Through this past month I have dealt with extreme sickness and, what I believe to be, a tragic loss of my marriage. Guess what though. I am still standing. No matter what Satan throws at me, I am still fighting back.
I have learned to not let this world get to me, and as I contemplate what fruit or vegetable I am going to pick up in the next few minutes to snack on, to keep my immunity system on the high side. I am learning to trust that God loves me, even if I mess up. One of the reasons I really don't mess up too much, or even want to is I get so afraid that I am going to hex myself. Like God is a God of witchcraft or something. I get afraid that the blessings that He has been blessing me with are going to all be yanked away or something. Then I remember that He doesn't love me because of my performance. He loves me because He just does and if I mess up, He knows me well enough to know that it will probably be just that A mess up in the singular in that instance because I have this conviction inside of me that really wants to be a living testimony. I really do want to try to show the world what one can do if they give their life away to serve Him and follow His will.
I will admit that today I had a deep hurt happen. My step son that I raised since he was 10 and loved just as much, at times more than my own sons followed his father's path and purposefully did something that he knew would hurt me. My heart hurt and I was angry all in one. I wanted to say angry things to him, but couldn't. All I could muster up was the truth. The truth being that "For you to purposefully do something against me was hurtful in light of I have never done anything but love you. May God bless you and keep you." It was funny in that I got no response back. I meant it. May God bless him.
What hurts the most out of all of this is that I do not care what anybody says, divorce is NOT necessary. If you have two people that love the Lord with all their mind, heart, soul and strength, I don't even see how it is possible. I loved my step son and told him I would never understand why our relationship could not have continued just because his father stopped loving me. It hurts when you see people not follow their own hearts. I loved my husband, but you can clearly see that there were not two people loving the Lord with all that they were, even if he claimed to be doing just that, actions speak so much louder than words.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for my precious nephew, Collin, who is 10. He has been sick now for over 2 weeks with a few days break in between. I love my little chunky Bubba to death and I ask you to pray against anything trying to mess with his health. I ask you to join me in prayer for immune systems. That we who are struggling with health issues find a way to get ours up. I ask you to pray for strength to fight battles that we didn't even know we'd have to fight and as always - please pray for every marriage you know that Satan's hands be bound from ever messing with that couple. I have learned that divorce hurts, but it's the surprise relationships lost that hurt the most.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Kindness of Friends and Family
I have been sick and today I was the recipient of some of the nicest gestures of kindness imaginable. A sister from church brought my daughter and I a wonderful, well rounded meal that even included dessert. A friend that retired from where I work sent me a Safeway.com grocery order. I am so grateful to both of these ladies that words just cannot express the amount of my gratitude. But thank you to both of you.
My mother has helped me this entire week with so many things that I can't even state all of them. But I am so grateful to have had her. I don't know if it was because of the sickness or because of the medicines, but I have not been totally with it. I am much better today and I can feel it in my eyes especially. They were so red and glossy up til today that they were even hard to see through. The headache still lingers a bit, but the nausea - Praise God - has left me alone today.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for the kindness of people who go out on a limb to help those of us who are in need and that those of us in need turn around eventually and pay it forward.
Hallelujah! Thank you to those that cared about and for me during this time of sickness. I appreciate it so much.
My mother has helped me this entire week with so many things that I can't even state all of them. But I am so grateful to have had her. I don't know if it was because of the sickness or because of the medicines, but I have not been totally with it. I am much better today and I can feel it in my eyes especially. They were so red and glossy up til today that they were even hard to see through. The headache still lingers a bit, but the nausea - Praise God - has left me alone today.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer thanking God for the kindness of people who go out on a limb to help those of us who are in need and that those of us in need turn around eventually and pay it forward.
Hallelujah! Thank you to those that cared about and for me during this time of sickness. I appreciate it so much.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I Chose to Love and Still Do
Being as I am sick and nausea has been my best friend for a few days, I was so very happy that in a moment of feeling well yesterday, I decided to do some of my homework assigned to me by my Life Advisor. I went and got a library card and checked some books out as well. I spent the whole day reading one of those books. God must have led me to it because I wasn't looking for anything in particular and this jumped out at me.
The book I read is called "Why I Stayed" written by Gayle Haggard, wife of Ted Haggard who was the senior pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. It was found out that Ted Haggard had a homosexual affair and was using illegal drugs, but Gayle Haggard stood by her husband.
This book - to me, displayed the love that Christ instills within us if we are truly serving Him and letting Him mold and make us. This book helped me calm the voice of Satan that was telling me I was stupid for having stood for my marriage to be restored for so long. Don't worry, I'm not standing for that anymore as I see clearly now that God wanted to restore something but that something was me.
I chose to love my husband like Jesus. I chose to trust God and told him that I would accept whatever He wanted, and even though it hurt, I followed Him and accepted His no. I choose now to realize that this woman's story ended differently from mine because her husband gave her the gift of repentance, and he chose, as she did, to heal their marriage. My husband did not choose those things. I am choosing to do what Jesus instructed me to to do, forgive and love.
So yes, I realize that I have entered a new way to love my soon to be ex (STBX), and I hope to do as good of a job at that as I did for standing for my marriage.
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for marriages. Yes, we are all human and there are instances that we fall short, join me in praying that if this happens that both parties buckle down and choose to love. What a wonderful example of love this book was. I highly recommend it.
Hallelujah! Choose to love, it's worth it.
The book I read is called "Why I Stayed" written by Gayle Haggard, wife of Ted Haggard who was the senior pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. It was found out that Ted Haggard had a homosexual affair and was using illegal drugs, but Gayle Haggard stood by her husband.
This book - to me, displayed the love that Christ instills within us if we are truly serving Him and letting Him mold and make us. This book helped me calm the voice of Satan that was telling me I was stupid for having stood for my marriage to be restored for so long. Don't worry, I'm not standing for that anymore as I see clearly now that God wanted to restore something but that something was me.
I chose to love my husband like Jesus. I chose to trust God and told him that I would accept whatever He wanted, and even though it hurt, I followed Him and accepted His no. I choose now to realize that this woman's story ended differently from mine because her husband gave her the gift of repentance, and he chose, as she did, to heal their marriage. My husband did not choose those things. I am choosing to do what Jesus instructed me to to do, forgive and love.
So yes, I realize that I have entered a new way to love my soon to be ex (STBX), and I hope to do as good of a job at that as I did for standing for my marriage.
Today, I ask you to join me in prayer for marriages. Yes, we are all human and there are instances that we fall short, join me in praying that if this happens that both parties buckle down and choose to love. What a wonderful example of love this book was. I highly recommend it.
Hallelujah! Choose to love, it's worth it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Is That All You've Got Satan?
I really think that Satan thought he was going to win when he pushed me even more today than he has been pushing me. I've been sick and been made sick by the medicines I am taking. Now, it might just be that the medicines are not even working because now they say I have MRSA.
Here is a little MRSA information: MRSA is a resistant staph bacteria that can spread easily from person to person. Anyone can get this new strain, it does not mean you are not keeping clean.
I have a "rare case" which means I got a blood stream infection. Well Satan got whiff of what was going on and has decided to attack me by letting my daughter get a tiny spot of this stupid plague. I have been being so very careful, knowing that just a staph infection is infectious, but Satan just wants to mess with me. I took her to the doctor and she has the correct medicines. They are working on my medicines.
Today I was starting to get angry about her father and finances and before I really even had time to get there, God blessed me with a state check I thought I had cashed a while back. I figured that God doesn't want me to expend anger on him. Well, when I went to put the check in the bank, almost the whole thing was gone because the check for school pictures had beat me to the deposit. But, Praise God, I had just enough left from that check to cover my daughter's medical visit and her medications. Back to square one, but hey, God did meet my needs didn't he.
However, I will be honest with you and say that when my daughter started getting the staph infection, I was close to despair, but I - even when the tears began to fall, said aloud, I need to call a sister to ask her to join me in praising God that Satan will not stop me from believing God's promises to me. I will not give in and turn away from God this time, no matter how hard the battle. I will praise God in this storm with all I am.
So, Satan - bring it on, but you won't win. I am loved, not only by my God, but by my sisters that answer my calls when I ring them and who pray for me and lift me up against you. I am not afraid.
Today, please join me in prayer for my daughter. That is all I am asking for. Maybe this is selfish on my part, but all I really care about right now is that she not be touched because she is so very precious to me. I can fight my battles (with your help of course) but she doesn't know how to reach out just yet.
Hallelujah!
Here is a little MRSA information: MRSA is a resistant staph bacteria that can spread easily from person to person. Anyone can get this new strain, it does not mean you are not keeping clean.
I have a "rare case" which means I got a blood stream infection. Well Satan got whiff of what was going on and has decided to attack me by letting my daughter get a tiny spot of this stupid plague. I have been being so very careful, knowing that just a staph infection is infectious, but Satan just wants to mess with me. I took her to the doctor and she has the correct medicines. They are working on my medicines.
Today I was starting to get angry about her father and finances and before I really even had time to get there, God blessed me with a state check I thought I had cashed a while back. I figured that God doesn't want me to expend anger on him. Well, when I went to put the check in the bank, almost the whole thing was gone because the check for school pictures had beat me to the deposit. But, Praise God, I had just enough left from that check to cover my daughter's medical visit and her medications. Back to square one, but hey, God did meet my needs didn't he.
However, I will be honest with you and say that when my daughter started getting the staph infection, I was close to despair, but I - even when the tears began to fall, said aloud, I need to call a sister to ask her to join me in praising God that Satan will not stop me from believing God's promises to me. I will not give in and turn away from God this time, no matter how hard the battle. I will praise God in this storm with all I am.
So, Satan - bring it on, but you won't win. I am loved, not only by my God, but by my sisters that answer my calls when I ring them and who pray for me and lift me up against you. I am not afraid.
Today, please join me in prayer for my daughter. That is all I am asking for. Maybe this is selfish on my part, but all I really care about right now is that she not be touched because she is so very precious to me. I can fight my battles (with your help of course) but she doesn't know how to reach out just yet.
Hallelujah!
I'm Finally Getting It
I got the neatest message from a sister that follows my blog and I wanted to respond with another blog as well as a personal message back to her. She thanked me for sharing my walk and my faith.
Here I sit with staph infection that turned into blood poisoning and 3 boils from the staph infection, nauseous from the medicines, getting to the point where I am dreading the next medicine because I know how I am going to feel right afterwards. I have no money - maybe ten dollars to my name because moving wiped me out this month. My husband left to live in Mexico to find himself last Saturday telling my daughter he would only send child support if "she" called him two times a week. Oh, and mind you, this is after my daughter and I lived for one year in the midst of his abuse while I loved him like Jesus would have me to in the hopes of restoring my marriage.
Yes - if I kept looking at those things, I would feel so crummy, I would quit. No, I am choosing to focus on what God has done, not what he has not done. I am kind of thinking that God has allowed me this time as an opportunity to make up for what I failed to do when my life fell apart before.
I was serving God. Was wealthy with a great job, a great family - owned a beautiful home and my husband had an affair at the same time as my one and only best friend of 25 years died of a heart attack. I know to praise God in the storm and was doing so for about 3 months, but I was dying inside and didn't feel like God was hearing my prayers. I quit on God and told him just that. I wanted to die and believe that suicide is a sin (funny why would I care if I had turned my back on God) and if I'm dead I can't ask forgiveness for taking a life so I thought maybe by picking up a whole new drug I could "accidentally" overdose. 18 or so years prior to that time, I had been a drug addict, so with that history, I just got addicted all over again to this new drug that really messed my life up. I should have stood and served God and one of my only regrets in this life is that I didn't "pull a Job" during that time. Well, God is giving me another chance to do just that.
I want to be a living testimony that no matter what this life throws at me this time, I am going to stand on the promises of God. That is just about my favorite praise song in the world. Today I watched a great sermon and the message in a nutshell was "Quit Whining and Start Shining". I am hoping that I am beyond the whining part and don't fall victim to fear or sadness or despair because I've got this great big light of mine that I truly want to let shine. After all God, I'm finally getting it now. Besides, Romans 8:31 - If God is with me, who can be against me? He promised to never leave us. Thank you Father, and because you never change, I trust that.
Today join me in prayer that we can all pull a Job if necessary and that we can be living testimonies to God's hand in our lives when we all make it through. Pray that we all shine and force ourselves to put away the whine.
Hallelujah!
Here I sit with staph infection that turned into blood poisoning and 3 boils from the staph infection, nauseous from the medicines, getting to the point where I am dreading the next medicine because I know how I am going to feel right afterwards. I have no money - maybe ten dollars to my name because moving wiped me out this month. My husband left to live in Mexico to find himself last Saturday telling my daughter he would only send child support if "she" called him two times a week. Oh, and mind you, this is after my daughter and I lived for one year in the midst of his abuse while I loved him like Jesus would have me to in the hopes of restoring my marriage.
Yes - if I kept looking at those things, I would feel so crummy, I would quit. No, I am choosing to focus on what God has done, not what he has not done. I am kind of thinking that God has allowed me this time as an opportunity to make up for what I failed to do when my life fell apart before.
I was serving God. Was wealthy with a great job, a great family - owned a beautiful home and my husband had an affair at the same time as my one and only best friend of 25 years died of a heart attack. I know to praise God in the storm and was doing so for about 3 months, but I was dying inside and didn't feel like God was hearing my prayers. I quit on God and told him just that. I wanted to die and believe that suicide is a sin (funny why would I care if I had turned my back on God) and if I'm dead I can't ask forgiveness for taking a life so I thought maybe by picking up a whole new drug I could "accidentally" overdose. 18 or so years prior to that time, I had been a drug addict, so with that history, I just got addicted all over again to this new drug that really messed my life up. I should have stood and served God and one of my only regrets in this life is that I didn't "pull a Job" during that time. Well, God is giving me another chance to do just that.
I want to be a living testimony that no matter what this life throws at me this time, I am going to stand on the promises of God. That is just about my favorite praise song in the world. Today I watched a great sermon and the message in a nutshell was "Quit Whining and Start Shining". I am hoping that I am beyond the whining part and don't fall victim to fear or sadness or despair because I've got this great big light of mine that I truly want to let shine. After all God, I'm finally getting it now. Besides, Romans 8:31 - If God is with me, who can be against me? He promised to never leave us. Thank you Father, and because you never change, I trust that.
Today join me in prayer that we can all pull a Job if necessary and that we can be living testimonies to God's hand in our lives when we all make it through. Pray that we all shine and force ourselves to put away the whine.
Hallelujah!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I see the moon...
And the moon sees me. God bless the moon and God bless me.
I loved reading that book to my children. I loved looking at the beautiful full moon tonight. If you haven't yet looked, run out and take a peek. It's worth stepping outside.
Today has been a day. The medicine I am taking has made me nauseous most of the day. I had to go to the hospital to get my home adminstered IV put in. I laughed at myself as I realized that now both of my arms are messed up as is my left rear end cheek from the shot I got yesterday. I thanked God that I still had one good right leg.
Everything happens for a reason. I think the reason for me having to be home today was because I listened to the best sermon from Creflo Dollar - I think it was called Winning the Battle. It was based on 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory". Praise the Lord. My sickness, my heartbreak over my marriage failing are nothing if I stay the course and stay in God's will. Praise God!
Can you just imagine, I have been in God's will for quite some time now why would I want to blow it when I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt that my blessing is just around the corner. I have followed God everywhere He has led me, at times I have done so unwillingly, but I have gone nonetheless and have forced myself to praise him through my storms trying to pick out anything - even the smallest speck of good to keep me going through them. No, I am going to fight myself even to stay right where I am.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us, that whatever battle we have that might take us out of God's will be thwarted by our desire to stay right where we are.
I think that one of the things that is working in me is the fact that I am letting him mold me. I have changed so very much down to my core that at times I even surprise myself by who I have become.
Hallelujah!
I loved reading that book to my children. I loved looking at the beautiful full moon tonight. If you haven't yet looked, run out and take a peek. It's worth stepping outside.
Today has been a day. The medicine I am taking has made me nauseous most of the day. I had to go to the hospital to get my home adminstered IV put in. I laughed at myself as I realized that now both of my arms are messed up as is my left rear end cheek from the shot I got yesterday. I thanked God that I still had one good right leg.
Everything happens for a reason. I think the reason for me having to be home today was because I listened to the best sermon from Creflo Dollar - I think it was called Winning the Battle. It was based on 2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light affliction which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory". Praise the Lord. My sickness, my heartbreak over my marriage failing are nothing if I stay the course and stay in God's will. Praise God!
Can you just imagine, I have been in God's will for quite some time now why would I want to blow it when I know - beyond a shadow of a doubt that my blessing is just around the corner. I have followed God everywhere He has led me, at times I have done so unwillingly, but I have gone nonetheless and have forced myself to praise him through my storms trying to pick out anything - even the smallest speck of good to keep me going through them. No, I am going to fight myself even to stay right where I am.
Today I ask you to join me in prayer for all of us, that whatever battle we have that might take us out of God's will be thwarted by our desire to stay right where we are.
I think that one of the things that is working in me is the fact that I am letting him mold me. I have changed so very much down to my core that at times I even surprise myself by who I have become.
Hallelujah!
Monday, August 23, 2010
An Observation
Occasionally I will take a moment to go back and read my own blog and in doing so just now, I wanted to share a Praise God moment. I am healing, God is moving this mountain of heartache and I am so cool with it. I like where I'm going, there is so much hope in store. I always find it funny how when nothing around you physically changes there can be such huge changes within that make wonderful differences in your life.
I actually think my insides are starting to smile, even if I am sick - I know that is being taken care of by the medicines as well as I know that the Great Physician, my God is healing my heart.
Praise the Lord - He really is a God of miracles. Just take a moment and join me in praising God just for who He is. I know I will.
Hallelujah
I actually think my insides are starting to smile, even if I am sick - I know that is being taken care of by the medicines as well as I know that the Great Physician, my God is healing my heart.
Praise the Lord - He really is a God of miracles. Just take a moment and join me in praising God just for who He is. I know I will.
Hallelujah
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