Have you ever thought you were something and then found you aren't what you thought you were. I thought I was stronger than I am, but have sadly realized I am not. My daughter called her father on Sunday and came to me at some point stating that he needed to talk to me. I said no, but she kept insisting and I stupidly picked up that phone. I should have known better, actually, I think I did, that I am not ready to nor able to speak with him without suffering some type of upset.
Sure enough, he was all good until he turned - you know the Jekyl Hyde thing, well, he's still the same. He turned. I still can't believe how I am struggling regaining my ground even two days later. He has decided that we don't need child support this month, possibly longer. I have found myself struggling with fear again, you know the fears of how are we going to make it, etc. What the heck is wrong with me? Prior to two days ago, I had no real anticipation of expecting anything from him and was fine in my own skin. I think it was just him saying that we would get nothing from him that made me feel this fear again. It also made me feel like crap again. For me, for my daughter. You know - the disposable people thing. Made me hurt all over again. Actually made me cry again, something I was hoping to be rid of as well and thought I was over.
I made it quite clear with my daughter that until she hears me say the words " Hey mama, I'm ready and strong enough and able to deal with your father" to protect me from having to have any dealings with him. Great, I'm so weak that I need my kid to protect me, but hey, she's 15 and she needs to realize that even mamas have limits on what they can do. I pointed out to her that we have been doing fine and I have been doing a great job, which I have been. That emotionally, I am not able to deal with the hurt and the loss if it is put in my face again right now. I think she got it. I think that she has been enjoying a strong mama. So for now I am going to give this to God and ask him to help me find my feet again. The feet that want nothing more than to be the best me I can be for His glory. The feet that look forward to the day when I can say those words to my daughter and the feet that won't fall out from under me if I have to converse with him again. I am trusting that God will bring those feet out soon. Besides, I don't want to be mad at myself, I'm doing too well and God loves me so much and I am surrounded by the best people anybody could ever want to know.
Today I ask you to pray for those that realize their limitations and that God, in His timing, will make those limitations disappear and will give us the strength to remain standing in the face of those issues.
Hallelujah
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
God is So Good
Yesterday I rode went on a motorcycle ride spending over 12 hours and riding 572 miles. My rear end was in great distress probably after mile 40, but the sights I got to see were wonderful. This morning I awoke with just a slight reminder of how badly my rear hurt last night the last few moments of sitting on that bike. This made me think.
Healing is an active process. You don't just wake up after a long time of hurting or a way of life and not remember. I did a lot of living with my STBX (Someday to be ex) and we traveled quite a bit as well. Yesterday on that trip, there were many things that made me remember him. I personally find that frustrating. I find those memories to be a weakness and they scare me. I get scared because not all of them are bad memories, but fond ones. I get scared because those memories can still cause me to have hope and I worry that because of them, they might allow for a weakness in me.
I know that God allowed for him to go to Mexico to "find himself", to allow for me to remain here and continue to grow in God and in my ability in myself. I get afraid because what if he came back and said he found himself and was lost without my daughter and I. I must grow in my strength and know that unless he found God and God was first in his life, that he has not changed at all. I have got to not miss those fond memories because I know that must be one of his tentacles of abuse trying to hang on to me to cause me to be weak just a little bit longer.
Every time that one of those memories washed over me on the back of that bike yesterday, I asked God to continue his healing in me and to erase it. Just like the moments I was cold, but chose to sit on my coat to help my rear rather than wear it, I said to myself "I can do all things through God who strengthens me" and "My God shall provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory (warmth is what I was trusting Him for), both of those statements apply in my asking God to keep me stong. I know where God wants me. I know how He is working in my life.
God does not promise us to be better in one day, but just as my joy has come in the morning after much active work on my part, I am trusting Him that works for strength as well and will continue to strive to seek God for that strength.
So, just as my rear end hurting a little bit today is a vague reminder of how badly it hurt yesterday, those little memories, fond or not are just the same of times with my husband and just as my rear will be even better tomorrow, so will I be stronger that I will not allow those memories to ever cause me to miss what was never really there in the first place. Yes, healing is an active process, but God is good and will give us no more than we can handle. I look forward to a day when I can remember those things and not be afraid that they might cause me to be weak, but that they are simply just a memory I can recall. After all, whether or not any of our past meant anything to him, those times meant something to me and they were my life and I can't erase everything.
I have no idea what the future holds in regards to my STBX coming back to the United States or trying to re-establish a relationship with his daughter or myself. I only know that I love my God with all I am and that my daughter is my treasure. I am trusting God that He is working on me in all ways to allow for me to have whatever strength I need to face any situation when it comes my way. I, for one, am so grateful to be able to trust God enough to know that if and when a situation of having to really deal with my STBX, I will be ready to stand up and be a strong woman in Christ ready to protect myself and my daughter with His strength that He is growing in me in His way and in His timing.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we realize that we must have patience and just trust God for His timing. He has shown me that His timing is perfect and that He does pleasantly surprise us when He has made decisions on things. Praise God that he is a playful God as well. That if we align ourselves in His will, we can enjoy this fact as well, because by the time we realize what He has done in our lives, that it is like a surprise gift, and who doesn't love a surprise. Thank you Father.
Hallelujah!
Healing is an active process. You don't just wake up after a long time of hurting or a way of life and not remember. I did a lot of living with my STBX (Someday to be ex) and we traveled quite a bit as well. Yesterday on that trip, there were many things that made me remember him. I personally find that frustrating. I find those memories to be a weakness and they scare me. I get scared because not all of them are bad memories, but fond ones. I get scared because those memories can still cause me to have hope and I worry that because of them, they might allow for a weakness in me.
I know that God allowed for him to go to Mexico to "find himself", to allow for me to remain here and continue to grow in God and in my ability in myself. I get afraid because what if he came back and said he found himself and was lost without my daughter and I. I must grow in my strength and know that unless he found God and God was first in his life, that he has not changed at all. I have got to not miss those fond memories because I know that must be one of his tentacles of abuse trying to hang on to me to cause me to be weak just a little bit longer.
Every time that one of those memories washed over me on the back of that bike yesterday, I asked God to continue his healing in me and to erase it. Just like the moments I was cold, but chose to sit on my coat to help my rear rather than wear it, I said to myself "I can do all things through God who strengthens me" and "My God shall provide all of my needs according to His riches and glory (warmth is what I was trusting Him for), both of those statements apply in my asking God to keep me stong. I know where God wants me. I know how He is working in my life.
God does not promise us to be better in one day, but just as my joy has come in the morning after much active work on my part, I am trusting Him that works for strength as well and will continue to strive to seek God for that strength.
So, just as my rear end hurting a little bit today is a vague reminder of how badly it hurt yesterday, those little memories, fond or not are just the same of times with my husband and just as my rear will be even better tomorrow, so will I be stronger that I will not allow those memories to ever cause me to miss what was never really there in the first place. Yes, healing is an active process, but God is good and will give us no more than we can handle. I look forward to a day when I can remember those things and not be afraid that they might cause me to be weak, but that they are simply just a memory I can recall. After all, whether or not any of our past meant anything to him, those times meant something to me and they were my life and I can't erase everything.
I have no idea what the future holds in regards to my STBX coming back to the United States or trying to re-establish a relationship with his daughter or myself. I only know that I love my God with all I am and that my daughter is my treasure. I am trusting God that He is working on me in all ways to allow for me to have whatever strength I need to face any situation when it comes my way. I, for one, am so grateful to be able to trust God enough to know that if and when a situation of having to really deal with my STBX, I will be ready to stand up and be a strong woman in Christ ready to protect myself and my daughter with His strength that He is growing in me in His way and in His timing.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we realize that we must have patience and just trust God for His timing. He has shown me that His timing is perfect and that He does pleasantly surprise us when He has made decisions on things. Praise God that he is a playful God as well. That if we align ourselves in His will, we can enjoy this fact as well, because by the time we realize what He has done in our lives, that it is like a surprise gift, and who doesn't love a surprise. Thank you Father.
Hallelujah!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A Progress Report
I have been finding myself amazed lately at how God is so at work in my life. I have been blessed beyond imagination. One of the blessings that I have been enjoying immensely is that of a network of friendships that seem to be coming all at the same time. For so long, I have felt alone in a world of people, no matter where I was. I don't feel alone, nor do I feel lonely anymore. One of my new girlfriends made me think about how happy I was last night when she told me of how her heart was just swelling after re-reading some of her journal posts and remarking at how good things are for her right now. My heart is swelling too and I often find myself close to tears at what God has brought me to.
I am growing closer to my daughter, even though she is still at times maddening, I always remember where we've come from and don't let those moments overshadow all of the good that we are experiencing. At those times I also remember that she is fifteen and isn't that a teenager's goal to bring their parents to craziness? Overall though, my daughter is a joy and I am finding joy in watching her unfold into the wonderful young woman I always knew she was going to be. Very different from me, much stronger in her personality, but a wonderful young woman.
I remember how I used to have to work so hard at everything and one of those things was "flexing my joy of the Lord" muscle. I don't have to work so hard at that now. I really think that God let me work hard at everything this past year so that I would be able to testify now that all that work, praising him when I was on the floor crying, working at flexing my joy of the Lord muscle even when I was in the pits of despair and heart-wrenching sadness and hurt, all that work will bring you to a place where you wake up one day and say to those around you, including yourself, "I am happy." I am happy, I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy.
I love my apartment that God brought me to, even though I didn't think I would - fearing it was in a bad neighborhood, it's not. I love my life without my husband in it, thinking I would never be able to live without the one that I felt God gave me, I am. I love my schedule and I love making things work out for my daughter and I. We are by no means rich, but we are making it. My car
is in good running condition after not having been for a long time and that feels good. I can occasionally afford to take my daughter on a trip knowing that we will make it there and back. We have food on the table and our bills are paid. I am taking Financial Peace University and actually have gotten baby step one down, soon to embark on baby step 2.
I do not take any of this for granted and try not to let fear creep in that this will all go away. I take protective measures to guard my heart, knowing that my someday to be ex husband could come back at any moment and try to wreak havoc on what I have going. I guard myself against a sin that would love to grab me and that I even at times entertain partaking in. It is at this time that I know that God sees my struggle and gives me the strength to recall what it is I am after. I want to serve God with all I am and know that I don't want to lose what I have going for me now based on any bad choices I could make. No, I am happy and want to stay this way.
I do have one prayer request for me today. I have an area of unforgiveness in my heart that I am struggling with against two people and unforgivenss is no fun to carry. The anger and hurt when presented with these people makes me want to not be what I am. Praise God, so far I have displayed him, but there is still the human side of me that feels the anger and hurt that wants to be just like them and be mean. I am making a choice and a decision to forgive. Please pray for me that just like I woke up the other day and realized I was happy that I wake up someday in the near future and can honestly declare that I am free of any unforgiveness.
Hallelujah! I am happy.
I am growing closer to my daughter, even though she is still at times maddening, I always remember where we've come from and don't let those moments overshadow all of the good that we are experiencing. At those times I also remember that she is fifteen and isn't that a teenager's goal to bring their parents to craziness? Overall though, my daughter is a joy and I am finding joy in watching her unfold into the wonderful young woman I always knew she was going to be. Very different from me, much stronger in her personality, but a wonderful young woman.
I remember how I used to have to work so hard at everything and one of those things was "flexing my joy of the Lord" muscle. I don't have to work so hard at that now. I really think that God let me work hard at everything this past year so that I would be able to testify now that all that work, praising him when I was on the floor crying, working at flexing my joy of the Lord muscle even when I was in the pits of despair and heart-wrenching sadness and hurt, all that work will bring you to a place where you wake up one day and say to those around you, including yourself, "I am happy." I am happy, I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy.
I love my apartment that God brought me to, even though I didn't think I would - fearing it was in a bad neighborhood, it's not. I love my life without my husband in it, thinking I would never be able to live without the one that I felt God gave me, I am. I love my schedule and I love making things work out for my daughter and I. We are by no means rich, but we are making it. My car
is in good running condition after not having been for a long time and that feels good. I can occasionally afford to take my daughter on a trip knowing that we will make it there and back. We have food on the table and our bills are paid. I am taking Financial Peace University and actually have gotten baby step one down, soon to embark on baby step 2.
I do not take any of this for granted and try not to let fear creep in that this will all go away. I take protective measures to guard my heart, knowing that my someday to be ex husband could come back at any moment and try to wreak havoc on what I have going. I guard myself against a sin that would love to grab me and that I even at times entertain partaking in. It is at this time that I know that God sees my struggle and gives me the strength to recall what it is I am after. I want to serve God with all I am and know that I don't want to lose what I have going for me now based on any bad choices I could make. No, I am happy and want to stay this way.
I do have one prayer request for me today. I have an area of unforgiveness in my heart that I am struggling with against two people and unforgivenss is no fun to carry. The anger and hurt when presented with these people makes me want to not be what I am. Praise God, so far I have displayed him, but there is still the human side of me that feels the anger and hurt that wants to be just like them and be mean. I am making a choice and a decision to forgive. Please pray for me that just like I woke up the other day and realized I was happy that I wake up someday in the near future and can honestly declare that I am free of any unforgiveness.
Hallelujah! I am happy.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Growing up Strong
Try as I might, I still don't get how my husband could just leave not only me, but especially my daughter and not even look back. I heard a sermon which spoke of hardening of the heart yesterday and I just don't want that condition for my daughter. I told her that I wanted her to call her dad. He left about 1 month ago and she has heard from him once and has not called him at all. She cracked me up when he asked her when she was going to call him again and she told him in her new favorite monotone, "When my mom makes me because she made me call you this time." Wow - she's got guts and she's honest.
I spent a moment thinking of how that must have crunched him and how it should have if he had the heart to care. I guess my biggest struggle is that he just really doesn't care, about me or even her.
Last week in church, pastor hit the nail on the head when he spoke of narcissists. This was the first time I heard this type of person described. I looked up the word when I got home and this is what I came up with.
Narcissism:
Noun: inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity
psychoanalysis: being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development
Wow, that really describes what we were dealing with, now I just need to figure out how we get over it. I spoke with my daughter about what she had said to him and she said to me, "look, he didn't care anything about us to just leave us, I don't care anything about him."
I hope that he hard heartedness does not hurt her later, but I understand. I hope and I pray that he stays in Mexico and leaves us be. We are healing and I want us to both be so strong in God's grace and glory that we are untouchable to be hurt by him again. I do think that that will take a little time, so I hope that whatever he's running from doesn't catch up to him very soon so we can have the time we need to grow in the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to pray for those of us who don't see what we should be, that others have the strength if they see it to point it out to us. I ask you to pray for my daughter that the fine line between hardness of heart and self preservation lean on the side of God's desire and do not become a hatred. That she grow up strong and stay strong, but also have the love of the Lord in her heart.
Hallelujah!
I spent a moment thinking of how that must have crunched him and how it should have if he had the heart to care. I guess my biggest struggle is that he just really doesn't care, about me or even her.
Last week in church, pastor hit the nail on the head when he spoke of narcissists. This was the first time I heard this type of person described. I looked up the word when I got home and this is what I came up with.
Narcissism:
Noun: inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity
psychoanalysis: being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development
Wow, that really describes what we were dealing with, now I just need to figure out how we get over it. I spoke with my daughter about what she had said to him and she said to me, "look, he didn't care anything about us to just leave us, I don't care anything about him."
I hope that he hard heartedness does not hurt her later, but I understand. I hope and I pray that he stays in Mexico and leaves us be. We are healing and I want us to both be so strong in God's grace and glory that we are untouchable to be hurt by him again. I do think that that will take a little time, so I hope that whatever he's running from doesn't catch up to him very soon so we can have the time we need to grow in the Lord.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer to pray for those of us who don't see what we should be, that others have the strength if they see it to point it out to us. I ask you to pray for my daughter that the fine line between hardness of heart and self preservation lean on the side of God's desire and do not become a hatred. That she grow up strong and stay strong, but also have the love of the Lord in her heart.
Hallelujah!
Friday, September 3, 2010
I Hear you Lord
Oh my gosh, I am so blessed. I am completely humbled at how God has blessed me. It seems that every time I turn around, His hand is present in my life and something that could be bad turns out to not be and causes me to glorify Him for the stand He is taking in my life.
Today God blessed me in such a way that I was nearly brought to tears. After a few experiences last evening combined with a huge blessing He sent my way today, I know that God is speaking to me loud and clear. He wants me to stay right where I am. He wants me to wait on Him. He wants me to serve Him with all I am. He wants me let go of my husband. He wants to keep me safe from even having any dealings with him. I hear Him.
Have you ever heard God speak to you so loudly or received so many leadings in your life from his hand that you are overwhelmed and want to shout to the world what God is doing in your life. Have you ever felt like you can't take it anymore, you want to just fall to the ground and cry and tell him thank you. Thank you for your blessings, thank you for your peace. Thank you for speaking to me and to my heart. I hear you Lord. I hear you.
Today, please join me in prayer to thank God for speaking to us. Let's thank God for loving us so much that He will make the paths He wants us to travel so clear and evident if we only align ourselves to hear from Him. Thank God with me that I have worked so hard at living for Him, that I have changed and am more and more like what He wants me to be each and every day.
Hallelujah!
Today God blessed me in such a way that I was nearly brought to tears. After a few experiences last evening combined with a huge blessing He sent my way today, I know that God is speaking to me loud and clear. He wants me to stay right where I am. He wants me to wait on Him. He wants me to serve Him with all I am. He wants me let go of my husband. He wants to keep me safe from even having any dealings with him. I hear Him.
Have you ever heard God speak to you so loudly or received so many leadings in your life from his hand that you are overwhelmed and want to shout to the world what God is doing in your life. Have you ever felt like you can't take it anymore, you want to just fall to the ground and cry and tell him thank you. Thank you for your blessings, thank you for your peace. Thank you for speaking to me and to my heart. I hear you Lord. I hear you.
Today, please join me in prayer to thank God for speaking to us. Let's thank God for loving us so much that He will make the paths He wants us to travel so clear and evident if we only align ourselves to hear from Him. Thank God with me that I have worked so hard at living for Him, that I have changed and am more and more like what He wants me to be each and every day.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Can't Blow It
You know, now that this being alone stuff is really sinking in, another reality is coming with it. I don't want to blow it. I want to do the right things - just like I was doing while I was standing for my marriage. This past year I have been living my life like God wanted me to. I need to keep it up.
There are new challenges now though aren't there. There are the invitations to go dancing, there are even invitations to "hook up" that I need to deal with. Right now, I don't think I am safe to do either of them. I don't want to live in fear of myself, but I reallly need to be careful because I am who I am. I am a drug addict, not an active one, but there's that piece of me that lies dormant and hopefully will never awaken again. One I am very careful of. I face the truth that I have an addictive personality and I need to watch my step.
I know that I need to work very hard to stay in line with God's will for my life. Tonight after worship rehearsal I went to pick up my daughter from my mother's house and my mom and I ran over to Taco Bell to get a burrito. As we were sitting in a booth discussing the latest article about the furlough fight hitting the courts, a taco bell worker, a young man probably 18 years old, said to me "You go to Cornerstone Community Church don't you?" I said that I did and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and told me that he knows me from CCC. That he was going there til a few months ago. I don't recall seeing this boy, but my mom did from a visit she made to church probably 8 months ago. It made me think. This young man was really happy to see me. I had made a good impression on him and it showed.
I want to be honorable and when I say which church I go to, I don't want people to say bad things because they've seen me behaving badly. Things like well there goes another person saying they are a christian and not walking the walk. I'm not going to her church. No, I want people to see me and say hey, which church do you go to, I see how strong you are in your faith, maybe I'll come check it out with you some Sunday. No, I can't blow it.
Today I ask you to please pray that we all see what we mean and that we need to stand up and fight blowing it. That if we do blow it, we admit it, get up and try harder to not blow it again.
Hallelujah!
There are new challenges now though aren't there. There are the invitations to go dancing, there are even invitations to "hook up" that I need to deal with. Right now, I don't think I am safe to do either of them. I don't want to live in fear of myself, but I reallly need to be careful because I am who I am. I am a drug addict, not an active one, but there's that piece of me that lies dormant and hopefully will never awaken again. One I am very careful of. I face the truth that I have an addictive personality and I need to watch my step.
I know that I need to work very hard to stay in line with God's will for my life. Tonight after worship rehearsal I went to pick up my daughter from my mother's house and my mom and I ran over to Taco Bell to get a burrito. As we were sitting in a booth discussing the latest article about the furlough fight hitting the courts, a taco bell worker, a young man probably 18 years old, said to me "You go to Cornerstone Community Church don't you?" I said that I did and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and told me that he knows me from CCC. That he was going there til a few months ago. I don't recall seeing this boy, but my mom did from a visit she made to church probably 8 months ago. It made me think. This young man was really happy to see me. I had made a good impression on him and it showed.
I want to be honorable and when I say which church I go to, I don't want people to say bad things because they've seen me behaving badly. Things like well there goes another person saying they are a christian and not walking the walk. I'm not going to her church. No, I want people to see me and say hey, which church do you go to, I see how strong you are in your faith, maybe I'll come check it out with you some Sunday. No, I can't blow it.
Today I ask you to please pray that we all see what we mean and that we need to stand up and fight blowing it. That if we do blow it, we admit it, get up and try harder to not blow it again.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 30, 2010
What I've Learned and What Hurts the Most
Through this past month I have dealt with extreme sickness and, what I believe to be, a tragic loss of my marriage. Guess what though. I am still standing. No matter what Satan throws at me, I am still fighting back.
I have learned to not let this world get to me, and as I contemplate what fruit or vegetable I am going to pick up in the next few minutes to snack on, to keep my immunity system on the high side. I am learning to trust that God loves me, even if I mess up. One of the reasons I really don't mess up too much, or even want to is I get so afraid that I am going to hex myself. Like God is a God of witchcraft or something. I get afraid that the blessings that He has been blessing me with are going to all be yanked away or something. Then I remember that He doesn't love me because of my performance. He loves me because He just does and if I mess up, He knows me well enough to know that it will probably be just that A mess up in the singular in that instance because I have this conviction inside of me that really wants to be a living testimony. I really do want to try to show the world what one can do if they give their life away to serve Him and follow His will.
I will admit that today I had a deep hurt happen. My step son that I raised since he was 10 and loved just as much, at times more than my own sons followed his father's path and purposefully did something that he knew would hurt me. My heart hurt and I was angry all in one. I wanted to say angry things to him, but couldn't. All I could muster up was the truth. The truth being that "For you to purposefully do something against me was hurtful in light of I have never done anything but love you. May God bless you and keep you." It was funny in that I got no response back. I meant it. May God bless him.
What hurts the most out of all of this is that I do not care what anybody says, divorce is NOT necessary. If you have two people that love the Lord with all their mind, heart, soul and strength, I don't even see how it is possible. I loved my step son and told him I would never understand why our relationship could not have continued just because his father stopped loving me. It hurts when you see people not follow their own hearts. I loved my husband, but you can clearly see that there were not two people loving the Lord with all that they were, even if he claimed to be doing just that, actions speak so much louder than words.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my precious nephew, Collin, who is 10. He has been sick now for over 2 weeks with a few days break in between. I love my little chunky Bubba to death and I ask you to pray against anything trying to mess with his health. I ask you to join me in prayer for immune systems. That we who are struggling with health issues find a way to get ours up. I ask you to pray for strength to fight battles that we didn't even know we'd have to fight and as always - please pray for every marriage you know that Satan's hands be bound from ever messing with that couple. I have learned that divorce hurts, but it's the surprise relationships lost that hurt the most.
Hallelujah!
I have learned to not let this world get to me, and as I contemplate what fruit or vegetable I am going to pick up in the next few minutes to snack on, to keep my immunity system on the high side. I am learning to trust that God loves me, even if I mess up. One of the reasons I really don't mess up too much, or even want to is I get so afraid that I am going to hex myself. Like God is a God of witchcraft or something. I get afraid that the blessings that He has been blessing me with are going to all be yanked away or something. Then I remember that He doesn't love me because of my performance. He loves me because He just does and if I mess up, He knows me well enough to know that it will probably be just that A mess up in the singular in that instance because I have this conviction inside of me that really wants to be a living testimony. I really do want to try to show the world what one can do if they give their life away to serve Him and follow His will.
I will admit that today I had a deep hurt happen. My step son that I raised since he was 10 and loved just as much, at times more than my own sons followed his father's path and purposefully did something that he knew would hurt me. My heart hurt and I was angry all in one. I wanted to say angry things to him, but couldn't. All I could muster up was the truth. The truth being that "For you to purposefully do something against me was hurtful in light of I have never done anything but love you. May God bless you and keep you." It was funny in that I got no response back. I meant it. May God bless him.
What hurts the most out of all of this is that I do not care what anybody says, divorce is NOT necessary. If you have two people that love the Lord with all their mind, heart, soul and strength, I don't even see how it is possible. I loved my step son and told him I would never understand why our relationship could not have continued just because his father stopped loving me. It hurts when you see people not follow their own hearts. I loved my husband, but you can clearly see that there were not two people loving the Lord with all that they were, even if he claimed to be doing just that, actions speak so much louder than words.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my precious nephew, Collin, who is 10. He has been sick now for over 2 weeks with a few days break in between. I love my little chunky Bubba to death and I ask you to pray against anything trying to mess with his health. I ask you to join me in prayer for immune systems. That we who are struggling with health issues find a way to get ours up. I ask you to pray for strength to fight battles that we didn't even know we'd have to fight and as always - please pray for every marriage you know that Satan's hands be bound from ever messing with that couple. I have learned that divorce hurts, but it's the surprise relationships lost that hurt the most.
Hallelujah!
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