "help" him to keep her if they believed lies he might make up. I can't take the chance and my daughter got it.
She got me throughout the whole conversation. I could tell by her eyes and the relaxation I felt in her spirit. She has a right to feel afraid when it comes to him being in my life. I do too, but I am not afraid because God is guiding me all the way and I let her know that with me following God's lead, we were going to be just fine. And we are.
God has healed me to be strong enough to stick up for me as well as for her. I praise Him. God has showed me how to be a better me. I praise Him. God has such a sense of humor! I praise Him. God is amazing and I am grateful for all He is doing and all He has planned to do.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we who never thought we'd be able to get to the light at the end of a tunnel, when we get there, God makes us laugh. Maybe that is just the joy of the Lord. I pray that God can make us all laugh, joy feels great.
What a blessed day. Hallelujah!
I just had the best talk with my daughter. As I wrote of previously, my STBX called me the other night and for a moment tried to act like a friend of mine. That moment as I said, ended quickly, but I knew at the moment I recognized his voice calling my phone instead of hers that something was up. Sure enough, my daughter called him today and I'll be darned if he doesn't want us to go live in Mexico with him. He asked her if I wanted to talk to him, something of course I said no to.
I messed with my daughter and told her that while she was with her friend this evening, I used our emergency fund and bought two one way tickets, and a set of luggage for each of us. She did not think that was funny and it was then I realized she was afraid. It was before then that I realized how far I have come. I was kind of in shock when I heard the news from her that he wanted us to move there. She told me as well that he was asking questions about me "does she have a boyfriend" "does she talk to guys on the computer", etc.
I sat down with my daughter, calling her to me and told her that I wanted to talk seriously with her. I asked her to honestly tell me if she thought I would do something like that, move us to Mexico. She said yes. I looked her straight in the eye and told her how God was so at work in healing me. I acknowledged that as much as I had loved her father, and possibly still do, that there was absolutely no way I would or could ever let him come back into my life - our life. I likened her father to a drug for me telling her that just like when you realize that you don't want to do drugs, you do all you can to keep yourself safe from them and stay completely away from any part of the world that you might have contact with them. I need to stay away from her father. For me, just like drugs, he is not safe. Instead he would just like to suck me back in to a life where I was less than anything else, kind of like dog poop on your shoes. Just stuck there and stinking to the wearer of the shoes.
I acknowledged to her that I knew how horrible this past year has been, because her fear of some things makes me think that she thinks I didn't know how bad it was. I made her comfortable in the fact that no matter how funky things can get at times I am happy right where we are. I let her see how great our God is because I acknowledged Him with her of all the wonders He has done in our life since we moved out. I also expressed my shock to her that her father would for one minute even think that us moving there would be an option. I think what has finally happened to him is that he went to Mexico to "find himself" and found out that he was way more miserable now that he only has himself than he ever was here. That the only good in his life was the good he walked out on and stepped on for the last year.
He wants my daughter to go there in November, but unfortunately, I am not able to let that happen right now. I believe that he is going to realize- if he isn't already coming to this realization, that I am not going to let him back in. I believe that he is going to get angry at some point and I honestly don't know if his anger would cause him to keep her there. When I was being abused there, the women - only out of being used to the situation, not out of meanness, uses to tell me to be better or to stop doing whatever I was doing wrong. I could see how they might just "help" him to keep her if they believed lies he might make up. I can't take the chance and my daughter got it.
She got me throughout the whole conversation. I could tell by her eyes and the relaxation I felt in her spirit. She has a right to feel afraid when it comes to him being in my life. I do too, but I am not afraid because God is guiding me all the way and I let her know that with me following God's lead, we were going to be just fine. And we are.
God has healed me to be strong enough to stick up for me as well as for her. I praise Him. God has showed me how to be a better me. I praise Him. God has such a sense of humor! I praise Him. God is amazing and I am grateful for all He is doing and all He has planned to do.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we who never thought we'd be able to get to the light at the end of a tunnel, when we get there, God makes us laugh. Maybe that is just the joy of the Lord. I pray that God can make us all laugh, joy feels great.
What a blessed day. Hallelujah!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Trials, but I'm still standing
Well, what can I say. Tonight, as I was preparing to leave the house for worship rehearsal, Spike (the dog) was just standing in the front room and went to shift his weight and all of a sudden started screaming in pain. I went down to the floor and just gathered him to me and began to pray and cry. This is the dog that just the other day I believed God would heal and I came home to a dog around 90% there. Needless to say, as I held him, I cried and was praying out loud that I knew this was just another attack on my life. Dang, Satan's really putting the pressure on.
As I held Spike close and prayed over him, I couldn't help but tell God that I trusted Him for healing and that I knew He was on the job. At the same time though, do I, I hate to say this, but do I need to face a different reality? I will not let my dog suffer. I have already spent some funds on this, but as I have said before, the x-rays are $359 and that is before any treatment is done, which will most likely exceed my Financial Peace Emergency fund as I am only on Baby Step 1. So now, I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do. I will start with praying and seeking God's answer.
After worship rehearsal, I was going to pick up my daughter and my phone rang. I did not recognize the number so I said "Hello, this is Dianne" some guy said "hey and then again, hey" kind of like he was my friend or something. I did not know who it was so I said "who is this?" the voice on the other end then said "Oh my God!" I then knew who it was, it was my STBX. He then proceeded to ask for our daughter, LIKE HELLO - call her phone or did you forget your kid's number, but I said no, she wasn't with me, he said something and I said goodbye.
You know, why would he call my phone, call me, out of the blue and act like a friend. He is not my friend. I would not keep a friend that treated me like dirt or told me all the time what a piece of crap I was and treated everybody better than me. Maybe I was wrong because I lied to him. he asked me to have my daughter call him and I told him we didn't have the Mexico calling anymore on my phone - we do, it's ending on the 15th, but darn it. He threw me off guard. He should have called my daughter's phone. No, I just figure it was Satan controlling him once again to mess with me.
I should not have lied. I am so not perfect yet, I was truly caught off guard. I even told somebody, maybe if I would go sin purposefully in some small way Satan would give me a break. He assured me Satan would only strike me harder. I know that. But darnit, hearing that voice - after I recognized whose it was, was not cool. Especially when I know that what he did to us was not necessary. He should have taken care of us, not taken from us and run us into the ground like we were so much less than him.
Well, trials are here, but I'm not going anywhere. I am standing with all I that I am. I will continue serving God with my finances. I will raise my daughter in a home where God reigns. I will pray for my dog and put him to sleep if necessary to not let him suffer needlessly or out of my selfishness for not wanting to let him go. I will continue to praise the Lord. Funny, when I wrote that, my heart actually smiled through my tears. Yes, I will praise the Lord. Take that Satan!
Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord. Even in the midst of trials, let's praise our God who was and is and is to come.
Hallelujah!
As I held Spike close and prayed over him, I couldn't help but tell God that I trusted Him for healing and that I knew He was on the job. At the same time though, do I, I hate to say this, but do I need to face a different reality? I will not let my dog suffer. I have already spent some funds on this, but as I have said before, the x-rays are $359 and that is before any treatment is done, which will most likely exceed my Financial Peace Emergency fund as I am only on Baby Step 1. So now, I am stuck with the dilemma of what to do. I will start with praying and seeking God's answer.
After worship rehearsal, I was going to pick up my daughter and my phone rang. I did not recognize the number so I said "Hello, this is Dianne" some guy said "hey and then again, hey" kind of like he was my friend or something. I did not know who it was so I said "who is this?" the voice on the other end then said "Oh my God!" I then knew who it was, it was my STBX. He then proceeded to ask for our daughter, LIKE HELLO - call her phone or did you forget your kid's number, but I said no, she wasn't with me, he said something and I said goodbye.
You know, why would he call my phone, call me, out of the blue and act like a friend. He is not my friend. I would not keep a friend that treated me like dirt or told me all the time what a piece of crap I was and treated everybody better than me. Maybe I was wrong because I lied to him. he asked me to have my daughter call him and I told him we didn't have the Mexico calling anymore on my phone - we do, it's ending on the 15th, but darn it. He threw me off guard. He should have called my daughter's phone. No, I just figure it was Satan controlling him once again to mess with me.
I should not have lied. I am so not perfect yet, I was truly caught off guard. I even told somebody, maybe if I would go sin purposefully in some small way Satan would give me a break. He assured me Satan would only strike me harder. I know that. But darnit, hearing that voice - after I recognized whose it was, was not cool. Especially when I know that what he did to us was not necessary. He should have taken care of us, not taken from us and run us into the ground like we were so much less than him.
Well, trials are here, but I'm not going anywhere. I am standing with all I that I am. I will continue serving God with my finances. I will raise my daughter in a home where God reigns. I will pray for my dog and put him to sleep if necessary to not let him suffer needlessly or out of my selfishness for not wanting to let him go. I will continue to praise the Lord. Funny, when I wrote that, my heart actually smiled through my tears. Yes, I will praise the Lord. Take that Satan!
Today I ask you to join me in praising the Lord. Even in the midst of trials, let's praise our God who was and is and is to come.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
If I were a quitter, I'd quit now...
But I'm not a quitter, so I'm still forging ahead to some prize in store. I just love the poem it's in the valleys I grow. I have taken that poem to heart. It seems to make the moments away from the mountaintops more understandable and more doable. I can do this.
My daughter is making some not so great choices. You know, maybe it would be more manageable for me to deal with if I didn't have to fight the fact that her father said frequently how she is going to turn out horribly because of the mere fact that I am her mother and what good can come of me. But you know, unless I can find a way to help my daughter want to make better choices, the truth of the matter is, she could turn out in a way less than desireable fashion. I get so mad at her because she has every opportunity now to make better choices. I get mad at her because she was always present when he said those things and why wouldn't she want to do better just to prove him wrong.
I won't lie, I start to doubt myself and think that maybe he is right. I can't think of what I am doing wrong in regards to her. I, at times, think that maybe when he comes back that maybe she should just go try it with him, maybe he would do a better job than me. This fact in itself makes me mad too. If it turned out like that then I would be even more inclined to believe that the bad guys do get all the good.
I don't do drugs 24/7, I don't drink alcohol to the point of being drunk, I don't drive with my daughter in the car when I am totally intoxicated, I don't say horrible things about people in front of her, I don't discard her when I want to do my own thing or only pay attention to her when it suite me. I'm still not seeming to make the grade though.
Guess what though, I'm not quitting. I am going to alter her world until she can decide for herself that she wants to do better. Maybe when her world gets a bit more stripped away and she becomes mine or my mother's American Express (never leaving home without her), maybe just maybe she will want to change her ways. I will pray over her (without her knowing of course) I will fight Satan in his most recent attack on me. Last week my dog and my mood, this week my kid and my mood. Nah, Satan, you suck, my God reigns and this valley is just that, a valley and I and my daughter will be "comin round" the mountain to get to that mountain top before you know it.
I see clearly that Satan wants to attack me even harder now. I am gaining financial control of my life God's way, I am serving God with all I am, I am starting my stop smoking class next week, picking up my prescription to give me the extra help I need on Tuesday and I am fighting to change my world for God's glory. I will make it and I will not quit.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who are changing their worlds and fighting to become what God wants us to become. May none of us quit and may we each remember that the mountaintops are great, but its in the valleys we grow.
Hallelujah!
My daughter is making some not so great choices. You know, maybe it would be more manageable for me to deal with if I didn't have to fight the fact that her father said frequently how she is going to turn out horribly because of the mere fact that I am her mother and what good can come of me. But you know, unless I can find a way to help my daughter want to make better choices, the truth of the matter is, she could turn out in a way less than desireable fashion. I get so mad at her because she has every opportunity now to make better choices. I get mad at her because she was always present when he said those things and why wouldn't she want to do better just to prove him wrong.
I won't lie, I start to doubt myself and think that maybe he is right. I can't think of what I am doing wrong in regards to her. I, at times, think that maybe when he comes back that maybe she should just go try it with him, maybe he would do a better job than me. This fact in itself makes me mad too. If it turned out like that then I would be even more inclined to believe that the bad guys do get all the good.
I don't do drugs 24/7, I don't drink alcohol to the point of being drunk, I don't drive with my daughter in the car when I am totally intoxicated, I don't say horrible things about people in front of her, I don't discard her when I want to do my own thing or only pay attention to her when it suite me. I'm still not seeming to make the grade though.
Guess what though, I'm not quitting. I am going to alter her world until she can decide for herself that she wants to do better. Maybe when her world gets a bit more stripped away and she becomes mine or my mother's American Express (never leaving home without her), maybe just maybe she will want to change her ways. I will pray over her (without her knowing of course) I will fight Satan in his most recent attack on me. Last week my dog and my mood, this week my kid and my mood. Nah, Satan, you suck, my God reigns and this valley is just that, a valley and I and my daughter will be "comin round" the mountain to get to that mountain top before you know it.
I see clearly that Satan wants to attack me even harder now. I am gaining financial control of my life God's way, I am serving God with all I am, I am starting my stop smoking class next week, picking up my prescription to give me the extra help I need on Tuesday and I am fighting to change my world for God's glory. I will make it and I will not quit.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who are changing their worlds and fighting to become what God wants us to become. May none of us quit and may we each remember that the mountaintops are great, but its in the valleys we grow.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Hope - Can it be contagious?
As I was walking home from my bus stop today I was still assessing the fact that this feeling of just general unease has not left me completely. I was again trying to put my finger on it and realized what my problem is. I have not been being my normal Jesus freaky self. Yes, I have been living my life of prayer, but I have not been proclaiming it constantly like normal in my life and by that I mean walking around my house praying out loud with boldness. Walking down the street praying out loud with boldness. Taking my breaks to go pray with boldness. Yes, I am still praying, but I'm not being strong in it like normal.
Maybe I'm not one of those people who can do things softly and gently. Maybe I need to attack things and my prayer life is one of them. Especially when I am being attacked myself by things like fear, doubt, hopelessness or despair. I think one of the best compliments I have ever gotten was a few weeks back from my daughter when I was being the normal Dianne and she said from another room "Who are you talking to?" I was talking to God, like the normal Dianne does, loudly, boldly, with excitement and strength.
Tonight in my financial class I realized that sometimes we even gain strength from people we don't even know, from the hope we see rising up in their own situations. From the young couple that are following the suggestions of Dave Ramsey with "Gazelle intensity" to the woman about my age that is stepping out doing new things to change years of spending patterns. Wow - how exciting is it that I am seeing lives changed in front of my own eyes! Seeing this gave me hope in myself and my situation because I too am changing the way I have lived financially. Just as I fully expect great changes in my classmates lives, why shouldn't I expect them in mine?
Hope is so exciting. In class tonight one of the aspects that I found exciting is that even though maybe some of the principals I can't use right now, but possibly, God might place in my path somebody that I can inspire hope in, somebody who might just be feeling hopeless by showing them what I have learned. Maybe God wants us to acquire knowledge of things that might not affect us just so we can help others. This life is not all about us. It is about encouraging others, it is about delighting in the changes others are making in their lives, it is about hoping for better for not only ourselves, but for those around us.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even if we personally feel hopeless, that we look around and see the hope taking hold in others lives and that God show us the delight there is in that and that we can gain strength for ourselves while praying for others. God wants us to lift one another up and I thank God that just possibly hope is contagious because when you see it shining in others, it can certainly make you feel better about yourself and your situation as well.
Hallelujah!
Maybe I'm not one of those people who can do things softly and gently. Maybe I need to attack things and my prayer life is one of them. Especially when I am being attacked myself by things like fear, doubt, hopelessness or despair. I think one of the best compliments I have ever gotten was a few weeks back from my daughter when I was being the normal Dianne and she said from another room "Who are you talking to?" I was talking to God, like the normal Dianne does, loudly, boldly, with excitement and strength.
Tonight in my financial class I realized that sometimes we even gain strength from people we don't even know, from the hope we see rising up in their own situations. From the young couple that are following the suggestions of Dave Ramsey with "Gazelle intensity" to the woman about my age that is stepping out doing new things to change years of spending patterns. Wow - how exciting is it that I am seeing lives changed in front of my own eyes! Seeing this gave me hope in myself and my situation because I too am changing the way I have lived financially. Just as I fully expect great changes in my classmates lives, why shouldn't I expect them in mine?
Hope is so exciting. In class tonight one of the aspects that I found exciting is that even though maybe some of the principals I can't use right now, but possibly, God might place in my path somebody that I can inspire hope in, somebody who might just be feeling hopeless by showing them what I have learned. Maybe God wants us to acquire knowledge of things that might not affect us just so we can help others. This life is not all about us. It is about encouraging others, it is about delighting in the changes others are making in their lives, it is about hoping for better for not only ourselves, but for those around us.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even if we personally feel hopeless, that we look around and see the hope taking hold in others lives and that God show us the delight there is in that and that we can gain strength for ourselves while praying for others. God wants us to lift one another up and I thank God that just possibly hope is contagious because when you see it shining in others, it can certainly make you feel better about yourself and your situation as well.
Hallelujah!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Running vs Standing Still
Have you ever been at a place in your life where nothing is really wrong, but you just don't feel at ease? This past week I have not been able to put my finger on my problem, but I have definitely had one or many.
I have allowed myself to struggle with anger, meanness, the desire to dole out paybacks, lack of forgiveness, hurt and just plain not goodness of character. It has been strange though, it wasn't something that was right out there, it was something just under my skin. Most would have never known it was there, but it was. I have spent some time yesterday and today doing some self-checking to see what was I doing that was allowing this stuff to get to me.
I came up with some answers and there were a couple of things I was doing to let myself get into that state.
I am taking the Financial Peace university class and am following the steps intricately. I have baby step number one done and last week did my budget and when I got paid I began following this budget accurately. However, now it is time for step number three, the debt snowball. Well, for me right now, I can't do this step. I am budgeted so very tightly that I just have no space whatsoever to do this. I, at this point, allowed some hopelessness to creep in.
This guy that was a friend, all of a sudden, out of the blue started texting me professing his love for me, asking me to love him and telling me he wanted to marry me someday. Well, this made me mad. I told him how dare he think I was in some kind of a desperate state to where I would actually think seriously about something that stupid becoming a reality. I actually was quite strong and emphatic in my protests against him, surprising even myself with my strenght, but his stuff bothered me just the same. In that, although I was proud of my strenght, I felt like a loser. Like darn, here I am a great wife that my husband completely discarded like a piece of garbage and now some guy really thinks I'd jump at some stupid text offers. Totally got to me.
Normally, when crap would come my way I'd run in some way. Always some way that was against God and against myself as well. As a matter of fact I had a temptation to run. My son lives in Phoenix and is quite happy there and just told me the other day, he wished that my daughter and I would just go there to live with him til we got going. I was tempted.
Well, then my dog got sick last Wednesday night. I spent some money, but couldn't nearly go all the way the vet wanted me to. I am not one to let a pet suffer so I would have only let the dog stay unwell, hoping time would heal him for just another week maybe. Today, as I was self assessing things, I decided to believe God for and ask him for healing of my dog. I believed he would heal Spike and I meant it.
During my self assessing, I also realized that I had been letting fear sink into my life, fear of things never getting better than just survival mode. This made me tempted to quit and run. Like hey, if it's never going to get better, why bother. WHAT DIANNE??? I couldn't even belive my own self when I assessed. I know that I am not without hope. I know that I am doing the right things in my life for God to - in His time, bless me beyond what I have even asked him for.
I realized and remember how God has been answering my prayers and that He will continue to do so. I had prayed for female friendships, I have many now. I asked God for a backbone - to be a stronger woman - hello situation with text dude. I was about as strong as any woman I have ever met. I love my house, I love my life, it's not perfect, but it is a blessed life and it will only get better as will I.
I came home and Praise God, and yes, I believe it, Spike is almost perfect. I would say he is at 90-95% of himself. Makes me want to just stay on my knees. How can you rise when God shows you so clearly that He has your back. No, I'm done running. I am going to just stand still. Funny, for days now a song verse has run through my mind, "I will be still and know you are God." He has been speaking to me all along, I just needed to, and believe he wanted me to take the time and look at how far I have come and all that He has done for me. So, that nagging feeling is being brushed aside to be replaced with how much He loves me. Enough to speak to me through the healing of my dog. Thank you Father.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we just stay still when we need to, that none of us run away from where we are headed, that we hang in there.
Hallelujah!
I have allowed myself to struggle with anger, meanness, the desire to dole out paybacks, lack of forgiveness, hurt and just plain not goodness of character. It has been strange though, it wasn't something that was right out there, it was something just under my skin. Most would have never known it was there, but it was. I have spent some time yesterday and today doing some self-checking to see what was I doing that was allowing this stuff to get to me.
I came up with some answers and there were a couple of things I was doing to let myself get into that state.
I am taking the Financial Peace university class and am following the steps intricately. I have baby step number one done and last week did my budget and when I got paid I began following this budget accurately. However, now it is time for step number three, the debt snowball. Well, for me right now, I can't do this step. I am budgeted so very tightly that I just have no space whatsoever to do this. I, at this point, allowed some hopelessness to creep in.
This guy that was a friend, all of a sudden, out of the blue started texting me professing his love for me, asking me to love him and telling me he wanted to marry me someday. Well, this made me mad. I told him how dare he think I was in some kind of a desperate state to where I would actually think seriously about something that stupid becoming a reality. I actually was quite strong and emphatic in my protests against him, surprising even myself with my strenght, but his stuff bothered me just the same. In that, although I was proud of my strenght, I felt like a loser. Like darn, here I am a great wife that my husband completely discarded like a piece of garbage and now some guy really thinks I'd jump at some stupid text offers. Totally got to me.
Normally, when crap would come my way I'd run in some way. Always some way that was against God and against myself as well. As a matter of fact I had a temptation to run. My son lives in Phoenix and is quite happy there and just told me the other day, he wished that my daughter and I would just go there to live with him til we got going. I was tempted.
Well, then my dog got sick last Wednesday night. I spent some money, but couldn't nearly go all the way the vet wanted me to. I am not one to let a pet suffer so I would have only let the dog stay unwell, hoping time would heal him for just another week maybe. Today, as I was self assessing things, I decided to believe God for and ask him for healing of my dog. I believed he would heal Spike and I meant it.
During my self assessing, I also realized that I had been letting fear sink into my life, fear of things never getting better than just survival mode. This made me tempted to quit and run. Like hey, if it's never going to get better, why bother. WHAT DIANNE??? I couldn't even belive my own self when I assessed. I know that I am not without hope. I know that I am doing the right things in my life for God to - in His time, bless me beyond what I have even asked him for.
I realized and remember how God has been answering my prayers and that He will continue to do so. I had prayed for female friendships, I have many now. I asked God for a backbone - to be a stronger woman - hello situation with text dude. I was about as strong as any woman I have ever met. I love my house, I love my life, it's not perfect, but it is a blessed life and it will only get better as will I.
I came home and Praise God, and yes, I believe it, Spike is almost perfect. I would say he is at 90-95% of himself. Makes me want to just stay on my knees. How can you rise when God shows you so clearly that He has your back. No, I'm done running. I am going to just stand still. Funny, for days now a song verse has run through my mind, "I will be still and know you are God." He has been speaking to me all along, I just needed to, and believe he wanted me to take the time and look at how far I have come and all that He has done for me. So, that nagging feeling is being brushed aside to be replaced with how much He loves me. Enough to speak to me through the healing of my dog. Thank you Father.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we just stay still when we need to, that none of us run away from where we are headed, that we hang in there.
Hallelujah!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Dang - Anger Stage again?
Thought I had this one kicked, but just like my constipated dog is afraid of his rear end and keeps running from it like it's going to bite him or something, maybe I should be running too, but no, here I am still standing, but I think the anger stage is at my heels today. Kind of felt it knocking for the past few days, but I think I finally opened the door and let him in today.
There are times when I get angry at my daughter because I see a behavior in her that makes me fear that she is going to be just like him and place herself as more important than others. I guess it is true that fear can turn into anger because I got so angry with her today when one of those cases started coming into view. I emphasized with her that I am not a puppet and that her actions were beginning to show that she felt others were there for only when she wanted, and unimportant when something better came along. I got very upset out of my fear.
There are days when I wake up and I can't help but wonder how he could just ditch her and not even care enough to call her. Those times I find it so hard to not wish for bad things to come his way for the hurt he causes. At those times I try so very hard to utter the words, God bless him, God bring him to you. I hope that God sees my heart and knows that I am at least trying
There are days when I wake up and can't help but be so angry that he is refusing to support her financially. I feel so angry and again finding myself wondering how he can do this to his baby girl, the one he wanted to create and the one he named even before she was conceived. I get mad because I remember how angry he would get and how he would trash the "deadbeat dads" in the lives of people we knew. There are days I wake up and I feel like if I could hate, it would be him that my hate would be directed at him. I guess that today I am just angry. I guess I can give myself a break because I am not perfect, try as hard as I might, I'm so very far from there.
I guess the anger is tied in with hurt because it does hurt that your child's father not only discarded and forgot about you, but forgot about something he supposedly loved so very much, flesh of his own flesh. I guess the anger stage comes again because I really don't understand. I guess I'm not meant to. The thing that sucks about the anger stage biting me again is that I have allowed it to be stronger in me than the Christ in me for a few moments today, which makes me want to cry. I hate to behave badly, but I have, just not nearly as badly as I feel like at times though.
My Life Advisor always tells me that it is ok for me to cry, I might just take him up on that advice.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even when stages of life come at us, just like this anger stage, that we can, at some point during this stage, give it to God and praise Him, knowing that this is just a stage and that He has plans to prosper and not harm us, plans for hope and a future. And He does, this I know.
Hallelujah!
There are times when I get angry at my daughter because I see a behavior in her that makes me fear that she is going to be just like him and place herself as more important than others. I guess it is true that fear can turn into anger because I got so angry with her today when one of those cases started coming into view. I emphasized with her that I am not a puppet and that her actions were beginning to show that she felt others were there for only when she wanted, and unimportant when something better came along. I got very upset out of my fear.
There are days when I wake up and I can't help but wonder how he could just ditch her and not even care enough to call her. Those times I find it so hard to not wish for bad things to come his way for the hurt he causes. At those times I try so very hard to utter the words, God bless him, God bring him to you. I hope that God sees my heart and knows that I am at least trying
There are days when I wake up and can't help but be so angry that he is refusing to support her financially. I feel so angry and again finding myself wondering how he can do this to his baby girl, the one he wanted to create and the one he named even before she was conceived. I get mad because I remember how angry he would get and how he would trash the "deadbeat dads" in the lives of people we knew. There are days I wake up and I feel like if I could hate, it would be him that my hate would be directed at him. I guess that today I am just angry. I guess I can give myself a break because I am not perfect, try as hard as I might, I'm so very far from there.
I guess the anger is tied in with hurt because it does hurt that your child's father not only discarded and forgot about you, but forgot about something he supposedly loved so very much, flesh of his own flesh. I guess the anger stage comes again because I really don't understand. I guess I'm not meant to. The thing that sucks about the anger stage biting me again is that I have allowed it to be stronger in me than the Christ in me for a few moments today, which makes me want to cry. I hate to behave badly, but I have, just not nearly as badly as I feel like at times though.
My Life Advisor always tells me that it is ok for me to cry, I might just take him up on that advice.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that even when stages of life come at us, just like this anger stage, that we can, at some point during this stage, give it to God and praise Him, knowing that this is just a stage and that He has plans to prosper and not harm us, plans for hope and a future. And He does, this I know.
Hallelujah!
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