The Weight of My Sin

I had an out and out meltdown today. Not a stitch of a joke here. Started when I went to rehearse for today's songset for the worship team and I just wasn't getting it right, pitchy, forgetting my tune, whatever, I wasn't able to get it right. I felt like something was pressing down on me. However, I found my accountablity partners and we prayed prior to service and all I know is I'm sure I still wasn't that great, but the Holy Spirit was there in that church as we all worshiped God together. I still remember one moment looking around in the sanctuary at the people worshiping God and telling God how much I loved each and every person there and meaning it. I went to go sit down for the service after worship and as the pastor began the sermon, Satan started "having a party in my head". It was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I think it felt like what I have heard anxiety attacks described to be. He was saying things like "go get your daughter, tell the worship leader you are done and leave this church." Things that were coming out of nowhere because I never feel or think those things - EVER!! Being as I began to feel like I was going to scream, I got up and left the sanctuary, not to leave, but to find a sister to pray with me. It was weird, there was no one in the foyer, no one in the kitchen, but in the worship room was the worship leader and a sister from the worship team. I proceeded to melt. The worship leader went and got the other sisters of the team and they held me up while I bared my soul and loved me through my meltdown. No, Satan did not have his way with me completely. Thankfully I am in the midst of a great covering of people in my church who helped me breathe and get through it. Things have been hard lately, but not so hard that I had any intention on giving up or giving in, but I won't deny that I have felt just a bit of the pressure. However, although I was growing in leaps and bounds in other areas, there was one area that I didn't have completely covered and - of course, I am certain that Satan saw my weakness and dug right in, or at least he tried. Part of my pressure has been the sin of that weakness, I know that to be true because I have seen it, but was trying to brush it away. It felt good to admit my weakness and my sadness about another area of my life and be shown and told that one, there is a way out and two, to remember to give things to the Lord and not try to do so much at one time. I am taking these things to heart. I have seen me change lately and I like what I see. I have been letting God lead me in a specific way that could cause me to lead others. This weakness of mine glared in light of where God is leading. I have now been lightened by confessing this weakness and have been shown how to "make things right". Now I'm free to let God use me in this area that I think He is planning to use me. I think I'm one step closer to ready to leading by example and I want to. It's funny how when you think you have let go of everything, something comes along and shows you how wrong you are. I'll say no more on the fact that I think I've let go of everything holding me back because who knows what tomorrow will bring. The one thing I know is that the weight of my sin gave Satan a little bit of a hold in an area that he does not belong to be in. The weight of my sin was holding me back, caused me to nearly freak out at a moment that I didn't expect it and in a way I would have never though possible from myself. I do know that at least in this moment of time, I am free from that weight. Psalm 40:12, For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. I don't want my heart to fail over this issue any longer. Thank you my worship family and my God for providing me with such a loving church and a self that knows that I want to follow you and that I want to see. Today I ask you to join me in prayer that others don't have to have a panic attack or nearly freak out from the weight of their sin. That God allow them to get out from under that weight without something like that having to happen, but that God discern if that is what they need, then let them go through that. I know it worked for me. I got it. Hallelujah! (PS -SORRY FOR THE RUN ON PARAGRAPHS - THE BLOG WOULDN'T LET ME EDIT IT TONIGHT AND THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW I TYPED IT)