As I sit here to write this tonight, I am numb and near tears. The tears are not those of sadness but of amazement and awe at how much God is showing himself in my life lately. I said yesterday that I wish he would shout at me but I wasn't realizing that he is doing just that. It is taking for me to truly let go and let God to hear how loudly he is speaking to me. I am so amazed by Him. I guess that is what it takes to really hear the voice of God for me. It has taken for me to completely give up my will and to surrender to his will that has allowed for me to hear him so clearly.
I will not sit here and say that giving up what you want for what God wants is all that fun or without fear, it is not. While I still don't really want to do His will in all areas of my life, the thing is is that I am. I have surrendered, even though I would give anything for that surrender to be to what I want. Although I am sad at what I am losing, I am so very excited at the same time because I just know that He must have something so very wonderful in store for me. I just can't wait to see what it is and will be so glad when even my will, not just my actions fall in line with what He wants for me. But hey, I need to give myself a break - after all, I am human and at least I am doing what he asks me to without too much of a fuss - even if I don't want to.
If you read my post about God still does do miracles, you will recall that he did just that, a huge miracle in my life just a few short weeks ago. Well, today, there was a possibility that miracle could have been taken away. I started being human and fretting and all - you, I'm sure know the drill. But I swear, I was at work, and I might have even said this out loud, I honestly couldn't tell you, but I - in the midst of a worried thought, stopped and said "NO - Lord, you gave me this miracle and you did not just do that to stop before it all came to fruition. I am trusting you Lord that this miracle will not leave my hands." My friends, it was no more than 30 minutes later than my miracle was handed back to me - almost in complete fullness. I will need to pass a test in probably October or November, but this miracle is mine and nothing can take it from me! Oh friends, I couldn't help but go outside to shout a praise to God and shed a tear. I can't believe how much he wants me to have whatever he is guiding me towards.
I am so completely blessed and in awe of our awesome God. I am so indebted to surrender to this, to this something that he is guiding me towards.
To top it off, I went at 5:00 today and found a perfectly perfect for my daughter and I to live in apartment. This apartment is brand new on the inside, in an somewhat ok place to live, and my daughter is absolutely thrilled about the fact that we will each have our own sink in the bathroom. You know the best part is that she can walk to school which cuts out the monthly expense for the bus pass which will be even better. This apartment even has a large patio that I could possibly put grass in and make for a small yard. Above all else, my budget will not be eaten up by the place I live in. Yes, God was there and I look forward to inviting people over to bless the place with me.
Ok, enough of this somber tone. Get ready to laugh now. My husband has this dog that adores me and that I in turn have seriously grown to love, he tells me I can't have the dog, but I am certain that when he sees how selfish he is to keep him, he will give in to me taking him. I asked my Dr. for a letter stating that I am going through a separation, could I please have a note stating that Spike is my companion dog as I will be really sad to even lose the dog. I got the letter and this letter cut out any problem and waived the $500 pet deposit. Praise God - Spike's in. Maybe God even wants me to have the dog.
Today I ask you to again join me in prayer that families don't fall apart. I ask you to join with me in praising God for allowing us to be human all the while we are trying our best to do His will. Today I ask for you to pray that my husband will let me have the dog - my companion dog that is. Please pray that this new move will provide the peace in heart that God promises us and will move my daughter and I to an even closer state and one that shows how God truly can restore what Satan tried to destroy. I ask you to pray that each of us keeps on fighting - even when it hurts so very bad that we want to give up.
God bless! Hallelujah! I am Lord, I'm amazed by you...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Days Like These
Don't you just ever wish that God would shout out at you and tell you what to do? The apartment I was supposed to be getting is falling through - or at least I think it is and when I start looking around for other apartments, I start to stress. A kind of swimming in my head panic you know?
It's not like I will be on the streets on the first of the month, but I get afraid to stay where I am any longer because that gives my crazy head more time to think that just possibly, God is going to zap a miracle down and "fix" my husband turning him into the man that God desired him to be and everything will be ok.
Like it or not, it's scary even with God as your leader to make all the decisions when raising a child and having to do it on your own. Top it off with the fact that you screwed up for a good two years of that kid's life and you really want to do everything "right" from here on out. This looking for an apartment is more than just looking for a place to live, it's looking for a home, especially when you have a child.
This looking for an apartment is also another slap in the face of how sad divorce really is. I'm with God - I hate divorce. It's unnecessary and it's a shame, and it hurts - even when you are apartment hunting.
I think that today I will ask for you to join me in prayer that all those that we know that are married will take the time to guarantee to each other that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. That they are in it for better or for worse and they are in it for life. I ask you to pray for me, that I find a home for my daughter and I, one that will be just that, a home. A place of joy, a place of healing and a place of laughter, yes, even with a teenager living in it. I love that girl.
Hallelujah - I think I will go pray because right now, I'm a mess.
It's not like I will be on the streets on the first of the month, but I get afraid to stay where I am any longer because that gives my crazy head more time to think that just possibly, God is going to zap a miracle down and "fix" my husband turning him into the man that God desired him to be and everything will be ok.
Like it or not, it's scary even with God as your leader to make all the decisions when raising a child and having to do it on your own. Top it off with the fact that you screwed up for a good two years of that kid's life and you really want to do everything "right" from here on out. This looking for an apartment is more than just looking for a place to live, it's looking for a home, especially when you have a child.
This looking for an apartment is also another slap in the face of how sad divorce really is. I'm with God - I hate divorce. It's unnecessary and it's a shame, and it hurts - even when you are apartment hunting.
I think that today I will ask for you to join me in prayer that all those that we know that are married will take the time to guarantee to each other that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. That they are in it for better or for worse and they are in it for life. I ask you to pray for me, that I find a home for my daughter and I, one that will be just that, a home. A place of joy, a place of healing and a place of laughter, yes, even with a teenager living in it. I love that girl.
Hallelujah - I think I will go pray because right now, I'm a mess.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Life Advisors and Tools Around Us
Today I had my second meeting with my Life Advisor. I am a firm believer that God gives us people around us that have gifts that will help us reach a better place in life and that we are to use the tools available to use to get to that better place for his glory. Any of you that know me, know the struggles I face and the struggle I am going through right now. I decided that although I am definitely not in this struggle alone for my God is always with me, I want to be the best me that I can be and to help me get there, I now have two meetings a month with a Life Advisor.
A Life Advisor helps you set goals for yourself and provides ways and means to help you measure your progress towards reaching those goals, or, even in some cases, if those are goals you should be setting for yourself at this time in your life. Somewhat a self-assessment, but way better.
The last time I met with him, I set 9 goals for myself. I was able to meet 6 of those goals and was able to see that for the 3 unmet goals, they really are not meant to be my main focus right now anyways. Guess what though, in seeing my LA - I feel strengthened in my confidence in me. With God's promises made to me and my reaching out to get me through this time, I am truly going to be just fine. Even better for the glory of God.
I had a rough moment yesterday, but praise God, those rough moments are beginning to rub off me much more quickly than they used to. They used to stick on me, now I might feel them, but they do go away and are not allowed to ruin my days. (THANK YOU PATTY - you know...)
Please pray for me as I am preparing to leave behind that which I have known for so long, knowing full good and well that I am headed for a much better place, but still a bit afraid of the unknown, but yes, I know...FEAR IS NOT OF GOD and if God is with me, who can be against me. Besides, God has shown me for quite some time that I am going right where he wants me to be going. I still find it a shame that I have to go there, but who am I to doubt what God has in store right?
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who need to reach out and use the tools around us to help us get to that place that we are in an even better mode to serve our Lord for His glory. Hallelujah!
A Life Advisor helps you set goals for yourself and provides ways and means to help you measure your progress towards reaching those goals, or, even in some cases, if those are goals you should be setting for yourself at this time in your life. Somewhat a self-assessment, but way better.
The last time I met with him, I set 9 goals for myself. I was able to meet 6 of those goals and was able to see that for the 3 unmet goals, they really are not meant to be my main focus right now anyways. Guess what though, in seeing my LA - I feel strengthened in my confidence in me. With God's promises made to me and my reaching out to get me through this time, I am truly going to be just fine. Even better for the glory of God.
I had a rough moment yesterday, but praise God, those rough moments are beginning to rub off me much more quickly than they used to. They used to stick on me, now I might feel them, but they do go away and are not allowed to ruin my days. (THANK YOU PATTY - you know...)
Please pray for me as I am preparing to leave behind that which I have known for so long, knowing full good and well that I am headed for a much better place, but still a bit afraid of the unknown, but yes, I know...FEAR IS NOT OF GOD and if God is with me, who can be against me. Besides, God has shown me for quite some time that I am going right where he wants me to be going. I still find it a shame that I have to go there, but who am I to doubt what God has in store right?
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us who need to reach out and use the tools around us to help us get to that place that we are in an even better mode to serve our Lord for His glory. Hallelujah!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
God Really Does Still Do Miracles
A few months ago a woman who had retired for the company I work for approached me and told me that she wanted to refer me for her position and would I submit an application and a resume for this position. Well, I had wanted to apply when the position came available in December, but being as I only started with the company in November, I didn't apply thinking I was too new as well as the fact that I was only starting in an entry level position. Her position was that of Executive Assistant to the Director of the Department of Mental Health. Well, I submitted the application and resume and was emailed yesterday that the director and she wanted to see me at 2 pm. Of course I went, (praising God all morning that I was dressed in a decent manner).
I showed up at 2, walked in and after the general hello's, etc, the Director stated that he would like to place me in the position, would I be ok with that. Of course, the answer is yes and then I was told that I would start tomorrow, which was today. Oh my gosh! He told me that if I had to do a formal interview, then we would do that down the line, but the job was mine nonetheless. Another Oh my gosh!
My heart soared at what God placed in my hands and still is. For the last year I have been saying over and over to myself that He WILL restore the years the locusts have stolen, He DOES have plans to prosper and not harm me. God showed me a miracle yesterday and all I can sing today is "Lord I'm amazed by you." This job is such an increase in level that I can support my daughter on my own with no outside reliance on my husband for child support. I only need to rely on myself and my God to provide for us.
Can you believe this though. In spite of the awe I feel at what he has done, for this just does not happen in this day and age. This is purely of God. I feel a twinge of fear and sadness at the fact that he is saying to truly let go of my marriage for now and to truly go out on my own. All day I have been feeling a little off, but at the same time, I have been telling God, "Lord, I trust you with all I am and for you to have done this miracle in my life, I trust you even more." Never the less, I still feel a twinge of sadness, but now, maybe, just maybe, my husband will - since he will be on his own as well, he will turn his life back to God and to the man that I know God sees in him, the one I see as well, but the one that is so hidden by the sins of his world.
Anyways, God does do miracles. I am living proof. I feel so very blessed and grateful and when asked today by somebody who knew the jump that was given to me how I got the job I replied "Only by the grace of God and by that of his miracle in my life."
Hallelujah! God is so great!
I showed up at 2, walked in and after the general hello's, etc, the Director stated that he would like to place me in the position, would I be ok with that. Of course, the answer is yes and then I was told that I would start tomorrow, which was today. Oh my gosh! He told me that if I had to do a formal interview, then we would do that down the line, but the job was mine nonetheless. Another Oh my gosh!
My heart soared at what God placed in my hands and still is. For the last year I have been saying over and over to myself that He WILL restore the years the locusts have stolen, He DOES have plans to prosper and not harm me. God showed me a miracle yesterday and all I can sing today is "Lord I'm amazed by you." This job is such an increase in level that I can support my daughter on my own with no outside reliance on my husband for child support. I only need to rely on myself and my God to provide for us.
Can you believe this though. In spite of the awe I feel at what he has done, for this just does not happen in this day and age. This is purely of God. I feel a twinge of fear and sadness at the fact that he is saying to truly let go of my marriage for now and to truly go out on my own. All day I have been feeling a little off, but at the same time, I have been telling God, "Lord, I trust you with all I am and for you to have done this miracle in my life, I trust you even more." Never the less, I still feel a twinge of sadness, but now, maybe, just maybe, my husband will - since he will be on his own as well, he will turn his life back to God and to the man that I know God sees in him, the one I see as well, but the one that is so hidden by the sins of his world.
Anyways, God does do miracles. I am living proof. I feel so very blessed and grateful and when asked today by somebody who knew the jump that was given to me how I got the job I replied "Only by the grace of God and by that of his miracle in my life."
Hallelujah! God is so great!
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Joy of the Lord
For so long, I have heard and even said to myself in times of sorrow "the Joy of the Lord is my strength" but I have not felt it. The other day, probably last Tuesday, I was watching a sermon - I love Creflo Dollar, and he was speaking on the joy of the Lord. In a Dianne paraphrasing nutshell he said: The joy of the Lord is like when you wake up and find yourself out of shape and overweight you can't all of a sudden say "I'm going to be skinny today and be skinny. No, you need to work out and flex your muscles to get to a point of skinny again. Well, the joy of the Lord is the same way. You need to make a conscious effort to flex your joy of the Lord muscles. I decided right then and there to do just that.
Oh my gosh! The joy of the Lord really is becoming my strength. I talked with my mom about this and she said that when she is feeling in a funk, she gets up, smiles and says "It's a beautiful day." Well, I am doing the same thing. I have been praying at night asking God to help me flex my joy muscles and in the morning doing the same thing and I'm really starting to feel the joy of the Lord. Praise God. There is such a thing. Who was I to expect that after been so unhappy for the past, my gosh I'm sad to say five years, that I was going to have the joy of the Lord without striving for it. I'm not only striving, but I'm at a full run.
It was neat in that yesterday's sermon discussed stress on the job and how we need to turn our jobs into not those of our employers, but those of the Lord's. My job is ok, I work with wonderful people, but I am not nearly challenged enough and don't plan on staying there forever, this is just a stepping stone. However, today I woke up said it was going to be a beautiful day full of the joy of the Lord and everything is yours God in all I do may I strive to do it as you would have me to. I had one of the most blessed days I think in my life and nothing changed but my attitude and outlook.
I even was tested by being completely wronged by a family member, but instead of being hurt, which I really could have been and almost let myself be, I felt so sorry for them in all they were losing by throwing their relationship with me away but I still had the joy of the Lord. Please pray for an unknown family member that whatever issues are at the heart of their matter they will see that I am still right here, doing the same thing I was when they made their decision and all they have to do is be civil and talk about whatever is wrong.
But anyway, the joy of the Lord is real. I'm still young in it and I know I will be tested again, but join with me in flexing your joy muscles as well if you struggle with any lingering non joy feeling. I want what God promised and I know he is going to be true to His promises if I just hang in there.
Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!
Oh my gosh! The joy of the Lord really is becoming my strength. I talked with my mom about this and she said that when she is feeling in a funk, she gets up, smiles and says "It's a beautiful day." Well, I am doing the same thing. I have been praying at night asking God to help me flex my joy muscles and in the morning doing the same thing and I'm really starting to feel the joy of the Lord. Praise God. There is such a thing. Who was I to expect that after been so unhappy for the past, my gosh I'm sad to say five years, that I was going to have the joy of the Lord without striving for it. I'm not only striving, but I'm at a full run.
It was neat in that yesterday's sermon discussed stress on the job and how we need to turn our jobs into not those of our employers, but those of the Lord's. My job is ok, I work with wonderful people, but I am not nearly challenged enough and don't plan on staying there forever, this is just a stepping stone. However, today I woke up said it was going to be a beautiful day full of the joy of the Lord and everything is yours God in all I do may I strive to do it as you would have me to. I had one of the most blessed days I think in my life and nothing changed but my attitude and outlook.
I even was tested by being completely wronged by a family member, but instead of being hurt, which I really could have been and almost let myself be, I felt so sorry for them in all they were losing by throwing their relationship with me away but I still had the joy of the Lord. Please pray for an unknown family member that whatever issues are at the heart of their matter they will see that I am still right here, doing the same thing I was when they made their decision and all they have to do is be civil and talk about whatever is wrong.
But anyway, the joy of the Lord is real. I'm still young in it and I know I will be tested again, but join with me in flexing your joy muscles as well if you struggle with any lingering non joy feeling. I want what God promised and I know he is going to be true to His promises if I just hang in there.
Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I Wish vs. What Is
Today I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to start really healing I need to put aside the "I wishes" - which only cause my heart to hurt and concentrate on the "What Is's". I wish my husband would have been by my side sharing the music I so enjoyed at last night's Jackie Green concert. I wish he were by my side for yesterday's mammogram. I wish that you didn't have to be perfect to be loved by him.
Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.
So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.
Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.
Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.
So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.
Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Baby Xavier and Mammograms
I live on a main street and use public transportation to get to and from work downtown. One day in December while walking home from my bus stop I ran across a Christmas gift that must have fallen out of a vehicle that drove down the street. I brought the gift home wishing that I could reach its owners, but no, we don't seem to put contact information on gift tags do we. To Baby Xaver from Grandma and Grandpa the tag read. Well, inside the box was a nice baby blanket that I have kept on top of my bed since December.
I have been thinking that this gift is more valuable for baby Xavier than if he had it to curl up with because not a day goes by that I don't think of and pray for him. My heart hurts because I know how tight money is and how disappointed his grandparents were to find their gift missing, but if only I could tell them that their loss wasn't in vain.
Today I woke up thinking of baby Xavier, how old he might be, what he looks like, etc. Imagine my surprise when I went into my daughter's room, who I am sure has not thought of this baby since the day I found the gift, and while spending a moment with her while she prepared for school (furlough Friday for me) she told me, "Mommy, I know what I am going to name a son someday. I'm going to name him Xavier." At that moment, I began to think of God and how maybe he has me praying for baby Xavier now, to prepare me for having my own Xavier to pray for in the future. Funny God, isn't he amazing.
After being told by three people the other day at a Doctor's visit that I needed to get my mammogram done, I went and took care of business this morning. Praise God too, the walk in appointments start at 8:30 and I arrived at 8:15 and was brought in immediately and was out of there by 8:30. Anyway, this is only my second mammogram and my first was a big celebration to me of turning 40, a celebration that my husband shared with me as he joined me in the passage of a different era of womanhood. My heart was somewhat saddened as I did this event alone today. He should have been there with me. Not for any support or anything because they really are no big deal, but just to have been there. For me, love and life are a series of small celebrations and rituals. Just like I now have a ritual of celebrating baby Xavier's life and praying for him about daily, I wanted the ritual of always having my husband there at my side for all of my mammograms. Stupid I know, but I praise God that today I started on the path of doing things, not alone, but with my God, my husband for a season. After all, he promised I would never be alone didn't he.
Today I ask all of us to join in prayer for all the grandparents to know that there are others who pray for and care about their grandchildren. I ask us to join in praying for marriages everywhere, that couples never stop celebrating the small, unimportant things in life that really make life more fun and keep couples tied even more closely together. I miss those things, but God has promised that he will restore the years the locusts have stolen and that he will repair David's tent, so pray for me as well, as I begin this journey of having a new spouse and having to rely on myself and my God to carry me through the times I really shouldn't have to be alone.
I have been thinking that this gift is more valuable for baby Xavier than if he had it to curl up with because not a day goes by that I don't think of and pray for him. My heart hurts because I know how tight money is and how disappointed his grandparents were to find their gift missing, but if only I could tell them that their loss wasn't in vain.
Today I woke up thinking of baby Xavier, how old he might be, what he looks like, etc. Imagine my surprise when I went into my daughter's room, who I am sure has not thought of this baby since the day I found the gift, and while spending a moment with her while she prepared for school (furlough Friday for me) she told me, "Mommy, I know what I am going to name a son someday. I'm going to name him Xavier." At that moment, I began to think of God and how maybe he has me praying for baby Xavier now, to prepare me for having my own Xavier to pray for in the future. Funny God, isn't he amazing.
After being told by three people the other day at a Doctor's visit that I needed to get my mammogram done, I went and took care of business this morning. Praise God too, the walk in appointments start at 8:30 and I arrived at 8:15 and was brought in immediately and was out of there by 8:30. Anyway, this is only my second mammogram and my first was a big celebration to me of turning 40, a celebration that my husband shared with me as he joined me in the passage of a different era of womanhood. My heart was somewhat saddened as I did this event alone today. He should have been there with me. Not for any support or anything because they really are no big deal, but just to have been there. For me, love and life are a series of small celebrations and rituals. Just like I now have a ritual of celebrating baby Xavier's life and praying for him about daily, I wanted the ritual of always having my husband there at my side for all of my mammograms. Stupid I know, but I praise God that today I started on the path of doing things, not alone, but with my God, my husband for a season. After all, he promised I would never be alone didn't he.
Today I ask all of us to join in prayer for all the grandparents to know that there are others who pray for and care about their grandchildren. I ask us to join in praying for marriages everywhere, that couples never stop celebrating the small, unimportant things in life that really make life more fun and keep couples tied even more closely together. I miss those things, but God has promised that he will restore the years the locusts have stolen and that he will repair David's tent, so pray for me as well, as I begin this journey of having a new spouse and having to rely on myself and my God to carry me through the times I really shouldn't have to be alone.
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