Today was interesting. No matter what, maybe you really aren't able to do what you think you should be able to when you just aren't ready to do so. Today I took the day off to go to the courthouse and take the "Do It Yourself Divorce" clinic. Hard as I tried, I just couldn't bring myself to check either of the boxes that were my options - those being dissolution and/or legal separation. I swear, I tried to put my pen to those boxes, but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't until I figured out that for me to not really lose out on some financial things and to see that I really need the assistance of an attorney to help me in any action I do that I boldly checked the dissolution boxes throughout all of the paperwork that needed that box checked and all of the paperwork that I knew I wouldn't be turning in anyways. Yeah, I was so brave, when I knew it didn't matter.
You know what though. I didn't feel badly about this. I, Dianne Rene'e, am simply not ready. It has nothing to do with whether or not I still love him, it just has to do with the fact that I am not ready. I did realize though that I am getting closer to being ready for something. I just don't know what it is yet, but I am ok. I do look forward to getting out of what I call "limbo-land". I think that part of my hesitancy comes because I think I became partially brainwashed with two marriage ministries that I followed closely this past year and a half. I still believe in them - for some people, actually, for almost everyone except for me. They followed the thinking that God can restore all broken marriages. I was holding on to those thinkings for quite some time and am letting go a little at a time. I am more inclined to believe now that yes, God can restore those marriages, but only if God decides that is what He wants for you. He might just want something else though. No matter what, I am getting closer to something.
The only thing I really feel badly about at this moment in regards to my situation are all of those people around me that just don't get what the heck I am holding on to. I am not holding on to anything - we all know there is nothing to hold on to. My husband, STBX or whatever he is clearly wants nothing to do with me and clearly doesn't care a bit about me, but for me, that doesn't matter. That's his bad, not mine. I just wish he would divorce me instead of doing nothing, but that's ok. My pastor has assured me that God will let me know when I am ready and I trust my God that much to believe that He will. So, til then, I thank God that He is preparing me a little at a time for whatever He holds in store. The world will just have to wait for me to know what that it. After all, I am getting there a little at a time.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all know when we are ready to make next steps on whatever it is we need to move forward on. That we all learn to decipher the voice of God and not listen to the world and trust that at just the right moment, we will know which way to turn because God has showed us the way.
Hallelujah!
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