Wow, God answered a prayer for me today and actually, he answered it last night, even before I knew I was going to have a prayer request. I am taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace university class and last week our homework was to do our real, zero balance budget. Well, it took me over 3 hours and I got it done last Friday night. Yesterday at work the email came out telling us that our bus passes were available for purchase. Well, that got me to wondering - "did I put my bus pass in my budget?". I forgot about it til I was running out the door this morning and took a quick glance and realized that yes, I had forgotten the bust pass.
I know how tight my budget is and my words out loud as I left home were "ok God, I will deal with this later, but you know that I have no idea what to do so I am trusting you." I meant it, I did not stress or anything, I just meant to deal with it when I got home. I got to work about 30 minutes later and was in awe as I got a message from somebody who likes my writings and who offered me a side job doing some edits on his writings that will cover my bus pass as well as possibly pay me some extra. That and he sent the message last night! Before I even knew I was going to have a need.
Wow, wow, wow. That told me that it does pay off to get in line with and stay in line with God's will. When I did my budget, I paid attention to my emotions, something I always like to do when doing something new. Well, my emotions were so varied, but the one emotion that prevailed was peace. Peace that I and my daughter will be ok. For God to have done what He did for me today - actually yesterday before I even knew I needed anything, is just huge to me. I am amazed at how quickly He acted on my behalf. Wow, God is certainly on the job.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we all realize how much God wants to work in our lives. I ask you to join me in prayer praying for all of us that we find ways to let go and let Him. I am working on that and I am realizing the freedom there is in letting go.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
I Still Love Lantana
When I owned my home, one of the flowers I planted early on were about 4 different Lantana plants. How I looked for the first bloom of those plants each spring and said goodbye to the late blooms up through November before my plants rested for winter. What a joy to be able to plant something really small and just watch it go through it's cycles of life each year getting bigger and bigger.
I ran into a woman at the nursery once who loudly proclaimed her dislike of lantana saying how she wanted new plants each year, each season. I think my love of lantana goes along with the way I love in life. I like the things I love to last. I enjoy going through the different seasons with those things. I remember one time seeing a woman throw out her "old" plants once and wishing I had the guts to go dumpster diving. What a pleasure it is to have something that looks near death, no green on it whatsoever, just brown sticks and then one day turn around and there it is, a green leaf that the next day turns into two or more leaves and then a bloom. Ah, there is nothing better to me.
Maybe that is why I had so much hope for my marriage because the things that endeared me to growing older with my husband, you know, the lanky branches, were the very things that I looked forward to seeing new growth on each year. Oh well, those were the very things he disdained. Guess what, he is so missing out on current and future blooms because both my daughter and I are full of them.
Guess what else, I'm ok. I have two lantana plants in pots here at my apartment, one blooming, one not, but I'm gonna keep them, that and I am going to buy myself two new Lantanas. After all, I still love Lantana and find great joy in watching them change from season to season.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for growth and for hanging in there and for not giving up hope - even if it seems nothing is happening because one day, when you least expect it, God moves and Lantanas grow.
Hallelujah!
I ran into a woman at the nursery once who loudly proclaimed her dislike of lantana saying how she wanted new plants each year, each season. I think my love of lantana goes along with the way I love in life. I like the things I love to last. I enjoy going through the different seasons with those things. I remember one time seeing a woman throw out her "old" plants once and wishing I had the guts to go dumpster diving. What a pleasure it is to have something that looks near death, no green on it whatsoever, just brown sticks and then one day turn around and there it is, a green leaf that the next day turns into two or more leaves and then a bloom. Ah, there is nothing better to me.
Maybe that is why I had so much hope for my marriage because the things that endeared me to growing older with my husband, you know, the lanky branches, were the very things that I looked forward to seeing new growth on each year. Oh well, those were the very things he disdained. Guess what, he is so missing out on current and future blooms because both my daughter and I are full of them.
Guess what else, I'm ok. I have two lantana plants in pots here at my apartment, one blooming, one not, but I'm gonna keep them, that and I am going to buy myself two new Lantanas. After all, I still love Lantana and find great joy in watching them change from season to season.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for growth and for hanging in there and for not giving up hope - even if it seems nothing is happening because one day, when you least expect it, God moves and Lantanas grow.
Hallelujah!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Chains are Broken...
Shame has fallen, all my fears are gone! You know, I am so amazed at what God is doing in mine and my daughter's life. I feel so awed at the wonders He is bestowing upon us.
I just had the most blessed evening and an evening I have not experienced in probably 17 years. Thank you K, D and J, this was a blessed time for me. When you don't know how good something is, you don't know what you are missing, but I know now how wonderful it is to have a group of wonderful women around me, minus alcohol or drugs and I would know what I was missing if I didn't get the chance to do this again. My gosh, we women are hilarious and fun. What a blast and I don't really even know what made it so wonderful. Thank you Father, I am grateful.
The whole ride home that song just kept replaying in my head how the chains that held me down in my life are peeling away one at a time. I just love how God is giving me the opportunity to feel joy. Hey, I guess it is true that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Today I got to watch my daughter play soccer for the first time in her life without someone being mad at her or pushing her to do more and play harder. Maybe that push was good for her for a moment, but what a joy to watch her shine so brightly on that field to where the other parents were saying, wow that girl is good, and have that girl get into my car happy and not upset and with someone who yelled at her the whole way home or told her how she should have done better. What a joy it was to let her go to a quince party tonight and pick her up and see her so happy.
What a wonderful Saturday, one of the first of many. And to think, for this past year, my Saturdays were the worst day of the week for me. The chains on that are not just broken, they are gone.
Today I ask you to join with me in prayer for us to all have the opportunity to experience Saturdays shared with loved ones or friends that simply make our hearts smile. After all, if our hearts are smiling, aren't we better able to help others in need. I think so.
Hallelujah!
I just had the most blessed evening and an evening I have not experienced in probably 17 years. Thank you K, D and J, this was a blessed time for me. When you don't know how good something is, you don't know what you are missing, but I know now how wonderful it is to have a group of wonderful women around me, minus alcohol or drugs and I would know what I was missing if I didn't get the chance to do this again. My gosh, we women are hilarious and fun. What a blast and I don't really even know what made it so wonderful. Thank you Father, I am grateful.
The whole ride home that song just kept replaying in my head how the chains that held me down in my life are peeling away one at a time. I just love how God is giving me the opportunity to feel joy. Hey, I guess it is true that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Today I got to watch my daughter play soccer for the first time in her life without someone being mad at her or pushing her to do more and play harder. Maybe that push was good for her for a moment, but what a joy to watch her shine so brightly on that field to where the other parents were saying, wow that girl is good, and have that girl get into my car happy and not upset and with someone who yelled at her the whole way home or told her how she should have done better. What a joy it was to let her go to a quince party tonight and pick her up and see her so happy.
What a wonderful Saturday, one of the first of many. And to think, for this past year, my Saturdays were the worst day of the week for me. The chains on that are not just broken, they are gone.
Today I ask you to join with me in prayer for us to all have the opportunity to experience Saturdays shared with loved ones or friends that simply make our hearts smile. After all, if our hearts are smiling, aren't we better able to help others in need. I think so.
Hallelujah!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Financial Peace
Well, here I go, set to truly embark on my journey of Financial Peace University. Wow! Today I sat down to do the real budget. What a great time for the homework to come, right before payday. I was grateful for that as I only get paid once a month, I was excited to get started on this new life.
This truly does involve letting go, but the harsh reality of it is exactly the same as I posed the question to my pastor should I even take this class knowing that I have nothing left at the end of the month, if I even make it. He told me - yes, take the class as you never know what God has in store. Well, now I know in reality what God has to work with.
I admit that as I set to do this budget, I stopped and prayed, asking God to be with me and to help me be a good steward of His money for His glory. I also admit that when I was finally done doing this task, at least 1 1/2 hours later, I was near tears, but I said no, I will not cry because God is in control. I prayed again and then I called my accountability partners. I am so blessed to have a wonderful married couple who is going to be with me through this.
It was funny as I posed a question to her, she said "let me go to the other room and put you on speaker phone so you can ask him" and they both agreed that God was speaking to them as they both gave me the same answer. Hey, I guess God knows I am trying. I still kind of feel like crying though. One thing that looking at myself on paper as far as a budget goes is the fact that if my daughter's father even gave just a little child support for her, it would make a huge difference. This assignment made me hurt again, mad, and excited for what God will be doing, all at the same time.
I admit that even though there really is not much for us to "play" with, not much wiggle room at all, there is a certain sense of peace that no matter what, we are going to survive from day to day and we don't have to fear that. Dave Ramsey says it takes 91 days to adjust to this new way of financial living. I am going to do that 91 days and more. How exciting to be showing my daughter this legacy. It's right there in black and white. She can see the error of debt in the first place, as although I don't have much, I have some and if I didn't we would have much more "wiggle room". She can learn how to manage her money and she can learn to trust God.
Maybe I need to cry, because realizing what a wonderful thing I am doing for my daughter is touching my heart even more than realizing the reality of my fiancial situation did. Funny, and I'm not even PMS'ing. Must totally be a God thing. Praise the Lord for softening hearts.
My daughter is named Gloria. My husband named her before she was even conceived telling me when we met that we were going to get married and have a daughter and name her Gloria because everything that is good in the life is the Gloria. I ask you to join me in prayer that God place some of the memory of how he wanted and created this child so that maybe, just maybe his heart will be softened to financially support this girl, who is very good and who does not deserve anything other than to at least be cared about a little by her father.
Hallelujah!
This truly does involve letting go, but the harsh reality of it is exactly the same as I posed the question to my pastor should I even take this class knowing that I have nothing left at the end of the month, if I even make it. He told me - yes, take the class as you never know what God has in store. Well, now I know in reality what God has to work with.
I admit that as I set to do this budget, I stopped and prayed, asking God to be with me and to help me be a good steward of His money for His glory. I also admit that when I was finally done doing this task, at least 1 1/2 hours later, I was near tears, but I said no, I will not cry because God is in control. I prayed again and then I called my accountability partners. I am so blessed to have a wonderful married couple who is going to be with me through this.
It was funny as I posed a question to her, she said "let me go to the other room and put you on speaker phone so you can ask him" and they both agreed that God was speaking to them as they both gave me the same answer. Hey, I guess God knows I am trying. I still kind of feel like crying though. One thing that looking at myself on paper as far as a budget goes is the fact that if my daughter's father even gave just a little child support for her, it would make a huge difference. This assignment made me hurt again, mad, and excited for what God will be doing, all at the same time.
I admit that even though there really is not much for us to "play" with, not much wiggle room at all, there is a certain sense of peace that no matter what, we are going to survive from day to day and we don't have to fear that. Dave Ramsey says it takes 91 days to adjust to this new way of financial living. I am going to do that 91 days and more. How exciting to be showing my daughter this legacy. It's right there in black and white. She can see the error of debt in the first place, as although I don't have much, I have some and if I didn't we would have much more "wiggle room". She can learn how to manage her money and she can learn to trust God.
Maybe I need to cry, because realizing what a wonderful thing I am doing for my daughter is touching my heart even more than realizing the reality of my fiancial situation did. Funny, and I'm not even PMS'ing. Must totally be a God thing. Praise the Lord for softening hearts.
My daughter is named Gloria. My husband named her before she was even conceived telling me when we met that we were going to get married and have a daughter and name her Gloria because everything that is good in the life is the Gloria. I ask you to join me in prayer that God place some of the memory of how he wanted and created this child so that maybe, just maybe his heart will be softened to financially support this girl, who is very good and who does not deserve anything other than to at least be cared about a little by her father.
Hallelujah!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Strange Days
Well, today I did it. I blew it in more than one way. Today I kind of sucked in my christian walk. Today I realized how far from perfect I am. Today I realized that I need to ask God to help me be even stronger in a few areas of my life.
I, personally am going to blame it on the full moon because I didn't seem to be the only kind of funky person in the world today. But, I should be better than what I was today. I should have risen above.
One of the ways I blew it, I'm only going to tell you about one, was that I got angry with somebody that I feel has slighted me greatly and I did not control a few of my words. No, I didn't fall victim to cursing or anything (I wanted to), but I did not totally display the love of Jesus either. I should have been better at displaying the Love of the Lord, but I wasn't.
In this case, I have been being treated quite poorly by this person and I guess hidden inside of me is unforgiveness at this and when faced with having to deal with this person, maybe, just maybe some of the old hurts all came out at once. Who knows, but I could have been better.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we pray harder for those who curse us to be blessed, to come to know the love of the Lord. I ask you to join me in prayer that we each remember that "it's your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh God." May we display His kindness for others to realize their wrongs and come to repentance.
What a strange day this was.
Hallelujah!
I, personally am going to blame it on the full moon because I didn't seem to be the only kind of funky person in the world today. But, I should be better than what I was today. I should have risen above.
One of the ways I blew it, I'm only going to tell you about one, was that I got angry with somebody that I feel has slighted me greatly and I did not control a few of my words. No, I didn't fall victim to cursing or anything (I wanted to), but I did not totally display the love of Jesus either. I should have been better at displaying the Love of the Lord, but I wasn't.
In this case, I have been being treated quite poorly by this person and I guess hidden inside of me is unforgiveness at this and when faced with having to deal with this person, maybe, just maybe some of the old hurts all came out at once. Who knows, but I could have been better.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer that we pray harder for those who curse us to be blessed, to come to know the love of the Lord. I ask you to join me in prayer that we each remember that "it's your kindness that leads us to repentance Oh God." May we display His kindness for others to realize their wrongs and come to repentance.
What a strange day this was.
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
It's All Coming Back To Me Now
My Lord just keeps on healing me. As long as I continue to trust Him, I am getting back up. This week I have uncovered two areas of fear that I was living in. What a wonderful thing to find these things out so that now I can ask God to heal me in these areas. I honestly didn't even know they were there, but now that I do, I can let go and trust Him even more with my life.
Have you ever had people come into your life that you just fall in love with? The people that truly care about you and want the best for you. I have four of those people in my life like that right now. Three women and one man. I am remarking at how the love is so genuine and so above any relational, sexual type of love. It is the kind of love that I think comes straight from a heart of God. I am thanking God for these people because it is a whole new realm, one I really have not experienced before.
I think that the way I was before that phone call is coming back to me now, that and new realizations that are making where I was then even smaller than where I am headed now.
Yahweh, my Lord I cry, Jehovah, Elohim, my Lord most high when my hands are raised my knees they fall as I simply pray... I am set free because He is my conquerer. He is all I need.
Today join me in prayer for healing. For faithlessness uncovered that turns into new faith discoverd. For a God who is so very worthy to be praised.
Hallelujah!
Have you ever had people come into your life that you just fall in love with? The people that truly care about you and want the best for you. I have four of those people in my life like that right now. Three women and one man. I am remarking at how the love is so genuine and so above any relational, sexual type of love. It is the kind of love that I think comes straight from a heart of God. I am thanking God for these people because it is a whole new realm, one I really have not experienced before.
I think that the way I was before that phone call is coming back to me now, that and new realizations that are making where I was then even smaller than where I am headed now.
Yahweh, my Lord I cry, Jehovah, Elohim, my Lord most high when my hands are raised my knees they fall as I simply pray... I am set free because He is my conquerer. He is all I need.
Today join me in prayer for healing. For faithlessness uncovered that turns into new faith discoverd. For a God who is so very worthy to be praised.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
How Far Have I Come?
I don't really know just yet, but I am going to work on finding that out in the next two weeks. My newest homework from my Life Advisor (LA) is to work on my self esteem. To help me raise that, he had me go through some of my past assignments with him at my Monday night meeting with him because he wanted me to see in writing - my own writing nonetheless, of how much better and stronger I am getting. It was kind of cool. It was a good starting point.
I shared with you guys how a two minute call from my STBX a week ago Sunday really took me back down a few notches and I have been struggling to regain my footing. My LA helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and even in my somewhat weakness, I have grown so much stronger.
And you know what, I have. I am cutting away what I call "the tentacles of abuse" one by one. Sometimes, I picture my STBX as an octopus and even though he's way far away, there's one of those tentacles of his when I come into certain situations that make me feel one of the ways I felt when confined to his abuse and to the circumstances that I have lived under for so many years. My LA helped me to see how strong I really am because one week we went through the abuses and I am a survivor. I learned that one of the way to break free from a narcissists abuse of you is to turn it from "I was a victim of the abuse" to "I survived the abuse." And survive I did.
I survived with my belief in mankind, my belief in love, my belief in God, but most of all, I survived with my belief in me, that I am worthy of being loved by others, by God and by myself. That belief is something that was many times attacked as I was told over and over how there was so much wrong with me, that I was no good and that I was not worthy of anything but bad things to come my way. How wrong he was.
I am trying to make certain that I live my life for God and for my daughter and for me, but I will be honest and admit that there is still a part of me that wants to shine with all I am to prove him wrong. But then I remember he's a narcissist and won't care, heck I was shining all along no matter what he did to me which just made him work harder to try to make me stop shining. I guess that I don't need to prove anything to him, because I have proven I can shine under all circumstances. Now I just need to keep striving for what God has in store for me.
Tonight I ask you to join me in prayer for the healing rain of God to run down over us and just calm the fires of anything trying to come against us and wash away those things that try to come against us and hurt us. I ask you to pray that tentacles of abuse be gone.
Hallelujah!
I shared with you guys how a two minute call from my STBX a week ago Sunday really took me back down a few notches and I have been struggling to regain my footing. My LA helped me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me and even in my somewhat weakness, I have grown so much stronger.
And you know what, I have. I am cutting away what I call "the tentacles of abuse" one by one. Sometimes, I picture my STBX as an octopus and even though he's way far away, there's one of those tentacles of his when I come into certain situations that make me feel one of the ways I felt when confined to his abuse and to the circumstances that I have lived under for so many years. My LA helped me to see how strong I really am because one week we went through the abuses and I am a survivor. I learned that one of the way to break free from a narcissists abuse of you is to turn it from "I was a victim of the abuse" to "I survived the abuse." And survive I did.
I survived with my belief in mankind, my belief in love, my belief in God, but most of all, I survived with my belief in me, that I am worthy of being loved by others, by God and by myself. That belief is something that was many times attacked as I was told over and over how there was so much wrong with me, that I was no good and that I was not worthy of anything but bad things to come my way. How wrong he was.
I am trying to make certain that I live my life for God and for my daughter and for me, but I will be honest and admit that there is still a part of me that wants to shine with all I am to prove him wrong. But then I remember he's a narcissist and won't care, heck I was shining all along no matter what he did to me which just made him work harder to try to make me stop shining. I guess that I don't need to prove anything to him, because I have proven I can shine under all circumstances. Now I just need to keep striving for what God has in store for me.
Tonight I ask you to join me in prayer for the healing rain of God to run down over us and just calm the fires of anything trying to come against us and wash away those things that try to come against us and hurt us. I ask you to pray that tentacles of abuse be gone.
Hallelujah!
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