I wrote after New Year's Eve how my plan to sin really separated me from God. First off, I need to make clear that I really did not end up drinking to excess, nor did I end up using my designated driver. The thing to me was that I did plan on doing those things. I planned on throwing all caution to the wind and I planned on living outside of God's will for that night. That's where the door got opened.
What I've learned from this big plan of mine. I have learned that when we plan on sinning, it's just about the same as if we did the sin. I have learned that it can cause the door to be opened for more sin to come into your life. I have learned that Satan attacks you harder because he sees that you are just a bit vulnerable in an area so he sends out so very many fiery darts in other areas because you allowed yourself to become weak in one or others. It's almost as if he sees an opening and even though you've closed that door, possibly you haven't locked it airtight enough and he sees a glimmer of light poking through the keyhole so he just bombards you with darts around that light trying to open the hole even wider. I have learned that you have to work to strengthen yourself even harder than you were had you just stayed standing in the manner that you were. I have learned that God loves me no matter what and that He has already used my decision to show me even more how much I need Him in my life.
I think I must be going through another piece of the anger stage of grieving the loss of my marriage. I tell myself, "really, you aren't over that yet?" No, I'm not. Darn him though, why should I have to be facing all this everything alone, he was supposed to have been part of my sheild. One of my favorite thoughts is "If you stay committed long enough, there is a glorious side that you will experience beyond anything you can comprehend." I learned that in the context of marriage, but I am so not able to use that in that context, so I am working really hard on turning that around to be applicable to my walk with God. My choosing to plan on going against God's will for my life and all the ramifications surrounding that choice have caused me to see the truth in that statement. I know that I just need to - as Jeremy Camp says, stay, right here in the light so that I won't walk away. I am choosing now to stay because I do see the light.
In my "pre-choice" days, I had complete trust in God. I am so happy to say that that hasn't wavered, however, there is a guilt that I have self-imposed that tells me why should God want to be there for me as I trust that He is (He will be with us always) if I am so easy to want to break free of all the abuse my Whatever did to me by going the way of the world, even if only for one night? Well, don't worry, I am staying there. I am putting all guilt aside because of the fact that I am making a choice, again, to not stay in choosing to go against God's will for me. I am choosing to get back up, and love the Lord my God with all my heart, mind and strength and try to make a difference in the world by letting the light of Him shine through me. Besides, if I just do the do's, I won't have to worry about not doing the don'ts because the dont's will just fade away in all the blessings that come from the do's.
Oh, and one more thing. I know that I tell on myself in this blog. I do that for a reason. One of them is because I am honest and I am real. God wants me no other way and God knows I have tried to be different, but He made me like this. I don't learn from people who act one way and are another. In fact, for me it's quite the opposite. If someone is portraying themself as one way and I see that they really are way different, I get mad and turn away. Call it a bad character trait, but I don't like dishonesty and I can deal with it once, twice, but usually by the third strike, "They're OUT!!" Well, I began this blog to help others as well as to help myself. If just one person sees just one other person messing up, getting up and continueing forward, maybe, just maybe they will get up themselves. That's really all I want. That and to keep on knowing that sin really does separate us from God and we don't want that to happen.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for me, I know, we've been here before. I ask for prayer that those fiery darts bounce right off that door, and don't cause that keyhole to widen. I ask you to pray that the super glue, the rubber cement, the Elmer's that I have here in my house and am applying to that keyhole do the trick. That I am behind that door and see those agents drying and, yes, I hear the darts hitting the door, but I'm behind that door trusting that closed keyhole and standing in the light preparing to open that door and walk outside because I'm ready and I can.
Hallelujah and Happy Happy New Year! I say do the do's and the dont's will take care of themselves.
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