The Joy of the Lord

For so long, I have heard and even said to myself in times of sorrow "the Joy of the Lord is my strength" but I have not felt it. The other day, probably last Tuesday, I was watching a sermon - I love Creflo Dollar, and he was speaking on the joy of the Lord. In a Dianne paraphrasing nutshell he said: The joy of the Lord is like when you wake up and find yourself out of shape and overweight you can't all of a sudden say "I'm going to be skinny today and be skinny. No, you need to work out and flex your muscles to get to a point of skinny again. Well, the joy of the Lord is the same way. You need to make a conscious effort to flex your joy of the Lord muscles. I decided right then and there to do just that.

Oh my gosh! The joy of the Lord really is becoming my strength. I talked with my mom about this and she said that when she is feeling in a funk, she gets up, smiles and says "It's a beautiful day." Well, I am doing the same thing. I have been praying at night asking God to help me flex my joy muscles and in the morning doing the same thing and I'm really starting to feel the joy of the Lord. Praise God. There is such a thing. Who was I to expect that after been so unhappy for the past, my gosh I'm sad to say five years, that I was going to have the joy of the Lord without striving for it. I'm not only striving, but I'm at a full run.

It was neat in that yesterday's sermon discussed stress on the job and how we need to turn our jobs into not those of our employers, but those of the Lord's. My job is ok, I work with wonderful people, but I am not nearly challenged enough and don't plan on staying there forever, this is just a stepping stone. However, today I woke up said it was going to be a beautiful day full of the joy of the Lord and everything is yours God in all I do may I strive to do it as you would have me to. I had one of the most blessed days I think in my life and nothing changed but my attitude and outlook.

I even was tested by being completely wronged by a family member, but instead of being hurt, which I really could have been and almost let myself be, I felt so sorry for them in all they were losing by throwing their relationship with me away but I still had the joy of the Lord. Please pray for an unknown family member that whatever issues are at the heart of their matter they will see that I am still right here, doing the same thing I was when they made their decision and all they have to do is be civil and talk about whatever is wrong.

But anyway, the joy of the Lord is real. I'm still young in it and I know I will be tested again, but join with me in flexing your joy muscles as well if you struggle with any lingering non joy feeling. I want what God promised and I know he is going to be true to His promises if I just hang in there.

Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!

I Wish vs. What Is

Today I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to start really healing I need to put aside the "I wishes" - which only cause my heart to hurt and concentrate on the "What Is's". I wish my husband would have been by my side sharing the music I so enjoyed at last night's Jackie Green concert. I wish he were by my side for yesterday's mammogram. I wish that you didn't have to be perfect to be loved by him.

Yesterday my daughter got into a little bit of trouble at school, something relatively minor, unacceptable of cours, but something that will be rectified by some actions on her part and something that is also a gateway into her life if you take the time to talk to her. However, my husband, apparently has decided that this "imperfectness in behavior" on her part makes her unloveable as he is not talking to her either last night or today. That to me is unacceptable. She is a young woman in that she is 15 but come on, in the total scheme of this life, she is but a baby. A baby who still needs the love of instruction, not the disdain of "you are not perfect, you are not worth my while". Poor kid, I think I'll just choose to love her through it all, explain my sadness at her choices when not good ones, pray and talk with her about not doing the same thing again and let her know she doesn't have to be perfect for me to love her. I'm going to love her and be there for her while she just finds her place in this world. She's going to make it because our God is great and she has a good mama.

So, for me, I am going to stop concentrating on I wishes and open my eyes and see the what is's. Pray for me as I begin to see things as they really are and that I will find the way to realize that as I do, that God is still with me and that none of my husband's behavior are anything I can control. Yes, I can still pray for him to someday give his life to our great Father, but til then, I am going to serve the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength and I am going to love my daughter to death, no matter what she does.

Hallelujah all and God bless. I give a special shout out and praise to my Lord for bringing Livvy into my life. Please pray that someday she and I can meet and share a prayer and a hug and a quiet moment. She is certainly part of my fledgling new found strength. God bless her.

Baby Xavier and Mammograms

I live on a main street and use public transportation to get to and from work downtown. One day in December while walking home from my bus stop I ran across a Christmas gift that must have fallen out of a vehicle that drove down the street. I brought the gift home wishing that I could reach its owners, but no, we don't seem to put contact information on gift tags do we. To Baby Xaver from Grandma and Grandpa the tag read. Well, inside the box was a nice baby blanket that I have kept on top of my bed since December.

I have been thinking that this gift is more valuable for baby Xavier than if he had it to curl up with because not a day goes by that I don't think of and pray for him. My heart hurts because I know how tight money is and how disappointed his grandparents were to find their gift missing, but if only I could tell them that their loss wasn't in vain.

Today I woke up thinking of baby Xavier, how old he might be, what he looks like, etc. Imagine my surprise when I went into my daughter's room, who I am sure has not thought of this baby since the day I found the gift, and while spending a moment with her while she prepared for school (furlough Friday for me) she told me, "Mommy, I know what I am going to name a son someday. I'm going to name him Xavier." At that moment, I began to think of God and how maybe he has me praying for baby Xavier now, to prepare me for having my own Xavier to pray for in the future. Funny God, isn't he amazing.

After being told by three people the other day at a Doctor's visit that I needed to get my mammogram done, I went and took care of business this morning. Praise God too, the walk in appointments start at 8:30 and I arrived at 8:15 and was brought in immediately and was out of there by 8:30. Anyway, this is only my second mammogram and my first was a big celebration to me of turning 40, a celebration that my husband shared with me as he joined me in the passage of a different era of womanhood. My heart was somewhat saddened as I did this event alone today. He should have been there with me. Not for any support or anything because they really are no big deal, but just to have been there. For me, love and life are a series of small celebrations and rituals. Just like I now have a ritual of celebrating baby Xavier's life and praying for him about daily, I wanted the ritual of always having my husband there at my side for all of my mammograms. Stupid I know, but I praise God that today I started on the path of doing things, not alone, but with my God, my husband for a season. After all, he promised I would never be alone didn't he.

Today I ask all of us to join in prayer for all the grandparents to know that there are others who pray for and care about their grandchildren. I ask us to join in praying for marriages everywhere, that couples never stop celebrating the small, unimportant things in life that really make life more fun and keep couples tied even more closely together. I miss those things, but God has promised that he will restore the years the locusts have stolen and that he will repair David's tent, so pray for me as well, as I begin this journey of having a new spouse and having to rely on myself and my God to carry me through the times I really shouldn't have to be alone.

African Violets and Perspectives

At work I have some plants on the counter of my workstation. Some big plant, an African Violet and a still hanging in there poinsettia. A co-worker and I noticed that the big plant has three blooms coming out on it. At the same time we noticed this, we were messing with the African Violet that is so healthy and lush and green, but has no blooms. He said that we need to have Mary come pinch it so as to hopefully force some blooms. Yesterday I said “Hey Mary, you should check out the blooms on the plant, (Mary is about 4’ 5”) and she came over and was so excited as she looked and said “Wow, it hasn’t bloomed in a long time!” I went over to her and saw that she was looking at the African Violet. I’ll be darned, straight ahead from her viewpoint, you could definitely see three purple flowers under all those green leaves, yet my other co-worker and I missed those because of our higher viewpoint and perspective.

Isn’t life just like that. Depending on how each of sees things from our own viewpoints, the outtake of the situation can be so different. That is why it is so important to be surrounded by those that love and care about us. You see, just like both of the plants were blooming, I only saw one of them and it took for Mary’s viewpoint for me to know that I am surrounded by floral explosion. (I wonder if it is because they like me?) If we go about in our lives alone, not seeking or hearing what others have to say about what we are experiencing, good or bad, maybe we might miss out on what is obvious to somebody else. Who knows, but I think it’s a good thing to have the perspective of others.

Today I ask you to join me in praising God for giving us people that care about and love us and for their perspectives into our lives. Just like a long idle African Violet, I pray that we all start blooming and that there are Mary’s in our lives with just the right viewpoint to point the new growths out to us, because maybe, just maybe, we might be missing what others can clearly see.

Blessed Assurance and Panic Attacks

I love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. I trust the Lord with this life of mine that He has entrusted to me. Even with this being a fact, there are times that I am overtaken by sheer panic of such great force that I don’t know what to do. I try and try to capture my thoughts and send my prayers of praise to the Lord all the while asking him to help calm me. It is in these moments I am so scared.

My mind races with thoughts such as: How am I going to make it financially if my husband leaves? Why can’t he let go and let love? Why isn’t God reaching down into my situation right now and helping me? What should I do? Where should I go? Why am I so alone? Why does my husband hate me? How am I going to raise my daughter on my own? Why is this happening as I have done everything within my power to be the best person God created me to be and it’s still not enough? Why am I not good enough?

Can you feel the panic with me? It’s horrible isn’t it. So, it is at times like these – and praise God they are few and far between, that I struggle to get myself back under control and in the safe comfort of knowing that God is in control and that he will carry me through. But then, there are times such as now that the hurt of it all still leaves me with a tingle of the panic. I get so mad at myself and even say I must not be doing Christianity right, but I am because I am human and am not perfect. I will be ok won’t I.

I think that is when I will turn to a song and what comes to mind right now is: Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. Oh what a foretaste of Glory divine. Heir of salvation, purchase of God, born of His spirit, washed in His blood Perfect submission, all is at rest I in my Savior am happy and blest, This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior, all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior, all the day long. Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

So I will rest for now in blessed assurance until the panic comes to rest because this too shall pass. Today I ask for you to join me in prayer for all of us to fear not because the Lord is with us! And I will try to do just that. God Bless you. Halllelujah!

Beauty Should be in Everybody's Eyes

Well, after the mess of this weekend, I completely decided to get back up and with God's help be the Dianne he created me to be. In Zumba tonight I looked around me at the 20 or so other women and my heart smiled. In each and every woman there, even though we were all doing the same moves at the same time, each of us appears to the eye so different, yet each of us is so beautiful. I really think I see people the way Jesus sees us. No matter how wrong the move they were doing, (or I was doing), according to how our teacher is doing, we are all there in our own way, seeking the same thing, to get healthier and in better shape. Each and every one of us beautiful in our own way. Praise God that we are all created so different and yet perfectly. Isn't that how Jesus sees us? All perfect and each of us created differently and each of us pleasing to our God.

I think that just like the women in Zumba, who are all after basically the same goal, if we all have a heart seeking after the Lord, that we all look perfect in His sight. Praise God!

Today I pray that we can all start to see each other as Jesus sees us, perfect in His sight.

Back in the fight - Screw ups and Imperfection

Hey there, for anybody who reads my blogs. That's what I am - back in the fight. Gosh you guys, I have been under attack and I really screwed up. My daughter is 15, need I say more? She really is a nice kid and to her complete credit, she is an honest kid, but she is a girl and in the midst of the situation that she lives, she knows how to play both sides of the field and has been making me crazy. The night before last my husband had been drinking, I had not and we were away from home. It had already been agreed upon that I would be driving as I don't drink and he was at it hard. 1 in the morning, it came time to leave and I had the keys and as we left once we got outside, he said, give me the f---ing keys. I said no but he finally got the keys and I told my daughter to not get in the car. You see, she and I supposedly have a longstanding agreement that if he is drinking she is not to get in the car. My daughter got into the car and would not listen to me to get out. Knowing that he would drive more erratically with her in the car if he were in a fit of anger at the fact that I would have gone back into the place we left to call for a safe ride, I got in the vehicle. The whole drive home he went on and on asking me if he was driving like he were drunk. I didn't care anymore, I just prayed the whole way for God to get me and my girl home safely and to get me out of this situation.

Last night, with this anger that has been boiling in me at my daughter's disregard of my desire to protect her and a few other recent actions on her part compiled with one final disregard of the fact that I am mom, this anger in me came to a head as we got out of the car at the Raley's parking lot. Oh my gosh, I was so mad and I ended up cussing at her and everything, not even asking God to guide me, which he clearly wasn't due to the fact that I was that out of control. Well, it was then that the CHP officer pulled up next to us and asked if we were ok. Looking back now, I think that was God because I had clearly lost it. I told the CHP lady that "yes we were ok, I was mom, she is my 15 year old daughter, I haven't, nor will I touch her, I have to go". I'm laughing right now, because I actually did walk away from the officer as I said to my daughter to tell her if she was ok or not, and I walked away from the situation leaving my daughter with the officer while I went into the store.

Well, we ended up getting home and most of you that know me know that it took about the time it took for me to catch my breath in the store to begin repenting. So, when I got home, I was a total mess, made my daughter sit down and asked for forgiveness because I was so far out of line. And I meant it because I was. One of the things I have long had under control, and by long I mean about 1 1/2 years, is my tongue with I believe only 3 relapses of bad words slipping out of my mouth during this time.

Which leads me to ask us to join in prayer for so many things. Please pray for me to be an honorable mother. Please pray for my daughter to learn how to give a sincere apology based on the example I set last night, because she does at times need to apologize for her actions of late. Please pray for God to guide my steps to how to get in the right situation in my life. Please pray for all those who struggle with relapse of some sort, in any format, a relapse does not feel good. I felt so badly about what I had done that I wondered how could I possibly go to church and sing on the worship team or go serve the youth at youth group tonight? I actually almost didn't go, but even before I heard my pastor's words this morning of "Don't give up -Get Back in the Fight", I already knew what I had to do. So I went and did what I was supposed to, knowing that yes, I messed up, but I am human and maybe my daughter might just think before disregarding my attempts at protecting her from this world she lives in. Hallelujah!